Fear of commitment vs. staying in a bad relationship

[Seymore]

One thing someone told me (who didn't actually REALLY know me, but still) after I left my ex was that I had a fear of commitment. I'd also heard that if I loved her I would have given her a second chance. I've had three serious relationships in my life, and left all three of them because of either abuse or other red flags, and all three didn't exactly prove themselves trustworthy. But hey, "real couples stick it out and work on things", right? And yet when someone like me "sticks it out" and gets burned time and time again and leaves, I have a fear of commitment.

 

Ideas like this, I believe, along with "turn the other cheek" and "don't give up" are a big reason why so many people choose to stay in bad relationships and find themselves divorcing or in therapy down the line. What's the alternative to having a "fear of commitment" - staying in something that isn't working? Why can't it just be "I tried, it wasn't working, and insanity is doing the same thing expecting something different so I had to leave."

[Fudgie]

I had friends give me crap when I left my ex. They wanted us to get back together but it wasn't going to happen. At the time, I was angry but now I get it, I think they just didn't know what was really going on. They didn't know that he had put in his hands on me and hit me in anger, and told me that if I didn't cut off a member of my family, he would leave me. It was abusive.

 

Remember that people project a lot. Maybe this person is sour grapes because they were left by someone in the past and instead of looking hard at themselves or seeing what was wrong with the relationship, they decided to blame it on the other person and say it was a "fear of commitment". Obviously, not everyone who leaves a relationship is afraid of commitment, you and I both know that, but some people are just dumb and let their experience color absolutely EVERYTHING they say to the point that their advice isn't really applicable to you.

 

Please don't take it personally. I've read your previous threads. Your ex is definitely abusive. You were right to leave.

[dias]

One thing someone told me (who didn't actually REALLY know me, but still) after I left my ex was that I had a fear of commitment. I'd also heard that if I loved her I would have given her a second chance. I've had three serious relationships in my life, and left all three of them because of either abuse or other red flags, and all three didn't exactly prove themselves trustworthy. But hey, "real couples stick it out and work on things", right? And yet when someone like me "sticks it out" and gets burned time and time again and leaves, I have a fear of commitment.

 

Ideas like this, I believe, along with "turn the other cheek" and "don't give up" are a big reason why so many people choose to stay in bad relationships and find themselves divorcing or in therapy down the line. What's the alternative to having a "fear of commitment" - staying in something that isn't working? Why can't it just be "I tried, it wasn't working, and insanity is doing the same thing expecting something different so I had to leave."

These are nonsense . People stay in bad relationships because they are afraid to be alone.

[TMifune]

These are nonsense . People stay in bad relationships because they are afraid to be alone.

 

Or because they have low self-esteem and think they "deserve" the way they're treated. Or because the interactions they saw as a child gave them a tragically skewed view of relationships.

 

I think just because someone from the outside says "you have a fear of commitment" doesn't necessarily mean you have a fear of commitment.

[sophie274]

I don't think it's that common to be accused of "fear of commitment" when you break up with someone. And I can't say that I imagine it's a big reason why people stay together, that they've been drilled to death with commitment. I think it's more common that people stay in a bad relationship because they think it will get better, because they don't believe they deserve better (low self-worth or self-esteem), because they are too scared of change, don't want to be alone, or because they have strong ties to the person and want to believe they can make it work (children, marriage, property, many shared years, etc etc ...).

 

During most of my friends' breakups, it was obvious the two people were not suited or that their partner wasn't worthy, so I have typically neither been surprised nor do I ever remember encouraging my friends to get back together with their exes when they had dumped them. There have only been a couple of times where I thought friends were being WAY too picky, which might have to do with a fear of commitment: typically men breaking up with women because of silly things like the way they styled their hair or how they dressed or because their laugh was "annoying". In those cases though, I typically thought "good riddance" for the women!

 

I think your situation is unusual and I wonder if your friends:

- Don't really know how the reality of your relationship was and don't understand what you went through

- Are themselves single and hating it so convinced that even an abusive relationship is better than none

- Have been in touch with your ex who has told them false stories about the breakup

- Something else ... because this is unusual behavior, I think

[bulletproof]

 

Ideas like this, I believe, along with "turn the other cheek" and "don't give up" are a big reason why so many people choose to stay in bad relationships and find themselves divorcing or in therapy down the line. What's the alternative to having a "fear of commitment" - staying in something that isn't working? Why can't it just be "I tried, it wasn't working, and insanity is doing the same thing expecting something different so I had to leave."

 

"Don't give up" is not necessarily bad advice, in and of itself. Sometimes there are things we think are "wrong" with our relationships when in fact they're actually fixable problems.

 

I think you're analyzing this way too simplistically. It's not that black and white. Relationships are neither all terrible nor all good, for the most part. Lots of middle ground there.

 

Ignore what people say to you. It's really none of their business. Unless of course, you think there's some truth to their statements, and in that case, do some introspection.

[faraday]

My parents raised me with "relationships are hard. You need to fight for them- you have to give it your all. Love is sacrifice." So when I went out into the dating world, I indiscriminately gave every relationship my all.

 

What I realized is that...yes, you do need to fight for your relationship...but first, you need to screen the hell out of the person you're developing a relationship with. Make sure you're compatible. Make sure they have the same life goals, dreams, energy levels, and standard of living expectations. Make sure they aren't in abusive patterns. That they can communicate effectively. That they have the same expectations out of a partner that you do. The first year...even five should be ridiculously easy. It should be pretty close to effortless...because long term, you need someone who you mesh well with- or in 5-20 years...over the course of your lives when external things aren't going well or make the relationship harder (ex: having children, a parent dying, job loss, infertility, sickness) you need to pull together instead of apart during the struggles.

 

As for friends...I guess I'm lucky. My friends don't really say much about my partners. They have said they really like my current bf. They never said anything about my ex until we had broken up for the 17th time...then they said, "hey, maybe he's not great for you."...and by the 29th break up they started telling me they hated him. Fair enough lol.

 

But if your friends aren't being supportive of your breakups...who cares? I mean, they aren't in the relationship, right? I know I've liked some of the guys my friends have broken up with- and I've thought "too bad, he added a neat dynamic to things. I'll miss him." But it ends there, because...I want my friend to be happy. You might have to tell your friends they're supposed to support you....some people don't always get how to be a good friend.

[Seymore]

Thanks all. I guess I DID take the comment to heart a bit too much. Then I ended up looking online about fear of commitment and found "sure signs you're afraid of commitment!" and some of them were presented in such a black and white fashion that I started doubting myself. For example: "Do you have a plan for your relationship?" Well, yeah I did - maybe marriage down the road, but some issues weren't being addressed so sure, I was hesitant to even make a solid timeframe for marriage - first things first. I wouldn't call that fear of commitment.

 

If I tried talking to my ex while she was drunk and/or being extremely irrational and nasty, it got me nowhere. I'd tell her I was going home and to figure her stuff out. She'd always accuse me of "running away" from my problems. Stuff like that and the fear of commitment comment kinda got in my head.

[annie24]

I think you need to stop listening to these people because they obviously don't know the really serious issues you had with your ex-gf (her drinking and abuse). I mean, you needed to leave. I don't know why you have so many people telling you to get back together, like Sophie asked, maybe your ex spread lots of rumors around?? I completely agree with Sophie's post - I think of "fear of commitment" when I see people breaking up for really superficial reasons but not what you have described in previous threads.

[browneyedgirl36]

Or because they have low self-esteem and think they "deserve" the way they're treated. Or because the interactions they saw as a child gave them a tragically skewed view of relationships.

 

I think just because someone from the outside says "you have a fear of commitment" doesn't necessarily mean you have a fear of commitment.

 

Agreed. People stay in bad relationships for a number of reasons -- I know I had some reasons that, in hindsight, were not good ones at all, but they were tied to childhood experiences (bullying, etc.) that made me doubt myself and my value.

 

What would this woman have had to do for these so-called "friends" of yours to give you their "permission" to leave her -- beat you with a cast iron skillet??? My theory about a lot of these folks who advise others to stay in terrible and/or abusive relationships is that they either 1) Can't find anyone themselves and think ANY relationship is better than no relationship; or 2) Are in bad relationships themselves but too afraid/desperate/whatever to leave, so they want others to do the same to justify their choices.

 

Seymore, I'll give you some advice that one of my professors at school once gave me when I told him that people were flooding me with "advice" about my schooling, career choice, future, etc. : "Don't listen to any of them. Listen to yourself. You know the right thing to do." I had never felt so validated in my entire life as I did in that professor's office all those years ago. So, I'll tell you the same thing: Listen to yourself. You know the right thing to do.

 

My advice to you? Start surrounding yourself with more positive, healthy people, even if that means cutting people off. And, perhaps some therapy (which I think you may have already had, but more never hurts), to help you figure out why you have a pattern of getting involved with abusive/unstable women. That's no way to live, my friend. You can do better.

[ParisPaulette]

I think that person or persons is projecting on you their own fears and very wrong ideas about relationships. Your only response to such idiocy is "Well, I can't build a relationship if it only goes one way any more than one can build a one-way street and expect it to be a highway."

 

I'm also betting the person who said that was put up to it by your ex. And you have to take a look at the types of people you are hanging around too, because that is the most Fed up thing I ever heard of. I worked in a women's shelter for years, trust me the people fleeing those relationships were NOT commitment-phobes. They should have been, it would have been so much better if they had been, but nope. My experience has been those in abusive relationships only leave after they have tried everything and gotten nowhere and it finally dawns on them that's all that's left if they want their sanity and/or life saved.

 

So you chose life, so what. The problem isn't that you can't or won't commit, it's that you do commit full on but to the wrong types of people.

 

Take this person(s) words and toss them in the trash. A relationship only works if both people in it are willing to work together. Anything else and you see what you see on this forum from those who stay wayyyy longer than they typically should have. They aren't commitment phobes, they are finally being smart. So you got smart, good for you. One less statistic on abusive relationships, hooray.I personally think that deserves a toast and a brass band to you, sir. Not a mealy criticism from some moron who would rather armchair quarterback what other people should do instead of maybe tending to their own relationships instead.

 

That said though you mention you've been in abusive relationships before. THAT is worrying in that you don't bail the minute you see there are serious red flags going on. And I remember your ex, yeah that ship sailed a long time before you pulled the plug--scared to commit my arse. Too much the opposite actually, you commit to people you shouldn't commit to. And that's what you need to address.

 

You need to be more selective about the people you have in your life period, both friends and partners. My family and friends would be throwing you a party every night for getting free of the train wreck, not trying to make you feel bad for not wanting to stay with an abusive alcoholic. Focus on healing yourself, get some counseling to address why you do commit to bad people in the first place, address that. You can fully commit to the right person, a good person who believes in give and take, but that takes you getting emotionally healthy and surrounding your life with good people.

 

You don't have commitment issues at all. Just people around you who are idiots.

[Seymore]

Thanks. I know deep down I did the right thing. There really was nothing more I could do aside from just take the crap, and that got me nowhere.

 

I haven't seen a therapist yet. This is going to sound ridiculous but my mother has been in therapy, and she makes everything about me and my brother's lives. She told the therapist about my situation and even having told him what little she knew, he said I did the right thing and it was toxic. I don't know what it's going to take but I need to take a bit more stock in my own opinion of myself. I'm not a commitment phobe. And I deserve better.

[catfeeder]

Since nobody else is living our love lives for us, nobody else gets a vote. It's not a democracy.

 

Who are these people who would say such a thing to you?

[Blue_Skirt]

Thanks. I know deep down I did the right thing. There really was nothing more I could do aside from just take the crap, and that got me nowhere.

And I deserve better.

Seymore, I have not followed your story on here, so I can’t comment. But if you know for yourself that you did the right thing, it WAS the right thing. If you think you deserve better, you DESERVE BETTER.

Don’t live your life for others. Whatever you do, there will always be people who agree with you and people who disagree with you, so who cares. Have your own values and live by them.

[Seymore]

Since nobody else is living our love lives for us, nobody else gets a vote. It's not a democracy.

 

Who are these people who would say such a thing to you?

 

Well the one who said I had a fear of commitment was a friend of the ex, and my ex had always said I was running away from problems if I got sick of her crap for the night, after trying to reason and talk like adults with her, and decided to go home.

 

That spurred it, but what made that idea grow in my head was when I read a few articles online about "are you a commitmentphobe" and things of the sort. It seemed like a lot of them had the mentality of "yes you are if you don't stick it out - after all, no relationship is perfect and they all have their issues!"

 

I guess it just really irked me and caused me a lot of self doubt.

[catfeeder]

Well the one who said I had a fear of commitment was a friend of the ex, and my ex had always said I was running away from problems if I got sick of her crap for the night, after trying to reason and talk like adults with her, and decided to go home.

 

That spurred it, but what made that idea grow in my head was when I read a few articles online about "are you a commitmentphobe" and things of the sort. It seemed like a lot of them had the mentality of "yes you are if you don't stick it out - after all, no relationship is perfect and they all have their issues!"

 

I guess it just really irked me and caused me a lot of self doubt.

 

So one idiot who's biased toward your ex flipped your switch?

 

Most people are not our match. Most young people don't grasp that, and they make the mistake of trying to turn wrong matches into right ones. Then they read selective stuff written for committed married couples about the ills of not holding up their end of that commitment, and they run all kind of head spins on themselves to create useless and unnecessary guilt.

 

We're each entitled to try out different relationships to see if they work, and hopefully we get better and better at learning how to screen the people we'll attempt that with. Meanwhile, it's all good provided that we're actually learning useful things along the way instead of using the experiences to beat ourselves up and knock ourselves down.

 

Everyone's ultimate life goal is to learn who we are, what we want, and how to fulfill that. The better we learn this, the more 'self actualized (look up)' we become, and the more capable we are of meeting the needs of others, including those we've identified as good and healthy matches for ourselves.

 

If we distract ourselves by imposing arbitrary 'shoulds' to meet needs of others before we're capable, we create useless spins that teach us nothing but how to feel lousy and inadequate--and possibly how to pull ourselves out of that. Sure, climbing out of that pit is a useful skill that can build confidence and resiliency, but the better skill to learn is how to avoid jumping onto that misery-go-round in the first place.

 

Trust and respect that ex's peeps will be on her side. Skip the need to people-please, and this will liberate you to enjoy looking forward rather than fretting about the past.

 

Head high.

[Seymore]

You're right. I can't make any and everything work.

 

Funny you mention her side. I just received a text from an 11 year old mutual friend of ours. I was his best friend and somewhat of a mentor. He said he misses me and is sorry about what happened, and hopes I come back to class. I explained that I can't be around my ex, who is in thst school, but I think about him a lot and hope he's ok.