#freethenipple… What do I do?

[superfan]

I believe wholeheartedly in the "freethenipple" campaign and thankfully live in a province where it is completely legal to walk down the street topless.

 

Despite the legality of it however, the social aspect of it is still what "punishes" women the most. Recently at a local festival downtown in the park of the city I live in, a young woman decided to stage a "nipple party" there in an effort to remove the sexual stigma of the female nipple. Again, I should re-iterate that what she was doing has been legal since 1998.

 

However, despite it being legal, it is not something that has been done really at all because of the backlash that women have faced for doing it. The moment she announced her intention on social media (and encouraged others to join her), she was hit with a barrage of negativity from everyone starting with random people on facebook to the local news media and everyone in between.

 

The names she was called and the accusations hurled at her were pretty awful so it's no wonder that even though it's legal, most women don't do it. I was 100% in support of it, but I was in the minority.

 

Given the fact that it is not legal where you live I wouldn't suggest she do something like that out in public where she could get arrested and doing it at a party where people are already likely pretty intoxicated is probably not going to achieve the political statement she wants to achieve.

 

What about online activism? Or working to actively change the topless law where you live? Would you be comfortable going WITH her to a nude beach?

 

I can understand not being comfortable with her walking around without her top on at a party but consider the reason WHY that is....so many men are fed breasts as sexual objects by the media on a daily basis that women's bodies have become something heavily objectified.

 

I don't know that she is necessarily an awful attention seeker as others have suggested, but rather it simply sounds like she (and you) are young and she isn't sure how to go about voicing herself politically in a way that will achieve real change. She wants the shock value of it but in a way that is unlikely to garner actual results.

 

It also sounds like she respects that you are uncomfortable with the idea of it and has agreed to stay covered up for your sake which shows respect for the relationship and a willingness to compromise.

 

Sit down with her and actively discuss other ways you could help her get her point accross. I think if she sees you are just as engaged on the subject as she is then you will be able to find a solution that works for both of you.

[Doc Blaze]

i would be more concerned about the attention she seeks...

[pippy longstocking]

It just doesn't make any sense to me at all ... our breasts our nipples , well they are part of our sexuality and I don't really understand why women want to change it ...

 

There are so many other things in this world that need liberating and a nipple isn't one of them.

[pippy longstocking]

i would be more concerned about the attention she seeks...

 

exactly ...this is what it is about

[pippy longstocking]

Please men

 

don't get any fancy ideas about freeing the bell end will you dear god

[superfan]

It just doesn't make any sense to me at all ... our breasts our nipples , well they are part of our sexuality and I don't really understand why women want to change it ...

 

There are so many other things in this world that need liberating and a nipple isn't one of them.

 

 

They are part of our womanhood, and an organ designed to feed children, but they are definitely different than a man's penis or a woman's vagina. Both of those organs are designed to aid in procreation and while I am not saying that men shouldn't enjoy looking at a woman's breasts, they do not serve a sexual function - society has given them that function.

 

Men are able to take their shirts off in public however and whenever they like without facing a huge backlash from society. Lenny Kratitz has his penis accidentally show on stage and the media barely bats an eye. Janet Jackson has a "nip slip" however and she has to public ally apologize and is ostracized for it.

 

This is one of the main reasons so many women find it difficult to breast feed in public. A nipple shouldn't make people "uncomfortable" on a woman but be perfectly acceptable for a man. A man's bare chest can be pleasing to look at too, so why the double standard?

[Batya33]

I agree with Tvnerdgirl to the extent of her suggestion that your gf think of alternative ways to support this particular cause without going topless. That will also give you valuable information - because going topless is far less of a support IMO than volunteering time to, let's say, publicizing why the movement exists, its goals, how it will help feminism, etc. When she goes topless she's simply one person showing her nipples and if it's at a party most people won't know why.

[BigKK]

So the next time I see a girl in fishnets at a music festival I should appreciate that she is making a step for feminism and a statement, and in fact she is an activist. I shouldn't confuse this behavior with attention seeking or trying to bolster one's ego?

 

I agree it CAN change perceptions...but I guess I might be missing the point...and have my doubts about all the girl's mindsets.

[journeynow]

Is she exposing her nipples in a setting where it is common for men and children to be exposing theirs? Around here people don't tend to go around topless unless they are swimming, sunbathing, working in their yards. But doing it to prove a point, or draw attention to the issue, or holding a special event doesn't strike me as desexualizing, but more like sensationalizing.

 

Interesting, though, it has been done with women's ankles, calves, knees, thighs, arms, shoulders… So maybe it will happen with nipples. (I almost said "breasts" but realize it's down to nipples.) We are almost there, anyway.

[browneyedgirl36]

I don't think the issue is so much with whether nipples are sexual or not sexual, but rather her motivation for exposing them. Like many of the responders on here, I call b.s. on her whole feminism thing, and I'm reasonably certain it's for attention. Why? Because if it were really a feminism thing, she'd be doing it at a rally, protest, etc. -- NOT at parties where people are drinking and carousing. If she were really trying to be an activist, she'd choose a different setting.

 

Thus, I think the issue here is why she feels the need to draw attention to her body and whether or not you want to stick around and watch her do it.

[mhowe]

Free the nipple...-now all I can picture is a yard full of free range nipples, like chicken only nipples.

[IAmFCA]

Hmmm.... I am not sure I want to assign motivation to her. I sort of get where she is coming from. Its a bit like, as long as I keep going along with convention, then I am complicit in it. It is not authentic to me; I will be authentic to me. Being a woman can sometimes lead to a desire to act out, to boldly exercise one's free will. In me, this urge eventually softened.

 

The funny thing is, I don't like it when men have their shirts off either. (Well... I liked it when my hot-chested guy was shirtless and I happened upon him on a run....) As my parenthetical phrase indicates, I can sexualize men same as men sexualize women. I'd just as soon we both keep our shirts on, thank you.

 

Be that as it may, in terms of dealing with your gf's desire to let the nips out: If you would prefer she not, then stick to it and ignore her pouting. If you can rationalize it, then realize this: pervs are checking her out anyway, all day long no matter what she wears. Once we start worrying about pervs looking at us, we are boxed in, burdened by everyone else's thoughts. We can't control what you (they) are thinking, yet we are supposed to change how we look and act to prevent you from thinking it. That is ridiculous. Lets the pervs be responsible for being pervs. Let your gf be responsible for attracting attention, which may not always be good. And if you ever feel like it may create a safety issue, then step in. Safety first.

[itsallgrand]

What you are really talking about is a boundary issue in the relationship for you. You are not comfortable with your gf showing her nips in public at drinking parties where there are a lot of men there looking for a good time.

Seems perfectly reasonable to me. And doesn't make you a misogynist pig in the least.

You are not trying to control her nor tell her what to do - you simply told her what you are comfortable with in this relationship. That is fair.

And she seems to be respecting it. So all good, right?!

 

If she keeps bringing it up, you can mention how you spoke of it already and change the topic. You could use the suggestion of exploring other routes of achieving the goal.

If she is disappointed and really hung up on this idea, and she wants to go through with it, there is nothing you can do. She'll do it if she really wants.

And if it ever comes to that, you just let her know what that would mean for you. If she crosses that line, what would you do?

 

Some people simply enjoy pushing boundaries. And sometimes it goes over into their close relationships; they will try and push and push. The more you acquiesce, the further they will try and take it.

If this is as far as you want to go as far as moving your boundaries and comfort zone, as it seems you've moved those a lot in order to be with her, then you should let her know that. This is it. This is what I am comfortable with. More public nudity, more men, more whatever - would be too much for me.

[ThatwasThen]

The moment she announced her intention on social media (and encouraged others to join her), she was hit with a barrage of negativity from everyone starting with random people on facebook to the local news media and everyone in between.

The "barrage" was because she wanted to make a big deal out of it and have everyone join her. Most women that have gone topless just do it and there is nothing said and there is no negativity. She, like the Op's g/f was just an attention seeker.

 

I remember we were in Kingston for a weekend get away one summer and one of the most beautiful women I think I've ever seen that wasn't famous roller bladed past us in the park just wearing a pair of denim cut-offs and no top. Made the hubbies day lol and I even pointed her out to him because he was looking the other way. No one batted an eyelash, called her a name or even paid all that much attention to her, actually. She had a fantastic tan.

 

I had to laugh at a local cop in another city who told one girl put a top on because it was illegal to go around like that and he would charge her with "indecent exposure." It's been legal for women to go out topless here (as was mentioned) for 10 years now.

[IAmFCA]

To IAG's point:

 

Pushing boundaries habitually is a passive aggressive act and/or a codependent act, wherein a person is dependent on someone else to be responsible for himself or herself. I would not want the job of setting boundaries for her. Let her set them for herself, and you set yours as befits you.

[nate198]

I really appreciate the turn this thread has made. Much less naming and labeling of my girlfriend. The reason, however, that I did bring this to the internet was, in fact, to see all the ways others would respond to this. I appreciate all the posts, even the ones that made my heart recoil a little. I have tried to keep in mind this entire time that labeling supporters of the feminist, FreetheNipple campaign is common among those who don't support it or are shocked by it. Whether these posts were deep down motivated about the movement or more about her as an individual is unknown to me, but I have tried my best to keep an open mind to all sides and opinions of this conversation.

 

In general, however, I would say that the ones that made me feel the best were from individuals who apparently support the FreetheNipple movement and did not label my gf as an attention-seeker, or at least validated both our points of view. A few of these posts felt quite hostile towards her, basically voicing my deepest darkest fears where my girlfriend is a skanky flirty girl and I'm a total naive tool, and I was very freaked out when I read them.

 

Seeing her again today brought me back down to the reality of our relationship, where she's totally amazing and she faithfully loves me more than these cool guys we meet at parties.

 

I would like to say, her "habits," I guess you could say, with men at parties is an issue that we have both given much ground on and worked very hard to achieve a common ground on over the years. It is to a point where I do feel pretty comfortable with it. Her need or desire to be noticed by other men is at a state where I can live with it, and she has learned to respect my boundaries in that way, and I'm always nearby when she's giving out her number. Oddly enough, many times these guys have even proven to be good friends for both of us.

 

Thank you all for the posts, I have learned a lot from all of them, and I feel that I have bettered myself from them, all of them. I'm not discouraging you all from continuing to post your opinions, but I would like to take a moment to thank all that have contributed.

[IAmFCA]

OP, I applaud you on writing a thoughtful, meaningful post. I have recoiled from posts directed at me in years past, and lacked your grace at those times. No wonder the two of you are able to forge your own path.

 

I wanted to tell you I have a friend whom everyone I know finds distasteful. I know why. He is a loud talker, he is ridiculously smart and accustomed to explaining things to others which can make him boorish, and he is proud of certain things about himself that others can't bear to even think about. But I appreciate him, because he is whipsmart, he is vanguard, he challenges all he learns and forms his own opinion. He loves me because he sees in me what is special, and he brooks my corrections and criticisms without defense. He and his wife live a life that is like few others. I am grateful for the changemakers.

 

It is not easy. And sometimes when we want to change things, we yell. Your gf is yelling when she refuses to comply with commonly held standards of presentation and behavior. Sometimes, the audience we want to reach recoils when change comes on so strong. Nobody likes being yelled at. OTOH the yellers make way for incremental change to follow, because it seems so mellow in comparison.

 

Your gfs path need not be yours, but your public behavior will reflect on and impact each other, the friends you make and retain, and the chaos you attract or repel.

 

Good on you both for being a team.

[Lady Amalthea]

As I have read through these posts, I had a few thoughts.

 

#1 I do not think men have any problem freeing the nipple. As far as I have ever known men have always loved nipples, unless you were un-attractive, and the biggest haters of women showing their nipples were other women. No woman wants their man staring at another woman's nipples, breasts, butt, legs (or anything) with a sexual desire if his eyes are for her body only. So freeing the nipple to de-sexualize it in the eyes of men will never work. Someone posted earlier that the nipple was not a sex organ but that it has been sexualized by society. So what? So is the butt, yet men are still attracted to a nice rear (women too). De-sexualization is not going to occur through over stimulation, all that is going to produce is a unhealthy expectation that the guy should be allowed to gaze at a part of a woman body because it isn't taboo, and guys are going to start harassing women to to show them more nipples because "hey, its all good now, whip 'em out"

 

#2 I am not a lesbian so I do not have a girlfriend saying she wants to show other people her nipples, so I am going to use a scenario where it was my daughter (because I care about her and what happens to her) If she told me she wanted to free the nipple in front of a group of boys and it was a part of some liberation I would probably do my next suggestion.......I would ask to take a picture of her chest and say I want to show it to all of the guys I know in order to desensitize them to her nipples. If she said NO WAY then it was never about the movement, she just wanted guys she liked to look at her body and see her as open minded and into sexual liberation. If she said Yes to the picture, then I would take her more seriously and ask more questions in order to support her better, maybe find a safer venue.

 

#3 If you like her support her, but any relationship should have healthy boundaries and communication. She is not a reward that you have earned, but neither should you be a stepping stone until she is done with you and moves on. Your individuality is what makes you special, and what attracted her to you in the first place. If you have undergone so many radical new changes and don't offer any resistance she might get bored and forget why she liked you in the first place, and then move onto the next challenge.

 

#4 New guys in her life just might be new challenges she wants to conquer.

 

Best of luck to you!

[Lucia Amman]

Being topless is only by our western society being sexualized. I can not stand it that showing my breast or nipples is considered 'indecent' and 'provocative' or 'seeking for attention'. What a total BS. I have made a lot of photographs of my naked body and not one is made for sexual attention. I've stand naked on the beach my whole child life, as my mother has stand naked with me. She sunbathed topless when it was still considered the norm but twenty years later and now it is thought of as 'attention seekers'. I hate, truly hate, how this all went down the drain apparently.

 

I'm glad we still can go to the sauna or some naked beaches. NO ONE looks at you in the sauna or said beach. Everyone is equal. Do the indigenous tribes of Africa look at female breasts the way we do? No not ever. They see it as where they are made for: breastfeeding children. We're designed this way. We don't need bra's: we made them up. Sure I do like how it helps my breast looking younger. But that's it. If I go swimming I'm not doing it to look nice - like what I try to do when I'm wearing an evening dress. So why can't I go topless like men do for a good few decades. Up until 1936 it was illegal for men to go topless to the beach. Can you phantom on how far behind women breast are now from this?!

 

I too don't particularly like it to see men go topless. Most often times it's quite distasteful. But that's more a matter of personal preference and not something that society is depicting to be distasteful. We don't think if those men as attention seekers. Maybe a show off but we laughingly let him have it. Why can't we let us women have it too? Not everyone has to do it, it just should get socially accepted.

 

I'm shocked how many people called his girlfriend an attention seeker and that she would only merely do it for that. She as an attention seeker for the cause. Not for the sexuality. I think you totally miss the point if you think she seeks male attention. She seeks female attention: ‘Look girls, we ALL have breasts, it's ok; I'm not being raped on the spot because I show them off.’

 

End of rant.

[Cheetarah]

I wish I could like this 20 times.

[Doc Blaze]

you kinda contradicted yourself but hey whatever floats your boat and works for you...if you can handle it...then the best for you guys.

[Doc Blaze]

OP stated she was doing this having a need to have mens attention

 

"Her need or desire to be noticed by other men is at a state where I can live with it"

 

 

FYI i have a degree in art..ive had drawing classes where i had to draw naked women...

its not weird..nude itself is not weird...motivate behind what you are doing is what i look for.

[Lucia Amman]

FYI i have a degree in art..ive had drawing classes where i had to draw naked women...

its not weird..nude itself is not weird...motivate behind what you are doing is what i look for.

 

But Why do women need a motivation for it? Why is it free for men to go to topless without giving any motivation for it? Double standards.

 

end btw Even if she was seeking some attention from men and the OP is alright with this: then why would any of us have the right to say she is doing wrong?

 

I cannot really grasp why it's wrong or not ok for any women to get some male attention. I'm sure a lot of men who go topless try to aim for the same goal. It doesn't directly mean you're going for the full score board and you want to have sex. It's just attention/attraction/flirting. A little bit of flirting doesn't hurt. As long as it is in the boundaries of their relationship I don't see the problem.

[ThatwasThen]

I cannot really grasp why it's wrong or not ok for any women to get some male attention.

Well, I can't speak for every woman, but I myself get far more satisfaction from getting my attention from being the person I am and not because of my sexual wiles. One can look attractive and sexy without showing body parts to men other then our Significant others. Afterall; what would make them "significant" if everyone was enjoying such things? I'd say that Its not wrong to get some male attention. Its simply judged on how you (the general you) go about getting it and why you need to continue getting it while in a committed relationship when we all know that as humans, we love possessively.

[Lucia Amman]

I don't love possessively. My boyfriend can do whatever he wants.

 

And I agree on very much: I love to get attention because of who I am and not on how I look. That doesn't mean I don't like to be looked at though. Or that I look down on women that like that kind of attention. I'm just asking why it's considered wrong if her boyfriend is ok with it and they talked this through.

 

And yes, i truly hope the female breast/nipple parts are going to be considered as normal as a naked male breast. And yes it would loose some of it's sexual appeal by that. But not all. To be fair: some of ladies love to look at a naked men breast and some don't. And some naked men breast are attractive and some aren't. That it is general accepted doesn't make the fetish/appeal to it go away.