Out with OLD and in with....older. Or....Matchmakers, why not?

[LoveSoDeep]

Made it back from my date...or I should probably call it a first meet with the geeky guy. I literally can barely remember his name maybe that's not a great sign.

 

He didn't say one word about LOTRs, maybe because he knew other topics would be easier for us to talk about. We talked about sports and music and our life stories and how terrible OLD can be. lol He's better looking than in his pictures better physique than I expected. He did say a few things that led me to believe he thought I was okay looking as well. Things like "I'm sure you don't have trouble meeting people" etc. I'm not going to lie I kinda wish he hadn't brought up OLD and what I though about it because I wasn't going to lie about how I feel about OLD...and well, dating in general.

 

We set this "meet" for early evening because I thought I might have plans early tomorrow to do a 5K and then Octoberfest but I don't think I can do the run my knee just isn't feeling 100%. So at the ens of the date he asked if I was still doing the Octoberfest part and I said I'm not going to drink beer alone so it depends on if anyone wants to go with me (and that wasn't directed at him more like if my friends decide they want to go) and he said he would say he's go with me but he basically didn't wan to wear out his welcome spending too much time with me right away and I jokes and said "Oh, so you're pacing yourself?" and he said he was. We hugged on the street corner and he went one way to catch a bus and I went the other to walk home and that was it. No second date set up and no text afterward.

 

I did get a response from one of the other guys I messaged earlier this week. He seemed interesting and had a picture with a puppy just like my dog. Plus he said he had braces and I had braces in my 20s so I know its weird trying to date as an adult with braces. The dog was not his....which is actually good cause my dog is not so dog friendly, and the braces came off just recently hat was basically the jist of his e-mail lol. I don't want to respond on a Saturday night and make it look like I have no life so I'll respond tomorrow.

[Batya33]

Sounds like it was pleasant with What's His Name Again - at least there is that! I used to avoid OLD on Saturday nights too! Maybe your dog can call the matchmaker and get matched up with some dogs he clicks with? ;-)

[LoveSoDeep]

Sounds like it was pleasant with What's His Name Again - at least there is that! I used to avoid OLD on Saturday nights too! Maybe your dog can call the matchmaker and get matched up with some dogs he clicks with? ;-)

 

Thanks! Yeah we'll see. "What's his Name Again" may never contact me again for all I know.

 

Oh yeah I avoid even logging on on weekend night or late at night any night...it seems that's when the creeps come out.

 

HAHA, I'd be single forever! My dog hates pretty much all other dogs....maybe there's a matchmaker who will set her up with the men she likes....she'd go for that. She's boy crazy. lol

[LoveSoDeep]

Well, "What's his Name" texted me this evening. Basically just said he enjoyed meeting me yesterday and would I like to go out again. Very matter of fact but I suppose there's nothing wrong with that. We did have a nice time and good conversation. I didn't feel an instant spark but I know - at least for me- that can come over time. I'll tell him yes but I'm not going on more than one date a week with any one guy right now. I need to give myself time to think this all through.

[Batya33]

Maybe you could do a date-ette- meet him for a shorter time this week so that it doesn't feel like the second date that feels too much? That way you get to show interest (but not too much since you are on the fence) and get more information about the spark?

[LoveSoDeep]

Maybe you could do a date-ette- meet him for a shorter time this week so that it doesn't feel like the second date that feels too much? That way you get to show interest (but not too much since you are on the fence) and get more information about the spark?

 

Yeah, true I just don't want to spend to much time with any one guy while I'm trying to multi date or have more dates with one guy even if they are shorter. We'll see though because he said he wanted to go to this Italian restaurant. I think since we met on Saturday I should wait until this coming weekend for the date....maybe Friday. I'll have to wait and see what he proposes schedule wise.

 

I now have 2 other guys messaging me and who knows they may fade before we even meet but there's the braces guy and there's a guy who says he on the site as much to find friends for fun local activities that I'd like to try as much as for dating so I figure if there's no connection maybe we can be activity partners.....or maybe we'll really hit it off who knows.

[LoveSoDeep]

I hadn't heard from "what's his name" since he suggested Italian sometime. He also mentioned that he was stressing out over the football game and his team did lose, so I texted him today to ask if he had recovered from the loss yet. He said not yet those things stick with him for a bit....I'm like really? It's just a game! So I hope he was kidding...I know that's very possible it's hard to tell via text sometimes. Anyway he suggested a place near him on Friday. He said he could come pick me up or he told me he bus route that goes right there and that bus it literally 1/2 block from my place so I'm fine with taking the bus or an Uber, but we have to make it after 7 because traffic going that way is a mess right after work. So he said he would check to see when he could get a reservation...I think because it's a small place you need to do open table especially on the weekend.

 

And M (the young guy) messaged me and let me know he thinks he can probably make something work tomorrow or Wed. He does still have to work around his friend's schedule....maybe his friend is working while they are here. He said maybe I could join them for a late drink....not sure if that was if nothing else really worked out or if that was the most probable idea. Weeknights are pretty open for me so either night still works and I let him know that and said late night could be rough because I do have to work, but I could probably squeeze in a nap and make that work if I needed to and to let me know when he knows more. I'm more excited to see him...of the 2 guys....and I know he's only contacting me to set up dates which could mean he's got a full social calendar and maybe that's other women and maybe that's work and his fiend from out of town. I'm trying not to get too invested until I know for sure - and I like the answer I see.

[Batya33]

Sounds good -did you change your mind about having more than one date this week? I hope M follows through and I'm glad he is back in touch. I think it's totally fine that he's contacting you only to set up dates - much better than treating you like a chat buddy without being motivated to see you in person.

[LoveSoDeep]

Sounds good -did you change your mind about having more than one date this week? I hope M follows through and I'm glad he is back in touch. I think it's totally fine that he's contacting you only to set up dates - much better than treating you like a chat buddy without being motivated to see you in person.

 

I meant only one date per guy per week. I guess that wasn't very clear (in my mind it was lol) I just want to keep the number of dates fairly even among the different guys so one doesn't get a time advantage, for now.

 

You know M has been pretty good at following through so I'm with you, I hope he does, but I'm not all that worried that he won't. I agree I think all that texting all the time just makes it too easy to get attached to something too soon....and at that stage it is something you're attached to not someone. So it's actually a nice change. He's still wanting to see me and that's al I can ask for really.

 

So I might have a date tonight or tomorrow with M, and I have a date on Friday with "What's his Name" just waiting to pin down the time. Then I also have had a couple messages with braces guy and activity guy. Braces guy is usually slow to respond so I responded to his e-mail last night but he may not respond until tonight or tomorrow. Activity guy volunteered to be my tour guide so I jokingly (but not really) said he was hired and I told him what one of my favorite places to take people to is and asked what his go to is for out-of-towners. He responded with a full day of grilling kayaking and finishing up with a nice dinner downtown. We'll see if he takes a hint and actually invites me to do any of those things.

[LoveSoDeep]

! Really?

 

So I just got back to my desk after a quick restroom break seriously gone for 60 seconds and the message light on my phone is blinking.

 

It's a FB messenger message from my exes wife (who I have never liked or been friends with on FB or otherwise)! As far as I can tell since I haven't opened it it's just a thumbs up. The thing is to even send me a message she would have to look me up (i.e. stalk me). I have my settings set so anyone can message me in case someone wants to just say hello or whatever and isn't really into being FB friends.

 

Why does this get me so worked up? I just want nothing to do with her really....maybe I should block her but I dunno I feel that's a pretty childish thing to do. What's sad is she seems to do this kind of thing where there's trouble in her relationship with my ex....sad that she just keeps doing it because I had hoped someday he'd have a good relationship instead he gets endless drama. UGH.

[notalady]

Blocking is not childish. It's simply saying, I don't want to hear from this person, ever. If that's what you want then that's what you should do.

[LoveSoDeep]

Alright. Done ranting.

 

I started a separate thread for the whole ex issue. lol

 

Anyway....better topic: M texted me!

 

He says he's going out to dinner with his friend but they don't have plans after that. So either he can come over to my neighborhood an meet me for a drink or if he and his friend end up going out after dinner he can let me know where they are going and I can join them if I want. Of course I'd prefer to have time with him alone but you know every time I've seen him his friends have been around...planned or not and it's been fine. Also it's not a terrible sign that he wants me to meet more of his friends right?

 

So I'll say that works for me and then go and have a good time. Hopefully we can steal away at some point and have a little bit of time alone.

[LoveSoDeep]

Wow! When it rains it pours!

 

Tonight - Looking for a Whisky bar to meet M at 8ish.

 

Wed - Female friend from a meet-up has a ticket to the Soccer game. So I'm going to meet her at the game.

 

Friday - "What's his Name" has decided that since the Italian place doesn't take reservations we should switch it up to Sushi.

 

AND the matchmaker called! The broken leg guy is back on his feet. She asked about my availability for then next 4 weeks! Geesh. But it's a start.

[notalady]

Sounds like going to be fun times!

[LoveSoDeep]

Well, the date with M was wonderful but he's out of the running. I guess that simplifies things a bit.

 

We went out to have drinks and his friend from out of town joined us which was fine, he's a cool guy. We bonded talking about our dogs, lol.

 

I got my answer to the age question early in the the night his friend mentioned that they would both be turning 30 in Dec. So ugh younger than I thought, but man we just hit it off so well so I just ignored that. Age isn't why he's out of the running. We talked later in the evening about what we're looking for right now and he very openly said he's not looking for commitment of any kind right now. I think he actually said he was terrified at the thought of being responsible for someone else. I think he meant in the sense that he would have someone to answer to, include in everything and generally be worried about their happiness. I get that and of course those can be very valid feelings and fears. I'm not going to argue with that. He seemed like these fears came from being hurt in the past and he's just not ready to move past them....he said he wants to get to the point where he's not afraid but that's just not where he is now. Honestly I was impressed that he was so open and mature about it. I'm not sure I told him specifically what I want....but really it came down to we're very attracted to one another and eventually we'd want to have sex and I can't do casual sex....I'd feel very attached to him whether I wanted to or not...and my need for that kind of attachment would probably be the last thing he wanted so it just would have no chance at lasting. We also had a very deep conversation about his friend and how his friend has CP but in college they got in a car wreck and M was unable to walk for almost a year (so roles seemed reversed a little) and his buddy really carried him through that, I could tell their friendship was very deep and special. He's a good guy. He agreed it was an awesome 2 dates and we parted ways with no regrets.

 

This morning walking my dog I was thinking about all this...and I thought "What is wrong with me that I am so attracted to these guys who fear commitment?" Every time I have been just crushed by love it was a guy who couldn't bring himself to commit....kind of I think I know what it is. I'm attracted to their carefree independent nature....there's something about that carefree spirit that gets me every time. Maybe because I'm very laid back myself. I dunno.

 

I still need to answer messages from one of the PoF guys and the other hasn't responded to me yet....he could flake out but....I think I have a pretty full plate so I'm okay with that.

[Rosti87]

I personally think that anyone who lives the way he does is probably not looking for anything mainstream. I think even if he was ready the format he would seek would not be conventional.

 

It is good he has the self awareness not to mislead to a deadend.

[Batya33]

So, I think you had your answer from him before today, when he wasn't that into seeing you again -he was non-commital which is consistent with his general view. No worries that you went out on the date with him, just not surprised at his reaction. My only point is that since this brings you down to this extent I would avoid seeing men who you make excuses for like you did for him -that he was "too busy"/with his friend/not that into planning, etc. Be a little more selective so that you don't have to subject yourself to this situation. I'm all for dating practice but not if on balance it's going to bring you down.

 

I think a person can be very ready to commit and also carefree and independent. My husband for example hates to plan when he doesn't have to but was very focused on committing to me and our family. And, for example, since he loves to travel he knows he has to be more organized/less carefree about plane reservations/hotels, etc especially because there is a family involved. Laid back and invested in getting to know you with long term potential are perfectly consistent.

[LoveSoDeep]

I personally think that anyone who lives the way he does is probably not looking for anything mainstream. I think even if he was ready the format he would seek would not be conventional.

 

It is good he has the self awareness not to mislead to a deadend.

 

This is true he may never have a "mainstream" life plan....actually I'm okay with that. For years I wanted to be an actress and that's a totally non-mainstream lifestyle and I identify with people who choose that route. I wouldn't have a problem with that per se.

 

I agree I'm so grateful that he was self-aware and mature enough to just tell me the truth about what he wanted and I could tell it wasn't easy....it didn't just roll off his tongue you know...he really thought about it as we talked which was refreshing. I sent him a quick text today actually, just thanking him for being so open with me....I know it takes courage to to be vulnerable...he should be rewarded for that. He may not respond at all and that's okay I just wanted to voice my appreciation.

 

So, I think you had your answer from him before today, when he wasn't that into seeing you again -he was non-commital which is consistent with his general view. No worries that you went out on the date with him, just not surprised at his reaction. My only point is that since this brings you down to this extent I would avoid seeing men who you make excuses for like you did for him -that he was "too busy"/with his friend/not that into planning, etc. Be a little more selective so that you don't have to subject yourself to this situation. I'm all for dating practice but not if on balance it's going to bring you down.

 

I think a person can be very ready to commit and also carefree and independent. My husband for example hates to plan when he doesn't have to but was very focused on committing to me and our family. And, for example, since he loves to travel he knows he has to be more organized/less carefree about plane reservations/hotels, etc especially because there is a family involved. Laid back and invested in getting to know you with long term potential are perfectly consistent.

 

Yes, I think I had a hint that this could be the answer. Maybe there was a tad bit of denial going on but also I have this string need to give people the benefit of the doubt I can't write off every buys guy as not interested. I think for 1-2 dates his level of communication and interest were actually right on. I need to expect this and then just be happy if I happen to get more instead of expecting more and being disappointed.

 

I'm don't feel like this has brought me down at all. Maybe from what I have written here it seems that way but on the whole I feel pretty good about this whole experience. No regrets at all, no sadness. Somehow I was content with what it was....which is hard for me sometimes but I think I learned a lot and I'm happy with that.

 

Oh, yes I'm sure there are people out there who are carefree and also ready to commit....and I think M will get there someday....he's just not there now. He's young....i remember not being ready to be tied down when I was a few years younger than he is now. Funny that's how my age came up, I told him that I went through that phase when I was his age (after we had decided we would part ways)...and he was like "What do you mean, how old are you?" I said obviously older than he thinks and he started throwing out numbers, 32, 28,36,43....I stopped him and said well not 43! He laughed and said I didn't have to tell him but I said it's no big deal it's just a number but it does explain a little bit why we're in different stages with what we want. He said I didn't look my age at all....which is always nice to hear.

 

Now I can focus on other things.

[Batya33]

He said age is just a number but you don't look your age? Huh? It's all good and of course one of those throwaway lines. I am all for giving people the benefit of the doubt as long as it doesn't bring you down -glad it didn't! I also agree with the expectation being that if a guy makes plans for a date the most you can expect is that he will show up for the date.

 

Definitely don't write off every guy as not interested but there is also a great middle ground so you don't waste precious time on guys who are not on the same wavelength.

[LoveSoDeep]

He said age is just a number but you don't look your age? Huh? It's all good and of course one of those throwaway lines. I am all for giving people the benefit of the doubt as long as it doesn't bring you down -glad it didn't! I also agree with the expectation being that if a guy makes plans for a date the most you can expect is that he will show up for the date.

 

Definitely don't write off every guy as not interested but there is also a great middle ground so you don't waste precious time on guys who are not on the same wavelength.

 

Oh, no I said age was just a number. He said I don't look my age and I agree.

 

His buddy's SO is 12 years older than him (although they are a unique couple so maybe going with an age gap is the best way for them to find someone...they both have pretty significant health issues and live in a very small town) so I don't think he has a hang up on age, and good for him. Not that this case matters to me anymore.

 

I think muti-dating is the perfect way to ensure you're not "wasting time" I was never (okay rarely) focused all on one guy and I think it helps....it's a lot of work though. lol

[Batya33]

Yes I agree with multi-dating. I was referring to who you choose to go out with on a date - I'd limit it a little more to men who are more enthusiastic about seeing you again than this guy was.

[LoveSoDeep]

Yes I agree with multi-dating. I was referring to who you choose to go out with on a date - I'd limit it a little more to men who are more enthusiastic about seeing you again than this guy was.

 

I dunno...I think his level of enthusiasm was fine as long as as he was one of many. I would never put all my eggs in one basket with a guy like that...he gets as much of my energy as I get of his. If I have other options I see no problem with just letting it play out. I mean what if I meet the man of my dreams and he happens to be slammed at work for 3 weeks or something....life happens.

[Batya33]

I dunno...I think his level of enthusiasm was fine as long as as he was one of many. I would never put all my eggs in one basket with a guy like that...he gets as much of my energy as I get of his. If I have other options I see no problem with just letting it play out. I mean what if I meet the man of my dreams and he happens to be slammed at work for 3 weeks or something....life happens.

 

Absolutely. I wasn't referring to being busy just the way he interacted with you as far as setting up another date. No worries at all if the guy is busy or has a life - but there's a way to show enthusiasm in seeing the person again no matter how busy you are and at least to me that was not happening with this guy.

[LoveSoDeep]

Absolutely. I wasn't referring to being busy just the way he interacted with you as far as setting up another date. No worries at all if the guy is busy or has a life - but there's a way to show enthusiasm in seeing the person again no matter how busy you are and at least to me that was not happening with this guy.

 

You know honestly....I felt fine with the way we interacted....there could have been more contact in between dates, sure but people are different and I'm the only one who got his messages so maybe I didn't portray them as clearly as I could have but for a first and second date there was enough enthusiasm for me. I don;t really like when a guy goes off the deep end after one date....and I was busy too so maybe that made me feel differently about it all.

 

Anyway, he did respond just to say he was glad we talked too and thanking me for being open with him and to enjoy the game that I went to last night. I'm one of those weird rare birds who really can turn around and just be friends with a guy I've dated and he said he was friends with a couple of his exes too....and since we didn't get that far into dating I think friends could work and he;s a good guy. I'd be lucky to have a local friend like him. So I sent a text saying to have a great trip this weekend and offing to be friends. He'd be fun to go to a soccer game with for sure and just get out and do things...even in a group. So I offered....he may not want to just "hang out" with a 38 year old....so there's that....but at least I offered.

 

Tonight. One night to recharge! Yay! Tomorrow, date #1 with "What's His Name" last week I consider a first meet not really a date. Okay so his name is really Phil.....not sure why but for some reason I never pictured myself dating a guy named Phil....maybe that's why I always forget his name. Anyone else have that experience with a name....I seriously never saw myself with a Phil...not that I'm counting that against him it's just odd...or maybe everyone has this experience just with different names. I wonder how many guys think they'd never end up a with a girl with my name it's not a super popular name.

 

So the guy I was seeing back home before I moved saw something I posted on FB and texted me this morning....randomly suggesting I send him sexy selfies. I mean that was fine when we were together....but from what I can tell he's dating someone else now so no, absolutely not and he shouldn't be asking. Sigh! Do I know how to pick 'em or what? lol

[Batya33]

"You know honestly....I felt fine with the way we interacted....there could have been more contact in between dates, sure but people are different and I'm the only one who got his messages so maybe I didn't portray them as clearly as I could have but for a first and second date there was enough enthusiasm for me. I don;t really like when a guy goes off the deep end after one date....and I was busy too so maybe that made me feel differently about it all."

 

I can't stand the deep end either. The level of interest you described in this particular guy would have signaled for me that he wasn't that interested in seeing if there was long term potential. I understand that it worked for you! Sounds good about being friends -you only met him a few times, right? Have fun tomorrow night!