Out with OLD and in with....older. Or....Matchmakers, why not?

[LoveSoDeep]

I decided to go with my gut here and say no thanks. I will not go on the date with this newest match. I had trouble saying no last time and I regretted it....I don't want that to happen again because it would be a waste of his time (and mine).

 

The matchmaker told me that my first date (the Asian guy with adult children) had really liked me and said all sorts of great things about me. Well not to be conceited, but that's actually not surprising to me. Guys who are looking for a woman even remotely like me usually think I'm great...let's just say I don't have a problem winning people over.....but I'm not looking for a guy like X....I'm looking for a younger guy with no kids or maybe younger kids (or a slightly older guy with the same kids scenario) who's closer to where I am in my life right now. I don't doubt that X would like me... but he has a 15 y/o, he could be a grandparent at any time now (I'm sure he'd rather that wait 8-10 years but hey stuff happens) I'm not even close to ready for that.

 

I'm sure that the way this works is that she has a list of member to match up and the person at the top of the list is the one she is looking for a match for....so when she has a guy at the top of the list and I'm a great fit his criteria and he kinda sorts fits within what I said I was okay with, I get a call. Is there a chance I'll fall madly in love with him...sure, but it's not a great chance especially if a few key things are missing. That was the case with my first date and would have been the case here....so no I'll wait until I think I have an okay chance of liking the guy too. All I'm saying is "broken leg guy" had a much better chance that I'd like him back, so I'll wait.

 

I feel good about my decision. I sent this new contact from the matchmakers office this story (true story) about my parents and how they have been married 41 years and on one of their early dates my dad had a broken wrist and it just made my mom like him more...I said maybe she should tell "broken leg guy" that so he's not embarrassed to go out on dates if his leg is all bandaged up...even if the dates aren't with me. lol

 

Anyway I signed up for one of their singles events this weekend

[saluk]

Good on you. These matchmakers should be trying to connect people who are good for each other. You have been very clear about your preferences. I'm guessing they get a lot of people who think they are clear about something but then find out later it is more flexible. Still, rather annoying to feel like they are pushing you on someone outside of your wishes in several key ways.

[LoveSoDeep]

Good on you. These matchmakers should be trying to connect people who are good for each other. You have been very clear about your preferences. I'm guessing they get a lot of people who think they are clear about something but then find out later it is more flexible. Still, rather annoying to feel like they are pushing you on someone outside of your wishes in several key ways.

 

Thanks saluk!

 

I know they were trying to do a good thing here and technically this guy was only outside my stated preferences in the height category and I was all set to let that one slide. I stated up to 48 on age and I did state men with children were okay but they had to want children or more children.

 

They were kinda fudging on that too, saying he was "open to more children" they just aren't the same...I'm "open to" taking a job in the Middle East if it pays really well....but I don't really want it. I wouldn't go looking for it specifically. I think they were missing that key difference. I may be 38 but I'm not giving up on this want for children for at least 5 years and if a doctor tells me it's not going to happen then I may want to adopt... my life partner has to be on the same page...he just has to. I find it very very unlikely that 47 year old man would actually want another baby....he's probably saying he'll think about it for the right person...but he'd really prefer not to...and that's really an okay outlook to have. I just need something more concrete.

 

Honestly, I think guys that are in this mindset are going to be my age or a little younger and have no kids or maybe younger kids of their own now. There's really only a slim chance that a guy at 45+ really wants to start having kids now and I think even slimmer chance if he already has older kids. I mean I paid good money but I don't think that entitles me to win the jackpot. I want to stick to where the odds are good. lol

 

They said they would find X another match and I'm glad because it'll be better for him. They also said they would note my child preferences....okay fine, as long as they actually follow them. I guess my preference is men with no children (or elementary school age children or younger), but he must want more kids or be very open to more.

[Batya33]

Unfortunately I don't think a doctor can tell you about your chances of conceiving naturally - you can get your hormone levels tested and have certain tests done but so much of it is up to unknown factors. I'd definitely take a multi-vitamin, be a healthy weight, make sure you're getting enough folic acid, etc. Have you thought more about egg freezing? My friend did at age 38 (met her husband through an online site at age 40) and was told that that was close to the outer limit (where after that it's really not advisable/viable). I wish I could have done that but way back when freezing eggs was not yet technologically viable quite yet (just embryos). I started trying at age 40.5 - never had been pregnant before that I knew of (i.e. maybe there was a chemical pregnancy) and never had actively tried.

 

I think you're totally on the right track as far as keeping your eye on the prize, knowing your boundaries, what you want and don't want.

[LoveSoDeep]

Thanks!

 

Yeah I totally get that this really isn't something I can control, but I'm not giving up on my want to have a child until I know for sure it's not possible. I guess that's all I'm saying.

 

I'm very healthy. I take 1mg of folic acid (I actually have it prescribed cause it's hard to get in that dosage lol) every day and B12 (I also take fish oil, calcium, D3, and vitamin C) I don't take a multi because I think I can do better with my 6 different ones. My friend think I'm nuts I have a daily pill box filled with just my vitamins. lol I know people who were very healthy and got pregnant at 42 and 43. I'm not afraid to take a risk when the reward is so great.

 

I've thought about egg freezing but it is still pretty expensive since I'm still trying to pay off some other debts....maybe not an option for me. I hate when doctors tell people stuff like that....every person is different...maybe for her 38 was the outer limit but it's not the same for everyone and sometimes they just say that to cover their own butts. I had a co-worker who had her 3rd child at 39 (her mother had her at 43) and the doctor kept calling her an "older mother" and she wanted to smack him. lol

 

Thanks though, it's hard to feel great about setting boundaries sometimes...but I am glad I set things right this time. Regret is s terrible thing and I totally regretted not standing my ground on the first date....so I feel better having done it this time.

[Batya33]

The doctor told her that 38 was late to freeze eggs because scientifically, it is, not because the doctor wanted to discourage her. Having a child after 40 is a different story- using frozen eggs has to be done earlier from what I understand because the process of defrosting/doing IVF is riskier than conceiving naturally. That's my vague understanding of it. I was an older mother and my label was "geriatric" or "advanced age" -nothing offensive. It is true based on the science and your pregnancy over 40 typically is treated as "high risk" because it is, period.

 

I went by science and the increase in overall risks to the mother and baby in an over 40 mother. The great part was that since I was over 40 and high risk I was entitled to more frequent ultrasounds so I was able to see Peanut more often. The scary part were the blood tests and the general knowledge of the risks -emotionally that was scary. I had to sign releases about that too. I opted out of anything invasive to the fetus (no amnio or the earlier, amnio-like procedure) and my doctors were supportive of that despite my advanced age.

 

That's great about your vitamins. I know extremely healthy 29 year olds who had a very hard time getting pregnant and my friends who got pregnant easily/naturally over 40. You never know.

 

Every person is different but the way science is now we know that it's harder to get pregnant over a certain age (35?) and there is increased risk of complications/birth defects as our eggs age. I had post-birth complications (to me not the baby) that really only happen to women over 40. Obviously I hope you go for it whenever you can but I am a little surprised at the mindset that doctors are just being harsh on women who wait to have children (I waited because I wasn't going to do this without being married and I didn't find the right person earlier).

 

The science could change but I wish I had had the opportunity to try to get pregnant before age 40.

[LoveSoDeep]

Yeah the science is all very interesting to me.

 

Actually, what I have found is that 38 is the latest they have frozen eggs so it's not that it doesn't work at later ages it's that it hasn't been tested so they can't give you any idea as to what might happen. Doctors don't like to do things that aren't tested because they get sued so often. I do get that they are trying to avoid risk overall but it still annoys me a little.

 

I guess I am still going to be 38 for 8 more months it's something to think about. If I decided I just have to do it I could always sell my car that'd pay for a big chunk of it. I have a friend who was a year above me in school who froze her eggs last year. Maybe I should ask her about the process. I hear it's not easy. If all else fails me I know my baby sister would love to be an aunt but not a mother so maybe I can steal her eggs. Yes I know I can't just steal them, she'd have to volunteer but there s a good chance she would.

[Batya33]

You might be right on the reasoning -I haven't done the research. If the eggs are old/flawed then IVF won't work and IVF is expensive/requires meds so you then have to balance the risks/benefits. So, not sure it's all to do with med mal. Impressive that you've thought of all the alternatives including your sister as potential surrogate. Of course if you feel a bit suspicious about doctors there are women who go to midwives during pregnancy.

[LoveSoDeep]

You might be right on the reasoning -I haven't done the research. If the eggs are old/flawed then IVF won't work and IVF is expensive/requires meds so you then have to balance the risks/benefits. So, not sure it's all to do with med mal. Impressive that you've thought of all the alternatives including your sister as potential surrogate. Of course if you feel a bit suspicious about doctors there are women who go to midwives during pregnancy.

 

Of course, the risks are always there.

 

Midwives probably have Med. mal insurance too....I mean it's a smart move for anyone who deals with life and death. They probably should have it.

 

I've thought about it a lot. I would not use my sister as surrogate for the gestation just the eggs. Half the reason she doesn't want kids is she doesn't like the idea of pregnancy. lol

 

I'm the "i'll worry about it when the time comes" type of person usually so all this think about the future and making expensive plans for "what if" scenarios seems silly to me but I guess I need to do it.

[LoveSoDeep]

So I went to the singles event that the matchmakers held last night. There were supposed to be 60-100 singles there. I'm not sure how many were actually there. The idea as just to talk to lots of different people so they gave us ice breaker questions and occasionally they would prod us to switch it up and talk to new people. The first group of people I was talking to there were 4 men in the group only one was even remotely my type and age group and once he opened his mouth it was over for him he was c**ky. That attitude in our first convo....No thanks. I escaped that by heading to the bar and found my way into a younger group. There was a funny quirky girl and 2 guys who were friends that came together an Indian guy and a guy who while on the shorter side (maybe 5'8" ) was still good looking. I talked to them for a bit and then they prodded us to move so we did but after the leader of the group did her little welcome speech we ended up talking to each other again just on the other side of the room. At one point during her speech she said the first guy to come tell her he had gotten a phone number would get a prize and I'm guessing jokingly he looked at me and asked for my number. Before I could answer some guy up front said he already had a number (it turned out he did not but the subject was effectively changed).

 

We had a good time and laughed a lot and there were a couple times I touched his arm subtlety...I'm trying to remember if he ever touched me and I can't remember so either he did not or it was so subtle is escaped my memory. We crossed paths a couple other times but followed instructions to chat up others. I talked to a Philosophy instructor for a few minutes and I thought the convo was going well and he all the sudden excused himself to get another drink....guess I wasn't his type. Which is fine but it was a kind of abrupt end tot he convo so I decided to go to the ladies room and take a break from the noise. I came back and started talking to a woman who was standing by the door alone and the cute younger guy from before came over for some fresh air but left when another guy came by. This guy was not my type at all so I tried to steer him towards the other woman. He wanted us all to go out together in a few weeks to a happy hour with karaoke...I played along for the other woman's sake and gave him my number. I wouldn't go out with just him though.

 

Then I started talking with a funny spitfire of a woman who had come late. We really hit it off and she pulled me aside saving us both from a rather odd guy and said we should hang out she needs friends because she just got divorced and is a single mom. She invited me to her church and her friend that was with her was nice too and we went out after the event to grab a bite to eat together.

 

I went to the bar to get a 2nd glass of wine. It was happy hour pricing and I needed 2 glasses to meet the minimum charge on my card so why not. lol The cute guy from earlier was paying his tab because his parking as going to expire and he had to go and he said he should get my number. I'm not really sure what happened (too noisy to hear) but I feel like his friend said something like "what if I wanted her number?" I think they were just joking with each other and I gave him my number. He texted me right away so I'd know it as him. I texted back this afternoon just saying hi and nice to meet him. Not sure if anything will come of that because like I said he was younger....we didn't talk age but I think he was early 30s. He would never have guessed my real age....everyone else guesses me to be 28-32...I just look young.

 

Oh and I'm pretty sure the guy I turned down the date with was there. I saw a guy with his name (we had name tags on) that fit his age and description....and I avoided him like the plague...because well that would be awkward. I can say from seeing him briefly is he's not my type he was definitely too short for me and he had a beer belly. So I'm happy with my decision to skip it.

[Batya33]

I don't know if this is your intention but I think this post in particular is VERY helpful to anyone thinking of going to a singles event/hiring a matchmaker, etc. You wrote in such detail, and I could imagine every interaction/encounter you had as if I were there. Impressive that you went/stayed/talked to so many people. And met a really cool woman! ;-)

[LoveSoDeep]

I don't know if this is your intention but I think this post in particular is VERY helpful to anyone thinking of going to a singles event/hiring a matchmaker, etc. You wrote in such detail, and I could imagine every interaction/encounter you had as if I were there. Impressive that you went/stayed/talked to so many people. And met a really cool woman! ;-)

 

Thanks! I had reply all typed out yesterday and I lost it and then just gave up for the night. lol

 

I think it was some for me and some for others...so I'm glad it told the story that I wanted it to tell.

 

I'm not sure why...probably because I seemed to connect to the younger guys more when I went out on Saturday but I'm starting to think maybe I need to focus on guys my age and younger. I know the number of guys who are looking for an older woman may be small...but what about guys who aren't looking for it but would be fine with it if the attraction were there? Previously I had stayed away from much younger guys because they seemed not as ready to "settle down" not settle just ...you know just not as ready to get married and whatnot. I'm kind of sick of older guys chasing me because it boosts their ego to be with a younger (or younger looking) woman....I dunno I'm just over that and I feel like the 40+ population of guys show that tendency more...and maybe it's just bad luck on my part and I've been meeting the wrong 40+ y/o guys....but that's how I feel right now.

 

So the younger guy from the meet-up did chat with me more (via text) and said we should get together if I was interested and I said I was. He said he would have to check into work and see what was going on after the long weekend and we could set something up once he knew more. I agreed and told him Thurs doesn't work for me b/c of soccer and I'd need to check my workload as well. Nothing since then...but I'm okay with that. I have to admit I cyber-stalked him a little. I have an app on my phone that will check social media and if your phone number can be matched with a profile it updates my contacts....so my app found him on FB and I checked his page. He's probably not even 30....and I messed up and used my work computer so he's gonna see that I checked his LinkedIn profile too which I suppose is pretty benign as far as cyber-stalking goes. It says he graduated from college in 2010! Unless he took time off before college(possible) or was on a 5-6 year plan (totally possible) that means he's like 27-28ish. So I had to do a tiny bit more digging to see because I mean 27....that's way younger than I think I can handle. I found some Cross Country reports which showed him as a HS senior in fall 2003. which would make him just about 30 (depending on when his birthday is but that's just splitting hairs). I feel a little hypocritical worrying about this when I just turned down a guy who was 9 years older than me....but that was more about him having kids and his possible desire for more than about actual age. If he cyber-stalked me, he can see my birth-date on some link removed entries (although age shouldn't be found on my LinkedIn or FB - as a non-friend)...and I guess if that scares him off then there's nothing I can do. In that case maybe we can just be friends he seems to be a fun guy with lots of active hobbies.

[Batya33]

Question -is he maybe waiting for you to call him once you know your work situation? I hear you about younger men but the issue with the younger men is they may want to wait a long time before trying to have kids. I think it's good to evaluate what's working and not working as far as age and, sure an 8-10 year age difference might be a bit much. My friend met her husband when she was in her late 30s and he was in his late 20s (her dance instructor!) -they have been married for 7 years and have young twins (she was about 45 or so when she gave birth!). He is really good looking and young looking but, yup, it's working out great (she is also so attractive but it is a large age difference of course!).

[LoveSoDeep]

Question -is he maybe waiting for you to call him once you know your work situation? I hear you about younger men but the issue with the younger men is they may want to wait a long time before trying to have kids. I think it's good to evaluate what's working and not working as far as age and, sure an 8-10 year age difference might be a bit much. My friend met her husband when she was in her late 30s and he was in his late 20s (her dance instructor!) -they have been married for 7 years and have young twins (she was about 45 or so when she gave birth!). He is really good looking and young looking but, yup, it's working out great (she is also so attractive but it is a large age difference of course!).

 

Good point. That didn't seem to be how he positioned it though...he said he would check and I said..."Oh, good idea I'll check too." He texted me at 3pm today.

 

Oh I totally agree. That's my biggest worry about younger men is that they aren't as likely to be ready to move fairly quickly...but just because it's not likely doesn't mean I shouldn't go on a date or to right? The right guy no matter what his age will be on my wavelength and willing to go whatever speed we need to go. I don't know if that's light speed or not...it could be if he's game....but I could turn around tomorrow and be happy just being loved and forget about kids....I don't know what the future holds. So date one is set for Friday.

 

He texted me and asked if Friday would work for a drink. I am actually free on Friday and I'm not 100% sure about Saturday or Sunday so he picked just the right day. He also asked how the rest of my weekend was. I told him Friday as great and told him about my lovely day trip yesterday and asked how his day was. He confirmed Friday was the date and told me about his date. I responded by saying his day sounded like a good way to spend a day off. If I don;t hear form him tomorrow I'll initiate on Thursday to see about the time and place.

 

I know from my cyber-stalking that he's an outdoor medical educator....he's an EMT that teaches people how to deal with medical emergencies outdoors. Or at least that's what it sounds like. He also leads outdoor education courses for a national company. He had talked about a few camping trekking stories. This is more outdoorsy than I thought, but I'm cool with that. I'd love to have someone to go camping and hiking and kayaking with who knows what they are doing because...well I don't. I guess this wouldn't be totally unlike you friend's story only he wouldn't be teaching me how to dace he'd be teaching me how to camp. lol

[missmarple]

Go for the younger guy. Who knows, maybe he does want to start a family sooner rather than later. My dad had met my mum when he was 24 and she was 36...by the time he was 26 they had gotten married and had me..he's told me he always wanted to be a father.

Go on dates with this guy and, if things progress, just make sure you're on the same page re. family and kids.

[LoveSoDeep]

Go for the younger guy. Who knows, maybe he does want to start a family sooner rather than later. My dad had met my mum when he was 24 and she was 36...by the time he was 26 they had gotten married and had me..he's told me he always wanted to be a father.

Go on dates with this guy and, if things progress, just make sure you're on the same page re. family and kids.

 

Thanks, MissM!

 

I know, you're so right. What if the guy I'm meant to be with is younger....why would I pass up the chance to find out? In the past I did pass up some of these options...mostly because they were way too young (under 25) or acted immature. I think no matter the age of the man when I find the right one he'll be on the same page as me and if the timeline gets bumped up because of my age, he'll just go with it because he wants it too ....and because putting it off isn't always going to be reasonable.

 

This guy seemed mature and reasonable and I don't know explicitly what his family goals are but in talking to him I know he's from the mid-west (a normally pretty family oriented area), he has great love and respect for his own mom and family.....I'd be surprised if he was in the "never wants to have kids" camp but I probably won't learn that even during date one. I'll keep an eye out for this information but chances are if he is in that camp we won't match up well in some other areas. It's more than worth a couple dates to find out though, especially since I'm waiting on a new match from the matchmaker now anyway.

[thejigsup]

I have dated younger before and it never worked out. They were always just at a waaay too different stage in life in life than me for it to work. They either wanted to be married yesterday, my worst nightmare, or they wanted to play Hit It and Quit It. But do the date, anyway. This youngie could be a real cool guy.

[PH Suite]

OP, if the kids consideration is that important to you why not breach the topic before even having a date?

[LoveSoDeep]

I have dated younger before and it never worked out. They were always just at a waaay too different stage in life in life than me for it to work. They either wanted to be married yesterday, my worst nightmare, or they wanted to play Hit It and Quit It. But do the date, anyway. This youngie could be a real cool guy.

 

Wants to be married yesterday = My DREAM man!

Hit it and Quit it = My worst nightmare!

 

OP, if the kids consideration is that important to you why not breach the topic before even having a date?

 

Now come on, if I ask him if he wants kids before the first date (even if he REALLY wants kids) he's going to run for the hills. LOL That's a given.

 

When using OLD people use value criteria like that (as well as age, height, body type etc.) to filter people out because they can...because it's a box on a form and you don't have to ask. Then you meet and hope you like their personality. Seem kinda backwards to me. This guy - I know I like his personality (so far), so I'm willing to give it a date or two to see if our values match up.

[thejigsup]

No, wanting marriage yesterday means they want to get married so badly they will marry anyone who says "yes". I ran for the hills when I met one of these. He claimed I broke his heart beyond repair, yet he married someone 6 months later. We later met and she said they married, had a child, and then since he had accomplished those things and realized they weren't as amazing as he'd thought they would be, he left her flat. Not a dream, a nightmare. Someone who wants to get married that badly is not very stable.

[notalady]

No, wanting marriage yesterday means they want to get married so badly they will marry anyone who says "yes". I ran for the hills when I met one of these. He claimed I broke his heart beyond repair, yet he married someone 6 months later. We later met and she said they married, had a child, and then since he had accomplished those things and realized they weren't as amazing as he'd thought they would be, he left her flat. Not a dream, a nightmare. Someone who wants to get married that badly is not very stable.

 

Very true indeed.

[LoveSoDeep]

No, wanting marriage yesterday means they want to get married so badly they will marry anyone who says "yes". I ran for the hills when I met one of these. He claimed I broke his heart beyond repair, yet he married someone 6 months later. We later met and she said they married, had a child, and then since he had accomplished those things and realized they weren't as amazing as he'd thought they would be, he left her flat. Not a dream, a nightmare. Someone who wants to get married that badly is not very stable.

 

Oh okay....I know the extreme is never pretty. Realistically I know that and would probably run for the hills too....but right now in my mind that kind of desperation doesn't sound so bad....it sounds like what I need. I know it isn't....don't worry.

[PH Suite]

Now come on, if I ask him if he wants kids before the first date (even if he REALLY wants kids) he's going to run for the hills. LOL That's a given.

 

When using OLD people use value criteria like that (as well as age, height, body type etc.) to filter people out because they can...because it's a box on a form and you don't have to ask. Then you meet and hope you like their personality. Seem kinda backwards to me. This guy - I know I like his personality (so far), so I'm willing to give it a date or two to see if our values match up.

 

 

Personally, I appreciate clarity ASAP on whatever someone's looking for. Similarly, I prefer to make my intentions and preferences known. It can be off-putting to some, but not to the type who's going to get along with me in the long run. Among well-adjusted adults, open honesty can start on Day 1 without a problem. A phone call before deciding whether or not to meet can save you both wasted time & effort or alternately set the stage for a great date with some things already known and some comfort in discussion.

 

The type that's too eager to get married or have kids, even to have sex, to me feels like she's just trying to fix past wrongs or fulfill dreams with virtually anyone in place of "the man" or "the ex". It's not about me, her or most importantly us, or a natural arc to a relationship, it's a rush to do something that without the proper time, bonding, love and foundation is statistically doomed or sub-par.

[Batya33]

I think it's a balance. All in good time and that also needs to be balanced against real life -people leave and accept jobs and relocate based on how serious a relationship is or is not - people meet at certain ages when babies need to be made faster than if they had met when they were younger. Had my husband not asked me to get back together (we weren't married in the past -just dated) before he was going to leave town for quite awhile, it may not have worked, developing that connection long distance.

[LoveSoDeep]

I agree honesty is best. If a guy brings it up early on I'm not afraid to talk about it. I think to bring it up before tomorrow's date would seem forced (and would be via text or phone call when really in person is better for big questions), so I'm not worried about letting that conversation happen more organically. We've already met in person and talked quite a bit in a group so I don't think having one date 1:1 is going to be a waste of anyone's time. We already enjoy each other's company enough to set up date. That's why meeting IRL always seems a little better to me it just doesn't happen as often anymore.

 

True over eagerness in any area really is a big red flag. I was trying to make a joke earlier that obviously as lost in translation when being read in an on-line journal. I don't really want to get married yesterday nor do I want to date a guy who is actually that eager.

 

 

 

Very true....I think when I meet the right guy he'll take into consideration the reality of both of our ages when thinking of what timeline would work for us and if that means it's faster than either of us are used to then so be it.

 

I sent a text to see if we could firm up our plans for tomorrow and I'm waiting on a response....he's like me not usually a responds in seconds type....more like 30-60 minutes between messages.