32 years old and trying to stay positive in the dating scene

[bulletproof]

I do think that location can make a big difference. One of my friends moved from NY to Texas 3 years ago. She met her now husband on match.com. She didn't spend an extended period of time on there. When she resided in NY. She was having a very difficult time with online dating. I have another friend who moved to Florida, she met her significant other within a few months.

 

A word about location: it can make a difference, but maybe not for the reason you think it can. I moved from NYC to a much smaller place and my dating prospects improved almost immediately. However, what I didn't realize then was that it was really me that had changed—I was excited to have moved, to be able to recreate my life, etc. I was more optimistic because I had held the (now clearly false) belief that NYC was holding me back. It was actually me holding myself back; I had been way too negative about the whole thing.

[John John]

A word about location: it can make a difference, but maybe not for the reason you think it can. I moved from NYC to a much smaller place and my dating prospects improved almost immediately. However, what I didn't realize then was that it was really me that had changed—I was excited to have moved, to be able to recreate my life, etc. I was more optimistic because I had held the (now clearly false) belief that NYC was holding me back. It was actually me holding myself back; I had been way too negative about the whole thing.

 

You are right in a way, but dating in NYC still sucks. Getting dates/hookups is no problem, but seriously dating is hard.

[Realitynut]

John John...you know my ex (5'8", fat and bald) had asked me out many times on the dating sites. I ignored. lol Then met him at a meetup...even tho I didn't know it was him. (he knew it was "me" tho....) Saw him FIVE times at different meetups, before he basically talked to me. And even then...it was one sentence. But it cracked me up.

 

Saw him 10 months before it became physical. Only because he was going to move on....and I couldn't handle that. Now at the very end...I find him 'sort' of attractive. He probably lost 15 pounds....needed to lose 50! lol

 

But anyway, why don't you at least TRY to converse with someone that you find HALF WAY attractive. I knew a woman once when I was younger. She was gorgeous by anyones standards. But once I got to know her, she became very unattractive.

 

I'm sure you've found that out in dating. The more you LIKE someone, the better looking they get to be. Try it! You might be surprised. If they give you the benefit of the doubt because of your height, why can't you give them the benefit of the doubt, but looking past their beauty...or their body??

 

Something hasn't been working for you...so it's time to change it up!!!

 

(teehee...sorry for hijacking thread...it's what I do!! )

 

Also...about OLD...why do people fall off the face of the earth by day 10.

 

I had a guy contact me...12 days ago. He was perfect on paper, and even tho my heart hadn't healed I thought I would correspond. My sis said, if he's that great, someone else will come and scoop him up!

 

We were emailing almost daily...then he texted me fri. /Sat I texted him...and sunday we sent numerous texts. (lives an hour and half away so couldn't meet yet) I had left him an email on cupid also.

 

So yesterday...no response. And he had been on the site. Saw also he had been on POF. I thought I'd let him make the next move...and it ain't happening. I'm so disappointed. I counted back the days...just for fun! Yep...10 days. I'm gonna wait one more day and say HI. But my interest has already dropped, because I feel his interest in ME has dropped! ugh

 

He was perfect...as I said...on paper. And looked good too! John, John....5'8" and chubby. lol

[John John]

John John...you know my ex (5'8", fat and bald) had asked me out many times on the dating sites. I ignored. lol Then met him at a meetup...even tho I didn't know it was him. (he knew it was "me" tho....) Saw him FIVE times at different meetups, before he basically talked to me. And even then...it was one sentence. But it cracked me up.

 

Saw him 10 months before it became physical. Only because he was going to move on....and I couldn't handle that. Now at the very end...I find him 'sort' of attractive. He probably lost 15 pounds....needed to lose 50! lol

 

But anyway, why don't you at least TRY to converse with someone that you find HALF WAY attractive. I knew a woman once when I was younger. She was gorgeous by anyones standards. But once I got to know her, she became very unattractive.

 

I'm sure you've found that out in dating. The more you LIKE someone, the better looking they get to be. Try it! You might be surprised. If they give you the benefit of the doubt because of your height, why can't you give them the benefit of the doubt, but looking past their beauty...or their body??

 

Something hasn't been working for you...so it's time to change it up!!!

 

(teehee...sorry for hijacking thread...it's what I do!! )

 

Also...about OLD...why do people fall off the face of the earth by day 10.

 

I had a guy contact me...12 days ago. He was perfect on paper, and even tho my heart hadn't healed I thought I would correspond. My sis said, if he's that great, someone else will come and scoop him up!

 

We were emailing almost daily...then he texted me fri. /Sat I texted him...and sunday we sent numerous texts. (lives an hour and half away so couldn't meet yet) I had left him an email on cupid also.

 

So yesterday...no response. And he had been on the site. Saw also he had been on POF. I thought I'd let him make the next move...and it ain't happening. I'm so disappointed. I counted back the days...just for fun! Yep...10 days. I'm gonna wait one more day and say HI. But my interest has already dropped, because I feel his interest in ME has dropped! ugh

 

He was perfect...as I said...on paper. And looked good too! John, John....5'8" and chubby. lol

 

lol you are hilarious!

 

I have tried to date women where I didn't have that initial attraction. I've given them up to three dates (the few times this has happened), and it just didn't work (on my end). I just wasn't as excited about seeing them. I dunno...

 

And I have to stress, I'm not going for 10s. I'm not even really going for 8s or 9s lol. Give me (what I perceive to be) a 7...a girl who is above average looking and fit (who will have flaws, unlike the 9s and 10s) with an amazing personality, and I'm a happy camper. Really!

 

Also, I have been on dates with 9s/10s, and it's true that they usually don't have the personality to match (why would they need a personality, they can get guys just by leaving their apartment). So trust me...I'm well aware of the fact that looks are far from everything. Not even close.

[Realitynut]

above average looking and fit (who will have flaws, unlike the 9s and 10s

But don't you see? The 9's and 10's DO have flaws. Personality flaws. Superficial. Have 'entitlement' issues because of their beauty!

 

TRY AVERAGE....as a friend. Don't look to them as a dating prospect. When you meet them, at a meetup lets say...enjoy them for their personality! Then see if there looks grow on you.

 

Granted...I have a guy friend who is interested in me. 5'5" about. (never asked) But he has 'short people' hands. I know "midget" isn't the correct term to use now...but his hands truly look like that...and TURN ME OFF.

 

Plus...he's boring as HELLLLL!

[reinventmyself]

Points off for personality flaws.

So, in all actuality you could be dating a 5 after all.

[Brokenhart84]

Yes, it was exhausting and yes I was going on at least 2-3 dates/week in a major city. It's not about "online dating" -it's just .... dating. You're not dating online -you're meeting these men in real life ASAP -good for you! Ms. Darcy is right that it should be one of many ways to meet people so that you don't get bogged down in the profile/chat/meet drill. Are you doing any volunteer work? This year I volunteered three times for a public radio station (pledge drive/phone operator) -a total of 10 hours and I met a few really interesting people. Also despite the months between each gig, there are regulars who come so you can get to know people. Although I am not looking for a date, you never know who knows someone. I regularly set people up -have been doing that for 30 years or so.

 

Hope today is better -hang in there!

 

Hey Batya, you and Jennylove mentioned volunteering and I definitely need to focus on putting that as a part of my schedule. I volunteered at an elephant sanctuary in Thailand this past February. I truly enjoyed that experience.

 

A few of my friends would like to set me up, but they don't know anyone at the moment.

[Brokenhart84]

You're not alone OP. I also see you're in New York. Um, hi. lol. Yeah...dating is NY is absolutely terrible. It's just awful. My subscription to Match runs out in about a week, and I won't be renewing I don't think. I got one more number from a girl this past weekend that I'm going to follow up with, but that's really it for me.

 

I've tried a meet up recently, and not sure they're for me. And I know this will sound terrible, but with some meet ups for singles, you can see who's going...and when I check and see, I think to myself "why go if I'm not attracted to any of these girls" lol (and I know women do this too, so don't hate). I think the best way is through friends, and one friend tried recently, but I just wasn't attracted to her (she liked me though...if only the chemistry was there...sigh).

 

And then of course, people suggested I message another user here on ENA (also in NY, and she too was tired of meeting guys that treated her poorly). But I think she just (for some odd reason) got the wrong impression of me, and never messaged me back. It's a shame because I actually had a good feeling we'd hit it off (won't mention her username). So I've learned there's just no point in reaching out.

 

At this point, I think it's really up to the powers that be/fate/the universe/whatever. If I'm meant to be permanently single, then so be it!

 

John John, you're funny. I'm on Match as well. I subscribed for a 6 month membership. I wasn't going to renew it in February, but I forgot to cancel it before the renewal date. So I'm stuck with it for the next few months. I met around 5 men on there.

 

I went to a singles meetup boat party. The people were very clingy and the men were not attractive at all! However, I danced the night away and met a great guy who is now my friend. I've attended other meetups as well such as hiking, skiing and karaoke.

 

It would be nice if ENA could have a singles forum for people to communicate.

 

Are you open to relocating?

[Ms Darcy]

Hey Darcy, you are right. I haven't been putting myself out there in other environments to meet potential men. I have been to a singles event on a party boat. It was terrible! A lot of strange and desperate people.

 

I do need to start putting myself in other environments to potentially meet someone special.

 

Absolutely! Gotta get out there to get results!

[John John]

Points off for personality flaws.

So, in all actuality you could be dating a 5 after all.

 

Absolutely. I was just trying to explain that I'm not going after runway models with no personality. And of course, no one is perfect!

 

As I said, give me a girl who's a bit above average in looks (cute/pretty, not HOT necessarily) but who has an amazing personality, and I'm happy.

[Batya33]

Out of this whole thread, I think I like the idea of volunteering as a good place to meet like minded people. I have been thinking of doing that for awhile, just need to find a good place to do that. I love the story about the women in her late 50's getting engaged to someone that she met while volunteering too. That makes me feel more hopeful.

 

I have met and dated a couple men from OLD. One was a 18 months relationship, another for 1 year, one for 4 months. Unfortunately, they were the wrong men and it didn't work out, but I try to stay positive even so.

 

Backstage community theater is a great way to meet people. I've always met people volunteering and I still do.

[Batya33]

Hey Batya, you and Jennylove mentioned volunteering and I definitely need to focus on putting that as a part of my schedule. I volunteered at an elephant sanctuary in Thailand this past February. I truly enjoyed that experience.

 

A few of my friends would like to set me up, but they don't know anyone at the moment.

 

Have you read the latest Jodi Picoult book? (sp?). Totally agree about volunteering.

[bulletproof]

You are right in a way, but dating in NYC still sucks. Getting dates/hookups is no problem, but seriously dating is hard.

 

That's your opinion, and you're certainly entitled to it. But the friends I left behind in NYC did just fine, and they weren't that different from me. People date and have serious relationships every day in NYC, just like everywhere else.

 

As much as I didn't want to face it—it was me. I was the problem.

[John John]

No, you are right. I'm sure I'm part of the problem. I've been trying to "get out there" but am going to try harder. I dunno, I haven't cared for the Meet Ups so far, but I will do a few more. Just sucks that all my core friends are in relationships and don't really know any single women I'm interested in (there was one I would have liked, but of course, she JUST got back together with an ex right before we could meet...).

[John John]

John John, you're funny. I'm on Match as well. I subscribed for a 6 month membership. I wasn't going to renew it in February, but I forgot to cancel it before the renewal date. So I'm stuck with it for the next few months. I met around 5 men on there.

 

I went to a singles meetup boat party. The people were very clingy and the men were not attractive at all! However, I danced the night away and met a great guy who is now my friend. I've attended other meetups as well such as hiking, skiing and karaoke.

 

It would be nice if ENA could have a singles forum for people to communicate.

 

Are you open to relocating?

 

Relocating really isn't something I'd care to do right now. I have the option to relocate to either Chicago or CA for work, but given where I'd be living/working, I feel like dating would be even worse (in CA, it's a beach town, so you have to be basically "perfect" there). NYC (and Chicago) has the pressure to be "perfect" too, but whatever. I'm used to it here lol

 

I'm kinda happy to hear you say you weren't attracted to any of the guys at the meet ups you've tried. I feel like people get angry at men for saying such things and accusing us of only going based on looks (which I'm not - like you, just would like someone I'm attracted to on all levels).

 

Are you also in New York like your profile says?

[Batya33]

No, you are right. I'm sure I'm part of the problem. I've been trying to "get out there" but am going to try harder. I dunno, I haven't cared for the Meet Ups so far, but I will do a few more. Just sucks that all my core friends are in relationships and don't really know any single women I'm interested in (there was one I would have liked, but of course, she JUST got back together with an ex right before we could meet...).

 

I made new friends/acquaintances in part to widen my dating pool. One of my close friends now is a woman our mutual friend "set me up" with in 2003 -she figured since we worked in the same industry ,were both single, lived near each other, that we might want to go to singles events together. We met, we clicked, never tried to meet men together but she did get me hooked on a certain designer's sample sale. And became a very close friend over the years. You absolutely must be proactive and think outside the box if your goal is a serious relationship and you are in your 30s (i.e. past college/grad school where it's easier to meet people).

[bulletproof]

Relocating really isn't something I'd care to do right now. I have the option to relocate to either Chicago or CA for work, but given where I'd be living/working, I feel like dating would be even worse (in CA, it's a beach town, so you have to be basically "perfect" there). NYC (and Chicago) has the pressure to be "perfect" too, but whatever. I'm used to it here lol

 

So how does that explain all the "imperfect" people that are dating in those places? You mentioned all your friends are in relationships; are they "perfect"?

I think that once you let go of this mindset, things will get a lot easier for you.

[John John]

So how does that explain all the "imperfect" people that are dating in those places? You mentioned all your friends are in relationships; are they "perfect"?

I think that once you let go of this mindset, things will get a lot easier for you.

 

No you're right. I just feel there's a ton of pressure in places in like New York (and California and Chicago, big cities I guess) to look a certain way, make a certain amount of money (as a guy), dress a certain way, other things, etc. And of course my friends who have gfs/bfs are not perfect. I put "perfect" in quotes because there's of course no such thing. Maybe I'm just putting the pressure on myself. So fine. You guys are right, I'm the problem. I'll stop complaining lol.

[Dave5]

Try being a guy..the women say no one liners so you spend alot of time crafting a good message nothing...I messaged about 25 women one reply that went nowhere.

Honestly All I want right now is make some friends I am still to shattered to get serous.But I am alone and just want to be able to talk or not go somewhere casual alone.

[Batya33]

So how does that explain all the "imperfect" people that are dating in those places? You mentioned all your friends are in relationships; are they "perfect"?

I think that once you let go of this mindset, things will get a lot easier for you.

 

I don't think it's just to stop complaining -more important to "do" something -baby steps included. I did all of my dating in a major city - I never let myself have that generalized negative mindset for more than a few hours at a time after a particularly bad date.

[heartbroken3]

Hey guys,

 

I haven't posted on ENA in a long time. I originally came on here January 2015 after a break up. I took approximately 8 months off of dating. I was happy and content with how much I invested into myself.

 

I decided to start online dating in October. I received tons of messages. However, I don't repond to a large percentage of them because I am looking for something meaningful. I've met approximately about 15-20 men. I've gone on 2, 3 and even 4th dates. I've found that it's very difficult to find someone that actually wants to take their time and DATE. Most people want to jump into the sack immediately, otherwise they lose interest.

 

I recently met someone in March. We were communicating since January. However, we didn't meet until March because I spent a few weeks in Southeast Asia. We laughed and enjoyed the first, second and third date. A few days after the 3rd date, I noticed that he was distant(very short with his text). I knew that he was traveling a day for work and had school assignments, so I tried to brush it off. Once the following weekend arrived, I decided to confront him about it because I wanted to end things and move on. He apologized and told me that he wanted to make it up to me. We briefly spoke over the phone about it. The following weekend we went to the movies and walked around the park afterwards( kissed and held hands). We ended the date nicely. He text me that night and during the week until April 10th. I sent him a message on Monday the 11th. We chatted and that was it for the week. He hasn't initiated any communication with me. Life goes on and won't be messaging him.

 

There is just so much game playing and unhealthy behaviors with people who are chronic online daters. I've altered my standards and have tried to be flexible. Finding someone special is so difficult. A part of me is starting to feel depressed.

 

If you look at my post in healing from heartbreak and divorce, I'm having similar discouraged feelings today. I'm 34. Met her at 32 and had an amazing two years and it was nothing to her to end it at 35. Some people just don't care about the age thing. I don't know how they can not?

[Crank]

Online dating is the biggest waste of time. People you would find some interest in person, people brush off so easily online. Though i guess its the users themselves that ruined it. Being in your 30s dating from a guys standpoint is difficult that theres either the ones that can't stand being alone and go into whatever relationship they find just to be in one or the single ones still act like they are in high school then you quickly realize why they are still single. I personally don't understand why girls around here expect a guy to ask them out after 1 or 2 days of meeting them or they assume the guy has no interest. I'd rather spend a little time around the person to find out if they are someone i even want to date.

[Batya33]

Online dating is the biggest waste of time. People you would find some interest in person, people brush off so easily online. Though i guess its the users themselves that ruined it. Being in your 30s dating from a guys standpoint is difficult that theres either the ones that can't stand being alone and go into whatever relationship they find just to be in one or the single ones still act like they are in high school then you quickly realize why they are still single. I personally don't understand why girls around here expect a guy to ask them out after 1 or 2 days of meeting them or they assume the guy has no interest. I'd rather spend a little time around the person to find out if they are someone i even want to date.

 

Online dating is a waste of time -and that's not real dating - real dating is done in person. Meeting people ASAP for a short time where the initial contact was made through a dating site can be a great way to find a relationship/marriage/fun dates. No one should ask a stranger out on a date - the date can come after you meet in person if there is interest in going on a date.

[Wiseman2]

Very true, but you are doing it right screening, meeting and sticking to your priorities. Online dating has a plethora of people but it's like finding a needle in a haystack. Someone who's a "chronic online dater" is a read flag. They either want nothing serious or just keep getting tossed back.

I decided to start online dating in October. I received tons of messages. I've met approximately about 15-20 men. I've gone on 2, 3 and even 4th dates. I've found that it's very difficult to find someone that actually wants to take their time and DATE. Most people want to jump into the sack immediately, otherwise they lose interest. There is just so much game playing and unhealthy behaviors with people who are chronic online daters.

[musicman777]

My daughter is 31 and feels the same about OLD. She is done with it for now because it was depressing for her. I also use OLD and find the same games and silly things going on all the time and I am much older. You would think men my age would be more mature, but I am not finding that. They all seem to want to rush and have sex. Im not going to do that. One guy stopped dating me because I didn't invite him into my house on date 3 and he told me that 3 months after we stopped dating. LOL

 

I have learned and many will tell you that you need a very thick skin to do OLD. There will be flakes, ghosting, people who just want to text you and not meet up, spammers, liars, married men or already in relationships, lots of first but not second dates, and on and on. Just keep yourself safe by meeting in public places for a quick coffee or drink. You don't have to stay if you aren't feeling it. Listen to your intuition and do Google searches or background checks if you feel the need to.

 

I agree on the online dating. I'm 26 and also hated doing it for all the reasons you listed. It's definitely tough. Especially for guys. I never thought of my self as unattractive/unsuccessful but then I joined dating sites, sent out dozens upon dozens of messages with zero replies, paid money to boost my profile which accomplished nothing. It was really disheartening and eats away at your soul after a while. It definitely made me feel like garbage and still kind of does.

 

I agree with the background checks, lol. I do that to EVERYONE. I belong to a special service that I can do background checks on people. I've searched everyone, friends, family, bosses, romantic interests, etc. You never know the crap people hide.