HELP! I think he may break up with me...

[Ms Darcy]

I think you are hovering and fishing. That walk represents the gulf between you. While he's fine with silence, you are burning up inside. And you cannot help but get emotional as you feel in limbo.

 

I will clarify my recommendation. I wouldn't be staying at his place. I would spend the nights with your dad. I would wait until the weekend to initiate a talk. The talk would be about your relationship and how you both are feeling.

 

I personally would just approach letting him know that you are spending the night with your dad very simply. You want to respect his needs and to do that you need space as well.

 

The whole "staying at your dad's is breaking up" is garbage. It's a manipulative gesture to scare you into status quo. Just be calm and firm that it's not a break up and that spending the night all the time won't allow you to give him space. Then request a night to talk this weekend.

[mhowe]

I'll move back down to my dad's house and say the last things I need to say....

 

Well, the reason he views you moving back to your dads as breaking up is because YOU do as well. No one is saying break up with him. They are saying stop living with him and give him some space.

[misssmithviii]

This morning I started to have a little talk with him. It started off well enough, the gist of it was me saying I was going to spend nights with my dad and he said to just give him more time. I couldn't exactly figure out what that meant really... but during the conversation, it flowed rather nicely actually and wasn't forced, I kind of just put it out there and said, "I know you're taking the time to consider all this, and I know you care deeply for me,"

 

to which he interrupted, "of course I do... I love you"

 

I continued, "I know this is hard for you, you don't want to hurt me, so just know that I do want what's best for you, so despite what I have to say about it [he knows I believe we can work this out so I felt that went without saying], whatever you decide I won't hate you for it."

 

He smiled and said, "I love you so much... I just need some more time to think it over. A few more days."

 

I said, "Okay then, a few more days."

 

He doesn't want me to leave, and I don't know why. I don't want to leave if he doesn't want me to... but I'm still concerned that it's the best thing to do.

 

My friend told me that I should create my own timeline, because I need to be aware of my own limitations.

I'll stay till the weekend, but if the weekend comes and he doesn't know still, I'll take that initiative to stay at my dad's and wait only a week more for a response while I give him no contact.

[lilypadgirl]

Hmm, here's my take on it and no offense is intended.

 

You're making this all about you. And I get it - as Darcy said, when you feel in limbo it's hard not to be emotional and dissect every signal (real or not). But I've been in your bf's situation - so stressed out with school/work. It's not that he doesn't love you or doesn't care for you. It's not even that you are not his priority. You probably are his priority and he seems to want to make it work and reluctant to let you go.

 

It's that AT THIS MOMENT, there are circumstances in his life (namely school stress) that is so overwhelming that he is in survival mode. That means AT THIS MOMENT, he needs to figure out a way just to make it through the day/semester. So you need to be more supportive and think about his perspective. You're waiting for him to make a decision and he is dragging his feet.

 

Why? Because he doesn't really want to make a decision. He's got so much stress going on, the last thing he wants is to make a decision that up-heaves his life. So instead of waiting for his decision, you need to be the supportive and proactive one. Take the advice on here and make the decision for him. That you will spend more time with at your dad's with your daughter during the week and spend quality time with him over the weekend or weekdays when his work load is lighter. Reassure him that it's not breaking up because you understand his stress and pressure and this is just a way for you guys to survive the school year until things feel more stable on his end. This way he will feel that you understand him and it's not just you reacting out of hurt or trying to distance yourself.

 

Stop asking him how he feels or what to do. He doesn't need that pressure right now. I know you're asking from a place of uncertainty and you deserve the certainty. It's just that to him, that's all just additional stress right now. He needs down times - like playing his game or taking a quiet walk. Don't use those as opportunities to talk about the relationship. Just be there with him. Even if it's quiet. Just be there for him when he needs it and be a calming presence for him.

 

I'm not saying to put his needs before yours or that your emotional needs are less important than his. That's not the takeaway here at all. I'm just saying that there's a time and place. There will be certain times in the relationship when his needs come first and other times when yours. Right now, it just seems like his needs need to come first for a little while until things stablize.

 

Good luck and hugs.

[misssmithviii]

I feel bad for pressuring him, I don't want to pressure him any longer. It's just very difficult to be under the same roof as somebody while they decide if you're worth staying with... it feels terrible.

 

You're right, I regret talking to him this morning. While I regret it, it did give me insight into how he's feeling I think because I could see it in his eyes and in the painful expression he had on his face when he said he's still confused about it all, and doesn't know what to do, and therefore needs more time.

 

 

 

My friend told me this morning when I called her after he left - and he left without saying bye or anything, just walked out the door [that sucked] - that she thinks the same thing, he's too stressed and feels like he can't really make a decision right now. She said that since I agreed to stay for a few more days, that I stick to that and just basically act like roommates but make myself less available.

 

Her advice was to be receptive if he approaches me, but not to approach him. Am I supposed to act totally normal? That's what I don't get, for these couple days I'm here - am I supposed to smile and act like everything's alright?

 

He's in school all day today and has a lot of work to do tonight. And tomorrow he has classes from 1p-3p so he has a bit more time.

I'm thinking that tomorrow I'll go down to my dad's area, maybe see if I can hang out with some friends during the day while my daughter's at school.

[reinventmyself]

How does this all make you feel?

You are in his home and not feeling very welcomed I imagine. That can't feel very good. So why are you continuing to go there?

 

You have your own place to go yet continue to go your bf's home, who is in turn asking for space and freezing you out.

 

From what you've shared, he doesn't want to break up but he likely wants you to return to your home.

You are sort of suedo living together and probably should go back to dating. .where you both have separate homes but stay the night once in a while, as a guest.

 

I would make the decision to go back to your dad's house, not so much for his benefit, but for yours and the benefit of this relationship.

[misssmithviii]

How does this all make you feel?

You are in his home and not feeling very welcomed I imagine. That can't feel very good. So why are you continuing to go there?

 

You have your own place to go yet continue to go your bf's home, who is in turn asking for space and freezing you out.

 

From what you've shared, he doesn't want to break up but he likely wants you to return to your home.

You are sort of suedo living together and probably should go back to dating. .where you both have separate homes but stay the night once in a while, as a guest.

 

I would make the decision to go back to your dad's house, not so much for his benefit, but for yours and the benefit of this relationship.

 

All of this makes me feel, in a word: confused.

 

He looked heart broken when he thought I was breaking up with him by leaving. But when I came back after having some time to cool off, not 10 minutes later, he was stuck on this feeling that I had left him and it seemed to trigger this idea in him that this is my doing. He looks genuinely hurt, but doesn't know if staying with me is wise.

 

I take responsibility for my actions, I've apologized, and left the proverbial ball in his court. However, in doing so, I'm left feeling terribly unwanted.

 

It's painful to live with someone who says they love you, but isn't sure if you're worth staying with. I mean, there's nothing I can do.

It's that whole, "nothing you can do about it" thing that's really difficult for me. It's a difficult emotion to manage, I'll admit.

I'm usually the "doer" in my life. I make decisions, I fight for what I want, and I leave what I don't want.

 

This is the first time in my life when I've felt like I'm hanging on a string and there's someone I love with scissors going, "I may or may not cut this string despite loving you and wanting to take care of you... but you'll just have to wait and see. If you do anything, I very well could interpret that as manipulation or pressure and preemptively cut the string."

 

My friend said this morning on the phone that I also need to be prepared to never hear a response from him. He likely could just abandon what we've had altogether in the name of stress.

 

A few other circumstances are in play here as well.

• I got a job here near his place that I haven't yet started, and just 30 minutes ago I received my first schedule for work.

• I had it in my mind that this weekend, if I hadn't heard a response from him, I would be proactive like other posters on here have said, and use the last of my gas to get to my dad's, and figure something out with the job situation.

 

• The problem is I have no money, so I can't even fill my gas tank to drive back to my dad's house and back to work if I leave now... what I really need to get back on track is my paycheck in 2 weeks time.

 

My friend suggested, and I'd like your opinions on this... that since no real time limit has been set for this whole "thinking about it" phase, I go to work, and once I get my first paycheck which will allow me to move back to my dad's house and keep my job, I basically say "see you later" and leave it at that.

 

 

 

Again, before school started for him, I actually suggested moving back to my dad's because it would be easier for him to have time and space to study, which in turn would benefit us both. He really doesn't like that idea and I have no idea why.

[reinventmyself]

Women tend to be more verbal than men.

Having said that I often see that men will set something into motion that they should otherwise do (or say) themselves.

What I mean is, rather than being direct they may passively set scene for you to do all the heavy lifting.

From what you have shared he is passively giving you clues.

 

I could be wrong but I think he wants his space back but wants you to be responsible for making that decision and if the relationship suffers that's on you as well.

Again I could be wrong. But I think if you love someone it's really hard to tell them you want them to go home. This is his attempt to spare your feelings.

 

That may be why he gives you what seems like a mixed message.

I am not sure what he's after but it's very confusing to say the least.

 

I just think at this point staying in a home of a conflicted, ambivalent man isn't going to help either one of you.

Give him the gift of space and missing you.

 

I basically say "see you later" and leave it at that.

It seems victim like and baits him to feel guilty.

Go home and tell him "love you, see you in a little while". >

[misssmithviii]

I went out for a walk, after he left for class this morning, and when I came back he was here between classes.

 

He said "Oh you're back" in a very pleasant tone, I responded nicely with "yeah" and after a brief moment of silence he goes, "so, where'd you go?" in this very interested way. We chit chatted about my walk, and I maintained a nice composure, it actually felt really good to talk to him without getting emotional.

 

When he left just now for the remainder of his classes, I very nicely wished him good luck on his lab assignment (he's been having difficulties with it) and he said thank you, smiled at me and I wished him to have a nice day.

 

At the door, he paused and in an inquisitive tone said, "see you later" to which I agreed.

 

One minute he's leaving for class without a goodbye, effectively ignoring me. But when I'm not here when he returns he's like, wait where'd you go, you weren't here when I got back.

 

I'm just venting all of this, it feels good and is quite therapeutic to vent my thoughts on what I'm experiencing right now...

[misssmithviii]

It's funny you said it's very confusing because I just got another mixed message by him acting suddenly super interested in why I wasn't home when he got back. I figured he wouldn't be home actually, so it wasn't me trying to manipulate him or anything - but it's interesting to me how it panned out and now he's trying to establish that he'll see me later, instead of the silent goodbye he had this morning.

 

I agree. I really do. I really want to give him his space and I think, now that the crazy emotions have settled somewhat, I see that no matter how this goes, having space apart will help facilitate it.

 

He wants to pay for my daughter and I to celebrate her 7th birthday because he knows I don't have money right now - I'm contemplating accepting it...

 

Either way, because he still cares for me despite all of this I know he'll be fine with me staying until I receive my first paycheck.

[reinventmyself]

I just think at this point staying in a home of a conflicted, ambivalent man isn't going to help either one of you.

Give him the gift of space and missing you.

 

And if your relationship can't survive you spending a little more time away then it's too fragile to begin with.

[misssmithviii]

And if your relationship can't survive you spending a little more time away then it's too fragile to begin with.

 

I agree.

 

Can ask you, why do you think he's acting this way? I mean, if you had to guess. Why is it that when I'm here, he's ambivalent, but then when I'm not here and he's expecting me to be, he's suddenly super interested in me and what I've been doing and such.

[mhowe]

Perhaps he is hoping you found something to occupy your time?

[Fudgie]

Sorry if you mentioned this before, but when did you two sort of move in together?

 

I think he cares for you, yes, but he's stressed and it sounds like he wants some space from you. Like he wants his own place and time alone. The way you were describing earlier about you two having a routine of always taking a walk, things like that, sounds like he may have gotten to feel like time with as being an obligation and not that fun anymore.

 

I do think you should go to your dad's, for your own sake as well as his.

[misssmithviii]

Sorry if you mentioned this before, but when did you two sort of move in together?

 

I think he cares for you, yes, but he's stressed and it sounds like he wants some space from you. Like he wants his own place and time alone. The way you were describing earlier about you two having a routine of always taking a walk, things like that, sounds like he may have gotten to feel like time with as being an obligation and not that fun anymore.

 

I do think you should go to your dad's, for your own sake as well as his.

 

Over the summer. Basically, I had classes at university 5x/week, full time from morning to near evening and since he lives close to university he kept asking me to just stay over. I started staying over, and then he cleared a few drawers for me and bought more hangers. He was very much all in and I'm so in love with him that we were crazy happy.

 

I agree that the walks every night were probably feeling like an obligation when his school started up again. If I had only known he felt that way, I would've kept myself busy and made it so that he had to really make that as a plan instead of a default.

 

In fact, that's what I started saying in our conversation two days ago. I said I'd rather see him once a week when he's free, happy to see me and ready to engage in conversation, than every day and become a object of stress by feeling like he has to spend time with the other person in the room. I get that, I really do... the problem is he doesn't seem willing to do that. When I've brought it up, he's been quick to tell me he wants me to hang on and stay, "just a little longer, please?" and such...

 

If he really wants to kick me out before I get my first paycheck in two weeks, my friend just called to tell me that gas will be covered and I can just pay him back.

 

I have to put it out there and say that I think, if I were to put myself in his shoes, he's struggling with wanting his own space back while he studies (it's hard in a studio apartment without rooms) and actually having me leave in order to do it. I think perhaps he wants his space, but doesn't like the idea of not having me around either.

And me living back at my dad's seems like a step backward for him, despite me proposing that and being 100% on board with it. I feel like that's ideally what he NEEDS, but he doesn't know what he wants.

 

 

 

If he doesn't kick me out, I'll stay, be myself, not engage him or bother him, do my own thing for 2 weeks then move out, unless he suddenly turns back into the man I got to know and tells me I need to stay.

[WithLove]

To me, it sounds like he wants time apart from a relationship and its responsibilities in general. I don't think he has the ability to cope with everything that a relationship entails right now.

 

I think for it to survive, it will be better to go home to your dad's and just date for awhile. Then you know that when you see each other, it'll be on dating terms.

[mhowe]

Why do you need him to make the decision when all of the advice has been to move out? You aren't breaking up with him, you are making positive steps to give him space? You are acting like he is in charge when you are the one who has to do the action.

[saluk]

I agree with everything you just said misssmithviii, and was about to comment as such. He's too stressed to make any kind of decision, he needs the space but doesn't necessarily want it, and is going to be sitting there asking for more time for eternity. Disconnect a little while you are staying there until you are able to move out, and don't put any more pressure on him to make any decisions. You don't have to be false and smiley when you don't feel it, but you don't have to try to DO anything to fix the problem either. Make your own choices according to the timeframe that works for you, and if he comes around before then, great.

 

If you leave, and he takes it as a break up, you never would have worked staying together.

[Fudgie]

A studio apartment?!? My god, I lived with an ex for a year in a studio apartment. It's extremely hard on anyone! And he and I got lucky at the time because we worked opposite shifts, me on nights and him on days, so we got a little time alone. You don't get any privacy aside from the bathroom and you're in each other's face all the time. Studio apartments are terrible for couples. You need a 1 bedroom at minimum, at least so you can be in separate rooms if you need some time alone.

 

Honestly, I bet this is a big factor in why he is pulling away. He has no space of his own, nowhere he could go to relax without you there, like a separate bedroom. You two moved in together pretty quickly and while it seemed like a good idea at the time for him, maybe he's regretting it now because he feels like he doesn't get any time/space alone (remember, not exactly you're fault because it's a STUDIO).

 

Overall, this is why I think it's a bad idea to move in without really talking about it and communicating about it, like talking about the finances, what will you do if someone needs space, what does living together mean (is it a step towards the future or is it out of logistical convenience?) What happens is that you eventually come into his space (invited at first), and now he may be regretting it. I'm assuming you don't pay rent, right? What is going on with the finances? Did you guys even discuss that or was it just a matter of "I'm staying here so much I live here and now I have some drawers and so oops, now I guess I'm living here".

 

I read your previous threads. This guy isn't really good at communicating and this seems to be a problem that is on-going between the two of you. I don't know if he's thinking seriously of breaking up or if he's just hoping that you'll back off and give him lots of alone time so he can breathe....but it doesn't really matter. I think the more you push, the more he'll pull away. If you want a chance at saving this relationship, you need to play it cool and go back to your dad's and start dating again. And if you two revisit the idea of a live-in relationship, I would TALK about it beforehand, not slide into each other's apartment and not say anything, and I would get a proper size place.

[reinventmyself]

I agree.

 

Can ask you, why do you think he's acting this way? I mean, if you had to guess. Why is it that when I'm here, he's ambivalent, but then when I'm not here and he's expecting me to be, he's suddenly super interested in me and what I've been doing and such.

 

reread what I wrote earlier (?)

[misssmithviii]

We talked about it moving in together, but I think whenever I expressed hesitation, he slapped it down with affection.

 

I think the studio has a lot to do with it.

 

To answer mhowe's question: I'm not waiting for him to make a decision, I'm just financially capable of moving out when I get some money from my first paycheck. If between now and then I feel like I can't do it, or he asks me to, my friend will be there as a fallback but of course, my friend prefers that I try and wait for the 2 weeks.

 

I'm still contemplating it... taking my friend's help money wise. But I also don't want to go back on my word to stay.

I'm contemplating by end of day Saturday, if I feel like this is still not going anywhere and I've stayed "a few more days" like he asked, then I'll nicely move out, tell him I love him, and see ya later.

 

On my own, I'll just feel it out... if a month goes by and I hear nothing I'll likely move on.

 

I just wish things didn't have to end... but I can't make somebody want me.

[mhowe]

He does want you...he just doesn't want to tell you to move the heck out and let him breathe!

[reinventmyself]

double post

[misssmithviii]

reread what I wrote earlier (?)

 

If he doesn't want to break up and really just wants me to move back to my dad's, then why did he even ask me to stay? I told him that moving back to my dad's didn't mean breaking up, but that's how he feels about it.

 

I truly love him. That's why this hurts so badly. I can't believe I've gone over 2 days without eating... I just had a couple spoonfuls of yogurt but everything else I've tried to eat, I start gagging and throw it all up. I've never had this feeling before, I'm usual the type to stuff my face with food when I'm sad, but this is different. It sucks too because I'm beginning to shake.

 

I'm still trying to force myself to eat something... fingers crossed I don't accidentally hurl it back out.

 

 

By the way, do you think that I should take my friend's offer to pay for gas and move out by Saturday night no matter what he says? Or should I try and wait for the paycheck in 2 weeks?

[reinventmyself]

""If he really wants to kick me out before I get my first paycheck in two weeks, my friend just called to tell me that gas will be covered and I can just pay him back.""

""If he does kick me out.""

 

 

Do you see what you wrote? If you yourself frame that this as being kicked out then it's likely that he knows this and by him stating his needs is viewed by you as being `kicked out'

If you continue to not pick up on his queues, you will force his hand to ask you to leave. Why do that?

 

He is giving you mixed messages. But which one are you going to act on? Stay or leave?

I would at least create some distance (by going home for a night or two) and see if it doesn't change the dynamic.

 

Clearly what you are doing isn't working. If you want to save this relationship you need to do something different