zebra10 Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 Only reason it wasn't healthy is that I expected too much. At 14 months I expected to be told "I love you" back even though he didn't say it to his mom for 25 years and I expected him to be able to talk in general terms about marriage and future. Now I realize my mistake and want to convey that so I can have him back. I want him to know I won't go on without him Link to comment
saluk Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Only reason it wasn't healthy is that I expected too much. At 14 months I expected to be told "I love you" back even though he didn't say it to his mom for 25 years and I expected him to be able to talk in general terms about marriage and future. Now I realize my mistake and want to convey that so I can have him back. I want him to know I won't go on without him Yes. This is the only reason your relationship was unhealthy: you are looking for a nice stable man who will invest in you, love you, build you up, protect you, stay with you, not cheat on you, and marry you. And he is not, and never will be, anywhere close to any of the things you are actually wanting out of a guy you date. There are 0 reasons to stay in a relationship with someone like this. You SHOULD expect these things. You deserve better. Much better. Not a little bit better. MUUUUCH better. He won't give you even a little bit better. In fact, if you get back together, he will know that no matter how terrible he treats you, you will still come running back. And he will treat you even worse. Get therapy. Get therapy. Get therapy. You would have to be mental to want to get back together with him. He's not just "not saying" he loves you. He DOESN'T love you. And he never has. He probably doesn't know how to, which is sad in it's own way. But just because someone's life history has made them unable to give you the love you deserve, doesn't mean that you are going to be able to get that out of him if you stay with him long enough. Feel sorry for him if you must, but walk away. And get therapy. You did nothing wrong in this relationship besides stay with him. Don't go back. Get therapy. Learn to love yourself so that you won't accept this kind of "love". Get therapy. Get therapy. Link to comment
zebra10 Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 Saluk. Your post made a lot of Good sense. I've reread it a couple times and am trying to let some of it sink in. But there's this fear in me. I told him I loved him after 8 months. He said it took him 25 years to even say those words back to his own mother. He later signed my bday card "to my love." Said he had to practice writing it before he could say it. Yet when he finally said it... It was after 14 months, when I said sadly "I'm really not sure we're on the same page." And after he finally said the words and I gave him a long hug then went out with my best girlfriend as planned... He tried to sneak out to a bar w this single girl he'd been flirting with. Then was really distant w me and kept asking her for pics and flirting. What was all of that, honestly??? Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 He tried to sneak out to a bar w this single girl he'd been flirting with. Then was really distant w me and kept asking her for pics and flirting. What was all of that, honestly??? That was him showing you his true colours. He is showing you his TRUE character. This is the man in all his "glory" and it is who he is. He won't change. He does NOT love you and going back to a jerk like this would be extremely foolish on your part. It would be heading for a lifetime of misery. Is that really what you want? Seriously? Link to comment
zebra10 Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 Well then why did he ever do nice things for me or spend time with me or bother to give that whole explanation about how he'd barely even said "I love you" to his own mother, ever? Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 zebra...What advice would you offer to a friend who was in this position? Link to comment
saluk Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 I get where you are coming from. You have been trying so hard for so long to reach this distant closed-off person, and feel like you've made headway there. But then you hit another wall. Kind of frustrating isn't it? You are asking the wrong question. By framing the question as "Why does he act this way" you can find pat answers that seem to solve it. "Why won't he say he loves me" is answered with "he wont even tell his mother he loves her". But what about the question "Is it good for me to be with someone who has such a hard time expressing his true feelings?" Loving someone shouldn't be a puzzle you have to solve. I'm not surprised that he has been able to say the right words at times to convince you his love is real. But how often does this happen? Then afterwords he does something like step out on you or just go back to his "normal self". It doesn't actually stick. It's just an act to keep you around, and keep you in the little perfect box that he is comfortable with you being in. Here's a question for you. How would you have liked him to treat you? If you could make him be a certain way, is there anything you would change about him or his behavior towards you? If yes, and I expect there are a lot of things you would like to change about him. But I also expect that those things you most wish for him to change are not going to change - and in fact there is a very real danger that it could get worse if you don't let him go and find a way to convince him to come back. Start thinking about what it might mean to you to walk away. Do you have friends or family who can help you? Are you in school/have a job/place to stay? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Well then why did he ever do nice things for me or spend time with me or bother to give that whole explanation about how he'd barely even said "I love you" to his own mother, ever? If this weren't a big problem, you wouldn't be here. Stop making excuses for this guy - we have all responded in the same way. I am assuming you came here for advice. Expect more for yourself. Link to comment
zebra10 Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 I did come here for advice, but on how to "need" less from him and get him back. Because yes it's weird that he would break up w me anytime I brought up future and stare at walls for hours during conflicts even if I cried, and wouldn't say "I love you" for 14 months and then when he finally did and I hugged him, he immediately tried to sneak out w a girl he'd been flirting with. But that just means I need to figure out how to not scare him off by needing too much emotion! Link to comment
Hollyj Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Why do you want someone, who doesn't meet your needs? You need to deal with your self esteem issues. You should have left this guy, long ago. This is who he is. He will not change. And, I'm sorry, but he doesn't love you, Link to comment
saluk Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 I'm sorry, you cannot ask for advice and then place restrictions on the form of that advice. Here at enotalone, we answer the real problem, not what the poster thinks is the problem. Because often the poster is so wrapped up in their emotions and the situation that they don't realize what the real problem is. Your needs are not a problem. Your wanting him to be different than he is, to say he loves you, to commit to you, to not cheat on you - how can you possibly think that those desires in you are bad? And no, they aren't going to go away. His behavior isn't weird. It's a normal way for an emotionally abusive boyfriend to act. It's a normal way for someone who does not know how to love or be loved to act. I would feel terrible about myself to try and give you advice on how to stay with someone like this. He will ruin you. Again: do you have friends or family who can help you, who you can stay with? Do you have a life outside of your boyfriend? Have you scheduled an appointment for a therapist or counselor? You need someone who you can really talk to, and we've hit the limits of anonymous online communication. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Zebra, I would never put up with this kind of crap from a man, and none of my friends would either. I don't understand why you are so desperate for a man that is treating you like a place holder, and is clearly not faithful. You need to to address your own issues to understand what attracts you to an unavailable man. I suggest you check out baggagereclaim.com, to understand why you do not value your needs, or The comment about the rent was offensive. I hope that you will take our advice to heart. Link to comment
Blue_Skirt Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Well then why did he ever do nice things for me or spend time with me I have read all of your posts and I read NOWHERE that he did something nice. Also I ran into him at gym and now he says hi and he also said "have a good workout" In a nice voice. Wow, I don’t go to the gym, but this is what I probably would say to a lot of that I would see at the gym on a regular basis. You need to work on your self esteem, that should be your number 1 priority. Why in heaven would you want to have this guy back, so that he can collect half of the rent from you? Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 To be clear...he wasn't BEING nice....he just used a nice VOICE. He placated you and then went out and met another woman. Hello?! Is anyone in there? Link to comment
zebra10 Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 But he said later that he'd just told her, "hey I had a fight with my girlfriend, want to go out and get a drink?" Although I don't know why, if they were just friends, he kept asking her for photos, texting her stuff like "what kind of fun do you like " for over a week... And it was clear he deleted texts off his phone bc the convo would suddenly start over. Once the top text was just her saying "I appreciate you being honest, good luck working things out w the other girl," but that was when I thought things were just fine and I was having sex w him. And he changed her name to a guy in his phone Link to comment
kbbcoop77 Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 But he said later that he'd just told her, "hey I had a fight with my girlfriend, want to go out and get a drink?" Although I don't know why, if they were just friends, he kept asking her for photos, texting her stuff like "what kind of fun do you like " for over a week... And it was clear he deleted texts off his phone bc the convo would suddenly start over. Once the top text was just her saying "I appreciate you being honest, good luck working things out w the other girl," but that was when I thought things were just fine and I was having sex w him. And he changed her name to a guy in his phone Yikes. Why bother??? Link to comment
saluk Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 "why did he do all of these bad things and make me think he was good and still had sex with me" Because he is not a good person. You've made him your God. He is not. He is a man. A very broken one - even more broken than you. You can't fix him. I hope you get help. There is better for you in life than this cage that you are trying to let him put you in. But no one can help someone who wants to stay in a cage. If you want to go back in the cage, just go back in. It's not hard. Tell him that you will submit to him and do whatever he pleases and no longer think of yourself or what you want. He will probably take you back. He will keep screwing around with others too. He will do whatever he wants. And you will let him. And you will suffer. It's your choice what you want out of life. Even if he doesn't take you back, with the lengths to which you seem to be willing to sacrifice yourself, you will quickly find another just like him. It starts with you. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 I did come here for advice, but on how to "need" less from him and get him back. Because yes it's weird that he would break up w me anytime I brought up future and stare at walls for hours during conflicts even if I cried, and wouldn't say "I love you" for 14 months and then when he finally did and I hugged him, he immediately tried to sneak out w a girl he'd been flirting with. But that just means I need to figure out how to not scare him off by needing too much emotion! Seriously, are you even listening to what you are saying?? Please re-read your above comment several times and really let it sink in. And then you still want him back!!? Really? As mentioned before by myself and many other members, you need to look into professional counseling/therapy a.s.a.p. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 The answers to all your questions can be found at this website: There done and done. Link to comment
SURPRISE Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 The one thing I have learned through my first major relationship is that at over one year dating when she pulled away from me, I should have never looked back. We want people in our lives that will be there through hard times, not turn away for any reason. 9 months after splitting up, I foolishly called on her birthday because I still loved her. She came over crying and wanted me back telling me she was sorry for everything and she loved and missed me. We dated for a little over 3 years more and got married. 3 years in to the marriage she decided that I was not what she wanted and we got divorced. It wasn't like we fought all the time, she just could not find someone that she felt was better then me at the time so in her mind, she thought she had settled. The point here is that often people walk away because they have doubts and it often seems like they are playing games or being dishonest. If they can't find someone they like more then you, they might be back, but do you really want that? They will tell you they need time, or some other excuse, but truth of the matter is that they have doubts. When a person is right for you they won't risk losing you. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 This is looking like a troll. Link to comment
zebra10 Posted November 21, 2015 Author Share Posted November 21, 2015 I really appreciate everyone's advice. I know he's usually an emotional brick wall, but somehow I'm still convinced he's the one for me. Maybe I like the emotional distance myself. I don't think I want the classic fairy tale, happy ever after. What I want is the challenge, and him. What's worked to get him back before: A few days of crying and looking devastated. Another instance, it was him thinking I was starting to go out with friends who were encouraging me to meet other guys. Either way, I need to figure out how to convince him Iv'e stopped caring about getting married and just want HIM. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 This is looking like a troll. I agree. No one can be this desperate. Link to comment
zebra10 Posted November 21, 2015 Author Share Posted November 21, 2015 I'm not desperate. I just know we were great together and would Continue to be if I didn't bring up topics about the future or need to hear the words "I love you." Which is why I've been asking how to convey to him that there's no pressure and I'll love him just as he is Link to comment
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