HELP! I think he may break up with me...

[reinventmyself]

Pretty much everyone has challenged this living arrangement. Mhowe was first.

 

And she did a great thing by moving out and moving back with her dad.

 

So, now is to try to get some space and figure out what she needs to do next.

I caught that she glossed over it and insists that it's not relevant and most would let it go

I too am glad to see her making some productive decisions.

[notalady]

I thought OP's explanation for her living arrangement to make reasonable sense. Whether everyone else would've made the same choice or agree with that choice is irrelevant.

 

OP, please don't feel like you need to explain your life choices to others. I think you have a good head on your shoulders and obviously very smart to be doing a physics degree.

 

As for the boyfriend, yes go to dinner and have fun, see what happens. His message about having doubts and wanting to break up shouldn't be brushed off however. As things develop, if you are staying together/getting back together, I would discuss those doubts more. People go under stress (work, study etc) all the time, they don't just want to break up because of it. I wouldn't let it go that easy.

 

P.S. I thought it's cute that you and your daughter do your homeworks together

[abitbroken]

I get that we are not with you everyday so don't know how things really go down, but it seems that whenever you disagree with us, you bring out more information to try to prove us wrong (that you were really moving your daughter in a few months and finding your own place rather than the apparent truth of you playing house. If you were looking for a place for you and your daughter, you wouldn't be moving home - you would have found a place or if you hadn't moved in yet and things were getting tense, there would be an end in sight (you would have a moving date planned that had nothing to do with the health of the relationship). It just really feels like you were centered around him and smothering instead of being just as busy getting yourself in order.

 

You may feel its all moot - but your plan was based around a guy - which could happen again - rather than deciding that your plans are your plans regardless and you find 3 girls looking for a temporary 4th roomie while one roomie is on their semester abroad or whatever.

 

Honestly, I was moved umpteen times and my parents never moved anywhere for months to acclimate themselves, to find playgroups, etc, all they knew is the name of the school nearby from the phone book and the moving truck pulled up. We had no idea if there were brownie troops, Mommy and Me classes, or even if we would like our new place. There was no acclimation for anyone or gradual process. In other words, you either intend to move or you don't.

[j.man]

It looks to me like a trend of dependency, whether it be on family or the boyfriend. Being offered a reprieve doesn't mean milk it for all it's worth. Parents themselves struggle with children who do that, so you can only imagine how much of a fallout there could be with a boyfriend of less than a year.

 

Should the guy have offered if he ultimately wasn't OK with you taking advantage of the opportunity? Probably not. But sometimes we all have dumb ideas. "She's a single mother, I like her, I want her to have a better opportunity through schooling... sure! Two grown adults in a one-room studio can't be that bad." Well, it was.

 

There's a fine line between accepting help and depending on it. Very few healthy people in the world enjoy adults depending on them.

[Fudgie]

I agree with j.man that it's likely that he got caught up in the newness and excitement of a new relationship and invited you to stay at his place while you went to school. Whether he meant "once in a while, when you go to school" or "come live with me for good", it doesn't really matter now because it seems that it wasn't working out now. He got overwhelmed, felt smothered, but because he has a history of pisspoor communication, he couldn't talk to you directly about this.

 

I'm glad you've moved out. I would keep it to a dating relationship for now. I don't think you guys are ready to move in together yet because of his communication issues and everything that you two have going on. The fact that you two were crammed into one studio apartment together just made everything worse. My boyfriend is an excellent communicator, very direct and to the point and asks hard questions, but the idea of living in a studio with him makes my skin crawl. It's just too much for anyone.

[trezeralietas]

 

I don't think many people truly understand the inner turmoil this is causing me. I think people are forgetting that one big factor. Moving out isn't what hurts that bad. Taking space to ourselves isn't what hurts. I'm totally fine with having space as long as there's a reciprocation in still wanting to be together.

 

This isn't a typical case of him needing space to think and study. It's, he needs space to think, study and OPENLY RETHINK whether or not he'll leave me.

 

I'm still so confused. I know he loves me, I know he wants to find a way for us to work out - but I don't know why that's so difficult for him right now when I'm so willing to do whatever it takes I just need some sort of reassurance that he's on board too.

 

He is on board...with thinking about things.

 

You're trying to force him to go ahead and make a commitment to stay in this relationship and work on it when he's asking for the space to consider that very thing. Does he want to stay? Is it worth it? There are clearly some doubts there for him. You're trying to invalidate those doubts by saying "You take your space--but only use it to study--not contemplate the future of our relationship. You're not allowed to take space and consider leaving me."

 

Unfortunately, I think most of us do truly understand the inner turmoil you're going through. Also, quite unfortunately, it's probably because most of us were in relationships that weren't a good fit and we did all the same things as you trying to force it. I know that I have most certainly been in your situation. Worrying, over-analyzing, talking it to death, always taking his temperature and asking how he's feeling, and jumping every time he ways he has a free moment is going to kill this relationship.

 

I wish it was as easy as saying go out and get yourself busy with other things, but I know how excruciating the position you are in is. It's far easier said than done. I know now, having been there before, that focusing on yourself is the best, most healthy thing you can do for you and this relationship, but it's hard to see that when you're in the midst of it.

[eldasensei]

I've been where you are now before. I unconsciously forced her to make a decision. My feelings were intense and my vision was only black and white in the mids of it. Now offcourse after the infatuation and heartbreak wore off its now rainbow, sunshine with some tulips. I have more control over myself. My mind, focus, day and happiness revolves a lot more around myself. But forcing her in the mids of it made matters worse. I'm guessing it made her a lot more uncomfortable and I suffocated her towards a way out.

 

What I'm telling you now sounds logical but when a person is in full of emotions it is understandable that your thoughts and behaviour are likely to become illogical. I bet you would be able to give me full and logical advice if I were in your position because it revolves around me not you. What I am trying to tell you is, don't be ashamed of how you are handling things right now and that there is nothing wrong with you. What you are going through in your situation is perfectly normal. But use this situation as an oppertunity to become a better person geared not just for this moment but towards your future. It's great how you're asking for advice and considering it. You don't realise it now, understandable. But you are learning a lot and I have a feeling you can get through this.

[WithLove]

Just wondering how you're holding up, MissSmith.

[misssmithviii]

Thank you for all the posts... I really do appreciate the feedback.

 

Since the fall out, we've maintained contact, and I've continued my job up in Santa Barbara. We've been mostly doing well, but I can tell there's still some underlying issues. Mostly though, he's sure that he wants it to work out. It took him only a few days with me gone to say that he had time to think about it and wants this to work.

 

When we talked about it, he said that he was just feeling so overwhelmed that he couldn't really handle any pressure at all. And I actually talked to his mom during this time, and she vented to ME about how he's done the same to everyone else in his life... especially when he went to war in Iraq. He tends to shut people out when he feels pressured by them... even if the pressure isn't coming from them directly, but if it's even an indirect pressure to either resolve something or talk about something... if he feels that he's done wrong, he has a very difficult time really coming to terms with it and facing it in front of the people who he's wronged in any way.

 

For instance, we had a trip planned a few months ago to see his grandparents in Florida. He told me we were canceling plans so he could study/relax, and I was okay with that of course; but he neglected to tell anybody else for fear of disappointing them... So there his family was, waiting for him at the airport with no communication that he had cancelled... This happened around the same time school was beginning to become stressful for him..

 

He has a lot of growing up to do in that regard I think. I hate to say it, and it's very critical of me to do so, but he is most certainly lacking in self-awareness and has an exorbitant amount of prideful shame (if that makes any sense) with regards to disappointing or letting anyone down.

 

It's something his mom told me to be careful of. She said that although he's got a big heart and loves, cares and thinks about others... sometimes, due to his injury from explosives that caused him to have some issues with memory, he tends to forget, and then become ashamed of forgetting, and then becomes avoidant of the responsibility.

 

I think this is a a definite flag I need to be aware of... I'm keeping my distance in some ways, but pursuing the relationship because as a whole, we are incredibly well suited for one another.

 

Do I think it will last? I think it's conditional on his ability to learn to let go of some of his pride. How long will I wait for that? I don't rightly know.

 

All I know is that when he's wrong, he's sad, ashamed and avoidant. And it takes awhile for him to come around to admit it, but he does in his own time.

 

I don't necessarily believe it's the sort of thing I can help with, so I'm trying to self-reflect a bit here, and ask myself if this is the kind of flaw I can really deal with. I have my own flaws, I know that for certain, as we all do... but it's a matter of if his short comings align with my strengths and vice versa.

 

My weakness is that I need a very understanding line of communication during stressful times, and my strength is being able to listen and admit when I'm wrong. His weakness is communicating during stressful times and really needing some serious space, and his strength is being able to eventually listen and admit when he's wrong. It's confusing for me... so I'm kind of letting this play out for awhile.

 

Other than this issue, we're fantastic. He's thoughtful and kind, generous and loving. I come home after a long shift, a hard day, and still find the time for laundry and dishes, and he comes to me with a massage and dinner... or sometimes it's the other way around but either way, on the day to day basis we're truly a wonderful couple - and that's the reason I'm sticking it through.

 

It's just the way things have progressed when we're not 100% that's gotten me worried. After all, most people break up over a lot of little things, and a lot of people can't work past their dynamic during stressful times/arguments.

 

 

 

 

I think it's imperative we find a way to communicate in the heat of the moment otherwise, it won't work out. A friend suggested that we come up with de-escalator terms; objective things like "yellow light" or "code green" to effectively tell the other person without getting into some long, drawn out exhausting conversation, that we're feeling a certain way. Maybe like, when I come off argumentative or something he could say "yellow" and I would get the hint that I need to think about my tone and communicate if I'm feeling a certain way that might make him feel defensive.

 

I think that's something we'll talk about tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

 

Thoughts?

[Ms Darcy]

Glad to hear from you. I think it's interesting that you consider the relationship great when the communication is so off. Outside of mutual commitment, care, courage, trust, and respect, I think communication is the most important factor in a healthy, long-lasting relationship.

 

I do think you have fundamentally different communication styles in times of stress. Generally, that's known as incompatibility. You seem to want to work on that ... but always remember it takes two.

 

I'd still suggest trying to cut down on the talking a bit and just having a full life where you see each other sometimes (and hopefully creating a lot of happy feelings and experiences with each other.)

[catfeeder]

Glad to hear that things are going well.

 

My weakness is that I need a very understanding line of communication during stressful times, and my strength is being able to listen and admit when I'm wrong. His weakness is communicating during stressful times and really needing some serious space, and his strength is being able to eventually listen and admit when he's wrong. It's confusing for me... so I'm kind of letting this play out for awhile.

 

This is good, you recognize the gap being that he needs time and space to reflect before communicating, while you need communication during that time. So it comes down to capabilities--whether either of you would be capable of viewing your particular 'need' at any given moment to be a negotiable 'preference' instead.

 

The thing is, we can only control ourselves--not an other. If you press him to communicate when he doesn't feel capable, how can that bring you the 'understanding line of communication' you seek? On the other hand, if you're capable of allowing him the time and space to decompress, might that eventually bring you both to common ground?

 

So if he gives you the code word warning you've proposed, what do you believe you can do with it?

[WithLove]

The biggest issue is that your weakness is the same as his, and you're willing to work on yours, but what has he done to work on his? I think you have too many talks and not enough actions.

 

I like the code word idea, but honestly, I think it's too little too late. Sorry if this is harsh and makes you sad - I just feel like you've been putting months and months of everything you have into this and he's just not giving you what you need.

[Fudgie]

How does he feel about using a code word? Has he said anything to you about improving the quality of the communication between you? I definitely feel that you're willing to work on this. I am just trying to figure out if he is as well.

[abitbroken]

And I actually talked to his mom during this time, and she vented to ME about how he's done the same to everyone else in his life... especially when he went to war in Iraq. He tends to shut people out when he feels pressured by them...

 

If he shuts people out when he feels pressure - maybe review what makes you pressure him rather than try to analyze his responses or decide that its really about his inappropriate response rather than what you are doing. So, he doesn't want to play house with you. Its way too much pressure and too soon to "take care of you" and act like a married or a deeply committed couple. And plus you have a kid, right? If I am remembering correctly (i hadn't scrolled back). That's a ton of pressure for a college student. I would even lift my head up and say "wait, how did I get this far in. Whoa."

 

Your communication styles might also be so different that you guys could not be a match vs he having a flaw.

 

Also, you should handle your relationship between just you and him. No triangulation. No referees. Getting mom as an ally will work against you big time as far as emotional intimacy and more. If you need to enlist family members in order to attempt to manipulate someones feelings or get insight into them - I would back away. The only time I think its appropriate is if there is a severe issue - like a drug problem and you are all working together to make sure the lines of communication are open and everyone is a united front and not enabling the person or undermining the tough love - but only if you were his WIFE.

 

Anyway, I don't think its a matter of you being self aware and working on things and he is not - the whole situation is a lot of pressure in his eyes and you both need to slow way the heck down.

 

Can you handle just living your life, focusing on your child and if you happen to be asked out on occasion, etc, you are okay with that, and going at a slower pace? Can you honestly not expect constant communication? And if you do have a fair amount of communication, are you okay with it not being always more than "how as your day" ie, not expecting deep sharing and "what he is thinking" at every turn?

 

I would focus on getting my life together and not worrying about him as much. If it were me, I would break things off. If he "wants to work on things" - have some time away and get your act together, too rather than clinging on.

[misssmithviii]

How does he feel about using a code word? Has he said anything to you about improving the quality of the communication between you? I definitely feel that you're willing to work on this. I am just trying to figure out if he is as well.

 

 

He loves the idea of a code word. When we talked, we boiled a lot of the communication issues down to misunderstandings that escalate, mostly because he's stubborn and I'm sensitive. He admits to being a bit insecure as well.

 

As my friend said, talking about it heart-to-heart is great and all, but it's all about how it works in practice.

 

I have no delusions that communication isn't important - I wouldn't be making such a big deal out of it if it weren't. He realizes this and in fact, he said something the other day that really stuck with me. He feels like when he realizes he's at fault, when he's disappointed me or made me sad or hurt me, something "switches" in him and he feels incredibly insecure, and feels like I'll leave, and then shuts down until I come to HIM with understanding and whatever it takes to make him feel secure again and then he can talk.

 

Oh, and I'm not enlisting his family. I was talking to his mom, who adores me and she gave me great advice, and didn't mention it to anybody else because... she's an intelligent middle-aged woman who's supportive to us both.

 

 

I love this man, and if the communication can't improve then we'll walk away from this relationship. It's difficult when everything else in the relationship is so fantastic and amazing and I know most of you at least understand that.