Cecilia724

Well it finally happened. You texted me last week. I kept wondering and at times wishing you would and now that you finally did, i dont know how to feel about it. Part of me is happy to hear from you. You're still thinking about me, missing me, I'm on your mind like you've been on mine. I so badly want to reach out to you. I want to talk to you again and part of me would do anything just to talk to you again. I want to wish you well back, I want you to know I hope you're feeling better because your depression had a hand in our break up. My god do I want to talk to you. But the other part of me is angry. Its pissed. How dare you contact me after all this time! I was doing so well and 1 text feels like its undone me so much. 1 text is all it took to shake me to my core. How dare you think your apology means anything to me after you hurt me, after you lied to me and betrayed me! I believed in you, I introduced you to my family, a first for me, because I believed in you and in the end you betrayed me in the cruelest way. How dare you reinsert yourself into my life. Do you think your words brought me any solace? You're so selfish. I've been so close to breaking NC so many times now because of your text. But somehow, i havent. I dont know how, but I havent. Maybe because I dont know what to say, or because i know you'll hurt me more. I'll wish you well, then what? I'll want to talk to you more, but that might not happen. It just wont be healthy for me, i cant do it. You made your choice, you need to live with them or reconcile our relationship, and i know you wont do the latter. So leave me alone.

Almost officially a month of no contact. I dont know why I'm struggling so much, I thought it was supposed to get easier? I think I finally have to admit that I miss you. Going to bed at night is the worst, I miss sleeping next to you so much. I miss resting my head on your shoulder, I miss waking up to you giving me a kiss on my shoulder or cheek. I wonder if you miss me too. Or was I so insignificant that you dont notice me gone at all? I probably never meant anything to you after all...

I really wish I could talk to you right now. I keep trying to tell myself I miss the companionship, not you, but maybe I really do miss you. I dont know anymore, I feel so lost. I'm struggling so badly, I wonder if you're struggling too. Everything will get better when I move, that's what I keep telling myself, but I dunno if I can last that long. You make me hate myself.

Day 21 of NC: I've been struggling so much lately. I keep imaging what I would say to you if I saw you. I keep missing you, but I can recognize it's the companionship that I miss, not you. I'm tired of feeling lonely. I want you to apologize for what you did, for how you wronged me. I wish my plans to move away would fall into place tomorrow. I can't get away fast enough, I hate this place

I wonder if you realize just how much you've hurt me. Do you feel sorry for what you did? I cant decide if your cold and emotionless or not. The more I try to get you out of my head, the more you refuse to leave my thoughts. Idk why I'm wondering what you're thinking, you don't matter anymore. I need to redirect my thoughts better.

I have to see you today to pick up my stuff, finally. You're so lazy, why I had to organize all this is beyond me, the lest you could've done after lying to me for 3 months would be a decent person and give me my stuff back. "Sorry this took so long", god shut up. You're not sorry, you're just lazy and inept. Another post a page back mentions anger and how someone doesnt deserve to be perceived as a good person and that applies to you so much. You dont deserve the great friends you have and to be seen as a "good man". You crowed on sooo much how being a good man was so important to you, you're a coward and a liar and that's all you are. The thought of having to see you today literally makes me want to puke, you disgust me so much.

I hate so much that I still miss you! I would pay so much money to scrub you out of my thoughts for good. I can't believe you betrayed me. You were still in love with your ex the whole time? You coward. All those times you told me you were a good man I realize you were just trying to convince yourself. You're bot a good man, and I wish I told you that that night. I hope the guilt of what you've done is eating you alive. I hope you feel the pain I'm feeling only a thousand times worse and I wish you would drown yourself in your booze that you love so much. I don't wish you the best, I hope you're suffering. And I want my freakin stuff back already! Stop dragging your feet, I want to close this book already you monster. PS You're seriously still in love with your ex?? The one who used you and dumped you twice? The one when you told her you never felt so alone dumped you in response? There were so many nights where I drove out to your place late at night just to comfort you. I made sure that you never felt alone, and shes who you want to give your love to? You are messed up, take the hint, she doesnt want you, she wants a punching bag. On 2nd thought, dont take the hint. Let her hurt you and use you again and realize how good you had it with me because you will never get me back, ever.