Husband and his weight

[Hermes]

That's usually how it is in these cases, Heart. Sadly.

[Wiseman2]

It does sound like there are separate lives going on. He is introverted an prefers to be at home, you prefer the social butterfly route. Neither is wrong or right, in fact some think introversion/extroversion is hard-wired. If you view this from an "I'm right...I eat right, I take care of myself, I go out, I do things" etc. point of view...your resentment will only grow.

 

He may be as lonely as you are considering the lifestyle disparity. Rather than focus on the minutia of diet, social preferences, etc. can you try to accept that everyone is different and there is no one "right" way? Even though his eating and social and leisure habits annoy you...can you focus on the bigger or deeper reasons for the resentment?

 

So many couples have to work around quite different diets, lifestyles, interests, habits, etc. No two people are clones. You seem to have a loving marriage so perhaps you can work this out without excess worry about his annoying habits?

Everything I do, he can do too. He chooses to not be social. He has told people before that he is a hermit, doesn't like crowds and likes being at home. So I do my own thing. A person gets tired of hearing "no", after they ask a person to do things so many times. We have taken great vacations, travels to many places and are going on vacation again this summer. He has in the past seemed to have a good time, but would not have done any of it unless I encouraged it.

[Hermes]

He weights 300 lbs and

 

"he is on 2 high blood pressure meds and recently started taking a water pill his doctor prescribed.. It just hurts to see him not care about himself.."

[agent1607307371]

OP - if this is depression (and there is more than one med, and it might take a while to find the right one if he does need them), then you will be wondering at him behaving irrationally. Depression does that. You can know full well that a is a, but the depression makes you think it's b or c. It's a monster to get out from under. He's probably self-medicating right now with foods that shut down your feelings and give you a short buzz (sugar is excellent for this), but it doesn't last so you eat more. And then you gain weight, but you can't bring yourself to really care because you're already depressed so you eat a biscuit so....

 

Depression can also affect the hormones in your body that affect weight loss. So even if he did start to eat well, if he's still depressed, it might not manifest in lbs lost.

[heartinlimbo]

I am sure depression is a part of it.. He won't allow himself to try meds to treat it. He starts them then stops a few days later stating that he feels funny. He has had several meds prescribed to help him. He seems to be accepting of his weight and life he leads. He even thinks his high blood pressure reading are his "normal" readings.

I guess realistically, when he is ready to make himself better he will. and I will be there he help him in anyway I can, as I have tried in the past. I just can't live my life like he does..

[Wiseman2]

Exactly! Be his partner...not his mother, doctor, psychiatrist, dietitian, social director, physiotherapist, etc. He does not have to live the life you want him to. When things get to a push-pull situation you can expect quite a bit of resistance. Even if it's cutting off his nose to spite his face. Surely he notices your frustration turning into contempt and resentment? That can't be good for you or him...Or very inspiring.

 

You can shove all the "healthy" food, snacks and hints at him you want...but is that working? So try another approach.

I am sure depression is a part of it.. He won't allow himself to try meds to treat it. He starts them then stops a few days later stating that he feels funny. He has had several meds prescribed to help him. He seems to be accepting of his weight and life he leads. He even thinks his high blood pressure reading are his "normal" readings.

I guess realistically, when he is ready to make himself better he will. and I will be there he help him in anyway I can, as I have tried in the past. I just can't live my life like he does..

[Billie28]

Someone that is interested in their partners health be it physical or mental does not comment on their weight and mention how their belly shows with the shirt they chose to wear.

Regardless of diabetes etc , if there is a possibility that he is depressed it's likely the op is a contributing factor with her lack of tact and love.

[heartinlimbo]

Someone that is interested in their partners health be it physical or mental does not comment on their weight and mention how their belly shows with the shirt they chose to wear.

Regardless of diabetes etc , if there is a possibility that he is depressed it's likely the op is a contributing factor with her lack of tact and love.

 

There is no "lack of tact and love" here. I have been married to him for a very long time. In my eyes as his wife, he is a walking time bomb waiting to go off. He can make himself better and healthier if he chooses. I breaks my heart that he doesn't.. And as far as his belly showing, no I don't feel that he should allow that..

[ThatwasThen]

Did not imply micromanaging at all.

No disrespect intended, however: That's exactly what you implied. Saying things like "Can you think of ways to get him out of the house more" and all that other stuff about her being responsible for what he eats is indeed micro managing even if you didn't mean it to be as such.

 

So what if he will go and buy it from time to time? The less garbage food is available, the better. Also, trying to engage your spouse in something positive is hardly a bad thing. Doesn't mean he'll do it, but doesn't hurt to offer.

She has clearly tried all of it already.

 

Your stance is basically just give up on him and leave him to rot.

No, my stance is that she do what she's doing and to stop trying to micro manage him because she has zero control over him and what he does. She only has control over herself and giving up trying to control the situation will help her to accept and if she can't accept, then to leave. We CANNOT control others. She has asked, she has offered, she has discussed. That's all any of us can do about anything and if it's not volunteered, then we have to learn to stop torturing ourselves over the habits/addictions/issues of others.

 

Sorry, but I don't agree with that.

I don't either and I haven't suggested that she leave him to rot. She has done everything to try and get him to change that I would suggest. Now it's up to him and if her suggestions are not making him see then it's time for her to let go and accept that's who he is or leaves him if she can't do that. It will give her peace either way she chooses.

 

There are things you can do positively that can and actually do work. Finding a common interest and breaking up the hum drum routine is way more effective than medication in terms of jolting a person out of a rut.

Yes, she has suggested and he has declined. She can't drag him to exercise and she can't micro manage his eating habits. He's not 5 and she's not his mom.

 

OP right now is picking a direct fight and it's not working. So, try the crabwise approach. What does she have to lose at this point? Nothing and all to gain.

She's tried it all. No more trying to control and failing at it which makes her resentful and frustrated. Not a good feeling for her. Him... it's on him now and if she can't handle acceptance that this is who he is, then she has choices for herself that she DOES have control over.

 

Someone that is interested in their partners health be it physical or mental does not comment on their weight and mention how their belly shows with the shirt they chose to wear.

I'm sorry but I dont' know ANYONE that would not ask their partner to change if their belly fat was showing below their shirt. It's not being rude to protect someone from the ridicule that they will receive when they face the public in that way. There is a whole web site on "Walmart People" that go out in that type of garb so what I'm saying isn't too far fetched. If we love someone we want them to put their best forward at all times.

Regardless of diabetes etc , if there is a possibility that he is depressed it's likely the op is a contributing factor with her lack of tact and love.

Hardly and if those are not enabling words to dangerously over-weight people in this world, I don't know what is.

[thePuma]

It is possible to be interested in someone's health and still comment on how the person presents itself. I wouldn't say that this shows lack of tact or love. As the OP stated, she is struggling with the comments towards him.

 

I do agree that if the OP wants to stick with him for the better and worse, and maybe even give him another chance, she should restrict her comments to the positive behaviors. However, it is impossible to always control this after so many years.

[Batya33]

My husband was found to be pre-diabetic at his last physical some months ago. He was told to do a paleo diet, less pasta, etc (he had put on maybe 15 pounds over the last 5 years -he is not obese but not slim either).

 

I tried years ago to talk to him about exercising regularly as he used to and had stopped (he power-walked -he is not a gym person but he does swim when a pool is available) and he was not happy with my "suggestion". Now he's started power walking again and I am afraid to say anything but I do encourage him in the sense that I make sure he is comfortable taking the time to do it when he otherwise would be helping me with our son.

 

And when he asks my advice "should I push myself to power walk when I have a cold -I know you do" I will tell him but I err on the side of not advising him to overdo it. I have stopped buying certain foods and am never sure whether to tell him that what he is eating (i.e. take out stuff) has hidden sugars/fats/salt -I know a lot more about nutrition but does that knowledge mean that I should share it with him, an adult man? I told him "if you have any questions about the diet, I might be able to help" and left it at that.

 

I think I am overcompensating in the other direction but it seem to work for him so far - I am glad he's made the relatively small changes he has and I think he has lost a few pounds and enjoys the power walk more and more. Point is, it is a delicate balance and so individual to your dynamics as a couple. No strict guideline for how to do it. I would continue doing what you're doing -including the ice cream and cookies (me too!) and including the exercise/water intake, etc. Be lighthearted when he notices what you are doing to stay healthy. Also if he wants you to make certain changes, take steps to do that so you show him you are willing to change (rather than tell him). I know it's hard and frustrating. I hope my story helped.

[heartinlimbo]

Update: We are eating better, husband seems to be on board with that but he isn't exercising... baby steps!!!

[Wiseman2]

Good idea...do things as a team.

Update: We are eating better, husband seems to be on board with that but he isn't exercising...

[abitbroken]

Update: We are eating better, husband seems to be on board with that but he isn't exercising... baby steps!!!

 

Then plan to go to a fair, musical festival, etc, this summer and when he complains that he can't walk very far and needs to rest, etc, or can't enjoy everything because he feels so winded - then that is when he might wake up. Maybe a fair is not it - because the awful fried and sugary foods served there, but you get the picture. Once he gets to the point of not being able to do what he wants to do, he will wake up if he is going to ever.

[boltnrun]

Maybe take up photography.

 

Of course, the best views are from canyons, hills and mountains, etc.

 

He might get so into it that he'll forget he's exercising!

 

One thing I try to be really good at is...if it's in the house I'll eat it. My weakness is chips, so I don't buy any. If I crave chips I'd have to get into my car and drive to the corner store to buy some. I usually don't want to go to all that effort, so therefore I don't eat chips!

[Lester]

Baby steps are great and could work!

 

But,

 

If only appeasement on his part:

Before you married, what were his intentions for the union? Did he make them clear to you, and did you agree?

 

Did he tell you he didn't care about getting fat, sick or dying?

Did you tell you he didn't care about being a burden on you in the future?

Did he tell you he doesn't care about what people will think of him as your husband?

 

From here Heart is where the real cure must start.

Otherwise, each day will only bring a new band-aid.

[heartinlimbo]

He is on his feet all day at work that's why he says he doesn't want to exercise. He doesn't complain about walking somewhere if we are out sight seeing or on vacation but he doesn't want to make it part of a daily routine. listening to him recently talk to a doctor, he knows what he has to do to get healthy. I think something bad will have to happen before he makes exercise a permanent part of his life.. Hate to say that but........

[agent1607307371]

With weightloss diet> exercise, so eating well is the most important thing right now. I'm glad to hear that he's got on board with that

 

As he loses more weight and starts to feel better he might be more open to moving more or have some ideas about the type he'd enjoy.

[Lester]

"I think something bad will have to happen before he makes exercise a permanent part of his life.. Hate to say that but........

- How can something be bad if it saves your marriage and his life?

 

Some/many men need goals and real motivation.

The form of that motivation can take many shapes and be extreme

[Batya33]

He is on his feet all day at work that's why he says he doesn't want to exercise. He doesn't complain about walking somewhere if we are out sight seeing or on vacation but he doesn't want to make it part of a daily routine. listening to him recently talk to a doctor, he knows what he has to do to get healthy. I think something bad will have to happen before he makes exercise a permanent part of his life.. Hate to say that but........

 

On his feet is a big positive. But, he has to do enough cardio during the week as well.