Out with OLD and in with....older. Or....Matchmakers, why not?

[LoveSoDeep]

Well he did text me.

 

He said "Hey! So my best friend from [back home in the mid-west] is in town for the next two weeks so I'm pretty busy but hopefully we can hang out again sometime soon!"

 

So a few things....his use of the phrase "hang out" that's a little more GenY so it's showing his age but I don't have a problem with the phrase per se....only when it means I don't want anything serious....which it could but I don't know that yet....and it would be fine if that's what I wanted too.....of course we all know it's not.

 

First I read that and thought ugh 2 weeks....but then you know he said he was pretty busy but not that getting together was out of the question while his friend is here. So I guess we'll see.

 

My initial thought is to say that it's really awesome that his friend is here for that long...I mean good for him. I wish my best friend could come visit me for 2 weeks. Do I really want to wait 2 weeks for date #2....not really (probably shouldn't say that lol). So I guess my best play here is to say I'm sure we can figure something out and to let me know when he's ready for me to show him my favorite spots in my neighborhood.

[notalady]

I agree, I find that "hang out" is often used when the person has no /little intention of pursuing a serious relationship with me. It's a way of consciously or subconsciously toning it down from "a date" to "just hanging out" as if you're friends.

 

I think what you wanted to say in response to his message is fine. That puts the ball in his court to let you know if and when he wants to see you again.

[PH Suite]

Well he did text me.

 

He said "Hey! So my best friend from [back home in the mid-west] is in town for the next two weeks so I'm pretty busy but hopefully we can hang out again sometime soon!"

.

 

 

Utterly lame. If he thinks this is what passes as proper communication given the circumstances ... just date an adult.

 

To me he sounds lukewarm at best. Your proposed response is excellent if you maintain an interest.

[notalady]

On the topic of asking guys out, I just want to add that I've been the one asking to meet in person several times from online dating where I feel ready to meet but the guy hasn't suggested it (yet). In this instance, if I'm interested enough, I would ask. In fact, that was the case with current bf. We messaged for about two weeks and he said he is really enjoying getting to know me, and I said me too and I would like to get to know him more in person instead of online. He then set up a date immediately.

 

I don't see that as asking them out on a date, rather just taking the conversation from online to in person. I'm fine with initiating that and will waste less time and move on if they waffle about setting up a first meet.

[LoveSoDeep]

I agree, I find that "hang out" is often used when the person has no /little intention of pursuing a serious relationship with me. It's a way of consciously or subconsciously toning it down from "a date" to "just hanging out" as if you're friends.

 

I think what you wanted to say in response to his message is fine. That puts the ball in his court to let you know if and when he wants to see you again.

 

I know...I feel old that the phrase "hang out" bothers me a little....but it does it's just so casual. I think some people use it no matter what their intent. So who know but I'll be looking for more clues on intent now.

 

So I basically said "2 while weeks with your best friend....not gonna lie I'm jealous! I wish my BFF was here for 2 weeks! I definitely want to see you again so I'm sure we can figure something out. Let me know when you're free, it's my turn to show you around my favorite places!"

 

I threw in the part about definitely wanting to see him again just so there would be no question that if or when he asks (if I happen to be free) I'll probably say yes.

 

So for now I'm off to message really geeky guys on PoF....I mean that in the nicest possible way. I got a message from a statistician who seems nice.....I'm one step below a statistician now so we have that in common.

[LoveSoDeep]

Utterly lame. If he thinks this is what passes as proper communication given the circumstances ... just date an adult.

 

To me he sounds lukewarm at best. Your proposed response is excellent if you maintain an interest.

 

Haha! I wouldn't say it's utterly lame. Yes he could communicate more but if texting isn't his thing I'm not upset about that.

 

Yep this does seem somewhat lukewarm....but sometimes you like someone and life gets in the way if my BFF was here for 2 weeks he'd go on the back burner too. I mean I just met him and I've known her over 10 years...she wins my time and attention.

 

On the topic of asking guys out, I just want to add that I've been the one asking to meet in person several times from online dating where I feel ready to meet but the guy hasn't suggested it (yet). In this instance, if I'm interested enough, I would ask. In fact, that was the case with current bf. We messaged for about two weeks and he said he is really enjoying getting to know me, and I said me too and I would like to get to know him more in person instead of online. He then set up a date immediately.

 

I don't see that as asking them out on a date, rather just taking the conversation from online to in person. I'm fine with initiating that and will waste less time and move on if they waffle about setting up a first meet.

 

Oh well, I do that all the time. I give guys that little nudge to move things to IRL I don't think of that as asking them out. Asking a guy out is saying "I'm free on Saturday would you like to go for a drink" or whatever the date and activity of choice is. Saying you'd like to meet in person or giving your phone number before he asks.....I do that all the time and I don't think the failure rate too high with that.

[PH Suite]

Haha! I wouldn't say it's utterly lame. Yes he could communicate more but if texting isn't his thing I'm not upset about that.

 

Yep this does seem somewhat lukewarm....but sometimes you like someone and life gets in the way if my BFF was here for 2 weeks he'd go on the back burner too. I mean I just met him and I've known her over 10 years...she wins my time and attention.

 

I totally get that. I've no issue with it. The indefinite language chaps me. "Hey! So [...] pretty busy but hopefully we can hang out again sometime soon!" Is that how you impress and woo an attractive, educated, adult professional woman? Not in my world. I'd expect better from a 14-year-old.

 

Your response, in contrast, is great - adult yet friendly, and very definite. You seem to be on a higher level in general.

[LoveSoDeep]

I totally get that. I've no issue with it. The indefinite language chaps me. "Hey! So [...] pretty busy but hopefully we can hang out again sometime soon!" Is that how you impress and woo an attractive, educated, adult professional woman? Not in my world. I'd expect better from a 14-year-old.

 

Your response, in contrast, is great - adult yet friendly, and very definite. You seem to be on a higher level in general.

Aw, thanks.

 

I get what you're saying but trust me if I wrote off every guy who wasn't the most eloquent communicator via text message....I'd never have another date again. When talking in person I think his level of conversation is good - I enjoy talking to him. If he wasn't any better at communicating in person we never would have gone on date one since the first time we met, it was all about the conversation.

 

I look at it this way at least he said something...and its an excuse I can totally understand. so I'm gonna give him this one but I'm not going to sit around just waiting I will be actively looking for other opportunities.

[notalady]

I don't think PH was referring to his eloquence, rather his ambivalence in his message regarding setting up another date is not "how you impress and woo an attractive, educated, adult professional woman".

[Batya33]

On the topic of asking guys out, I just want to add that I've been the one asking to meet in person several times from online dating where I feel ready to meet but the guy hasn't suggested it (yet). In this instance, if I'm interested enough, I would ask. In fact, that was the case with current bf. We messaged for about two weeks and he said he is really enjoying getting to know me, and I said me too and I would like to get to know him more in person instead of online. He then set up a date immediately.

 

I don't see that as asking them out on a date, rather just taking the conversation from online to in person. I'm fine with initiating that and will waste less time and move on if they waffle about setting up a first meet.

 

I asked men to meet in person. I wasn't asking him on a date -I was asking to meet to see if we should go on a date. When a man asked me to meet in person I never thought he was asking me out on a date- we'd never met! I did it for the same reasons.

[Batya33]

No "waiting" -once there is no other date planned the guy needs to be off your radar IMHO - sure, if he calls and asks you out then he's back on the radar, welcomed back. That will really help you be even more open to meeting other guys.

 

I'm really glad you showed interest in such a genuine and positive way - that also helps you feel reassured that he's not "waiting" for you to ask him out.

[Batya33]

I would take that as a brush-off, sorry. If he wanted to see you again on a date he would have made a plan in advance if it was really so crucial that he not make any plans without his BFF for the entire 2 weeks -really, his BFF is not going to do anything on his own or with other friends? Still -he definitely would have closed the deal even if he had to say "how about two weeks from Saturday and as it gets closer we'll firm up a time/place. I wouldn't even respond as if he were trying to make a plan. I get messages like that from people I am getting to know in my new city and after I receive that the ball is in her court (and I am happy to make an actual plan whenever if that's the first time, if it's not a regular pattern) -I don't waste my time responding other than "sounds good!"

 

It's not about eloquence or semantics -I think his message is clear. Sure he might call in the future but if he's willing to let all this time go by and leave you with a "hang out soon" take it as a person you meet saying "wow great to run into you -busy these days but we'll have to get coffee sometime!"

 

I'll add the "at least he said something" is true-he texted you - but he said nothing relevant about seeing you again on a date.

[LoveSoDeep]

I don't think PH was referring to his eloquence, rather his ambivalence in his message regarding setting up another date is not "how you impress and woo an attractive, educated, adult professional woman".

 

Maybe....but honestly is it so bad that he wants to be a good friend? We've been on one date and met in person twice. I probably shouldn't be more important than a lifelong friend he hasn't sen in 2 years. And it's a text message not a novel....he said what he needed to say he's going to be rather busy for 2 weeks but hopes we can see each other soon. That's all maybe that means I'll never see him again....who knows. But he could have just left me hanging for 2 weeks and said nothing. It's not the best possible scenario, I get that and I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket. Had he not contacted em at all he might be out of the running but for now he's got a chance.

 

I asked men to meet in person. I wasn't asking him on a date -I was asking to meet to see if we should go on a date. When a man asked me to meet in person I never thought he was asking me out on a date- we'd never met! I did it for the same reasons.

 

Yep. I agree asking a guy from OLD if he'd like to meet in person is not the same as asking on a date.

 

No "waiting" -once there is no other date planned the guy needs to be off your radar IMHO - sure, if he calls and asks you out then he's back on the radar, welcomed back. That will really help you be even more open to meeting other guys.

 

I'm really glad you showed interest in such a genuine and positive way - that also helps you feel reassured that he's not "waiting" for you to ask him out.

 

Oh, I'm not waiting. Trust me! I'm back at on OLD and looking for a good meet-up for the weekend. If he contacts me again and I happen to be free, okay sure but if not hey we had one nice evening and he's not being a total jerk so I'll just look at the positive and say at least I got to try out a new part of town.

 

Exactly! That's why I did it. Ball is in his court now, and I know he's going to be busy so I'm going to get busy doing my own thing.

 

I would take that as a brush-off, sorry. If he wanted to see you again on a date he would have made a plan in advance if it was really so crucial that he not make any plans without his BFF for the entire 2 weeks -really, his BFF is not going to do anything on his own or with other friends? Still -he definitely would have closed the deal even if he had to say "how about two weeks from Saturday and as it gets closer we'll firm up a time/place. I wouldn't even respond as if he were trying to make a plan. I get messages like that from people I am getting to know in my new city and after I receive that the ball is in her court (and I am happy to make an actual plan whenever if that's the first time, if it's not a regular pattern) -I don't waste my time responding other than "sounds good!"

 

It's not about eloquence or semantics -I think his message is clear. Sure he might call in the future but if he's willing to let all this time go by and leave you with a "hang out soon" take it as a person you meet saying "wow great to run into you -busy these days but we'll have to get coffee sometime!"

 

I'll add the "at least he said something" is true-he texted you - but he said nothing relevant about seeing you again on a date.

 

You're right it might be a bit of a brush off.....but of all the options it's kind of the middle of road. He's not all over me (which can be overwhelming), he's not ignoring me, I'm okay with this middle of the road approach right now. It was just one date it's not like he's my bf and he's acting wishy-washy. Was this the best possible response, no....but I'm not stressing over it.

[Rosti87]

I think he is somewhere in the middle. He does not appear to be on a mission for a relationship (I recall that he was someone's wingman at the meetup). Probably just wants to date and probably has more than one option. It is more a noncommittal let's hang out when it is convenient to both of us.

[Batya33]

I don't think he's ignoring you at all. I don't think he is interested in going on another date with you. That can change. He might be interested in keeping you on the hook as a back-up plan. Even if he was out of town and physically could not see you I'd have the same reaction to what he wrote but it's even more apparent since he is in town.

 

I had a 7-year on and off relationship with a guy who was into me from the beginning. The time span between the third and fourth (or maybe fourth and fifth) date was long because I think one of us was out of town for awhile, one or both of us had intense work deadlines - but we kept in touch. One day he called and said, directly, that we should see each other that night for dessert (the only time we could meet, only for an hour) because he didn't want more time to pass between dates especially since we'd just started dating. That is a person who is sincerely interested.

 

Of course he shouldn't be all over you. And of course if he wants to see you and not have you get snapped up by some other guy he should have a plan in place, even if his best friend is monopolizing his time for 2 weeks.

[LoveSoDeep]

I think he is somewhere in the middle. He does not appear to be on a mission for a relationship (I recall that he was someone's wingman at the meetup). Probably just wants to date and probably has more than one option. It is more a noncommittal let's hang out when it is convenient to both of us.

 

Exactly he's somewhere in the middle. I don;t know for sure he was only there to be a wing-man. I know he came with another guy but I don't know who's idea it was to go. However it was specifically an event where the idea was to come out of it with a date....the event host instructed the guys to get phone numbers and set up dates. We even joked after how good our date was that she should add things like "be sure take a walk along the waterfront and help a drunk guy get home" to her instructions. Anyways he very well might have other options....but you know what....SO DO I. Neither one of us has to be fully prepared to be all in right now. For the way this started and the way it has gone I'm okay with this level of commitment or maybe I should say this level of non-commitment. If I wanted or expected more I'd be setting myself up for disappointment. Sometimes things start off slow....sometimes fast....Sometimes they end slow....sometimes fast. At this point I can only be content that is started at all and go with the flow with no real expectations.

 

I don't think he's ignoring you at all. I don't think he is interested in going on another date with you. That can change. He might be interested in keeping you on the hook as a back-up plan. Even if he was out of town and physically could not see you I'd have the same reaction to what he wrote but it's even more apparent since he is in town.

 

I had a 7-year on and off relationship with a guy who was into me from the beginning. The time span between the third and fourth (or maybe fourth and fifth) date was long because I think one of us was out of town for awhile, one or both of us had intense work deadlines - but we kept in touch. One day he called and said, directly, that we should see each other that night for dessert (the only time we could meet, only for an hour) because he didn't want more time to pass between dates especially since we'd just started dating. That is a person who is sincerely interested.

 

Of course he shouldn't be all over you. And of course if he wants to see you and not have you get snapped up by some other guy he should have a plan in place, even if his best friend is monopolizing his time for 2 weeks.

 

I disagree if he had no interest at all in another date he would not have contacted me at all. At this point a fade would have been the perfect way to indicate zero interest in a another date. I think he's interested in seeing me again it's just not at the top of his priority list right now(maybe no where near the top). I've had times when dating was the last thing on my list....that's something that ebbs and flows in everyone.

 

So the bottom line is no I'm not his top priority right now and he's not going to be mine either. I'm fine with that because I have other things going on in my life.

 

I'm done worrying about it. If he contacts me again I'll let you all know. In the meantime I'm on to other things. Please, let me move on.

[thejigsup]

I disagree. When a man wants you, there is no hesitation. They will move mountains to get to know you. That is why I have no qualms about asking men for a date. Many of them LOVE when a woman takes the lead, it means you are their equal in interest and ego. Plus, they appreciate someone making the first move for once. Some don't, but I don't need those wimps. I never do ALL the calling. I never blow up a guy's phone or anything. I just call them up and ask if they'd like to go to dinner. I know, how horrible of me! Most accept and go on to date me for a long time. But my type of guy wants, needs, and respects, a strong woman. Any other kind of guy can go date the ladies who play by the "rules". Nothing wrong with that, but I can't be "that" woman who always asks herself, "did I turn him off? Is he offended or scared of me now?" Screw that.

[Batya33]

I think men are very flattered when they are asked out by women early on in dating. In my experience the men are flattered but do not choose those women for long term relationships (obviously with exceptions). I think it's really important to show enthusiasm and interest as a woman and I think that should be done in other ways other than asking the man out. I think the OP showed genuine interest and enthusiasm plus contacted him.

 

I don't agree that this guy has any real interest in taking you out on another date right now but this could change. He contacted you so that in case he wants to hang out in the future he didn't close off his options. I don't think he sees any future potential right now, just that hanging out with you again could be fun if he has time and feels like calling you, most likely last minute. Waste of time if you are looking for something potentially long term. Not a waste of time if you want to hang out casually or have a little fling. If you do, you should call him when his friend is not there and ask if he wants to hang out.

[itsallgrand]

Came to read an update. I like how you responded to his text.

 

So what else is new?

[LoveSoDeep]

Came to read an update. I like how you responded to his text.

 

So what else is new?

 

Thanks!

 

So I re-activated my PoF profile. I hadn't used it since I moved from the mid-west because in larger cities it has the tendency for being more for hook-ups. But I'm not really liking OKCupid and CmB has been a snoozer. Since I'm paying for the matchmaker thing I won't be paying for another a paid service anytime soon. So that leaves good ole PoF. Of course I'm getting what I usually get from PoF. lol

 

I sent out a couple e-mails to guys I thought I had a lot in common with who were at least generally my type....I think I sent 3 e-mails. I got one response. A self proclaimed geeky, math nerd(like me) who likes sports. He's pretty into The Lord Of the Rings type books and movies which I'm not at all, but hey everyone needs something that will be just "their thing." I just logged in to read a couple e-mails and noticed the message I thought I sent back to him last night wasn't in my out-box so I guess I need to re-do that one.

 

The messages I just read were an over-muscled bald guy with no shirt in his main pic who basically gave me S**t about my headline.....no thanks. And a very polite Asian guy who isn't looking for anything serious. No need to respond to those.

 

Since I told the matchmaker "thanks but no thanks" on the older short guy who wasn't very clear about his desire for children it might be a while before I hear from them again.

 

I looked for a meet-up this weekend but I won't have my car (I rent it out sometimes through RealyRides it's like airbnb for your car) and I'm trying not to spend too much extra cash....so it may be a long walks with the dog kind of weekend.

[LoveSoDeep]

Well, geeky PoF guy (and I mean geeky in a nice way) sent me a message last night that closed with "You seem interesting would you like to get a drink sometime?" I think we have enough in common that we'd at least have an enjoyable conversation over a drink or two, so this morning I responded agreeing to the drink and giving him my number so he can contact me to set that up. However, it's Thursday so I'm not going to set this up any earlier than Saturday if he contacts me today, and if he waits it might be early next week.

 

Other than that no real interesting messages last night. I updated my headline....after that one guy gave me a hard time about it I decided to just change it. I also updated my CmB profile just for fun. I added a pic of me wearing a silly hat at a baseball game with my little brother...then I realized people might think he's my ex because he's resting his chin on my shoulder in the pic so I added a comment under the "I appreciate when my date..." section that said "Doesn't jump to conclusions (the guy in that last pic is my little brother!)" It's fun to change things up and see if they make any difference...that's the geeky researcher in me coming out. lol

[missmarple]

What was that headline that made the guy give you a hard time??? Send me a private message if you don't want to write it here...yes, I am very curious, I admit...lol

[Fudgie]

I absolutely love nerds and that's all I date, for the most part. I am wishing you luck with him!

[LoveSoDeep]

What was that headline that made the guy give you a hard time??? Send me a private message if you don't want to write it here...yes, I am very curious, I admit...lol

 

I was trying to be cute with a baseball reference and it said something like "Strike 1! Caught you looking." Then I realized that maybe that left guys with a negative connotation thinking that just looking was a strike against them....when my profile clearly states that I know they've already looked at my pics or they wouldn't be reading and I hope they enjoy the read too. I'm just a realist....I know if they don't like the pics they won't even read the profile (and that's totally cool)....heck I'm the same way.

 

I absolutely love nerds and that's all I date, for the most part. I am wishing you luck with him!

 

Thanks. I'm not 100% sure that dating a nerd is right for me I'm kinda in the middle creative and outgoing on one hand but also pretty nerdy in my work life. But I'm not into a lot of the things that the nerdy types are really into....like games or Sci-fi...this guy is really into Lord of the Rings and honestly, I haven't even watched the first movie. hopefully we'll have enough other things in common so that can just be "his thing." He lso likes sports though so I think we can find a balance.

 

Oh another guy messaged me he lives over an hour away by ferry....that alone makes this a no but reading his profile he says his friend and family joke that he has CDO (OCD but with the letters in the correct order) ...and I'm thinking "This guy would hate me" I'm messy. I admit my desk is a mess of papers, my kitchen counter is covered in things I haven't gotten around to putting away(like 80% of the time there are a couple days when I clean up and the day after that it's looks nice lol)....I almost never get around to putting away clean laundry so I have clean clothes everywhere.....yeah I'd push him over the edge for sure! lol

[Fudgie]

It may or may not be for you, and that's okay. I think it's good that you're giving it a go. I have a lot of nerdy interests and I find that nerds fit me pretty well. I also find that they are a bit more laid back, very smart, able to put up with my messy self, etc.

 

I am with a nerd now and while we are both really into Star Wars and other things, I'm sad that he's not into Star Trek like I am. Can't have everything though, right? haha.