32 years old and trying to stay positive in the dating scene

[Brokenhart84]

Hey guys,

 

I haven't posted on ENA in a long time. I originally came on here January 2015 after a break up. I took approximately 8 months off of dating. I was happy and content with how much I invested into myself.

 

I decided to start online dating in October. I received tons of messages. However, I don't repond to a large percentage of them because I am looking for something meaningful. I've met approximately about 15-20 men. I've gone on 2, 3 and even 4th dates. I've found that it's very difficult to find someone that actually wants to take their time and DATE. Most people want to jump into the sack immediately, otherwise they lose interest.

 

I recently met someone in March. We were communicating since January. However, we didn't meet until March because I spent a few weeks in Southeast Asia. We laughed and enjoyed the first, second and third date. A few days after the 3rd date, I noticed that he was distant(very short with his text). I knew that he was traveling a day for work and had school assignments, so I tried to brush it off. Once the following weekend arrived, I decided to confront him about it because I wanted to end things and move on. He apologized and told me that he wanted to make it up to me. We briefly spoke over the phone about it. The following weekend we went to the movies and walked around the park afterwards( kissed and held hands). We ended the date nicely. He text me that night and during the week until April 10th. I sent him a message on Monday the 11th. We chatted and that was it for the week. He hasn't initiated any communication with me. Life goes on and won't be messaging him.

 

There is just so much game playing and unhealthy behaviors with people who are chronic online daters. I've altered my standards and have tried to be flexible. Finding someone special is so difficult. A part of me is starting to feel depressed.😒

[janut1]

My daughter is 31 and feels the same about OLD. She is done with it for now because it was depressing for her. I also use OLD and find the same games and silly things going on all the time and I am much older. You would think men my age would be more mature, but I am not finding that. They all seem to want to rush and have sex. Im not going to do that. One guy stopped dating me because I didn't invite him into my house on date 3 and he told me that 3 months after we stopped dating. LOL

 

I have learned and many will tell you that you need a very thick skin to do OLD. There will be flakes, ghosting, people who just want to text you and not meet up, spammers, liars, married men or already in relationships, lots of first but not second dates, and on and on. Just keep yourself safe by meeting in public places for a quick coffee or drink. You don't have to stay if you aren't feeling it. Listen to your intuition and do Google searches or background checks if you feel the need to.

[jennylove]

Yeah, I'm pretty much done with OLD myself. It used to drive me nuts when people would give me the advice of meeting someone IRL by being setup by a friend or by hobbies. I didn't have the social connections to meet anyone other than OLD. But, the power of volunteer work is amazing. I'm volunteering at animal shelters where abused dogs are found and held. It's really my passion. And now I'm noticing soooo many men that are also volunteers there. Being a dog lover is a BIG thing to me. It may end up being a win-win down the road. My point is, find something you are passionate about and volunteer in that area! You just never know!

 

Oh slightly off topic, but listen to this cute story. I work with a lady in her late 50s and she's now engaged after being divorced for over 20 years. She has not even been on many dates over the years bc she was focused on raising her kids. Well, her kids are now adults and living on their own, so she decided to volunteer at a nursing home conducting Bingo games, painting finger nails, etc. A nice family member of one of the residents began noticing her when he would visit his loved one. FFWD 18 months and she has a rock on her finger and has never been so happy!

[SooSad33]

Rough go with OLD as well. As mentioned sooo many shady peopls on there! it's awful sometimes.

I have been on a couple of yrs now.. had one relation about 6 months.. til he wandered.

 

Latest experience was someone just wanting fwb.. and there's sadly way too many of them wanting just sex.. NO actual involvement.

 

I am pretty much to take a good, long break from it all. I am not on very much anymore. Just too questionable.,, and to lower yourself to be some guys little 'playmate' IS very destructable in the end. because most often the lady ends up emotionally involved when he doesn't. Therefore.. more pain and its not necessary thank you!

[Ms Darcy]

I think OLD should be one of many strategies for dating. What are you doing to meet men in real life?

[Cecilia724]

Yeah count me in for the tired of OLD scene. It's just so exhausting, most of the men I meet on there are so boring. Trying to find someone you're compatible with, is interesting and you get along well with feels impossible I swear. 😑

[Brokenhart84]

Hey Janut1. It honestly didn't bother me too much. Until now when I'm realizing that it's not going anywhere. I learned how to look for red flags. I usually don't "chat" with a person online for extended periods of time nor through text. So I've rarely had anyone disappear. I don't repond to messages if someone has negative stuff written in their profile, only has selfies etc... I don't give out my direct number only my google voice number. Primarily because I don't want to person to easily search for me online or to reappear and disappear.

 

Background checks are really important. I saw that a woman in Seattle was killed by a man she met online. She was dating him for almost two months. He was homeless and an alcoholic.

[Brokenhart84]

Hey Darcy, you are right. I haven't been putting myself out there in other environments to meet potential men. I have been to a singles event on a party boat. It was terrible! A lot of strange and desperate people.

 

I do need to start putting myself in other environments to potentially meet someone special.

[Moontiger]

Meet my BF through an online dating website. I had tried online dating a handful of times in the past but nothing ever came of it. Then I moved to a new area so I gave it a try again. I expect to go on a lot of first dates. But, the first guy I meet off the site? He and I are now living together!

 

You never know were or how you will meet someone. Use online dating as one of many places to look for a significant other. Also, does your profile make it clear what you are looking for? That could help midigate some of this. Though in my expierence, and it always amazed me, many people don't seem to bother reading profiles before they send a message.

[musicman777]

]

 

brokenhart84, you are amongst people in the security/forensics career field here... It was pretty simple to go through your forum post history and see what is really going on here. -_-

 

You said you broke up with with last partner in January 2015, I'm assuming a "serious relationship". Yet, in February 2015, literally a month after, you were talking about your early thoughts/experiments with the idea of online dating. It was a simple reply to a forum post, but it was there. Can I ask; did you take ANY proper time to heal and recover from this last relationship? Did you take any time to focus on yourself and your life? You mentioned something about 8 months. But you were already toying with the idea of dating again only a month after, so I'm going to go out on a whim and say you really didn't get over this last person and prepare yourself mentally for the dating world again.

 

Another tell-tale sign of this, and I've been on these boards long enough to see it; people always have to tell us "timeframes". I've been single for X years, my last relationship was X months ago, it took X long to recover. Whenever people mention time-frames, it tells me they are not ready to date again, because they are worried about being "single for too long" and can't stand the thought of not being with someone. And, in your case, they also haven't gotten over the last heartbreak someone caused them.

 

Forgive me if I sound "mean" for speculating or anything. But if you've dated so many men that you've lost count (between "15-20", yeah that's losing count) and NONE of them had something valuable to offer, then it tells me there is more going on than meets the eye. Unless you have absolutely terrible taste in men, I have to assume that at least ONE of those guys was a decent man with a decent career, family values, respected women, and was probably a good fit for you. But, you didn't see it because maybe it's not the right time for you to be looking again.

 

There is nothing wrong with online dating; just make sure you are ready for it. Maybe I'm completely wrong about all this and I'm making up facts. But I like to look deeper into this issue. Because I've done online dating; I don't think I'm a terrible guy and I'd like to think there are other good guys on there as well. I find it hard to believe you've dated that many that have been flaky. I think you should take some time away from dating and enjoy your single life for a while. That is where you can attract someone that really sees you for you rather than you playing the queen bee on a dating site.

[Brokenhart84]

Yeah count me in for the tired of OLD scene. It's just so exhausting, most of the men I meet on there are so boring. Trying to find someone you're compatible with, is interesting and you get along well with feels impossible I swear. 😑

 

I've definitely met decent men and have enjoyed myself. You're right, it's definitely exhausting. Although I've met approximately 15 men, that isn't a lot in comparison to many people. I know/met men and women who go on 2-3 dates a week. That's very time consuming!😳

[Brokenhart84]

Meet my BF through an online dating website. I had tried online dating a handful of times in the past but nothing ever came of it. Then I moved to a new area so I gave it a try again. I expect to go on a lot of first dates. But, the first guy I meet off the site? He and I are now living together!

 

You never know were or how you will meet someone. Use online dating as one of many places to look for a significant other. Also, does your profile make it clear what you are looking for? That could help midigate some of this. Though in my expierence, and it always amazed me, many people don't seem to bother reading profiles before they send a message.

 

Moontiger, that's great to hear! I know a few people who have met their partner online. I do think that location can make a big difference. One of my friends moved from NY to Texas 3 years ago. She met her now husband on match.com. She didn't spend an extended period of time on there. When she resided in NY. She was having a very difficult time with online dating. I have another friend who moved to Florida, she met her significant other within a few months.

 

Yes, I have written in my profile that I'm looking for a long term relationship. I also have it checked off. I did not write anything negative eg. I'm not looking to chat back and forth, no games etc. Like you said, a lot of people don't read profiles.

[Batya33]

I've definitely met decent men and have enjoyed myself. You're right, it's definitely exhausting. Although I've met approximately 15 men, that isn't a lot in comparison to many people. I know/met men and women who go on 2-3 dates a week. That's very time consuming!😳

 

Yes, it was exhausting and yes I was going on at least 2-3 dates/week in a major city. It's not about "online dating" -it's just .... dating. You're not dating online -you're meeting these men in real life ASAP -good for you! Ms. Darcy is right that it should be one of many ways to meet people so that you don't get bogged down in the profile/chat/meet drill. Are you doing any volunteer work? This year I volunteered three times for a public radio station (pledge drive/phone operator) -a total of 10 hours and I met a few really interesting people. Also despite the months between each gig, there are regulars who come so you can get to know people. Although I am not looking for a date, you never know who knows someone. I regularly set people up -have been doing that for 30 years or so.

 

Hope today is better -hang in there!

[John John]

You're not alone OP. I also see you're in New York. Um, hi. lol. Yeah...dating is NY is absolutely terrible. It's just awful. My subscription to Match runs out in about a week, and I won't be renewing I don't think. I got one more number from a girl this past weekend that I'm going to follow up with, but that's really it for me.

 

I've tried a meet up recently, and not sure they're for me. And I know this will sound terrible, but with some meet ups for singles, you can see who's going...and when I check and see, I think to myself "why go if I'm not attracted to any of these girls" lol (and I know women do this too, so don't hate). I think the best way is through friends, and one friend tried recently, but I just wasn't attracted to her (she liked me though...if only the chemistry was there...sigh).

 

And then of course, people suggested I message another user here on ENA (also in NY, and she too was tired of meeting guys that treated her poorly). But I think she just (for some odd reason) got the wrong impression of me, and never messaged me back. It's a shame because I actually had a good feeling we'd hit it off (won't mention her username). So I've learned there's just no point in reaching out.

 

At this point, I think it's really up to the powers that be/fate/the universe/whatever. If I'm meant to be permanently single, then so be it!

[Batya33]

You learned from one interaction that there is no point in reaching out?

I met a long term boyfriend on a blind date -set up by a mutual friend. She told me he wasn't that attractive. Back then, aside from a somewhat rude request for a photo in advance, blind dates were typically "blind" in that way. I would not have met him had I seen a photo first. In person he was charming, sparkly, and certainly not a male model. It didn't matter -ended up feeling attracted to him, feeling chemistry,etc.

 

Don't just go on a photo unless there is something extreme (ie the person looks mean in the photo or unkempt, etc). JMHO.

[John John]

You learned from one interaction that there is no point in reaching out?

 

No, it wasn't just from that interaction.

 

Also, I understand your point, but I think men are different. If we don't have that initial attraction to a woman, that's where it stops. We need that initial attraction. With you women it's different. Assuming the (often arbitrary) height requirement has been met and things can proceed (I know you Batya are one of the few women on the planet that doesn't care about height), you women evaluate the entire package. We men are just wired differently If there's no attraction on our end, there won't ever be. And this isn't me being stubborn...I've tried to get past a lack of initial attraction several times, and it never works (where for a woman, it very well might).

[Batya33]

No, it wasn't just from that interaction.

 

Also, I understand your point, but I think men are different. If we don't have that initial attraction to a woman, that's where it stops. We need that initial attraction. With you women it's different. Assuming the (often arbitrary) height requirement has been met and things can proceed (I know you Batya are one of the few women on the planet that doesn't care about height), you women evaluate the entire package. We men are just wired differently If there's no attraction on our end, there won't ever be. And this isn't me being stubborn...I've tried to get past a lack of initial attraction several times, and it never works (where for a woman, it very well might).

 

I disagree entirely with your generalizations about men and women. I do agree that men are more visual. I don't agree that looking at a photo has much to do at all with the type of chemistry needed in a relationship, so if you're declining meetups based on photos you're getting in your own way (or, alternatively, making excuses so you can stay in your comfort zone and not do the hard work of getting out there).

 

And yes I did care about height. Typically I was not attracted to men who were my height or shorter (but gave it a chance - I am only 5"2) and I typically wasn't attracted to tall men who were very skinny, with exceptions.

[John John]

I disagree entirely with your generalizations about men and women. I do agree that men are more visual. I don't agree that looking at a photo has much to do at all with the type of chemistry needed in a relationship, so if you're declining meetups based on photos you're getting in your own way (or, alternatively, making excuses so you can stay in your comfort zone and not do the hard work of getting out there).

 

Figured you'd put the blame on me.

 

I've gone to several meet ups. So far, they've either been sausage fests, have turned into college frat parties (when they were advertised very differently and for late 20s/early 30s), or just didn't have anyone there I had anything in common with or was attracted to.

 

Also, I never said that a photo determines the chemistry you're describing about actually being a good fit with someone. Nor do I believe that. I meant (which you agreed with) that men are more visual. If we're not attracted to a woman from the get-go, in MOST cases, we won't ever be. Whereas with women, you can be won over with confidence, personality and other things if you weren't initially attracted to us. So in the case of a man, if we're not attracted to you, that's where it stops (usually) and no chemistry would ever be established. With women usually, if we don't meet the height requirement, that's where it stops, and with men, if we don't find you attractive, that's where it stops.

 

I was going to ask if you'd go to a meet up if you saw that no one you were attracted to was going to, but you're a woman lol so it's comparing apples to oranges. These meet ups have been for singles (my age group) looking to just hang out. Meet ups that are for interests are different, I would not decline that based on photos. Hopefully you get what I mean.

 

Also, I hang out with friends all the time. Problem is they're all coupled up, so we only have so many opportunities to actually "go out." And none of them (to my current knowledge) know any single women. There was one, but she ended up back with an ex-bf right before we could meet (and I was attracted to her - funny how that works out), and the other I just wasn't attracted to.

 

Also, I know you said you wouldn't date men shorter than you. But you're very reasonable about height, and have dated men 5'2" and up! Most women (even tiny women) would NEVER go near a 5'2" man, let's be real. The majority of women strongly prefer 5'10" and up. Not saying they won't date outside of that, but we don't need to turn this into a height thread. It is what it is and no one is changing anyone's preferences, nor should they

 

So don't tell me that I'm not doing my part. Because I have been.

[Cecilia724]

I've definitely met decent men and have enjoyed myself. You're right, it's definitely exhausting. Although I've met approximately 15 men, that isn't a lot in comparison to many people. I know/met men and women who go on 2-3 dates a week. That's very time consuming!😳

Yeah, its extremely time consuming! That's the most exhausting part. And I wrote very clealry what I'm looking for in my profile, but 90% of the guys dont read your profile. They just put in 0 effort. I'm moving later this year, so I'm taking a break until after the move. The dating scene up here is just awful. 😝

[Batya33]

I figured you'd misinterpret what I wrote as my "blaming" you. ;-)

 

I did not base attractions on photos (as I wrote).

 

I've been married and coupled up for almost 11 years. I still regularly set people up including outside the city I live in - my married friends do the same for their single friends.

 

I think your negative generalizations and choice not to attend a meet-up based on photos are you getting in your own way. I believe that dating is extremely difficult and that if the goal is marriage and family all that stress/aggravation is totally worth it. If the goal is to get a date/have casual sex then on line dating and meetups are not worth the time investment/stress. I dated on and off for 24 years - on line dating sites/personal ads/ singles parties/events/resorts, many blind dates including by married people.

 

I originally met my husband because I crossed a crowded conference room to say hi to the new employee who knew no one and seemed kinda shy. We got married over a dozen years later. Part of the delay was me getting in my own way.

 

I met other long term boyfriends through friends, a colleague, a personal ad, a party. Several of my friends met their spouses/SOs through online dating sites.

[John John]

I figured you'd misinterpret what I wrote as my "blaming" you. ;-)

 

I did not base attractions on photos (as I wrote).

 

I've been married and coupled up for almost 11 years. I still regularly set people up including outside the city I live in - my married friends do the same for their single friends.

 

I think your negative generalizations and choice not to attend a meet-up based on photos are you getting in your own way. I believe that dating is extremely difficult and that if the goal is marriage and family all that stress/aggravation is totally worth it. If the goal is to get a date/have casual sex then on line dating and meetups are not worth the time investment/stress. I dated on and off for 24 years - on line dating sites/personal ads/ singles parties/events/resorts, many blind dates including by married people.

 

I originally met my husband because I crossed a crowded conference room to say hi to the new employee who knew no one and seemed kinda shy. We got married over a dozen years later. Part of the delay was me getting in my own way.

 

I met other long term boyfriends through friends, a colleague, a personal ad, a party. Several of my friends met their spouses/SOs through online dating sites.

 

 

You are right. I'm familiar with your story and I know you used many venues to meet people. I have to broaden my horizons with that. I started by trying meet ups, but so far, not a huge fan. And I dunno...I know this will sound stupid, but I've never been the kind of person to just show up to social events totally on my own (although I've done that a few times recently as I said!)...just not my thing, as much as I've forced myself to try. And I will keep trying.

 

It's ok Batya...for reasons that simply don't need to be mentioned, we're cool

[Batya33]

I really wish you all the best. I used to go to singles events alone and I told myself I would stay at least 45 minutes and talk to at least 3 people. I almost always stayed longer.

[Blue Spiral]

I've been finding women online since '98, and it's worked very well for me. I met both of my girlfriends and most of my FWBs online. These days, I've got it down to a mostly-passionless science.

 

There are a lot of men that are doing what I'm doing, and we've definitely had an impact on men in general. We get together online and discuss strategy and the like. I'm not sorry that we do it, but I'm sorry that it's causing problems for you. Obviously, certain ideas have caught on, and they're spreading through the culture.

 

You should definitely give up on OLD. The thing is, though...whatever you try next, we'll eventually infiltrate that, too. And the next thing, and the next thing, and so on. As we speak, men are quietly conferring with each other online, debating the best ways to get women to have sex with them. This is a discussion that goes on 24/7, across the entire world.

 

The 21st century is gonna be awesome.

[janut1]

Out of this whole thread, I think I like the idea of volunteering as a good place to meet like minded people. I have been thinking of doing that for awhile, just need to find a good place to do that. I love the story about the women in her late 50's getting engaged to someone that she met while volunteering too. That makes me feel more hopeful.

 

I have met and dated a couple men from OLD. One was a 18 months relationship, another for 1 year, one for 4 months. Unfortunately, they were the wrong men and it didn't work out, but I try to stay positive even so.

[reinventmyself]

 

I've tried a meet up recently, and not sure they're for me. And I know this will sound terrible, but with some meet ups for singles, you can see who's going...and when I check and see, I think to myself "why go if I'm not attracted to any of these girls" lol (and I know women do this too, so don't hate). I think the best way is through friends, and one friend tried recently, but I just wasn't attracted to her (she liked me though...if only the chemistry was there...sigh).

 

Just a quick mention on Meetups. My first couple experiences were the Singles Meetups. You walk in and feel like fresh meat. Everyone sizes you up. I've never done speed dating, but I imagine it might have been much like this. When the focus in merely on finding a mate, it isn't much different than OLD in the end. Not to mention trying to figure out who slept with whom. Again. . One of the two singles Meetup I went to, I literally walking in, made a circle and walked straight out.

 

Then I tried a couple other Meetups. Hiking and women's social groups. If you chose an interest of yours then there is an instant benefit. If by chance someone who you are attracted to shows up, bonus! You need to go several times because the faces change constantly. At the same time you make friends and connections and outside of hiking you now spend time with them socially. And guess what? They have friends too.

 

I tend to be a little shy in the beginning, but have found the culture in meet ups generally are very embracing. Everyone's been that new person before so the group is aware of anyone new and kindly brings you in and makes you feel at home. If they don't, then it's the wrong meet up for you.