Out with OLD and in with....older. Or....Matchmakers, why not?

[PH Suite]

I think everyone can be a winner if you define it as living up to your potential or constantly acting to achieve that potential -it's not a comparison game.

 

I know so. There's room for everyone on the planet on the High Road. The cost of prime real estate there has never gone up in all of recorded history. Virtually everyone says they want to live there, or date someone who does, but few are willing to make the effort to move themselves there and pay the costs of living there long-term. Sadly, very few.

 

The High Road is sparsely populated, yet so many claim to live there. BS'ers abound.

[Batya33]

I know so. There's room for everyone on the planet on the High Road. The cost of prime real estate there has never gone up in all of recorded history. Virtually everyone says they want to live there, or date someone who does, but few are willing to make the effort to move themselves there and pay the costs of living there long-term. Sadly, very few.

 

The High Road is sparsely populated, yet so many claim to live there. BS'ers abound.

 

That was not my point at all - not everyone narrowly defines "winner" as material success. I don't.

[PH Suite]

That was not my point at all - not everyone narrowly defines "winner" as material success. I don't.

 

I don't either. It wasn't my point at all. I was being totally euphemistic. I believed that'd be totally obvious. Perhaps I come off as such an ass that it didn't occur to give the benefit of the doubt? If so, I can only assure you I am nothing of the kind.

 

There are great social and opportunity costs to taking the High Road. While I don't score actual material success as near the top of my values list, I do place freedom at the top and it's impossible to have that if answering to debt collectors and stuck in bad a job situation due to not having enough savings to float awhile without a paycheck if necessary, or living in fear of not retiring, etc.

 

If someone's happy in a bachelor pad as a starving artist though, or as a surfer, or whatever, no judgement from me as long as they're rocking it. That'd include many of my closest friends. They march to their drum and I march to mine. Nothing but mutual respect because none of us compromise on what's important to us and on what we say we want in life. We ain't BS'ing. That's winning.

 

Not directed at you, Batya, just a relevant universal truth; "There are two kinds of people in life. The doer and the loser. Which one are you?" - Tom Vu.

[Batya33]

"There are great social and opportunity costs to taking the High Road. While I don't score actual material success as near the top of my values list, I do place freedom at the top and it's impossible to have that if answering to debt collectors and stuck in bad a job situation due to not having enough savings to float awhile without a paycheck if necessary, or living in fear of not retiring, etc. "

 

 

To me financial stability is essential for me and for my husband (and I looked for that when dating) - obviously everyone can have a rough spot in that department. To me financial stability is not the same as striving for wealth/material success.

 

You are coming accross as a person who makes negative generalizations about "people" - perhaps you do genuinely and generally like people but that is not coming accross in your posts.

[LoveSoDeep]

Funny....I agree in most aspects of their lives people are willing to settle but when it comes to Love? NOPE! They may be the epitome of settling in their physical fitness, their job, whatever....but they still think they can pick and choose and be really picky when choosing a mate. Maybe they aren't waiting for the perfect person but they have this list of what they want which is nearly impossible to find all in one human being and they just won't let go of one thing....because that would be settling.

 

And then there are those who just don't want to settle down. Men know they can make babies at any age so they are in no hurry to end the party phase of dating around and hanging out in clubs every night. And even when they are ready to not hang out in clubs some still can't quite let go of the bachelor life because they've grown accustom to it....and probably fond of it. I know some women do this too. I'm not saying they don't, it's just my experience is with men.

 

 

 

Forgive me for skipping over the other part of the debate here....It's interesting to read, but I don't have much to contribute.

 

Thanks for asking!

So Friday I got caught up listening to my team play baseball and it went into extra innings and then my team lost so I was in no mood to go socialize for the last 30 minutes of the apartment complex event. Saturday the meet up was fun. I decided to bring my own blanket and a 6 pack to share so I made a couple friends that way. No romantic interests but that's fine I need non-romantic friends too. The hike with my co-worker was nice. We went early and didn't really encounter or engage with others but it was nice.

 

I haven't heard from the matchmaker this week...but on the upside I got a marriage proposal from a bum on my walk into work this morning....so there's that. lol

[Batya33]

"Men know they can make babies at any age so they are in no hurry to end the party phase of dating around and hanging out in clubs every night"

 

So, in reality men cannot make healthy babies at any age -or at least the risk of health issues go way up after 40. I disagree with the "ending the party phase" reasoning. I think men, like women, have a variety of reasons for not wanting to commit to one person especially after the typical age of first marriage. It could be about partying, it could be because they have to care for elderly parents and they're concerned about taking on more responsibilities, or they do not want children so they're not concerned about being older dads or they just have not met the right person yet. Certainly some men choose to delay marriage-or not marry- so they can be free to date casually, party, etc (just like some women). I just think the partying guys get more air time in the media because it's sexier/more scandalous than the other reasons.

 

My husband is one example of a person who was never really into partying or dating around and the first time he married was 42 (as was mine). I wasn't into partying either after about age 25 maybe. And I never prioritized partying over finding a husband, certainly not after age 20.

 

I also don't think all or even most dating necessarily has that party phase.

 

Just want to avoid giving guys a bad rep on this issue ;-)

[PH Suite]

Funny....I agree in most aspects of their lives people are willing to settle but when it comes to Love? NOPE! They may be the epitome of settling in their physical fitness, their job, whatever....but they still think they can pick and choose and be really picky when choosing a mate. Maybe they aren't waiting for the perfect person but they have this list of what they want which is nearly impossible to find all in one human being and they just won't let go of one thing....because that would be settling.

 

You may be correct. I think we're observing the same thing, just ascribing different subconscious reasons for it. It might even be as simple and conscious as you describe. It's most often delusional in any case.

 

 

And then there are those who just don't want to settle down. Men know they can make babies at any age so they are in no hurry to end the party phase of dating around and hanging out in clubs every night. And even when they are ready to not hang out in clubs some still can't quite let go of the bachelor life because they've grown accustom to it....and probably fond of it. I know some women do this too. I'm not saying they don't, it's just my experience is with men.

 

Surely there's truth in that. I don't get it, and don't know those guys, but I think those that have nothing much else going on in life or future then this might provide excitement and validation. Could just come down to a different come-up in life.

 

 

Forgive me for skipping over the other part of the debate here....It's interesting to read, but I don't have much to contribute.

 

Nor I at this point. I can only add that I neither like nor dislike people whom I don't even know. How could I? I believe that my generalizations aren't the issue, it's their actions and frequently self-expressed dissatisfaction that speak for themselves. I try to avoid it, yet still I see and hear it often. If others' experiences are vastly different, that's worth knowing.

 

 

Thanks for asking!

So Friday I got caught up listening to my team play baseball and it went into extra innings and then my team lost so I was in no mood to go socialize for the last 30 minutes of the apartment complex event. Saturday the meet up was fun. I decided to bring my own blanket and a 6 pack to share so I made a couple friends that way. No romantic interests but that's fine I need non-romantic friends too. The hike with my co-worker was nice. We went early and didn't really encounter or engage with others but it was nice.

 

I haven't heard from the matchmaker this week...but on the upside I got a marriage proposal from a bum on my walk into work this morning....so there's that. lol

 

Congrats! It's good to have options.

 

Kudos on bringing & sharing the blanket and 6-pack. I would've been quite impressed. Two thumbs way up. Keep up the positive attitude and good work!

[LoveSoDeep]

Well, there goes another week with no dates.

 

I'm trying to focus on my life as a whole and happiness in other areas, so of course the fact that I didn't have a date isn't the end of the world. I feel like things are going well in my career and I picked up a very high profile project today so I'm about to get much busier. On one hand that's great, on the other I don't want work to completely take over my life. Next week I know it will. I have a co-worker in from another office and we'll have team lunches and dinners, then we also have a VP in and he always insists on more team activities. The I have soccer on Thursday with coworkers and Friday is our company picnic. Even though I an very busy, I just feel like letting the ball drop on dating would be a huge mistake.

 

I guess if there's no news by Monday, I need to call the matchmaker's office again and see what's up. By next Saturday I'll have a free night for a date.

[Lucia Amman]

My mom and her now boyfriend met through a special matchmaker agency. The price was high like yours and I (unofficially) know that she went on a few dates before she met her boyfriend. Those dates were a real fail. I'm glad she didn't gave up right away after that and met her boyfriend. He is a great guy and they've now been together for over 14 years!

 

So there is hope

[PH Suite]

Don't despair, OP. It's easy to go from no dates to more than you know what to do with. And once you meet the right person, or could-be-right person, things will change so definitely be proactive and enjoy things as they are in the meantime. Good luck with the project!

[LoveSoDeep]

My mom and her now boyfriend met through a special matchmaker agency. The price was high like yours and I (unofficially) know that she went on a few dates before she met her boyfriend. Those dates were a real fail. I'm glad she didn't gave up right away after that and met her boyfriend. He is a great guy and they've now been together for over 14 years!

 

So there is hope

 

Thanks! see I knew there were people out there going this route....not that I know them personally but it's good to hear it worked for some and I do believe it works....it may not seem as fast as OLD but obviously that wasn't working so maybe slow and steady wins.

Don't despair, OP. It's easy to go from no dates to more than you know what to do with. And once you meet the right person, or could-be-right person, things will change so definitely be proactive and enjoy things as they are in the meantime. Good luck with the project!

 

Thanks PH! I'm not really despairing (just yet). Friday was just one of those days when you realize it's the weekend and you've got not real plans and it's a little bit of a bummer.

 

However, I actually went on a date today! Crazy huh? I joined Coffee Meets Bagel oh probably about 2 months ago and I really wasn't having any luck with it but I went ahead and continued to either like or pass on my "daily bagel." No one had written to me in weeks and even when someone did write to me they never asked me on a real date before the line closed. Well yesterday or maybe Friday I got a match that I thought was from my area of the mid-west (same state different city) and overall I thought he might be an okay match so I went ahead and like him. He messaged me fairly soon after asking if I was from his hometown....I said no but close. We sent a few messages back and forth then today he asked if I wanted to grab a glass of wine in my neighborhood. Now it turns out he had a order of 8 bottles of wine at a place in my area hat needed to be picked up so this was a good excuse to go there, but it worked out well. I like that he's from the mid-west so we have that in common. He's a couple years older than I am but he has a 3 year old daughter. I didn't get the story on that, like is he divorced were they never married idk but it didn't seem like first date conversation material. He seems very intelligent and the conversation was good. Is it odd that he reminds me of a gay guy from home who I absolutely adore? I mean I think it's just his eyes and the guy he reminds me of is really just a lovely person who gives awesome hugs...so that's okay, right? lol All in all, I'd definitely accept if he asked me out again.

 

One thing he said that I though was odd was that he had seen me on other apps....or like he had seen my picture....I thought that was odd I'm on OCK but not often and I don't think he messaged me there....and I as on Match but haven't been for months maybe my profile is still out there.....hmmm.

 

He messaged me through the app saying it was a pleasure to meet me and he enjoyed getting to know me and let's connect again really soon with his phone number. I suppose I should text him as the app will only allow us to message through the app for 7 days and I'll have a very busy week at work this week so it may be a while before we can think about getting together again.

[Batya33]

Any way you can carve out some time to see him - if you can see him within a week my two cents would be to do it - it's good to have that once a week momentum in the beginning especially if you have no friends in common, etc.

[LoveSoDeep]

Any way you can carve out some time to see him - if you can see him within a week my two cents would be to do it - it's good to have that once a week momentum in the beginning especially if you have no friends in common, etc.

 

I agree it's better for momentum but it just may not work out this week. We'll have to see.

 

He knows I have a busy week with co-workers and the VP of my division in town this week. The only nights I really have available during the week are Mon and Tues and since I just met him Sunday that seems a bit soon. I might have time this weekend but I'm not sure what his arrangement is with is daughter. I'm guessing he did not have her this past weekend because he was able to be very impromptu in his invite on Sunday afternoon. So it's possible he will be less available this coming weekend as an every other weekend schedule for split custody seems pretty common. I am already booked solid for Wed-Friday and I have an event I'd like to attend Saturday evening which he could absolutely join me for, providing he doesn't have his daughter.

 

He did message me last night while my phone was charging to say goodnight and sweet dreams. I didn't see it until over an hour later and figured he would be sleeping so I responded this morning and also gave him my cell number as the messenger we are using through CmB will only be open for 7 days.

[Batya33]

Sounds good so far!

[BigKK]

When I first read this, the words jumbled and I read "I went on a crazy date today! huh?"

 

So the whole time I was waiting for the part where he dumps the wine on his own head and tells you he wants you to join a cult. hehe

 

Congrats on the date, sounded like a good one. He could of done without the photo comment, but oh well. He was just being honest about seeing your photo somewhere.

[LoveSoDeep]

When I first read this, the words jumbled and I read "I went on a crazy date today! huh?"

 

So the whole time I was waiting for the part where he dumps the wine on his own head and tells you he wants you to join a cult. hehe

 

Congrats on the date, sounded like a good one. He could of done without the photo comment, but oh well. He was just being honest about seeing your photo somewhere.

 

Haha! Well every once in a while an actual crazy date can be enjoyable....just because it's a good story to tell. I'm gald this one wasn't really crazy though.

 

I know that comment about my picture was odd. Maybe he'll explain it later. I wasn't sure if he was just saying I look familiar or if he'd actually seen me on other OLD sites...and he phrased it as "apps" which I'm not on Tinder so the only OLD app I use is the one we met on....although I suppose he could use the OKC app or the Match app....I just never really use the apps. My thought was if he saw me before why is this the first time I heard from him? Not a big deal, but just made me wonder.

 

Anyway, he did text me. Basically wishing me a good day and good luck on the first part of my project. I replied to thank him and so he would know i got it. Then he asked if I had normal office hours or if it was based on project load. I told him I work pretty standard hours and he said "good to know."

[PH Suite]

Congrats on a good date!

 

It's very possible he has seen your pic on other sites. When a new app or site comes along, they can't attract customers without existing pics and profiles. Catch-22, so they offer free trials or memberships to women and in addition they have people overseas working for $1/hr or less trolling the Internet, mostly FB and established dating sites, for pics with which to create fake profiles. When you see a profile with a terrible pic, or just a single pic, and little or no info, or conflicting info (pic of a 25 y/o white girl with a stated age of 40 and Asian ethnicity), especially with poor/foreign-style grammar, you ask yourself "What kind of clueless #### would bother to create such a poor profile?" The answer is no one would, and no one did. No one legitimate, anyway.

 

Various "social media" and networking apps and sites work the same way. There's no end of LinkedIn wannabes that have fake profiles with data trolled from Bloomberg, corporate profiles and various other sources.

 

Wish you continued good luck!

[LoveSoDeep]

PH - I know it's creepy that there are so many trolls bots and fakes....I'm just saying if my picture has been stolen for that purpose I'd like to know. lol I kinda have a feeling that even though I closed my Match profile that might still be visible....in which case guys would just think I'm a snob who never replies.

 

Yeah. I guess it's still going fine with this guy. He texted me last night about a restaurant in his neighborhood that has a theme form my mid-west hometown which he thought I would find interesting. There was some chit chat about that. Then he asked if by chance I could get out of work tomorrow afternoon as he had come accross tickets to a baseball game. I had to decline because I have my department VP in town this week and lots of department meeting and a team dinner planned for that night....he said he completely understood. Then today at lunch he texted that he was thinking about me and mentioned some great places to grab lunch in the neighborhood of my office.

 

I'll say this the pros are: He's initiating most contact which most agree indicates interest. He has asked me out again. He does seem to listen well....he remembers little things lots of guys forget like where I work, what sports I have an interest in, just little things we talked about like food preferences I mentioned (or talked about at length lol). Also I know enough to know that there could be a spark....often if there's just not one I know right away and I didn't get that feeling. I'm not going to list cons for now so that I don't talk myself out of anything just yet.

 

No word from the matchmaker.....I think I'm going to have to call them again....which is annoying. If I have to nudge them every time to get them to remember me and set me up....that's just uncool.

[PH Suite]

PH - I know it's creepy that there are so many trolls bots and fakes....I'm just saying if my picture has been stolen for that purpose I'd like to know. lol I kinda have a feeling that even though I closed my Match profile that might still be visible....in which case guys would just think I'm a snob who never replies.

 

 

Quite likely. Hundreds of profiles on those sites show last log-in date to be "More than 3 weeks ago" or don't indicate if the person even still has access to messages. Basically the more pics of women they can display the more clients they attract and the more money they make.

 

It's good that this guy is attentive and persistent. Good luck!

[LoveSoDeep]

Yeah I guess once you put something out there on the internet in general you can never get it back. I shouldn't be surprised if old OLD profiles haunt me forever. lol

 

He invited me to a lunch concert event on Friday and it was so sweet of him that I felt bad that I couldn't accept. I have a work function. I swear work is taking over my life this week. Then as I suspected he will have his daughter this weekend, but what I didn't know is after that he's leaving town for a few days. I said our schedules were conspiring against us and he asked if Wed or Thursday worked for happy hour. I said maybe Thursday but I have a soccer game in the evening so maybe for something without alcohol (I'm not good at soccer even when I'm sober lol!). So e're going to grab a bite to eat and maybe take my dog for a walk....since I have to do those things before the game anyway.

 

I wimped out on calling the matchmaker. I was just worn out from a long day at work. Oh, well I'm too busy this week anyway. Monday though I need to call.

[LoveSoDeep]

We did go to dinner last night. He came by my building and waited as I ran up and got my dog because she needed a walk before dinner and of course he loved her (everyone does lol) We went for a walk and he wasn't completely freaked out by her aggressive reaction to other dogs. He just stood back and let me handle it, which I appreciate. Then we went to dinner. We talked a little more about his daughter. He said she doesn't act as good for her mother as she does for him, like she isn't 100% potty trained for her mom but with him she's great....and I said something must be different. Mom must be doing something he's not because kids are smart if she can do it for him she can do it for mom. So either mom isn't as strict or she like the negative attention from mom....kids a re smarter than we think sometimes. He does really think his daughter is a perfect angel though....to which I kinda just had to smile and say I think he's biased but I'm sure she's an average to well behaved child he seems like a good dad. He walked me back to my place and we hugged but that was it. It just didn't seem like the right time/place to add a kiss in and I'm not too worried about it at this point.

 

He'll be busy this weekend and then out of town until the week after next. So I texted him today just to say thanks for making the time for dinner last night it was good to see him. He said likewise and then said it will be nice when we can "dedicate some true time to just us" so I guess that's a good sign but anything can happen in over a week so I'm just going to keep moving forward.

 

I know the matchmaker is in the office on Sunday afternoons so maybe I'll try to call then.

[LoveSoDeep]

I actually got a call from the matchmaker's office last night.

 

I was on my way to meet a friend to watch a preseason football game when I first got a text. Then a little later they called me and when I didn't answer (and my voicemail is full - on purpose - I like it that way lol) they send me an e-mail. So I responded to say that I was watching the game and would call them today, but they responded that they would call me on Monday. So I wait, but they did say they have a gentleman to introduce me to. If they go outside of my preferences this time I won't hesitate to decline. So we'll see who they have on Monday I guess.

[LoveSoDeep]

Alright. After a nice quiet weekend I was ready to hear from the matchmaker's office today. Got home I walked the dog, I talked to my mother on the phone, I even made and ate dinner and cleaned up the dishes and still no call. So I decided to just call them they did ask me to call 3 times. Although the last time they said they would call me, I didn't want another whole day to go by without hearing what they had found.

 

This time I talked to the actual matchmaker which is much better. So this time it's a Caucasian man I only mention that because the last date they set me up in was with one of the only ethnicities I had said I wasn't really open to dating, but I decided to give it a shot and that didn;t work out. So in this case at least there's no issue there. He's a year older than I am and open to having a family, but doesn't have one now. Funny she said she remembered interviewing him and he had said something like "I dunno is 39 too old to start a family?" and it sounded like she thought it as endearing that he really didn't seem to know she assured him it was not to old. He is tall 6'3" which is a bit tall for me at 5'1" but I have dated rather tall men before and it really wasn't that awkward. She said he had tried OLD and was just tired of people who were just out of relationships and didn't seem to know what they wanted. She also said he was open to dating women 5' and taller and liked an hourglass figure....so I fit that preference lol. There was more which I can't recall it all but basically that family is important to him he has a group of friends that are important to him. She listed a bunch of things he would enjoy doing on dates and all of those sounded like fun...everything from concerts and movies to going to the zoo. Overall there's a fair chance we could hit it off from what she told me, so we gotta meet and see what happens.

 

So now they call him and check his availability. I think they have already talked to him and given him the skinny on me to see if he wants them to set up the date. She said she'd check with him about this weekend and next. I'm like geesh, I've already been waiting a couple weeks, I hope it's not that long! Okay so I'm a little impatient. lol

 

She did ask me about my last date and I told her really I didn't feel a connection because he was at a different place in his life with adult children and never made it sound like he was ready to start another family. If he had told her that, which she says he did then he just didn't make it sound that way to me. It didn't come accross that way at all. In all our discussion about his kids he seemed content with his relationship with them as adults. I really felt like having a baby would be a stretch for this guy. I didn't go into the whole being pressured into dating someone outside of what I know works for me.

 

Haven't heard from the CmB guy since Friday....but then again he has his daughter so I can't be too surprised. I'm an adult I can recognize that his 3-4 y/o daughter is more important to him than I am, especially after only knowing me just a week. I do hope I hear something from him this week but I'm not going to fixate on it.

[LoveSoDeep]

Geesh apparently the matchmaker called me last night and my phone never rang. It didn't even show the missed call until I randomly restarted it this afternoon. Just what I need a fussy phone.

 

Anyway I decided to call them back tonight because my vm is full so they couldn't have left a message. The matchmaker answered and it sounded busy where she was I guess the calls were being forwarded to her cell. They had an event tonight and she was answering calls in case someone got lost. She was nice and said she must have been calling about my date. Apparently they spoke to the guy and he has injured his knee and is on crutches (she said he sent them pic of himself with the crutches) and is still trying to find out if he'll need surgery. I guess he doesn't want to make plans till he knows what's up. Of course I can't blame him, so my response was "Oh, no! Poor guy, that's terrible." I am slightly disappointed that I'll have to wait but hopefully it'll be worth it. I'm trying not to show my disappointment to the matchmaker because I feel like it's on me I shouldn't be this disappointed I want to work on being happy with my life whether I have a date or not.

 

Still nothing from CmB guy. He's now out of town on a short vacation. I won't say I expect to hear from him at all this week.

[LoveSoDeep]

Everything's been pretty quiet on the dating front lately.

 

Nothing more from the matchmaker although I wasn't really clear when she would have an answer about when the possible date with this new"match" might be. If I don't hear from her by the end of the week, I might just call and ask what the plan is....do I wait for this guy and for how long, or am allowed to be matched with someone else while I wait for his knee issues to be figured out?

 

Also nothing from the CmB guy. I got a little antsy and bored earlier today and re-read some of the texts from last week kind of thinking "when will he be back in town again?" Should be today sometime. I didn't try to contact him while he was out of town or with his daughter because I didn't feel the need to push things or intrude on that time....especially after only a week of knowing him. Not sure if he's reading that as a loss of interest, but I guess his lack of communication could be read the same way on my end. I'm torn as to whether I should text him tomorrow asking how the trip was or just leave it to him to reach out if he wants to. Any advice there?

 

In other news....I noticed this weekend that my ex (the one that brought me here to ENA) who I have always kept contact with, unfriended me on Facebook. Now this probably actually happened weeks ago, I noticed I didn't see any posts but he's been known to drop of fb occasionally so I thought he had done that again... but I just noticed this weekend one of our mutual friends got married and he was tagged in the pictures but what was coming up in my news feed were other friends that were also tagged and not him (and when I looked at who liked the pictures he shows up with a "friend" button next to him like we're not friends but I could add him....so at least I'm not blocked lol). Not a big deal really. My first reaction was a shrug and a fleeting thought that his wife probably logged onto his fb and unfriended me (as she has been known to delete my contact info from his phone after he texts me...that's not a stretch) or she asked him to unfriend me because he'd really have no reason to otherwise. I know it's just fb and it means literally nothing. We live thousands of miles apart and we never message each other or comment on posts or even like each others posts....it was just a way to keep up on his life (and him to keep up on mine I suppose) without actually having any contact....and even that was too much for this girl. All I can do is shake my head. It's silly. At this point we're only really acquaintances I won't see him and I don't want nothing to do with him romantically (he cheated one me and on her....I'd never want him back)....can't someone be a fb acquaintance with an ex? Guess not.