an update... match.com actually WORKED for this guy (me)!!!

[musicman777]

Hello everyone!

Well almost exactly a month ago I (at the time reluctantly) signed up on match.com, I made a somewhat controversial topic on this thread:

 

 

As a guy (I'm 25 btw), what I said still stands. It is VERY difficult to find people in online dating as a male, because it is a brutal game in numbers. I took a HUGE stand against the site last month in my thread, basically bashed the living hell out of it, and with good reasoning. I even deactivated my profile for several weeks!

Eventually one day a couple weeks ago I came to my senses. I spent the money, why not make the best of it? At least leave the profile on. I barely touched the site, however. In the past, I have had ones come to me, and I thought maybe I would try it again. Well here is the funny part of the story. I actually wrote customer support about something one day (a local event I was interested in going to but unfortunately I was sick). I checked my phone the next day, having a message from match. I thought it was customer support where it actually turned out to be a woman! As it turns out, someone actually messaged me back that I messaged almost a month ago, and only three days later we went on my first date in four years!

 

 

I am still fracking flabbergasted that I actually went on a date a day ago. Just complete shell shock. I was NOT expecting it whatsoever. Especially that rapidly and easily, and ESPECIALLY off of match dot-freaking-com! And it is a cute girl, finished college, one year younger than me, very similar/uncanny similarities between us. The date went very well and she wants to go on another one! It wasn't perfect, the post-date rituals (uh, physical contact!) are awkward, texting, and so forth as well. All those goofy protocols and try to give attention but not hound them at the same time and etc. But all in all it went very well, she had fun, it didn't turn into a job interview and wants to do it again, as do I. Hard to tell if she is "the one" or not at this point, but I do really want to spend time with her again. She's a little restrained and shy, I feel she needs to see more me to open up to me.

So, does the online dating work? Well, in a state/city full of completely incompatible people with me, dozens of unreplied messages, fans of sports teams I could care less for, and many other criteria, in about only one month only I landed one VERY good date from that website that was a near perfect match for me. I would say that single date alone made the subscription I paid for worth the time and hassle. What can I say???

[notalady]

That's great news, sounds like a great date! Although I would manage expectations if I were you, you don't know this girl at all (and she is rightfully reserved after only one date), so many first dates don't work out such that if you are expecting greatness, you may find yourself very disappointed (and possibly come back with a bitter post about how online dating doesn't work, afterall). It's great that you hit off and would like to get to know each other more but I would curb the enthusiasm a little. And leave the question of whether she's "the one" till much much..much later in the relationship (if it turns into one).

 

Otherwise, just relax and have fun

[greta96]

Yayy, it's great to read positive updates!

As long as you keep your expectations in check and take every date as exactly what it is - an opportunity to meet new people with the hope that one of them eventually turns into something more, you should be fine. The key in online dating is to keep yourself grounded and stay away from idealizing those you meet. Getting dates is the easy(er) part, keeping them is when it gets tougher, and in order to do so you need to be smart, careful with your heart and feelings and very, very choosy. Never show over-eagerness and never complain about having been unable to get dates, because that is usually a turn-off to the other party.

 

Enjoy the process and keep us updated!

[Fudgie]

I'm really happy for you and I hope everything works out! Match is a good site and it worked for me in the distant past.

[musicman777]

Thanks for the responses. Yes "notalady", totally agree with you, as I said it was only a first date and far too soon to know if she is the one. One off-putting thing, I felt the texting decreased a bit the day after. She did she was very busy that day after though and eventually answered. She did just spend a long evening with me though and she has other priorities, including an important job interview coming up. I decided to give her some space and thinking time. I texted her yesterday that I would contact her over the weekend about date #2. She is a grown up, her own life, her own responsibilities. I was the one taking the lead on things so we'll see what happens. I think it will score me some points to actually give her some space and she can see I have a life other than her, I fear she was thinking I was falling for her fast (I wasn't, but I like to show a affection/interest and that's hard to do without making it look overboard!).

I am hugely restraining my thoughts/feelings towards her in case she doesn't want to pursue this any farther. I have to say myself, after the dinner, I wasn't feeling the sparks particularly in the physical department. She was holding back, maybe that's why and maybe it's too soon. But I remember people I have fell for in the past, it was electric just to give them a hug. I didn't feel that for her yet, and only time can tell if I will. I DEFINITELY want to date her more, hopefully several more times if she feels the same. She said she did.

 

I would say this has been a massive learning experience for me, and that is what I am going to take it was if things done work out. I suggest others here (specifically men) to think about all this if they have tried online dating, or just dating in general. Number one, it's not enough to just get a date, but like one of you said, keep them! It's very difficult and awkward to show affection and interest, but not go overboard. It's almost impossible to tell believe it or not if someone is the right one just off the first date. The texting "protocols" get confusing.

I have really wanted to have a real relationship with someone, but I am finding that is harder and harder to do as time goes by and I get older. I've fell for the cliche love story where people meet in some ridiculous manner/fashion and fall madly in love. Unfortunately life isn't like that. And I think it takes some hassle and heartache to find the right one, if they even exist. I'm not exclusive with this new girl. In the morning I messaged several more girls on match, most of which read my messages and failed to response again! That doesn't mean one won't over time agin as this last one did.

[pippy longstocking]

musicman I am delighted for you .... enjoy

[Ms Darcy]

Glad that you got a date. Please slow down ... giving her space doesn't get you points. Good dates and setting up the next date, if she's interested, does. So I would advise not really texting. Call her after her interview for another date and don't text inbetween.

 

I'm of the opinion that online dating "works" if someone wants to meet you for a date. People tend to blame online dating if things after that don't work out as they wanted. To me all it can do is facilitate meeting. People have to do the rest.

[Dottieflanogon]

I'm glad everything worked out for you ,its great to hear ..Just take your time and see how it goes. Good luck

[musicman777]

Glad that you got a date. Please slow down ... giving her space doesn't get you points. Good dates and setting up the next date, if she's interested, does. So I would advise not really texting. Call her after her interview for another date and don't text inbetween.

 

I'm of the opinion that online dating "works" if someone wants to meet you for a date. People tend to blame online dating if things after that don't work out as they wanted. To me all it can do is facilitate meeting. People have to do the rest.

 

Thanks I hear you! It was confusing because she was texting pretty consistently BEFORE the date, but I had a feeling she (and probably myself) was feeling out to make sure I wasn't going to bail on the date or anything and keeping the interest up. Already looking into the next date and yes I was planning on calling her instead of texting. I will be doing that tomorrow evening.

 

Also thanks Dottie. I'm trying to take my time. I'll post an update if anything interesting more happens. I did message more people without any luck though, that being said it took this one a month to come around so we'll see.

[JustWishing]

I wasn't feeling the sparks particularly in the physical department

 

Now, this is off. You don't have to feel a firework, but you should be at least feeling something. And most likely if you didn't feel it, she didn't feel it either. Women are like sensors. We know, LOL

[musicman777]

Hey everyone,

Well, I don't think there will be a second date with this one after all. I gave her a call this afternoon and she didn't answer all day, but she had time to go surfing on link removed earlier (not that I am stalking her or anything but I still remain proactive on the site and saw she was "online within 1 hour"). That don't mean she might not answer on the weekend or anything but I have a feeling she will not. I think I'm getting the cold shoulder at this point.

 

To be honest, as JustWishing said, there were no sparks, I definitely wasn't feeling any. I really wasn't feeling it with her, like in the past I have felt electric when I was with some people. The physical contact felt VERY awkward and unnatural after the dinner. Also, some of you may laugh at this. But this girl, she is 24. And her car (that she claims she bought herself ad she owns) is a late model Honda soccer mom utility van. Now, in what WORLD does a 24 year old, regardless of gender, buy a soccer mom van brand new (particularly if you're not a mother with family)?! Out of ALL the vehicles out there, if you had the money to get a newer car, why not a nice Honda Civic, a sedan, or something a little more stylish? Even a truck?! A car can say a lot about a person.

 

I don't think this van was hers, but her mothers or something. I just found it really bizarre a young woman would buy such a vehicle. She also works part time in a department store, so I don't know how she could afford a late model vehicle like that. Also, I have a feeling she may have lied about her age, maybe even her career/schooling too. I was willing to go on a few more dates to feel her out more but apparently she's not going to answer, and I didn't find her all that special to put anymore thought into this. Oh well, back to the old grind.

[Fudgie]

I'm sorry to hear that it isn't looking up. How are you feeling? Are you back on Match and trying again?

 

You know, it may as well be this way, if you really didn't feel any sparks at all and it was super awkward and unnatural.

 

I don't really know what to say about the car. I don't think it's particularly that odd though, you never know why she may have one. maybe she does babysitting or something in her spare time or had another need for a car with more carrying space. She could have also received money from family to buy it, who knows. My car is a Honda Fit, which is like a mini-mini van. The seats in the back fold flat and it's a hatchback. It's definitely not flashy looking but it's more for utility and I love that car.

 

Keep on keepin' on.

[musicman777]

Hi Fudgie,

Thanks for asking. I guess I have mixed emotions right now. This girl did not answer even today so I think it's a 100% given. I don't really feel too bad about losing this girl because it really did feel awkward/unnatural after the dinner and it was only a first date, although I would have liked to try a few more times before giving up. One note, I wish at the VERY least she gave me an honest message or something saying how she felt or why she doesn't want to do another date. Particularly after taking her to a nice place to eat, I think it's just ignorant to play the cold shoulder game.

 

On the other hand, I am sad because this girl at first seemed like a godsend, a perfect match, similar lifestyle and everything, and then once again it didn't work out, I got duped again. Match, I have become extremely aggressive on the past 3-4 days. I've messaged dozens of girls on there including POF. I have not gotten a single response on either. I even paid for the "top spot" thing on match. I had a few photo likes from attractive women and some profile views but I message them and they don't answer back!! It's VERY frustrating. I feel like I'm talking to myself on the site half the time.

 

The more and more I think about it, I am thinking it is where i live that is making the difference. I live in the outskirts of Pittsburgh. And dozens of websites, including Forbes (link removed) list Pittsburgh as one of the WORST cities to be single. It's got small, tight-knit communities with people that don't like to travel more than 10-20 miles. Pittsburgh is notoriously bad to drive around with some of the most aggressive drivers in the world and most confusing roads. There isn't a lot to do around here to meet people face to face. This area is also nicknamed "hick town". It's full of hicks, and they are all obsessed with the local sports teams. I'm getting fed up with it and I have given some serious thought to moving soon. The only thing holding me back is my dog, I'd hate to leave my loyal companion!

[Dottieflanogon]

I'm sorry things didn't work out they way you would have like them to . Keep your chin up and continue exploring other options.keep trying, don't lose hope.

 

Online dating is just another way to meet people but shouldn't be the only way you meet people. If you're banking on it working, it probably won't because you've invested too much emotionally and your expectations will colour your experience. It works when you stop hoping each person you meet will be the one and instead, decide to just have fun with the experience, regardless of the outcome. Yes, even a bad date can be fun.

 

All the best to you

[musicman777]

Hi Dottie,

Thanks for replying, I appreciate it. I am definitely keeping a more open mind this year after a couple fails with dating. I no longer expect anyone to be "the one". I'm very much over all those generic love cliches.

 

Online dating, unfortunately is my only venue right now. I just live in such an AWFUL area to meet women. There is literally nothing to do here to meet women. It's all highways and car dealerships, literally! I would love it if they had a local, neutral-ground dance floor or something, anything. I always keep my eyes open in reality and of all the ones I found that way they were always taken. I would say the last three women I asked out in person were all taken. I got to a local bar/social club at a firehall every week, it's not a dumpy/sleazy place by any means but I don't see many people there my age at all. It's mostly older folk.

 

The only real life strategy I have right now, whenever I can try to get up to go to the local coffee shop/bakery at lunch time. It's early for me cause of my job but I try to go and hope maybe young people go there on their lunch break I could talk to. So far this hasn't worked. Also, most outdoor activities go down the toilet in winter time. It gets arctic-cold temperatures here in winter anymore killing any outdoor fun.

[Sportster2005]

Hey everyone,

and saw she was "online within 1 hour"). That don't mean she might not answer on the weekend or anything but I have a feeling she will not. I think I'm getting the cold shoulder at this point.

 

Save yourself a world of trouble musicman and stop caring right now about when they are online and not. Just because you have one or two or three dates doesn't mean they have to stop looking. You yourself were online, or you wouldn't have found out she was.

 

I guarantee you will self sabotage and drive yourself crazy by caring about what they do online. It's none of your business really. You also can't assume what they are doing. And you can't take it personal. Let it go. Relax.

 

And her car (that she claims she bought herself ad she owns) is a late model Honda soccer mom utility van. Now, in what WORLD does a 24 year old, regardless of gender, buy a soccer mom van brand new (particularly if you're not a mother with family)?! Out of ALL the vehicles out there, if you had the money to get a newer car, why not a nice Honda Civic, a sedan, or something a little more stylish? Even a truck?! A car can say a lot about a person.

 

You're thinking way too much musicman.

[Rosti87]

Never judge a book by its cover. There are people who are millionaires that drive 10 year old Chevys. There are clerks making $10 an hour driving BMWs. What one drives tells nothing about the individual other than how they spend their money.

[John John]

Save yourself a world of trouble musicman and stop caring right now about when they are online and not. Just because you have one or two or three dates doesn't mean they have to stop looking. You yourself were online, or you wouldn't have found out she was.

 

I guarantee you will self sabotage and drive yourself crazy by caring about what they do online. It's none of your business really. You also can't assume what they are doing. And you can't take it personal. Let it go. Relax.

 

 

 

You're thinking way too much musicman.

 

 

Agree. Musicman, cool your engines. Do NOT, I repeat, for the love of God...do NOT get too excited or invested in a woman too quickly. I would say you really should NOT get excited at all until you're at least on date four. People have too many options from OLD, and until you have some sort of label or understanding that you're exclusive, they can drop you at any second (without even so much as a text). Be careful my friend. Such is the reality of OLD.

[browneyedgirl36]

Agree. Musicman, cool your engines. Do NOT, I repeat, for the love of God...do NOT get too excited or invested in a woman too quickly. I would say you really should NOT get excited at all until you're at least on date four. People have too many options from OLD, and until you have some sort of label or understanding that you're exclusive, they can drop you at any second (without even so much as a text). Be careful my friend. Such is the reality of OLD.

 

Agree, and I would add: If you're worried about what kind of car she drives, I think you're focusing on the wrong things. Her choice of car should't be relevant at all, unless she's someone really spoiled who expects you to pay for everything and drives a $75,000 car that she can't afford the payments on.

[musicman777]

Hey all,

Thanks for your feedback. Well on the positive note; I have gotten the attention of another cute woman on match and we are texting already. Last night I decided to make some serious edits to my profile, I simplified it, tried to remove stuff that sounded possibly over-confident/egotistical. Also changed my username to something fun and witty. Got a reply almost an hour after doing so.

 

But I 100% agree with all of you. I am starting to change the mentality that anyone I find is really that special until we go on several dates. I've always had a romantic mindset, thinking everyone I meet could be my "future wife" and I'm starting to change that mindset dramatically. To put it simply I'm keeping my guard up for a while until they prove they aren't wasting my time. As far as this new woman goes, I offered to take her for coffee to see if there is chemistry, she agreed. I think this is a much better idea then a fancy dinner place in case it doesn't work out. It she doesn't act flaky and fade out after the first date then maybe we can go somewhere a little nicer.

 

Also the car comments lol. I would NEVER turn someone away over their car, no do I think that is some huge deal breaker. But I did find it odd a young girl would buy such a vehicle, that is all. Could mean nothing as all of you have pointed out. Just to clarify, I too am friends with a wealth man, literally a millionaire. And for 15+ years he drove around a beat up Silverado that definitely didn't match his lifestyle.

[Fudgie]

It's amazing what a couple little changes can do to your profile! It sounds like you're having a good attitude about it now. I would definitely not take a girl out to dinner for a first meet. Coffee is fine. Don't invest or put money towards a girl until you feel like she's someone that you want to be around. The coffee date is just to see if there is any potential.

 

The car thing doesn't surprise me. People drive cars that don't seen to match. My dad makes really good money and his cars are always older and a bit beat up. He bought a new car a while ago, never with any bells and whistles, cheap model, and it's already kind of dirty and has tons of dings on it from the things he does to it. Some people are just more concerned with function, not form.

[musicman777]

Hey everyone, not to make a daily log of this stuff but just wanted to post my thoughts and vent. The second girl I met on match decided to bail on me yesterday evening, telling me "she's not ready for dating but thanks for being so great". So this one I didn't even get a date out of, although I at least am glad she told me this before the date. I'm also glad to see she could continue to browser match.com however after saying this. Doesn't make me feel any better.

 

Also messaged several other people the past week, getting no interest, no replies, same old song and dance with the online dating game. Very frustrating waste of time. I may not have any more luck but I am going to try out the eharmony tonight. One thing with match is I'm getting tired of browsing through countless profiles trying to find the ideal match, I heard eharmony doesn't use search but matches you with who it thinks it best with the data you provide, I like the thought of this. I may end up hating it just as much.

 

Another thing killing me I feel in this online dating... I am agnostic, and I specify that for my faith. Too many catholics/christians looking for someone of similar faith. Forgive me for being a person that believes in reality and science. I almost feel like just giving up on all this again. One measly date with a girl that bailed and now the same old repetitive crap. Why do I even bother anymore?

[Dottieflanogon]

Hey musicman don't have any great advice, but what I wanted to write was just be patient, sometimes it takes a while to meet someone... If you're using a free website, you're more than likely going to see those same results more often. It's my understanding that the online dating services that require payment are a little better about this stuff.

 

 

Part of the problem you're having is due to just being a female online. They receive tons of messages everyday from just about every guy online. This really puts you in a vulnerable position and will reduce your chances of getting a response to any messages. , you're being compared to hundreds of other guys . I have tried online dating in the past and what I noticed is, it is actually harsher than real life dating. People are only judging you on your photos. Most of them don't even read what you write. In person you might be average looking but if you have a great personality and sense of humor then someone may be attracted to that even if they weren't initially attracted to your looks, .But online people look at a picture for 2 seconds and don't respond or read if they don't like the picture

 

I didn't have any luck when I tried online dating but my friend did and married this man and has been married for several years now and is very happy, so it can work but just like anything in life, it's all about timing and luck

 

Good luck

[Fudgie]

I think you should try eH. It's not a sea of profiles to look at and message, they give a few "matches" and then you talk to them with some guided questions. If all goes well, then you can message more. So it's easier to talk on eH since they provide the initial matches and questions.

 

Keep at it, and try eH.

 

Religion wise, it could be a regional thing. Remember too that statistically speaking, women are more likely to be religious than men and to have it on their profiles. I think there are many who say that they are Christian when they are really only the type to go to church on holidays and don't believe a lot of the stuff but don't want to say "agnostic" because they are worried about the stigma.

 

I'm an atheist and I've only been open to dating atheists/agnostics/Buddhists usually. I would scan the profiles and if his religion said anything other than those, I check "nope". Yes, it seems restrictive but you know, I'd rather hold out for someone who isn't religious than try to make it work with someone who is. I just know I couldn't do that, personally.

[musicman777]

Hey, thanks for your replies, I appreciate all you coming back to respond to my latest adventures. I messaged some more people but still no replies or anything last night. I'm not in the best mood the past few days, my uncle passed away this week. Funeral was last night and now in another 4 hours gotta go back (I know, lots of sleep I'm getting!). To pile onto the **** storm my car's serpentine belt snapped while I was driving today and I almost got killed on a busy highway when my car's steering locked up, still where I had to do an emergency "parking". Just having a very stressful and depressing week.

 

I signed up on eHarmony last night, did the basics, didn't buy a subscription yet. I'm on the fence about it. It's pricey, $140~ or something for three months, ridiculous. Not crazy about the layout of the profile and site, and the goofy full-page image needed. I also heard of some people that sign up and then barely get any matches set up with them. I don't like the sound of that... I also read some reviews of all the sites out there, including this one "its just lunch". $1,200+ dollars to be set up on a date, LOL, good one. Is this what this world has come down to now?

 

You know, I'm just getting fed up with all of this. I'm about to throw in the towel, not just with the online dating, just with finding someone in general. I don't feel this fight is worth fighting anymore. To be 100% honest with all of you, I'm completely convinced there isn't really anyone out there for me. I only tried this because I was encouraged to by friends/family and to try to be optimistic, I'm not surprised it isn't working. I feel like I have a better chance at getting hit by lighting than finding that "special someone", which is funny because I almost was once struck by lighting seven years ago. And you all don't know the half of how incredibly unlucky I have been with women, I mean I have the absolute worst track record. I have been cheated on, lied to, even had one came out of the closet on me. I just don't feel like doing this anymore. I'm not not happy or don't like my life, but I don't feel like it's worth looking for anyone anymore. My mother thinks I should see a therapist about all this. I don't think so. I think it's reality and I'm not delusional or believe in fairy tale endings.