Can you please help me get my ex back?

[zebra10]

I was with my ex for 2 years. After over a year, he'd never said "I love you." Seemed so emotionally closed off -- I knew nothing about his feelings, his future plans or dreams -- if I asked he'd say "I don't make plans far in the future. I'll see when the time comes." Would refer to how his upbringing (in a poor 3rd world country) taught him not to plan for anything and "the world is not a rosy place" but would not ellaborate. He also didn't ask me many questions or seem interested in getting to know me on a deep level. Even on 2nd date he wanted me to come to his place and watch a movie, I responded I wasn't looking for a hookup, he took me to get ice cream then proceeded to take me back down to his place. I knew nothing about his family (let alone meeting them, or even Skyping with them, as they were overseas and he hadn't bothered to visit them himself in 10 years. Eventually talked to his sis through facebook and she said "Can you please make him care more about the family, I feel he has forgotten all of us." He'd respond to most of my stories or conversation starters with, "That's good." Would text me maybe once a night, but forget phone calls.

 

Well after a year, I was feeling insecure about it all. He'd randomly stop having sex with me "because I'm a Christian and it's wrong and not the way to build the right foundtaion for marriage"... YET he was the one pushing sex hard from date 1! Eventually he resumed, then stopped again another time for like a month. I'd come over his place and he'd just sit in the office doing work all night, when his job didn't even mandate he finish that work urgently...And he declared "Work will be my priority, not you, for at least years to come." Eventually I tell him "I don't know if we're on the same page, I mean you haven't even told me 'I love you' back when I've said it for months, and I'm not sure you eventually want the kind of future - marriage, kids, whatever- that I do." He goes "I do love you, I've never said that to any girl before." (He dated his ex for 3 years.) "I do want marriage and kids with you when I decide the time is right." I ended up giving him a hug, then going out bc he knew I had plans with my best girlffriend already. Well, later by reading his texts, I find out that he'd texted a single girl from his summer job and asked her to meet him up at the bar alone. She couldn't join, but he proceeds to spend the next week flirting with her, asking for pics, etc even while going out and having sex with me. Saved her as a guy friend's name on his phone and then deleted the texts (I saw them before he did). Much later when I confront him, he claims he considered us "broken up" at the time. News to me!! Regardless, a month later she's texting and asking her if he'll come over her place and drink once she's back in town. He says "definitely."

 

So after that incident it was hard for me to trust him again. And hard for me to trust that him assuring me of a future wasn't him just throwing me a bone to shut me up. Yes he asked me to move in, but his buddy texted and said to him, "May as well get a ring and make it official?", and my BF's response was just "I'm warming up to her moving in bc it's nice to only pay 1/2 the rent." Later he assured me my name was on the lease -- actually forwarded me an online lease for me to sign, with our landlord's name etc, then later I find out that she never signed it (which my boyfriend knew, while continuing to make me think I was on the lease and collecting rent from me).

 

From the very first time I brought up moving in together... or the subject of marriage... or anything about future, every time he broke up with me and only got back together after watching me cry for days. And then he wouldn't discuss, just went back to actlng like things were fine. Now he broke up with me a few months ago. He has reservations about seeing me again though he admits he misses me, because "I warned you that if you kept wanting to discuss marriage or the future, I'd dump you." (He couldn't even give an approximate timetable like "in a couple of years we'll get engaged.") BUT I called him last Friday night and he stayed on phone with me for 1.5 hours!! Very quiet but that's his normal self. So now I'm encouraged. How do I convince him I miss and need him so much that I'll shut up about future discussions for good?

[melancholy123]

Do you have such low self esteem that this guy seems like a good boyfriend or husband for you? He sounds like a selfish dud to me. I think he's using you for sex and whatever else you can give to him. I dont think he actually loves you. He's lied to you and he's run around on you. How is this ok with you? He lied about putting you on the lease so he could pay just half the rent. Is this really alright with you? You need to find someone better as this guy is not relationship material at all.

[annie24]

I don't understand why you want him back either?? He sounds like a contender for "Worst boyfriend of the year."

[reinventmyself]

At his very best he was negligent, selfish and not in love with you.

In the end he left you? You should have expected and wanted more for yourself and when you saw the first sign this wasn't going to happen you should have been the one to leave him.

You just shared a lot of negative attributes. Does this guy have any redeeming qualities? Because if he doesn't, then he just gave you biggest gift, extricating himself from your life.

Spend some time on your own and work on your self worth.

 

When someone begins with `get my ex back' they typically will include all the fabulous reasons they want them back. . but you didn't, or couldn't,. . Not even one.

[zebra10]

When someone begins with `get my ex back' they typically will include all the fabulous reasons they want them back. . but you didn't, or couldn't,. . Not even one.

 

Hm, he is very successful and accomplished in his profession (which is also mine -- I'm really the same rank/level of success, although my mom said the first time she met him he was putting down my sector at work, and coworkers in my sector have separately felt put down by him as well randomly). What else do I like... He doesn't care whatsoever what others think of him (said "I didn't come to this country to make friends or be liked")... Doesn't really care what I think either. He is confident and sexy. He doesn't seem to have much emotion even for his own family, and since I feel he doesn't care much about people, that gives me the BIGGEST rush and sense of accomplishment when he actually shows me some and I feel like I've "broken him down." It's such a high. I need it again, but he'll have to be convinced that I will not ever care about future again. It is encouraging that he stayed on phone w me for 1.5 hours on his Friday night even when I kept saying "hey if you need to go I understand, I know it's late"

[reinventmyself]

uuhm. . you still listed negatives.

This isn't love.

You needing the exercise or win over someone {from what you describe seems abusive} love you isn't love.

Him wanting you to not hang up is likely him not being able to withstand someone walking away.

None of this is love.

It's unhealthy

[kbbcoop77]

I'm wondering if this is serious? I don't see one redeeming quality that would make you want him back. You should be celebrating he's gone. Don't look back, being alone is way better than this nightmare. Find someone that's normal and makes you happy. This ain't it.

[ParisPaulette]

Why on earth would anyone want to help you get back someone who never even said they loved you in the first place and pretty much destroyed any self-respect you might have had before they entered your life?

 

You need to move on and heal from this, learn the harsh lesson that being a doormat and letting someone walk all over you is NOT the way to a loving sane healthy relationship. Which you never had with this guy in the first place, all you list are negatives, and I'm really perplexed why you think there's anything to win here.

 

It's been a losing proposition from day one from what I can tell. Sorry, you deserve better, but until you believe that I think you're going to be in for a very bad time of it love wise. Maybe see someone to discover the reason for such low self-esteem and such a fear of being alone that you'll tell yourself you love someone you don't even like or respect and vice versa.

[toby17]

After over a year, he'd never said "I love you."

 

He also didn't ask me many questions or seem interested in getting to know me on a deep level.

 

Eventually talked to his sis through facebook and she said "Can you please make him care more..."

 

Well after a year, I was feeling insecure about it all. He'd randomly stop having sex with me

 

he declared "Work will be my priority, not you

 

he proceeds to spend the next week flirting with her.... Saved her as a guy friend's name on his phone

 

my BF's response was just "I'm warming up to her moving in bc it's nice to only pay 1/2 the rent."

 

Can you please help me get my ex back?

 

You're having a laugh. No!

 

BUT I called him last Friday night and he stayed on phone with me for 1.5 hours!! Very quiet but that's his normal self. So now I'm encouraged. How do I convince him I miss and need him so much that I'll shut up about future discussions for good?

 

"It doesn't matter when your dignity kicks in, so as long as it does." I sure hope yours kicks in soon.

[radiance]

It looks like you're better off without him...

[Capricorn3]

I don't understand why you want him back either?? He sounds like a contender for "Worst boyfriend of the year."

 

I totally agree! I can't understand WHY you would even want someone like this? You should thank your lucky stars that you are rid of him. You dodged a bullet.

[patterned]

If I walked up to you exhibiting the same behavior you'd never go for it. You're attached. He's familiar. You "FEEL" like you want him back. You don't actually want him back. That feeling you have is something you've got to take care of and give yourself. He's doing nothing for you. You want to feel better but your mistaken thinking he or anyone else should be fixing it. YOU DON'T WANT THIS.

[zebra10]

He only treated me badly because he didn't want to talk about future. So when I brought it up he took it as I didn't trust him or wanted to pressure him (although I was very clear many times that I don't need marriage or kids within the next year or 2, just wanted to know we were heading that way, his general timeframe, what he wanted to wait for before he felt he was ready to get married etc). So that's why I want to know how to make him see I'm sorry

[Hollyj]

You need to seek some counseling. It is clear that you do not value or like yourself.

 

This guy has shown you that he does not care about you. At all.

[zebra10]

Why wouldn't you think he cared?! He'd take me to work events and let me fly with him to friends' weddings. A couple times he socialized with my family. He asked me to move in (yes I know he told his best buddy he was warming up to me moving in bc it'll be nice to pay half rent- this was in response to his buddy asking "so if she's moving in, you might as well get a ring, make it official?!").

[mhowe]

He doesnt' care an iota about anyone but himself. He isn't "confident and sexy" ---- he's arrogant and selfish.

 

He wants rent money from you? He "let you fly with him"?

 

For the love of Mike --- if you never spoke to him again he wouldn't notice.

[Hollyj]

Why wouldn't you think he cared?! He'd take me to work events and let me fly with him to friends' weddings. A couple times he socialized with my family. He asked me to move in (yes I know he told his best buddy he was warming up to me moving in bc it'll be nice to pay half rent- this was in response to his buddy asking "so if she's moving in, you might as well get a ring, make it official?!").

 

You need to reread your own post, as nothing sounds loving or redeeming about this man.

You also need to understand why you have stayed in this nothing relationship for as long as you have. This is a sad situation.

[Hollyj]

If his friend is making this types of comments, then your ex had not been saying respectful things about you.

 

You should never have to prompt someone to say I love you. Stop excusing away this situation. You should expect more for yourself!!!!

[zebra10]

Look, I felt a passion and happy excitement with him that I've never had. And he did care enough about me to occasionally spend time with my family and ask me to move in (I know there was the comment he made to his best friend about having half rent paid(. I just want to know, if he's emotionally very closed and hated thought of talking about commitment, how do I get a guy like that back

[mhowe]

Short answer....you don't.

[zebra10]

Why can't I?????

[mhowe]

Because he has no interest. It takes 2 to tango.

[saluk]

I came in here planning to be funny and give you a fake step by step of getting your ex back. But, your story was so sad and depressing I just don't have the heart. He dumped you because you want to get married. That tells you everything you ever need to know about this man. Whatever level of connection you ever had, that's all you will EVER get from him. I know you don't want him back as bad as you think you do. All of the fights happened because you want more than he can give you. And he knows it. And you know it.

 

Are you willing to take what little affection he is able to give you for the rest of your life? Because I bed that he will come back if you go back to the old mode and just accept him for who he is and the level of emotional connection he can give. You will NEVER be happy with this man. But at least you wont be alone right?

 

No! You are way better off being alone and learning how to be happy on your own two feet. And maybe there is someone who will actually offer you the relationship you dream of. The connection where your man is as emotionally invested and committed as you are. Where he props you up when you fall down rather than you always being his footstool. The marriage you hope for. When you are ready for it.

 

You will NEVER find that relationship in this mans arms. Never. So do you either hold out some hope to find that relationship, or are you going to give up and resign yourself to... whatever this is?

[zebra10]

Also I ran into him at gym and now he says hi and he also said "have a good workout" In a nice voice. slowly but surely please help me reconnect w him

[kbbcoop77]

Also I ran into him at gym and now he says hi and he also said "have a good workout" In a nice voice. slowly but surely please help me reconnect w him

 

You're one of those posters that ask for advice and in one ear and out the other it goes.

 

People give you advice to help you heal. After reading your story no one is going to root for you returning to that "relationship" ..it's not healthy.