Fudgie Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 You know, even if he did a 180 here and asked you stay, I still don't think it's a good idea for you to stay. You're in a cramped studio with a man who can't communicate directly. I actually find it a bad sign that when you two talked about moving in and you were expressing hesitation, he placated you with affection. Clearly, this man has a problem with direct communication, especially when it's uncomfortable. Even if this situation resolves within the next couple days, something is bound to come up again. I don't see what waiting around will do at this point. I think you're a nice woman and care about him, but from the sounds of it, I think you will struggle to keep cool around him, and what's the point anyway....it's not a healthy living situation even if it was all happy. 2 people should not be confined to a single room for a living quarters. This isn't good for either of you. I would take your friend up on his offer to loan you gas money. Get out, go to your dad's, and make yourself comfortable, and take it from there. Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 He is giving you mixed messages. But which one are you going to act on? Stay or leave? I would at least create some distance (by going home for a night or two) and see if it doesn't change the dynamic. Clearly what you are doing isn't working. If you want to save this relationship you need to do something different. Yeah, definitely a lot of mixed messages here. I've so far been acting on the "stay" message. I think, honestly... I fear what acting on the "leave" message might mean... I'll admit that. A lot of it is fear. But now I'm gaining fear over staying... like I'm indirectly smothering him by my presence, despite him being vocal about staying. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 If he doesn't want to break up and really just wants me to move back to my dad's, then why did he even ask me to stay? I told him that moving back to my dad's didn't mean breaking up, but that's how he feels about it. Then do something, anything. You have given him all the power. Based on what you've described I would feel so uncomfortable I would choose space over that. Not to be confused with breaking up. It's just space. Even if it's for a day. Why is that so hard for you. I think you are afraid if you aren't in close vicinity hovering that it might disappear. Make a decision in your own best welfare and not dependent on what he will or will not do. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Yeah, definitely a lot of mixed messages here. I've so far been acting on the "stay" message. I think, honestly... I fear what acting on the "leave" message might mean... I'll admit that. A lot of it is fear. But now I'm gaining fear over staying... like I'm indirectly smothering him by my presence, despite him being vocal about staying. There is nothing indirect about it. The two of you living in one room IS smothering. Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 I agree, I really do. So far, I think Saturday, my first day at work will be the day I move out. I told him I would stay a few more days at his request, but you're right... this is highly uncomfortable for me, and probably only makes me look less appealing. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I think you are afraid if you aren't in close vicinity hovering that it might disappear. OP, how do you feel about this statement? Does it resonate with you? When I moved into a studio my ex, I knew it wasn't ideal at all. I think it would have caused a lot more issues had we not been working opposite shifts. Do you find that you have trouble with giving space? Or rather, the idea of space is uncomfortable to you in a relationship? Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 The common denominators here are space and/or togetherness So you can probably rule out other things for the sake of argument. He is uncomfortable with that denominator, so if you are currently together and that's not working, then the next likely move would be to create space and then see if the discomfort changes. Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 OP, how do you feel about this statement? Does it resonate with you? When I moved into a studio my ex, I knew it wasn't ideal at all. I think it would have caused a lot more issues had we not been working opposite shifts. Do you find that you have trouble with giving space? Or rather, the idea of space is uncomfortable to you in a relationship? Ya know I've definitely improved over the years and throughout experience. I used to hate space in a relationship, but I've learned to embrace it as long as there's some sort of a promise or expectation that it's not permanent - HELLO ABANDONMENT ISSUES > So my thing has always been, I'll give space, space to cool off and then we'll revisit it. But there's no promise of that here... it's just "I don't know"'s and "I'm seriously considering breaking this off but I want you to stay until then" ugh... Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 He got home early and just asked me where I'm going, I just said I'm going out for a little. I don't want him to think I'm avoiding him, but I also don't want to be here while he ignores my existence. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I think he doesn't want to break up, but he doesn't want you bugging him about "quality time" either. So, he wants you the way HE wants you. Sitting there smiling silently while he plays a game on his phone. Kind of like how I want to eat coffee cake and potato chips but not gain any weight. Kind of unrealistic, no? I gotta love the way he pulls out an "I love you" every time you get upset. Like he read somewhere that when a woman's upset, just say "I love you" and she'll shut up and be happy. I presume you two are still having sex? Big time motivator for him wanting you to stay if you are. I agree with the moving back home plan. If he takes it as you breaking up with him, you could explain you aren't...if he still chooses to see it that way, that's not your fault. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Ya know I've definitely improved over the years and throughout experience. I used to hate space in a relationship, but I've learned to embrace it as long as there's some sort of a promise or expectation that it's not permanent - HELLO ABANDONMENT ISSUES > So my thing has always been, I'll give space, space to cool off and then we'll revisit it. But there's no promise of that here... it's just "I don't know"'s and "I'm seriously considering breaking this off but I want you to stay until then" ugh... Well, there are no guarantees. You know that. And I have this picture of you teetering on a wall, waiting for him to knock you off one way or another. I would not allow myself to be in that position. You can't control his actions for feelings. But you do have control over what you can do next. Don't just sit there, shivering on that wall. . do something. Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 The last time we had sex a few days ago didn't go well, we had a misunderstanding and ended the sex. I don't think that's a cause, but more of an effect of how he's been feeling. Yeah, he used to be more willing to converse but then it suddenly turned into "I love you" and that's it. No talks about resolution. Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 Well, there are no guarantees. You know that. And I have this picture of you teetering on a wall, waiting for him to knock you off one way or another. I would not allow myself to be in that position. You can't control his actions for feelings. But you do have control over what you can do next. Don't just sit there, shivering on that wall. . do something. Do you mean do something now, like today or tomorrow rather than Saturday? I can't figure what you mean by do something, because I don't quite know what "something" you mean - everybody on here has been saying I really can't do anything to help the situation except by leaving so do you mean leave like... now? Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Because there is no resolution except for you volunteering to move home and only visit on the weekends. All the rest is stalling and smothering and 2 many people in a room. Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 Because there is no resolution except for you volunteering to move home and only visit on the weekends. All the rest is stalling and smothering and 2 many people in a room. No I get that. I volunteered this morning, he said to wait a few days. I made the decision for that to be Saturday, but what I'm asking is do you mean sooner. Do you mean disregard his request for me to stick around and leave now? Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Do you mean do something now, like today or tomorrow rather than Saturday? I can't figure what you mean by do something, because I don't quite know what "something" you mean - everybody on here has been saying I really can't do anything to help the situation except by leaving so do you mean leave like... now? Do you have any friends? Outside interests? I get you are in between jobs but can you do anything other than sit and spin over what he may or may not do? 'leave' or 'go home' to you feels like an all or nothing proposition. Again. . It's no wonder he may be afraid to carve out a little piece of space for the fear you may think it's over. Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 Do you have any friends? Outside interests? I get you are in between jobs but can you do anything other than sit and spin over what he may or may not do? 'leave' or 'go home' to you feels like an all or nothing proposition. Again. . It's no wonder he may be afraid to carve out a little piece of space for the fear you may think it's over. I'm actually going out right now to talk to a friend, while my bf... Geoff, is out diving after school. I think I may leave tomorrow... Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Ya know I've definitely improved over the years and throughout experience. I used to hate space in a relationship, but I've learned to embrace it as long as there's some sort of a promise or expectation that it's not permanent - HELLO ABANDONMENT ISSUES > I agree, definitely abandonment issues there. I think you want to stay and want him to come back and beg you to stay, and that's why you are reluctant to leave of your own accord. Space is not always a bad thing. I think you think it is. Be honest, do you feel uneasy with the idea of him going out, not talking to you that much for long stretches of time, etc. You are so focused on quality time with him, his attention undivided on you, having him go on a walk with you everyday, that it's just smothering. It's just a lot. He's feeling smothered but doesn't know how to say that. I think you are better than you are but it seems that you still view space, even space in terms of divided attention, as a wholly bad thing. And it's not. 2 people living together in a studio is not healthy. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I'm actually going out right now to talk to a friend, while my bf... Geoff, is out diving after school. I think I may leave tomorrow... And it may be telling that she is finally going out "while my bf... Geoff, is out diving after school" I can't help but wonder if she would chose to go out if he was staying home. Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 And it may be telling that she is finally going out "while my bf... Geoff, is out diving after school" I can't help but wonder if she would chose to go out if he was staying home. Yeah I actually had plans with my friend since this morning to hang out - Geoff actually left to go diving like 10 minutes after arriving home and seeing me ready to go out. Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 I think he may have contacted his ex... But I'm not sure. I went to my Maps app on my phone (and he uses my phone every now and then) and a recent directions search came up with a house in deep LA - idk if his ex lives at that place, but I know she lives somewhere in LA and goes to school nearby that location... I don't want to hang around for bs... So I texted asking, just curious but what's at [address], tell me that's not [his ex]. If it isn't, must be a mistake. What's weird is why he'd use my phone for directions unless he didn't think it'd show up. This is a legitimate concern for me so pressure out the window, I just need a straight answer yes or no, I'll believe him. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 No I get that. I volunteered this morning, he said to wait a few days. I made the decision for that to be Saturday, but what I'm asking is do you mean sooner. Do you mean disregard his request for me to stick around and leave now? Yes, yes, and yes. Ask your friend for gas money if you need to. Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 My suspicions weren't verified so that's a thankful false alarm. I just asked directly and he answered no so idk what happened but it was a mistake phew Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 You just really need to move back to your dads and focus on your life, a job and your kid. Link to comment
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