Out with OLD and in with....older. Or....Matchmakers, why not?

[Batya33]

I've met tall people with squeaky voices - I do think voice quality can be worked on (and should be if it is an obstacle to communicating whether professionally, socially, both).

[PH Suite]

^ Agreed. As always, I didn't say "all" and a few exceptions don't negate the facts.

[LoveSoDeep]

Yeah some people have filters like Saluk mentioned I think that's a bit silly, but everyone has preferences. I wouldn't rule out a guy for being tall even if it was an awkward difference at first. As for shorter guys well I'm just not physically attracted to some body types that shorter people have (myself incuded lol)

 

I agree with PH it's sometimes more about the body types at certain heights. It's much easier to have the "lean and toned" body type at 5'5"+ (for a woman) or 5'10"+(for men) than it is at shorter heights. Then I think there's either your rail thin body types(think pixie or horse jockey or tall and lanky who have smaller skeletal frames) or your overweight body types and that's about it....at 5'1" the shape options are limited. The average or in between of those two tends to be more curvy because were cramming everything into a smaller space. lol

 

Personally I'm a bit curvy I have more weight in my hips and caboose but if I were 5'6' it would all be distributed differently (maybe more evenly) and I'd be a different body type. Some guys love my body type and some guys don't. Some guys love my height and some guys don't. I'm not going to lose sleep over it, because guess what? I like my body type and I like my height and that's all that matters. However, just because I like this myself or in short women doesn't mean I have to like this in men.....because well I'm not sexually attracted to women I may be okay with it but it's not a turn on in either men or women...and since I'm only into men that's all that really matters there. I'm also not attracted to the skinny body type in either short or tall people. Sure that limits my dating pool but I've accepted that fact.

 

Still nothing. Anyway, I had another thought about what may have given him a second thoughts and that is when he talked about his daughter he said she was a perfect angel....and I was hesitant to believe that he wasn't just biased. Let's face it everyone thinks their kid is awesome... and very few kids are actually awesome. Not saying she's not a good kid but let's be honest there's always some parental biasing going on. Then he said she acts up for her mother but not for him (um proof she's not a perfect angel....just saying) and I mentioned that something must be different between how her mom does things and how he does them or the child wouldn't react to them differently. He didn't seem to not approve of my opinion at the time, but maybe after thinking about it he thought my opinions on his daughter were too much for him. Oh well.

[saluk]

Haha I think some people missed my joke or I told it badly I said height is a silly filter and then listed my preference for shorter girls. Many of our filters/preferences are silly - but at the end of the day we still have them. Sometimes you can go outside what you think you like. I've done that before, and my preferences changed. But it wasn't really intentional.

 

"He didn't seem to not approve of my opinion at the time, but maybe after thinking about it he thought my opinions on his daughter were too much for him." Yeah could have been. Someone saying good things about their kid early on in dating is probably not going to be receptive to something that sounds like "are you sure she's really as good as you say?" I don't remember, did you say if you have kids or not? He may have picked up on your attitude toward kids in general "Let's face it everyone thinks their kid is awesome... and very few kids are actually awesome." I don't agree with that statement.

[LoveSoDeep]

"He didn't seem to not approve of my opinion at the time, but maybe after thinking about it he thought my opinions on his daughter were too much for him." Yeah could have been. Someone saying good things about their kid early on in dating is probably not going to be receptive to something that sounds like "are you sure she's really as good as you say?" I don't remember, did you say if you have kids or not? He may have picked up on your attitude toward kids in general "Let's face it everyone thinks their kid is awesome... and very few kids are actually awesome." I don't agree with that statement.

 

No, I don't have kids....however I have siblings that are much younger than me and very close in age so I basically co-parented them with my mom, lol. Actually they have told me now that we're all adults that they always thought of me as their second mom....and the cooler one. Anyway, no. No kids yet but I do want them. I'm just a realist. No one's child is a complete angel....mine won't be either. So my comments weren't so much about how good his child is but about his unrealistic view of the situation. I did not say the second part you placed in quotes...nor anything even close to it. Just when he said she was an angel I gave him a sly smile with that "come on now" kinda look and said "Are you sure not just the tiniest bit biased?" Anyway if he's not a fan of my realism, then we're not a match anyway so no big loss.

[Batya33]

I would only describe my son as a perfect angel in a joking way or maybe with respect to a specific situation "luckily he was a perfect angel on the plane". On the other hand I'm uncomfortable with people who are constantly negative, in a sarcastic way, about their children. Balance is best!

 

It also sounds like if he can't lighten up at your well-meaning and cute comment (IMO) then you two are not a match.

[LoveSoDeep]

I would only describe my son as a perfect angel in a joking way or maybe with respect to a specific situation "luckily he was a perfect angel on the plane". On the other hand I'm uncomfortable with people who are constantly negative, in a sarcastic way, about their children. Balance is best!

 

It also sounds like if he can't lighten up at your well-meaning and cute comment (IMO) then you two are not a match.

 

Thanks!

 

I think like me you're on the realistic side of things. I'm totally okay with people describing their children as perfect angels in the way you described above. To me it was pretty clear he put this 4 year-old on a pretty high pedestal when I teased him he went on and n about how she always slept through the night even as a newborn and so on. He really thinks the world of her which, don't get me wrong, it's great that he loves her that much....but let's just be a little realistic. lol

 

It's okay if he doesn't think my realism is cute, someone else will.....and they're going to have to because I can't stifle it. I'm the person who when watching a movie will see something and say "It doesn't work that way!" when I notice something improbable that they snuck in just for dramatic effect or to move the story along. I'm also the queen of noticing costuming no-nos. like there's a zipper on that dress but zippers weren't invented yet (more common in older films costumers have gotten much better at this). lol

[Batya33]

You know what -I don't think a parent is necessarily being an effective parent to insist that their child is perfect or an angel and it certainly doesn't do the child any favors. Or it could mean that the parent is in denial or doesn't do the nitty gritty stuff of parenting. Loving your child means wanting to be there to guide them to make good choices and to be able to express to your child something like "I love you but I don't like your behavior" -that's called real life. Being treated as if you're a perfect angel does a disservice IMO. And it's boring too.

[thejigsup]

My son was, and is, amazing and I love him to tears. BUT, he was never a perfect angel and I am the first person to say that. I always wonder where people's heads are at when they start that "my kid is an angel" bit. They sure aren't grounded in reality.

[LoveSoDeep]

You know what -I don't think a parent is necessarily being an effective parent to insist that their child is perfect or an angel and it certainly doesn't do the child any favors. Or it could mean that the parent is in denial or doesn't do the nitty gritty stuff of parenting. Loving your child means wanting to be there to guide them to make good choices and to be able to express to your child something like "I love you but I don't like your behavior" -that's called real life. Being treated as if you're a perfect angel does a disservice IMO. And it's boring too.

 

My son was, and is, amazing and I love him to tears. BUT, he was never a perfect angel and I am the first person to say that. I always wonder where people's heads are at when they start that "my kid is an angel" bit. They sure aren't grounded in reality.

 

I couldn't agree more! The whole sense of entitlement that kids have now is really bothersome to me and I think this is one of the ways it starts.

 

Yes, it's cute that he adores his daughter. I'm so happy he loves her that much but going overboard won't help the child. Oh well. It's Friday and still not a word from him so obviously I don't need to worry about his parenting views anymore.

[LoveSoDeep]

I got a call from the matchmaker's office today. It was a new girl who I've never talked to before. She was nice and more professional than the other woman so maybe this is a change for the better.

 

Anyway they said the man they wanted to match me up with was not going to be able to meet with me for at least several weeks because of his leg injury, poor guy! However, they had someone else they thought might be a match. I'm going to try to be very open-minded here but there are a couple things I'm not sure about....for one he's 9 years older than me and has teenage children. I asked he if he for sure wanted more kids and she looked over his paperwork and said he was "open to it" and I told her being open to it and really wanting it were two different things and I want it. If I meet him and he's not really that open to it, like my first match, then it won't work. So that's my main concern....at his age I can't blame him for not wanting babies but I need to have that option.

 

The other thing which I'm trying not to make a big deal....or a deal at all is that he's 5'6" and really I have been attracted to guys of that height before so It's not physically an issue but if he has one once of insecurity about it, sorry it's not going to happen for me. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt though because he could be one of the cool ones who is totally secure with whatever they have to work with. I usually filter out guys below 5'8" when I'm doing the filtering, but you know that wasn't working for me either. lol

 

So they set up the date for a week form Friday....only problem is they set it at 5:15! Whoa! I can't even make it to that location by 5:15 unless I leave work early and I need to walk my dog and at least freshen up a little. lol So I'm going to ask if we can make it 6 or later. It's at a cute little place nearby which I have heard great things about so i'm excited to go but not at 5:15.

[Batya33]

I'm glad you are going to meet him. Do you ever have an ounce of insecurity about something about you that might be atypical or below average (I don't consider being shorter a flaw)? I'm just suggesting not to overreact and put someone who is not tall to a higher standard than you would about another physical flaw. Make sure you're not looking for insecurity because then you very well might interpret an "ounce" or more where none exists. I know you said you'd give him the benefit of the doubt but I don't think someone needs to be "cool" about his height - he just might be reasonably secure. For all you know he is neutral about it so he may not have to "work with" it.

 

I think it's very hard to get involved with someone who has teenagers although you don't have the typical child care issues to deal with. I'm glad you're willing to meet him and I hope it doesn't need to be at 5:15 -what a silly time! Maybe he has his children at night.

[LoveSoDeep]

Trust me I get what you're saying and I am by no means perfect....but attraction is a weird thing you can't always control who or what you are or are not attracted to. Do I have insecurities sure....I think everyone does. If a guy senses my insecurity and finds it unattractive....well not much I can do about that either....unless it's an insecurity I know of and want to work at changing....but even still if it's there and he's not attracted to me because of it...in that moment....nothing can be done and I accept that.

 

Over my many years in the dating pool I have come to realize that the kind of insecurity that makes a man feel the need to compensate or rather overcompensate for his stature (or perceived stature) is just a turn off to me. I can't imagine being intimate with that kind of guy....I just can't. I'm not sure I even know why....but I just can't do it. However, it's the attitude not the physical trait that I don't like. So being short isn't a turn off...but being short and then feeling like you have to be the funniest (or richest, or strongest, or most powerful...or whatever it is) person in the room at all times as a defense mechanism or to make up for being short....that's what turns me off. When I see that, I almost want to gag at the thought of kissing a guy like that.

 

So maybe my comment about and once of insecurity was a bit a harsh....maybe an once is okay. But I know my limits and if he is "that kind of guy" I know I won't be attracted to him. I'm not going to go into it expecting he will be that guy though....or at least I'm going to try my hardest to go into it expecting the best so that I'm not biased against him unfairly.....but if he is that guy....then he is.

 

I've never dated a man with teenagers....I guess on one hand he won't need a sitter but on the other he may have more activities and things to attend or be involved with. The e-mail suggested we take a stroll in the neighborhood after dinner....so it didn't seem to be implying that there was a time constraint....but yes 5:15 seems silly for a dinner date I hope it can be moved up.

[Batya33]

I think you're assuming that shorter men often have a "Napoleon" complex or trying to compensate for simply not being tall. That could be a self-fulfilling prophecy on your part - you'll see it even if he's not doing that. He might be acting that way for some other reason (still a turn-off I suppose but might be interesting to consider it). Obviously when people overcompensate for a perceived flaw it's a turn off. I went on some dates with men who did not have a college degree or perceived themselves to be less successful than me and they behaved that way. Huge turn-off.

[LoveSoDeep]

I think you're assuming that shorter men often have a "Napoleon" complex or trying to compensate for simply not being tall. That could be a self-fulfilling prophecy on your part - you'll see it even if he's not doing that. He might be acting that way for some other reason (still a turn-off I suppose but might be interesting to consider it). Obviously when people overcompensate for a perceived flaw it's a turn off. I went on some dates with men who did not have a college degree or perceived themselves to be less successful than me and they behaved that way. Huge turn-off.

 

Agreed. It's not always height that pushes men to overcompensate in this unattractive way. I think though because I am petite, that I get more men on the shorter end of the spectrum who chase after me and maybe that's just my perception...but that's what I see. So I feel like I've seen this way too much. Like I said I'm going to try to expect the best here....all I can do is try. If he's not overcompensating then he's got the same chance of piquing my interest as any other guy. There are short men I have found attractive....really I'm not that shallow....they just all happen to be spoken for just as many of the "good ones" of any height are.

 

He's got a good job (or so I'm told), blue eyes that were described to me as "striking", and hobbies that sound intriguing like volunteering with his kids and sailing (I've never been sailing before). So as far as I'm concerned this guy should have no reason to be insecure about something as silly as height. I'm going to assume he's got this figured out and try to forget I ever heard that number because that's all it is for now.....a number.

[Batya33]

So, maybe the right person for you won't be someone who "chases" you (because sometimes with that dynamic there is a healthy dose of insecurities) and rather someone who shows a genuine interest in getting to know you and is comfortable with giving you space to reciprocate -not chasing.

 

I don't think it's shallow to prefer a taller guy in a romantic relationship. (I was always happy that the typical response to shorter men was less than positive -gave me more to choose from since I preferred shorter men!).

[LoveSoDeep]

So, maybe the right person for you won't be someone who "chases" you (because sometimes with that dynamic there is a healthy dose of insecurities) and rather someone who shows a genuine interest in getting to know you and is comfortable with giving you space to reciprocate -not chasing.

 

I don't think it's shallow to prefer a taller guy in a romantic relationship. (I was always happy that the typical response to shorter men was less than positive -gave me more to choose from since I preferred shorter men!).

 

Well since I haven't found the right guy yet I can't argue there! Could be true...the super aggressive chaser types don't usually last long with me. Although there has to be enough chase to know he's interested like CmB guy....he stopped chasing altogether and in turn I lost interest. There's got to be a balance there. Like you said there needs to be interest maybe not exactly a chase but interest.

 

Well some people seem to think any physical preference is shallow that wasn't directed towards you personally. I'm glad people have preferences though because they can never all be the same and that way there really is someone for everyone. Maybe by passing up the ones who aren't for you you are really sending them on the road to the right one for them.

[Batya33]

Of course part of attraction is based on physical characteristics. Tall, skinny guys rarely did it for me (but I did stay open-minded). It's so healthy of you to lose interest when someone stops "chasing" - on the right track!

[LoveSoDeep]

They just called and it turns out he has his kids the weekend they e-mailed about.... so I have to wait another week....and THEN we'll make it at a more normal time.

 

I was at work when they called so I didn't get into it but would it weird of me to ask if waiting this long is going to mess up my match chances with the poor guy who injured his leg? Okay I know that's probably uncool to ask....but what a bummer would it be if the first guy is back at by then and I miss out because of this...then again what if this guy is the "right one" better just go with the flow and let destiny figure things out.

[Batya33]

I would not be concerned about asking the matchmakers any questions about potential matches for you.Is there a rule about only matching you with one person at a time?

[LoveSoDeep]

I would not be concerned about asking the matchmakers any questions about potential matches for you.Is there a rule about only matching you with one person at a time?

 

Well...I'm not concerned about asking the question as I am is it just the wrong question to ask. Yeah I think it's one match at a time which I'm fine with... it's the opposite of OLD where you're always looking around for the next best thing. I wanted to get away from that so this seemed like a good change. Unfortunately, I think I've gotten used to looking around so when I'm forced to slow down and focus on one guy at time it seems weird....but weird isn't always wrong.... I need to remember that. I do however feel like it's a bit slow... one match at a time doesn't seem bad if you get maybe one match a month. I guess really I've had 2 matches in the past several weeks....one is on the IR for now and the other is just busy with his kids....and the upcoming holiday weekend doesn't help either.

 

Oh well, maybe I'll find a meet-up or two to go to in the mean time. The last meet-up was fun. Didn't meet any men of interest but I did exchange numbers with a nice woman....I could use a good local girl friend to hang out with. so that could be good.

 

Oh well, I'm still trying to focus on my finances and making sure my career is on track so some extra "me time" isn't the worst thing that could happen to me right now. I'm on a really strict plan to pay off my credit cards (being out of work and moving really did a number on my credit card balances) and have at least 2 months of reserves in savings. I'll have my mini cushion (mini because I know I need more but it's a start) in 4-5 months and by then I'll be halfway to my credit goal. It feels good to be back on track but I'm really pulling back on spending and I feel like i'm depriving myself so I may have to rethink this pace on a few months so I don't burn out.

[Batya33]

I don't relate to focusing on one guy at a time especially when the guy is a stranger/near stranger. I know for sure that making sure I was meeting/dating and trying to meet as many men as possible at a time through OLD and other ways was the best possible way for me to find the right person to marry and to become the right person because often times I learned a lot about myself even from the unpleasant and "meh" experiences. I understand why the matchmaking group does it that way but it sounds like that is only one of a number of ways you are meeting people. I also felt a lot more relaxed when I didn't put all my eggs in one basket too soon or "focus" on someone I didn't know well yet or know whether there was potential. That way I could be more of my true self on those early dates.

 

I think the group does one match at a time mostly to maximize their profit -if they had to promise more than that they would need to pay staff for more hours or hire more staff to keep up with the personalized attention.

[LoveSoDeep]

Totally agree, I'm sure it is partly a business decision.

 

This isn't the only way I'm looking, don't worry. I'm still doing meet-ups, I'm still on CmB and OKC. I'm still on the lookout. I'm just not having a lot of luck in general, but I'm sure that's change eventually.

 

I think I'm going to e-mail them today. I dunno it's possible the broken leg guy could be ready to go out by the time this date is set for.... and honestly I don't want to wait 3 weeks for a guy I'm not convinced is really a match for me. They haven't sent me the date confirmation but I'm thinking about e-mailing them and saying I honestly don't think I want to wait that long for a date with someone who they can't confirm "Wants more kids" at this point a 47 year old who's "open to it" isn't good enough for me to wait 3 weeks. I'd rather wait those 3 weeks for a guy closer to my age or more sure about wanting kids. I feel guilty saying that but.....yeah it needs to be done.

[Batya33]

And who knows the 47 year old might break his ankle or pinky in that time ;-)

[LoveSoDeep]

And who knows the 47 year old might break his ankle or pinky in that time ;-)

 

Hehe! Right!?! I know you were joking....but anyone could break anything in 2.5 weeks time at any age.

 

I'm really not a person who suffers from FOMO but man I feel like I have a raging case of it right now. I don't really like it. I e-mailed them and let them know about my concerns and they tried calling me (before 5pm) I couldn't answer. Then I got an e-mail to confirm the date for 2.5 weeks out and then this e-mail:

"Hi LSD, I just got your email and I understand your concern about 'X'. If I have the matchmaker find you another match while you wait for 'broken leg guy' it'll still end up being a few weeks out till you could meet. Waiting for 'broken leg guy' is fine, we are going to be checking in with him today to see how his recovery is going and maybe lock down a date for his availability. In the meantime, I think you should meet with 'X' and just see where it goes, he is open to having children would love to see you! Let me know what you decide and we will go from there."

 

If they are saying agreeing to this date with X does not take me out of the dating pool completely then I'm okay with giving it a shot. I just don't want to spend all this time waiting on a date with someone I'm not sure about only to find out I missed out on others who I feel might have a better chance at being a match. If I were setting things up myself I would have no problem juggling these 2 opportunities, but I'm not the one setting things up.

 

Also I dunno maybe I'm being pessimistic but when I asked about kids I very pointedly said that I knew as an older man with teenagers already I couldn't blame him for not wanting to start over so I wanted to verify if he said he wanted more kids and she looked at his form and said he was "open to it" well I filled out the form too and "open to it" isn't an option. So that means the matchmaker prodded him and asked "would you be open to more children?" (she did this to me on several questions) and he said something like "Oh, well....I guess so for the right woman....sure why not." That's just not the same as wanting kids and at 47 it's even more of a maybe....I mean come on, by the time we even got close to that option I'd be 40 and he'd be pushing 50 I just don't see it as a real possibility....so he's saying yes or maybe to the question because he doesn't want to get filtered out. That's not really what I want.

 

I'm torn about what I should say.