an update... match.com actually WORKED for this guy (me)!!!

[SophieGrace]

You know, I'm just getting fed up with all of this. I'm about to throw in the towel, not just with the online dating, just with finding someone in general. I don't feel this fight is worth fighting anymore. To be 100% honest with all of you, I'm completely convinced there isn't really anyone out there for me....I don't think so. I think it's reality and I'm not delusional or believe in fairy tale endings.

 

Suggest reading the dating journal here of username ND40, a guy older than you. There are good tips for dudes on OLD, and it's imbued with optimism and how not to take things personally.

[Fudgie]

I like ND40's journal too and highly recommended you go read it.

 

Despite everything, do you still want to find someone? I'm not talking a fairy tale ending, we all know those don't exist. I mean, find someone who fits well with you, someone that you can have fun with and love as well.

 

Be honest. I had an epiphany lately. Before I met my guy, I was very "f this" and not very optimistic. I then realized that I wasn't actually acting in my best interests. That I actually wanted to find someone and if I didn't try, I would be disappointment in myself and bitter. So I had to give it a go.

[Ms Darcy]

Like I have said, people want to find someone theoretically, but they don't want to put the work in.

 

You don't need online dating to find someone. It's a vehicle with a business model that relies heavily on people not being willing to meet in real life.

 

You can meet someone in real life. People have done it for thousands of years. But it's not easy. And to be honest hon, you sound a bit contradictory when it comes to dating. You seem resentful religious women may not be interested because you are agnostic. But you call your beliefs "based in reality and science" which is pretty judgmental the other way.

 

So ask yourself, without online dating, could you find someone? It's fine if you want to stop looking. Just be very clear as to why.

[browneyedgirl36]

Like I have said, people want to find someone theoretically, but they don't want to put the work in.

 

You don't need online dating to find someone. It's a vehicle with a business model that relies heavily on people not being willing to meet in real life.

 

You can meet someone in real life. People have done it for thousands of years. But it's not easy. And to be honest hon, you sound a bit contradictory when it comes to dating. You seem resentful religious women may not be interested because you are agnostic. But you call your beliefs "based in reality and science" which is pretty judgmental the other way.

 

So ask yourself, without online dating, could you find someone? It's fine if you want to stop looking. Just be very clear as to why.

 

I agree with this. I sense a ton of frustration in the OP's post, and I get it. I vaguely considered online dating at a few points, but frankly, I think I would have been terrible at it. I'm an introvert; I hate small talk. I like the familiar, and meeting new people is hard for me (even though that's how I've gotten every friend I've ever had!) Mainly, I just didn't have the energy, time, or inclination to make online dating a "second job," which is how many people characterize it (including people on here and some of my friends). The thought of setting up coffee date after coffee date with complete strangers, and going through perhaps hundreds of these to meet "the one," just made me feel sad and anxious. Thus, I had decided that, for me, meeting people organically -- at events, through friends, etc. -- was my best option. But...here's the thing about me: I'm OK being alone. I've always wanted companionship with a good, healthy, solid partner, but had recently come to realize that, if I didn't find that person, I'd be OK. Plus, I don't want kids, so there was no biological clock ticking for me, and I have a good job that pays well, so there are no financial considerations for me. I could "afford," so to speak, to leave things to "fate." Not everyone wants to do that, though, and I think that if you really don't want to, you need to be more proactive -- signing up for classes and events (meetups, things like that), letting friends know you're available (which is one thing I did), take every viable social opportunity that comes your way -- parties, volunteer work, etc.

 

I'm starting to think that, the more online dating evolves and changes, more people have better luck with meeting people organically than with online dating. Nearly everyone I know who is in a relationship -- even those who have gotten into relationships recently (including myself) has met his/her significant other somewhere other than online dating. The one person I know who recently got married and met her husband through online dating is now on her third marriage, so...not sure how successful that will be!

 

I say if you are REALLY focused on finding a partner, stay on a couple of sites (and don't invest a ton of money in eHarmony if you really don't want to) but keep LOTS of other options open -- and keep your eyes open.

 

My current boyfriend of seven months was introduced to me by a mutual friend. I was iffy about meeting him -- I've been set up many times and none of them have worked out past three dates -- but...this one's a keeper, at least so far! I had NO idea when I was sitting at home, drinking champagne and watching movies alone on New Year's Eve this year (which was fine with me, by the way -- I enjoyed it!) that a month later, I'd meet a great guy. I wasn't even trying.

 

Hang in there, and try not to get discouraged. I agree -- read ND40's thread. His unflagging optimism AND the details of his experiences may be helpful to you.

[musicman777]

Hey everyone, thanks for all of your replies. You know, I've said this a thousand times on here. There are literally zero ways for me to meet someone off of the internet. I'm not kidding, ZERO. I'm not going to write another list about this. I have absolutely no ways or means to meet women in reality, due to my work, geographical location, and other factors. I've exhausted literally EVERY freaking option you can think of including asking friends/family.

 

To be honest I still kind of just feel like giving up at all this. This is just too much hassle, time, and money being wasted. If I get dates, how many are going to be like this first one where they flake out after one or two dates? 5, 10, 50? How many years? Also if I do find someone, you know, I'm not going to be any better I feel. I've been put through too much negative trauma. I don't know if I can really trust someone anymore, I'm also going to be fearful they will pull a fast one and leave me out of the blue, it's just happened SO many times. I just don't feel there is anyone out there that is going to be THAT spectacular that is going to change the way I feel.

 

This is just the end of the line. I just don't know what else to do anymore. One of you mentioned the online dating is a second job, that's what it feels like.

[Batya33]

Then it's time to look into relocating to remove the geographic obstacle. I did -not a long distance -but to a far more expensive location. I made it work because of my long term goals. What can you do to work towards relocating?

[Ms Darcy]

I moved to a bigger city 10 years ago for a job and more dating opportunities. I got a great job and a great husband! Nothing wrong with moving if you want something enough.

[BigKK]

sounds like you should move...

 

if online dating isn't working, and you live on a farm, I wouldn't expect you to be finding dates. Not everyone is cut out for online dating, I found it somewhat easy to pickup dates...but I also live in a city with a few million people

[musicman777]

Hey everyone I am on my phone but wanted to answer. Well, the eharmony sent me an email it found 16 matches or something. I still didn't pay or upload photos but one thing I heard is they don't give many matches, but that doesn't seem to be the case so maybe I will try it.

 

I also agree on the moving. As stated earlier, according to Forbes and other sites, I live near one of the worst cities for dating (Pittsburgh). I don't live on a farm, but it is definitely not ideal for meeting women.

 

I am gonna try the online stuff still, I think if I don't find someone by summer next year I'm going to move. My parents even agreed to move with me if I wanted so they could be close. I have to say, besides the dating, I'm just not happy with living where I am anymore. Tired of the same old same old.

[Dottieflanogon]

I agree with bowneyedgirl,I tried online dating in the past for 6 months or so. I met few guys but it never lead into anything meaningful

 

Almost every guy I've met ,that lead to relationship ,I met in real life. expect one that I met on face book but lives 2.5 hours away. It didn't work out because neither of us was willing to move.With that being said,

I have no problem being single so always meet guys when I least expect it and I prefer it that way

[musicman777]

Hello everyone, well I see my reply to peguype got deleted, come on whoever deleted that you know it was funny!

 

Anyway, an update. I have not gotten any replies still. I'm trying to come online for an hour a night and message 4-5 people I find interesting. Not much else I can do. EHarmony is sending me matches but I haven't totally filled out the profile or gave them money yet. Very on the on the fence about it. I also apologize for some of my recent post. I've had a very dark week with a death in the family and things. I also genuinely think I have depression. I've talked to my doctor about it but he doesn't really say much. :suspicion:

 

I went with one of my closest friends today to see "Everest" on IMAX (it was amazing btw). After we ate and we talked about this dating stuff and this crap with match. He is going to arrange something to have me meet a girl he works with that he thinks is a good match for me. He's just gonna have a regular get-together with her there and see what happens. The two of us have another friend and that friend met his girlfriend unintentionally by doing this. He just had a random two get-together and the two of them started getting close... I should mention, this same friend, I dated a family member of his and it got serious. So we'll see... gotta try something though! This online stuff is getting ridiculous.

[greta96]

About eHarmony... I have read, and a friend of mine told me her own experience, that this is what they operate: in order to determine people to join, they send the type of emails you have been receiving from them, saying they have lots of matches for you, but when you do actually sign up and pay, you realize the matches are few and far between, and the very few matches they do send you are not matches at all. Very slim pickings with eHarmony, not a good investment and my friend said it was the worst online dating site she's ever been on. Unfortunately, she didn't have any luck with OKCupid, Match or POF either, very poor quality people, liars, people with mental or commitment issues, cheaters, people with addictions, basically everything you don't want in a partner. Like you say, the online dating thing has gotten ridiculous, so my suggestion is to go the "live" route and try to meet women through your daily activities and friends.

The plans you wrote about sound great, in my opinion this is the way to go.

[Ms Darcy]

You need to stop online dating. You have too many expectations.

[musicman777]

Greta, thanks for your input on eharmony matches. I knew it sounded phony. I have decided that I am NOT joining eharmony.

 

Darcy, I was always a skeptic of online dating. I bashed it for several years. I only signed up because my sister encouraged me to. And now I got overly confident in the system because I had one date out of it. I think I'm just gonna let it go again as I did last time. It took a month for the last girl to come around and maybe someone will come my way as well. After me 3mo subscription is up I'm not renewing. I'm not giving up on finding someone, but I'm sick of the online dating.

[Ms Darcy]

Avoiding online dating is a good plan for you.

[musicman777]

Hey everyone, it's me again! I have a moderately funny update for some of you regarding match.com that have been following this thread. Basically, I got VERY fed up with the enormous lack of interest, messages, and so forth on the website. I mean, I barely get any profile views, likes, or anything really. And the zero response rate. Obviously I opted to not sign back up once my subscription expired.

I decided to make a fake female profile with a willing participants photo. It is a VERY average looking female. I put a mediocre image of her in a jacket outside with only one picture, not the most attractive lady in the world. I filled out a bogus and laughable three paragraph profile. I even put absolutely ridiculous things in my profile, such as that I owned a pet turtle named Adolf, a pet rattlesnake named Lenin, and a pet squid named Squidward. I put I have a mediocre, low income job and even a boring username and headline.

 

First and foremost, I did a search. To make a long story short; I would say at LEAST 70% of the people on match in my area/city are men. There is at least a 1/4 girl/guy ratio, if not much higher. When I search for a woman in a 50 mile radius I get under 900 results, and I would say only a couple hundred are active, and removing things like religion and height yield me tens of results. When I searched for men on my fake account, there were over 2,000+ profiles of men on the website.

I left my fake profile go overnight. Some 8~ hours later, I have an email, 30 profile views, several winks and likes, and the works. An average looking female with pets named after communist dictators and I have all this attention. I even put my favorite dinner as red lobster and I wouldn't be surprised if someone offered to take me there! LOL

 

I mean, I paid over $30 for "top spot" credits on my normal profile and did NOT get this amount of attention whatsoever. So clearly, any guys questioning the online dating scene, what they say is correct. It is a brutal, absolutely BRUTAL, unfair game in numbers. I don't exactly know WHY, but even if you look like George Clooney you are just another face in an enormous smorgasbord of men. Maybe this isn't everywhere in the world, but my city, it's like there is a shortage of women! Women don't even have to search and they can window shop for the perfect man on this site. I don't think anyone will ever message me out of the blue. And I bet a decent looking woman can probably get a free dinner every night if she wanted to through this website, it is absolutely ridiculous.

Although I got a really good laugh out of this experiment, I am 100% unequivocally done with Match.com after seeing this. This is absolutely shocking. I think it's a miracle I got a single date out of this with these statistically significant numbers. If I figure out how, I will post a link to the fake profile if anyone wants a good laugh later. Regardless, I'm definitely going to have to come up with a new idea/strategy.

[Batya33]

I don't find that amusing because it was hard enough to respond to real profiles without having to deal with people just playing around on the site.

[LoveSoDeep]

Well of course your female profile got more action. Whether we like it or not women are more passive in dating in general. They expect men to do the initiating. So if there are more men on the site and they are messaging even the most average of women why would they be going against the grain to message you? Think about it. Yes, there are women who don't care and will message a guy first but most of them won't.

 

Not that I'm a proponent of OLD (I'm really not) but if you want it to work you have to work at it. Sorry no free rides.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't find that amusing because it was hard enough to respond to real profiles without having to deal with people just playing around on the site.

 

I don't find it amusing either for the same reason as well as the implication that the OP is "better" than the willing, "average looking" girl.

 

You keep banging on about online dating when people have told you again and again it's not your only option.

[musicman777]

Well sorry you all don't find it funny, but myself, friends, and family thought it was hilarious. It's just a simple experiment and I'm a prankster. I'm not leaving this up for months to screw with dozens of people just looking for someone like I am. No, I'm not "banging on" about it Ms Darcy, I'm knocking the vase over on the way out.

 

My fake profile, I pretty much put I am a communist woman and things. And these men are religiously messaging it, a below-average single picture. It's just insane. The men on here are flat out desperate and will settle for almost anyone. I'm above that, unfortunately I'll never get to show my real side because I am just another face in the crowd to the women on these websites.

 

LoveSoDeep, I agree with what you said but that doesn't discard the fact that there are just too many men on these websites. The scarier part of this is what my odds are OFF of this website now. Time to start looking at the numbers... they say there is "someone out there for everyone". That may not be the case whatsoever.

[Rosti87]

If there are more men on these websites than more women choose alternative options for finding a man over OLD. I could be wrong but I would think that men who normally don't have access to certain types of women have more opportunity to pursue online than IRL.

 

I know couples who have met online where the woman is a high end professional and her man has a lower paying job in an industry that has primarily people with lesser education and achievement. Nothing wrong with this, but without online apps this would not be all that prevalent.

[Ms Darcy]

The fact that you don't see the implicit cruelty of your experiment is a little troubling.

[Batya33]

It doesn't matter if only one person responded -you wasted that person's precious free time by posting a fake profile. That is why the sites remove profiles like that and ban people who put them on. You proved nothing - many of those men just randomly click on profiles when they're bored (women likely do the same thing) and for all you know many of those people are women who are curious (and have fake male profiles) or people who are just doing a free trial.

 

I hope you find it hilarious someday when you respond to a fake profile and find out you've been misled and wasted your time.

[Striker0602]

Yeah, I could have told you that women get all the attention and dont have to message men. Online dating takes our usual way (since how often has a past interest of yours approached you? Not saying it doesnt happen, but personally, I make the first move, always) and makes it easier to find more people. I personally am taking a hiatus from online dating, and trying out the "old fashioned" way. Im 30, in shape, I am in no way ugly, and have a great job. Not only that, but im pretty awesome! ... well I think I am. Point being, online, patience is as important as IRL. I was on match for 6months last year. The day it was about to take it self down (since I hadnt planned on renewing) I received a reply from a woman who I messaged 2 weeks prior. We dated for nearly a year, and she was wonderful, even if oblivious to how relationships work (aaand thats the bitterness speaking!). Anyhow, my point is that behind all of the objectifying, and shallowness behind online dating, patience will serve you best. Especially at 25, chill man, youll have plenty of time to hate dating in the coming years! Travel, have fun, round out yourself. The right person will appreciate that, they wont appreciate that you spent any amount of time in your 20s making sure that women get more attention from men than men get from women.... Wreaks of bitterness.

[Striker0602]

Though for the record, I totally understand the hatred of online dating, it can be brutal out there!