My husband has a 'work wife' should I be worried?

[hippychick11]

I have been with my husband for approx. 2 years now. He recently started at a new position and has become very good friends with one of his work colleagues. He used to speak fondly of her but knows that I find it uncomfortable talking about other woman and even old gfs with him. I think it could be my own insecurities but something doesn't feel right about the situation...thing is though, She recently just got married. I looked her up on facebook and she is very overweight and not someone you would typically say was attractive.

 

While my husband was out, i went and checked an area in the house where I know he likes to keep personal things, I know this is probably wrong but its not locked up or anything, its right near our bedroom. There I found this easter present with chocolates, alcohol and a stuffed rabbit in a basket...he never mentioned this to me and we usually get excited if we are given gifts and things from other people.

 

I have a lot of trouble trusting people and I'm worried that he's having an emotional affair with this woman but she is married, so should I still be worried? He has mentioned to me many times that I am obsessive about him bringing up other woman and I think it could be me being a freak but I dont know.

 

Can you pls offer me some advise?

[j.man]

Well I'm with you as far as not making particular note to talk about ex partners, but sometimes the workplace barrier really does make it so men and women can much more easily build a genuine, platonic fondness of each other. It sounds to me like he just has a coworker he really enjoys working with. Unless they're meeting up one on one regularly outside of work or spamming each other text messages throughout the day, I don't see much issue.

 

Are we even sure the present was from her? Even so, she may have gotten everyone a little something.

[overthemoon86]

I think this might stem from your own insecurities. You mention in the thread that anytime your husband brings up a woman you get jealous. So now that he has brought up this coworker, it is something for your to dwell on and now you are investigating it. Looking into her facebook, looking into his personal things...that is frankly an invasion of his personal space. I think you have trust issues and that is something you need to work on.

 

Has your husband ever cheated on you? Has anyone ever abused your trust in the past? I think those are questions to think about and perhaps some therapy might help work through your insecurities.

 

Based on your story, I see you husband doing nothing wrong here.

[hippychick11]

No, they don't meet up, just texting each other. Thank you for your advise, I will try and chill out more...I worry about things way too much.

[kitkat620]

i was never comfortable with the moniker 'work spouse'. i wouldn't like it if my significant other had a work spouse. i think saying that or assuming it is the start of trouble.

i'm sure he kept the gift from you because he knew how you'd react. i am on your side with this. confront him and stress how uncomfortable you are with the whole relationship and especially with him getting gifts from this person and hiding them.

bottom line, if it makes you uncomfortable it should stop.

[starlight89]

They shouldn't be texting or giving each other gifts. I think you are right to be worried and this could very easily be an emotional affair.

 

Talk to him, tell him your concerns. If he loves you he will put you first and do what is right by your marriage.

 

First rule of marriage: You ALWAYS come first. He needs to respect your feelings and create some distance with her

[j.man]

i was never comfortable with the moniker 'work spouse'. i wouldn't like it if my significant other had a work spouse. i think saying that or assuming it is the start of trouble.

i'm sure he kept the gift from you because he knew how you'd react. i am on your side with this. confront him and stress how uncomfortable you are with the whole relationship and especially with him getting gifts from this person and hiding them.

bottom line, if it makes you uncomfortable it should stop.

Aside from the OP's title, I don't think anyone actually has used the term "work spouse." I think that's simply how she was describing it. It is a bit misleading.

 

I'd also be careful not to immediately assume just because the gift wasn't laid out on the bed for her to see it, that he was trying to hide it. I'm assuming the OP didn't find it strategically buried somewhere.

 

And as much as I'd hate to point out yet another disagreement with a fellow Chicagoan, I don't think one should have to quit doing something simply because it makes the partner uncomfortable. Instead, if she doesn't like it, play it off in a way where you're included. "Hey, let's open that bottle of whiskey you got in that basket!" I think it's one thing if she's giving him a Valentine's Day heart card. It's another if she's just giving out Easter presents.

[overthemoon86]

I think there is way too much quick assumptions here....how do you know they are texting each other? And how do you know the gift is even from her?

[greta96]

I think it's just your insecurities talking, I don't see anything wrong with what your husband is doing. Coworkers can be good friends, even if they are of opposite genders, and it doesn't mean something fishy is going on.

I can guarantee that the only reason he didn't mention the gift to you is because he knew how you would (over)react, and poor guy wanted to avoid yet another scene and then having to reassure you.

It's sad that you got him to a place where he's scared to mention ordinary things related to his friends, coworkers, work, female friends, exes, etc. If you want your partner to open up to you and be upfront about things and people going on in his life, you need to be way more light hearted about everything and not freak out every time a female name is mentioned.

Word of caution - it's only so much of this people can put up with. Constantly walking on eggshells is no fun, and it can end an otherwise good relationship faster than you think.

[hippychick11]

I know he's texting her because he has told me they do, which is fine...I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that. It's just he has a tendency to want to get close to women who give him attention. There have been little signs here and there like hiding the gifts from me, not inviting me to work functions, his texting her and I just KNOW that he likes her, I can tell, not necessarily in a romantic way, I have no idea.

[hippychick11]

I think it's just your insecurities talking, I don't see anything wrong with what your husband is doing. Coworkers can be good friends, even if they are of opposite genders, and it doesn't mean something fishy is going on.

I can guarantee that the only reason he didn't mention the gift to you is because he knew how you would (over)react, and poor guy wanted to avoid yet another scene and then having to reassure you.

It's sad that you got him to a place where he's scared to mention ordinary things related to his friends, coworkers, work, female friends, exes, etc. If you want your partner to open up to you and be upfront about things and people going on in his life, you need to be way more light hearted about everything and not freak out every time a female name is mentioned.

Word of caution - it's only so much of this people can put up with. Constantly walking on eggshells is no fun, and it can end an otherwise good relationship faster than you think.

 

Greta I know this 100%. I am terrified of losing him, this is why I'm insecure and I hate it. I don't want to make him unhappy which is also making me extremely unhappy too. I don't know how to get over my insecurities and it might end our relationship

 

How can I get better? It feels like an illness sometimes, I start to feel sick in my stomach when I suspicious of his relationships.

[starlight89]

I don't think you are being insecure. I am a confident woman with no trust issues but this situation would set alarm bells ringing for me too.

 

I am with my partner 7years and we have had zero trust issues but if he all of a sudden had a new best female friend that he spends loads of time with, talks fondly about, texts regularly and is recieving gifts from her, I would tell him to either get her out of his life now (before something happens between them) or I am gone

[Doc Blaze]

I don't think you are being insecure. I am a confident woman with no trust issues but this situation would set alarm bells ringing for me too.

 

I am with my partner 7years and we have had zero trust issues but if he all of a sudden had a new best female friend that he spends loads of time with, talks fondly about, texts regularly and is recieving gifts from her, I would tell him to either get her out of his life now (before something happens between them) or I am gone

 

thing is , he got a new job...you meet new people..

 

 

 

I am on the fence with this one, because you have admitted to insecurity issues.

 

 

I think that you should look at things as a whole. look at his actions

 

 

why is he hiding things, because he has a thing for her or because he knows

you will make a big deal about any female he talks about?

 

 

does he turn his cell phone away when she messages him?

 

what are the messages about?

 

does he hide anything else?

 

 

why aren't you allowed at the work functions?

[reinventmyself]

I know he's texting her because he has told me they do, which is fine...I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that. It's just he has a tendency to want to get close to women who give him attention. There have been little signs here and there like hiding the gifts from me, not inviting me to work functions, his texting her and I just KNOW that he likes her, I can tell, not necessarily in a romantic way, I have no idea.

 

I was ok with everything, until this ^

 

The attention seeking may be innocent but yet it's a character issue for me. Not to mention a risky habit when someone is in need of attention from people of the opposite sex. If it were just that in of itself, I personally would let it go but it would be on my radar.

 

But if you add these in, then there is a pattern:

 

Hiding gifts. . No, no, no. This is deceitful. If it were an innocent gift, then you would know about it.

 

Not inviting you to work functions? Are other partners/spouses included and you are intentionally not?

[Doc Blaze]

"It's just he has a tendency to want to get close to women who give him attention"

 

 

 

wait yeah after reading that info, that is kind of strange.

 

 

 

 

 

"While my husband was out, i went and checked an area in the house where I know he likes to keep personal things, I know this is probably wrong but its not locked up or anything, its right near our bedroom."

 

 

and what was the reasoning for this? why did you go snooping. something must of been in the back of your head about something

[Lester]

At work, a handsome, 34 old, "marathon fit" male with wife and three kids had an affair with a 51 old co-worker who was morbidly obese, divorced and in ltr.

It lasted years.

 

Just saying.

 

PS, Check cell phone records.

[HeartGoesOn]

I can't think of a concrete reason why a female colleague would be texting a married man outside of the workplace. Of course once in a blue moon is fine if it's work related, but this sounds a bit shady to me, (imo). Also, I find it odd that he never mentioned to you anything about receiving this gift...Red flag #2.

 

OP, I would not assume anything, but I would cut the cards, so to speak.

[Clinton]

I know he's texting her because he has told me they do, which is fine...I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that. It's just he has a tendency to want to get close to women who give him attention. There have been little signs here and there like hiding the gifts from me, not inviting me to work functions, his texting her and I just KNOW that he likes her, I can tell, not necessarily in a romantic way, I have no idea.

 

Warning, warning, potential affair about to happen. Time to take a stand and tell him to quit this crap. It's your way or the highway on this.

[hippychick11]

It seems opinions are a bit split on this one. I don't know whether to confront him on the gift issue or just leave it. He will think I am crazy if I bring this up and I can see why, I even think I sound silly sometimes. I just get so jealous!

 

He actually doesn't go out much and spends most of his free time with me so he definitely doesn't see her outside work. Hes been to her house to borrow something but I was waiting in the car when he went to go get it, never met her though.

[shellyf62]

I would be very suspicious of my husband texting a female co worker after hours. I also wouldn't be impressed with him receiving gifts from her.

 

My ex had an affair with a co worker, so maybe I am biased, but I would be having a serious talk with him, it all seems very suss to me.

[hippychick11]

I can't think of a concrete reason why a female colleague would be texting a married man outside of the workplace. Of course once in a blue moon is fine if it's work related, but this sounds a bit shady to me, (imo). Also, I find it odd that he never mentioned to you anything about receiving this gift...Red flag #2.

 

OP, I would not assume anything, but I would cut the cards, so to speak.

 

Yes and she only just got married herself! but what worries me is that people have all different kinds of relationships, she might think there's nothing wrong with what she's doing because maybe her husband doesn't care. She sounds very 'out there' and alternative the way he has described her but I have never met her so its only speculation.

[Jibralta]

I think you have to bring this up to your husband. It's really bothering you. I hope that he respects your feelings about this.

[reinventmyself]

she might think there's nothing wrong with what she's doing because maybe her husband doesn't care. .

 

I personally could care less what her values are.

It's yours and the ones related to your marriage with your husband that matter.

 

What she does in her spare time is her business.

When it involves your husband and you are not comfortable, then you talk to your husband about it . . and about your values

[itsallgrand]

I don't think her being married or not has any relevance. As you say, people have differing moralities. Plenty of married people cheat.

 

She isn't your problem though. Your husband is. Were you insecure in previous relationships? If so, what have you done to work on that prior to deciding to marry?

 

I would find it difficult to trust a man who is weak when it comes to handling female attention. Why do you think that about him?

[starlight89]

OP why do you feel you are insecure? Why do you feel you are over reacting? Has your husband told you that you are "insecure" if you ever question him about anything?

 

IMO an "insecure" person is someone who goes crazy if a boob comes on tv and says "stop looking at it" or if they watch their partner very closely in public to see if they are looking at people or if they have trust issues and make accusations all the time without any reason or proof.

 

It doesn't sound like you fall into that category. Maybe you are not insecure but your husband IS infact shady.

 

Is this the first relationship you have had trust issues in?