Gf went out with male co-worker to bar

[Escudo]

This happened a while back, about two months ago, but never really got total closure about it.

 

One afternoon I came home from work and a little bit after my gf informs me that she has plans to go out to a bar with a male friend from her work shift, at first I didn't bat an eye this because usually if she went out alone with a friend it's usually her girlfriends and if its a guy it's one of our mutual male friends. As a personal relationship rule, I prefer not being controlling and want her to continue to have friends, including guys outside the relationship.

 

I asked who she'd be going out with and when she told me, it was a guy I didn't know, to which I reflexively responded with a disapproving facial expression and a "hmm....". She calmly replied, "Don't worry he's not my type."

 

What she said next I found a bit odd, considering the fact that I hadn't even gotten around to asking if she'd mind me tagging along, she said "I'd invite you, but I'm selfish.". After a bit she'd started getting prepared for her night out and of course by that point was visibly irritated with the situation. So she asked why I was frustrated, and I told her I'm not comfortable with her going out with a guy I've never met, but made it clear I didn't intend to stop her as she's her own person and it's not my place.

 

Eventually the guy had come up to our apartment to pick her up, she asked if I wanted to walk her out to his car and I declined, as I took the offer as an insult, rubbing the fact I wasn't invited in my face.

 

She walked out seemingly annoyed. Prior to her leaving we had planned out transportation the guy would take her to his place, then they'd get a taxi to the bar, then I'd pick them up when they were finished to take him home and bring her back. She texted me at every step of the way, when they got to his place, got the taxi, got to the bar, and when they were ready to go.

 

I drove the guy home, which was awkward with all three of us in the car and me wanting to knock his head off. But I'd rather that than leave my girl alone in a taxi with a drunk guy.

 

The next two days we had two separate convos about that night, both initiated by me. I asked her why she felt the need to go out and expressedly not only NOT invite me, but preemptively say she didn't want me to come. She said she needed "time away and personal space" from me. I understood wanting personal time, but I questioned it being with some random dude I've never met. I told her that from now on I want to meet any new male friends before she hangs out with them alone,which she disagreed with and said I was "insecure".

 

After the second convo she was annoyed I brought it up again and she refused to talk about it further, and I dropped it to avoid further argument. The whole thing is weird considering I NEVER hangout with female friends alone not ever mutual ones nor am I interested , and she's stated a few times she'd be jealous if I did.

 

BTW by that point we'd been together 11 months and lived together for about 7 or 8 months.

[annie24]

wow, that is super awkward. you sound more like a dad and a guy is coming to pick your teen daughter up for a date. Does she play head games like this often? Normally I'd say if they're just friends, whatever.... but this is like really weird.

[jennylove]

Time to say goodbye. She is very inconsiderate and childish! You have tried talking to her, because ya know, communication is the key to any relationship. She responds to you in the most childish way. Goodbye!!

[Escudo]

No, Annie, she's not one to play games really.Not more than usual female stuff, no offense.

 

I was just confused by the whole deal with "I'd invite you, but I'm selfish" stuff.And saying she needed personal time and space.....but with another guy? Not saying I'd think she'd cheat, it really wasn't about that for me. I was and still am trying to figure the incident out. It was just fishy and I didn't know and hence didn't trust her friend.

[Escudo]

@Jenny: Well you must keep in mind this is but one incident that occurred in our otherwise smooth and stable relationship. Of course communication between us is usually good, open, honest, and productive. She's a bit independent in her personality and due to some rather traumatic things during her childhood she has a bit of an issue with authority especially male

authority.

[Snny]

she said "I'd invite you, but I'm selfish."

I wouldn't tolerate such disrespect. Not cool.

 

Eventually the guy had come up to our apartment to pick her up, she asked if I wanted to walk her out to his car

WAY inappropriate. Why couldn't she drive herself to the bar?

 

the guy would take her to his place, then they'd get a taxi to the bar

Gotcha. No bueno. She has no business being at his place.

 

Meeting up for happy hour/hanging out at the bar after the shift with co-workers is one thing. Going to a guy's house ALONE? No way, she is out of line.

 

She said she needed "time away and personal space" from me.

She's rude and should of arranged her own transportation. You were too nice to pick her up since she could afford a taxi/Uber driver anyway.

 

I told her that from now on I want to meet any new male friends before she hangs out with them alone

Yea... no, you didn't phrase this the right way. If she is going out WITH A GROUP OF PEOPLE from work (regardless of gender) or hanging out one in public space (like out to happy hour or coffee), that is ok. But she is spending one-on-one time at HIS place? What the hell was she thinking?

 

 

 

I'd drop her hard and fast and walk from this relationship if I were you. She has zero respect for you. Her behavior and attitude are unacceptable. You maybe "insecure," but she needs a reality check on relationship boundaries.

[Escudo]

@Snny:

 

She doesn't have a license, I usually drive her where she needs to go. I don't have a problem with her hanging out with guys not even alone as long as I'm at least acquianted with them. They were only at his place for tops ten mins waiting for the cab we share a GPS account so I have proof of that.

[Andrina]

You only knew her 4 months before moving in together. That's the honeymoon period and not reality. Never make important decisions like moving in together until you've known someone at least a year. That gives you time to see who the real person is (just as she's coming out now). Your problem is that you haven't discussed clear boundaries with each other and to see if they match. When people don't agree on the same boundaries, it's never going to work.

 

My husband and I share the same boundaries. We don't hang out one on one with anyone of the opposite sex. We have group friends and we're all together for dinner parties and going to the movies. I have guy Facebook friends from my past (platonic) and co-worker friends but do not exchange phone numbers with anyone for the purpose of being in each other's lives with that type of contact. Male/Female close friendships have a different dynamic, and many people stop having those types of friends once they get into an exclusive relationship. My husband is on the same page as me. Everyone is different on how they want to operate as a couple, but if you two can't come to a consensus, then you're not right for one another.

[ParisPaulette]

Yeah, it's time to break up. She goes on a date with another guy (come on, that's what that was, going to a bar with a male coworker? Yeah, right "just friends" my butt). Gets mad, doesn't invite you, then offers to let you act like "dad" walking her to her car.

 

I'd have had her bags packed when she got home. And no, you don't have to be okay with this. And her double standards? Totally rich? Otherwise if you stay go out to a bar with a female friend, tell her she isn't invited since you're selfish and want the female friend all to yourself and then tell her to suck it up buttercup, she started this and so that's the game.

 

And then when you get back from your date tell her to get out.

 

Seriously, you need to get your manhood back here. I don't think I've ever heard of a more neutering experience and I'm not trying to bag on you, I'm a woman though, and even I wouldn't stand for that crap. Seriously, any woman doing that one of my sons is going to end up bald if I were to catch her.

 

Value yourself more. That's all I'm going to tell you here, value yourself more.

 

P.S. It sounds like she's using you for money and a place to stay, because of the life of me I cannot fathom anyone doing this to their significant other if they loved them. I just can't.

[HeartGoesOn]

Escudo...You seem to be defensive towards every reply offered, therefore I have to ask ,what is your question?

[hazel125]

I'm sorry but I would not tolerate that behavior, not even if she was my wife. YOUR girlfriend went out with another MAN and didn't invite you and didn't want you there? That is just pure pure pure disrespect. Then she had the nerves to have you drive him home? And you did that? Really? I would of picked up my girl and left him there. Come on man, your not that weak. It seems to me like your girlfriend is trying to play the field and look for better. You got your own place and own car and she doesnt, she needs a reality check and clearly you need someone better. I get that you set up a boundary with her after this but be serious, spending one on one time alone with the opposite sex is an obvious no in any relationship that doesn't even need brought up.

[FirstIn]

Ok, I don't see anything wrong with going for a drink with a coworker (opposite sex even) after work.... that being said... I would only do it if I was walking out of work with a buddy I had no interest in and we were going for a quick drink on the way to the train. I would never be asking my female friend and colleague to go out with just me for drinks at a bar. Especially, if I was going to be picking her up from her apartment where she lives with her boyfriend.

 

If my girlfriend did that I would be questioning everything. Forget her honest intentions. This is more a question of values. You guys have different values on what is and is not ok in a relationship. She thinks it's ok to do this and she thinks it's ok to not communicate about it. She is not valuing your concerns here. She is not respecting you.

 

I'm not saying it's breakup time yet, but from experience, this kind of thing is the death nail. You can ignore it right now and similar instances will occur in the future... maybe months from now, and every time you will think "why would she do that?" then you will argue and she will breakup with you and tell her friends and that cool guy friend what an insecure jerk you were....

 

Think here, use your brain.... talk to her... prepare to start walking away if you can't meet in the middle and discuss this as adults. Don't let her label you as insecure or jealous. That situation would make anyone insecure or jealous. Be respectable and say, you support her having whoever she wants as a friend, but also be a man and say you are not ok with sitations like that.

[IAmFCA]

This was a date. They didn't go out after work. They didn't even go directly to the bar.

 

My guess: you're her roommate. No man would make this plan thinking you were her SO.

[catfeeder]

"I'd invite you, but I'm selfish."

 

No need to read past this. I'd walk away from her.

[Escudo]

Eh, I'm not one for knee-jerk reactions I analyze things before coming to conclusions. When we had the convo later I connected that to her wanting "personal time and space". Possibly she didn't know how to communicate wanting time away from me and trying not to be offensive she inadvertently made it offensive?

 

I'm really giving her the benefit of the doubt, since I trust her. Like I said this is more about me trying to understand the situation than placing blame or wanting out of the relationship.

 

Since this incident she hasn't went out alone with guys and we've only gone out together to parties. I'd be more urgent if this was a frequent thing but it's only happened once.

[IAmFCA]

Eh, I'm not one for knee-jerk reactions I analyze things before coming to conclusions. When we had the convo later I connected that to her wanting "personal time and space". Possibly she didn't know how to communicate wanting time away from me and trying not to be offensive she inadvertently made it offensive?

 

I'm really giving her the benefit of the doubt, since I trust her. Like I said this is more about me trying to understand the situation than placing blame or wanting out of the relationship.

 

Since this incident she hasn't went out alone with guys and we've only gone out together to parties. I'd be more urgent if this was a frequent thing but it's only happened once.

 

Ok, so if youre okay with it, than no problem here.

 

As you can see from the replies, there is a consistent perspective that differs from yours.

 

My response was short, that this was a date. This is why: he picked her up. They went to his home. They taxied together feom there.

 

Why? Why pick her up? Why stop at his house? Why arrive in one car, share a taxi? If I were FRIENDS with a person I could otherwise date, but dor the happenstance that we work together, then I would not do ANY of these three things. I would arrive on my own, I would meet in a restaurant beforehand, not his home. I certainly would not go.back to his house afterwards, as she obviously did. After a.drink, going back.tonhis house is just a bad idea, may send messages I don't want to.send, and may also tempt myself. I don't do it.

 

You can look past it until you're ready to see but in my mind there is no question what this was and what it wasnt.

 

It wasn't the actions of a monogamous partner. She was honest, she wanted some time.on her own. She got it. What did she.do with her on-my-own time? She went on a date, including getting picked up and driven to her hosts home. She proved to her date that you are her roommate, by going out with him right in front of you. She hasn't gone out with him again. So it was a one night stand, didnt worl out, or they go to lunch with each other on a regular basis, and.often at his place.

 

You choose trust her. You may trust that she told you she needs her independence. She didn't tell you why.... Because she doesn't want to be monogamous.

 

I hope this works out for.you. I see gaslighting in your future. I hope it doesn't happen and that we are all wrong in what we see.

[Escudo]

One thing she didn't go back home with him, I picked them both up from the club.

 

I do agree that we may have different values on monogamy. One of our ground rules is openness about our pasts and we've both shared very private things about our past relationships. She has told me she was once in an open relationship during college, something I'd never consider doing (and she knows it). She's also told me about some instances from her last relationship that caused their breakup, that may suggest she has boundary and trust issues. But her ex and I have very different personalities, but the way I see it was that her ex severely overreacted and was a bit clingy. Her ex and I have spoken before about their breakup as well.

[IAmFCA]

One thing she didn't go back home with him, I picked them both up from the club.

 

I do agree that we may have different values on monogamy. One of our ground rules is openness about our pasts and we've both shared very private things about our past relationships. She has told me she was once in an open relationship during college, something I'd never consider doing (and she knows it). She's also told me about some instances from her last relationship that caused their breakup, that may suggest she has boundary and trust issues. But her ex and I have very different personalities, but the way I see it was that her ex severely overreacted and was a bit clingy. Her ex and I have spoken before about their breakup as well.

 

Got it.

 

What do your instincts tell you?

 

Clingy tends to pair with insecure; she may need an uncomfortable amount of validation. My ex has both commitment challenges and a deeply rooted fear of abandonment, and chooses women who make a big stink about who he talks to, where he is, etc. Her controlling behavior makes him feel.both.resentful and secure, and so they bonded quickly but might break under their own weight eventually. Just an example of a not uncommon dynamic that may be relevant to.you.

 

In some way, your gf seems to be pulling prople into her matrix. Something to think about.

[TMifune]

Yeah, it's time to break up. She goes on a date with another guy (come on, that's what that was, going to a bar with a male coworker? Yeah, right "just friends" my butt). Gets mad, doesn't invite you, then offers to let you act like "dad" walking her to her car.

 

I'd have had her bags packed when she got home. And no, you don't have to be okay with this. And her double standards? Totally rich? Otherwise if you stay go out to a bar with a female friend, tell her she isn't invited since you're selfish and want the female friend all to yourself and then tell her to suck it up buttercup, she started this and so that's the game.

 

And then when you get back from your date tell her to get out.

 

Seriously, you need to get your manhood back here. I don't think I've ever heard of a more neutering experience and I'm not trying to bag on you, I'm a woman though, and even I wouldn't stand for that crap. Seriously, any woman doing that one of my sons is going to end up bald if I were to catch her.

 

Value yourself more. That's all I'm going to tell you here, value yourself more.

 

P.S. It sounds like she's using you for money and a place to stay, because of the life of me I cannot fathom anyone doing this to their significant other if they loved them. I just can't.

 

And to top it off she gaslights him. "I know I just went out with what very much looked like a date with another man, but you having any questions about that makes you 'insecure'! You're the one with the problem here." What kind of mind-job is that?

[Snny]

She doesn't have a license, I usually drive her where she needs to go.

So you are her chauffeur. Why doesn't she have a license?

 

Doesn't matter. She still had the money to pay for a taxi. Your argument remains invalid.

 

I don't have a problem with her hanging out with guys not even alone as long as I'm at least acquianted with them. They were only at his place for tops ten mins waiting for the cab we share a GPS account so I have proof of that.

You contradict yourself here. What are you upset about?

[jennylove]

I'm not sure what type of advice you need from ENA, you seem to justify her actions. You are in denial bigtime. We'll see you in less than a year with some dramatic breakup thread, I guarantee this.

[Escudo]

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Jenny......

 

I suppose I got what I wanted out of this, an second opinion of the incident. Whether what happened was an intentional date or a faux pas, I'll probably never know with certainty. As our relationship stands, it is awesome and we're good to each other. This incident stood as the single breakdown in communication between us and maybe the biggest misunderstanding in our respective values.

[annie24]

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Jenny......

 

I suppose I got what I wanted out of this, an second opinion of the incident. Whether what happened was an intentional date or a faux pas, I'll probably never know with certainty. As our relationship stands, it is awesome and we're good to each other. This incident stood as the single breakdown in communication between us and maybe the biggest misunderstanding in our respective values.

 

I think it's important you guys talk about it and to talk about boundaries. Really, I didn't like how she said that she would invite you but she's selfish. To me, it sounds like she wanted to be on a date with another man showing her attention. And the way he picked her up from your place and you drove him home, seriously, that's like you're the dad to a teenage daughter and her date, driving the kid home because he has no driver's license. Personally, I would not be ok with the situation in your shoes, and I really hope that you two have had some serious talks about boundaries. How would she like it if you took another woman out for drinks and took her out on a night on the town, while your gf sat at home?? I hope she can see it from that perspective and be more considerate of you in the future. Or if she really does want to go on dates with other men, would you consider an open relationship?

[Escudo]

I think it's important you guys talk about it and to talk about boundaries. Really, I didn't like how she said that she would invite you but she's selfish. To me, it sounds like she wanted to be on a date with another man showing her attention. And the way he picked her up from your place and you drove him home, seriously, that's like you're the dad to a teenage daughter and her date, driving the kid home because he has no driver's license. Personally, I would not be ok with the situation in your shoes, and I really hope that you two have had some serious talks about boundaries. How would she like it if you took another woman out for drinks and took her out on a night on the town, while your gf sat at home?? I hope she can see it from that perspective and be more considerate of you in the future. Or if she really does want to go on dates with other men, would you consider an open relationship?

 

Well, the picking them up was my idea not hers lol. I simply didn't want her to be waiting with a drunk dude for a taxi. But, yeah I was totally not ok with any of it.

 

The thing is that since this happened some time ago, I don't know how I'd bring it up when it's been considered a bygone by now. I'd really like not to dig It up only for it to turn into an argument. If I did I'd have to do it in directly somehow. And seeing as she hasn't done anything like that since, I think she got the hint that I was quite uncomfortable about it.

 

And no, an open relationship is very much beyond my capacity to tolerate, and she's well aware of that. However reluctantly, I would end the relationship if it ever got to the point of her insisting moving in that direction.

[chitown9]

The fact that she has been in an open relationship in the past and you have not and would not even consider it demonstrates that you both have differing views on boundries. What she did here is what is called a "red flag." You need to have a heart to heart conversation with her and discuss this matter. I would seem that the only acceptable solution for you would be a commitment from her that she would never, ever repeat that performance. Unfortunately, it would seem that if this behavior of hers in not nipped in the bud now you can only expect more of the same in the future. Would that be ok with you.....if she keeps doing this sort of thing? chi