Out with OLD and in with....older. Or....Matchmakers, why not?

[PH Suite]

^ Excellent points. I think the phone vetting is much better suited, I'd say necessary, in the OLD situation, no matter what people purport on their profiles.

 

Wish you good luck and a good time!

[LoveSoDeep]

So we went to this little dive bar in a part of the city I'd never been to before and it was kinda like a little that sports bar by my place back home in the midwest with the shuffle board, pool tables, ping pong and arcade games. Anyway we grabbed a beer and went to sit down and some people were playing ping pong and they were really animated about it at one point I thought they were doing a little jig over there and it was distracting lol then they hit the ball under M's chair and came to get it and they all knew him! 3 of them live in the city and one was visiting from out of town so we chatted with them for a minute. When we went to get another beer someone took our table so we sat on a bench and watched his friends play ping pong and just talked. He's from Iowa which I knew so there's a mid-west connection, I have no idea how old he is probably 30 but I'm not bringing that up until he does, and he's an only child. He works at a ropes course and a kayaking place and he's an EMT and volunteers with one of the island fire departments sometimes. He lives with 3 girls in a not so awesome part of town but that just tells me he really loves what he does and he's following his heart and I'm okay with that. He does have a college degree and EMT certification if he wanted to make more money he could, but this is obviously what he loves to do, so good on him.

 

After our second beer he said he had to work at 8am today so we should go but he asked if I wanted to go walk down by the water first, I of course said yes. We walked towards the lake and came to the smallest park I have ever seen like a patch of grass and a picnic table. lol A group of people were down by the water so we went over by the picnic table and he wanted to get a better view so he climbed up on top of it. We could see a local landmark that I live very close to so he said we were looking to see if we could see my building, I knew we wouldn't. He stood close behind me and got in close and we enjoyed the view over the water. After a bit I was looking over my shoulder slightly to talk to him and we were joking about the tiny park and he said "Oh I don't know it has it's charms." and he turned me around and pulled me in for a kiss. After a nice couple kisses he helped me down from the table and we walked down the street by some houseboats....seriously I've never seen houseboats before so weird! lol We went back towards the bar and since I took the bus and he drove he offered to drive me home.

 

So we get to my place and we're chatting in his car and I see a guy in a suit walk by in front of us. Shortly after that we were kissing and we hear this loud noise, we don't see anything weird so we laugh it off. A good 10-15 minutes later we get out of the car. He gets out and comes around to my side to help me out and there's the guy in the suit unconscious on the sidewalk with his head in the dirt just off the sidewalk. M goes over and wakes him up and helps him to sit up and asks if he's okay and where he's going. The guy doesn't speak English very well. M sees his nose is scraped up so he checks to see if he back of his head is messed up and it not so for some reason he was just sleeping there on the sidewalk (well he is totally drunk so that's why he was sleeping on the sidewalk lol). We get him to tell us where he's staying and it's a hotel like 30 minutes dive away so we ask if we can call him a cab and we babysit him for 15 minutes waiting for the cab, get him in the cab and get him to pay the cabby before they leave because he's so drunk he can't do anything without help. What a nice guy, right? I mean really he was genuinely concerned about this complete stranger and I could tell never for a moment did he consider just leaving this guy to fend for himself. I was definitely impressed.

 

Then he's going to walk me to my door but as we get to the door a neighbor (who I actually know lol) comes up and says hi so it would be weird to say goodbye right then and we all just all 3 go in he and I and up to my apt and I grab my dog so she can go out and we can say goodbye. Of course, he thinks she's adorable. We go out and she does her thing and we're kissing goodnight and a couple guys come down the sidewalk towards us they don't have a dog but my dog barks at them anyway...she usually only does this when there's another dog but I think because she knew we weren't paying attention and people we coming she barked to warn us. lol such a good little guard dog. Anyway he texted me this morning saying he had a good time and he's a little tired today at work but he's "okay with it."

 

I think seeing my apartment (briefly and even though it's a mess right now) and that I live alone he's got to know that I make good money and possibly that I'm older than he is (just since I'm more established) so I hope he's secure enough that neither of those things scare him off. I guess we'll see.

 

All in all a good first date I think.

[Batya33]

It does sound like a good, and fun, first date!

[Rosti87]

I'm suggesting, and I've seen, that often -very often - people don't quite realize what a relationship entails and requires, especially since that can vary from one partner to another. They tend to want to fix their last relationship with a new person however what's required to be in a relationship with your last bf might be very different than what's required to make it work with the next bf... especially if that next bf is much different or is the better man you may've wished for.

 

People will say they want to be wealthy and they want a relationship with an awesome partner, but are they willing to pay their dues? Most are not, so they should be careful what they wish for.

 

Everything has its costs, even if only opportunity costs. People tend to live in denial and blame when the piper comes calling.

I'm hearing you. Be careful what you wish for. I think that improving oneself whatever that might be takes work and discipline if you need to change habits or patterns to achieve it. I would think relationships are similar.

 

That is why after a certain age it is more challenging to make change and retain the change. I would suspect that *some* people on OLD had an intent of improving themselves so that they attract a better partner but could not retain the changes they made and slipped back I to the old habits to the disappointment of the other party.

[LoveSoDeep]

I'm hearing you. Be careful what you wish for. I think that improving oneself whatever that might be takes work and discipline if you need to change habits or patterns to achieve it. I would think relationships are similar.

 

That is why after a certain age it is more challenging to make change and retain the change. I would suspect that *some* people on OLD had an intent of improving themselves so that they attract a better partner but could not retain the changes they made and slipped back I to the old habits to the disappointment of the other party.

 

Good point! With OLD it's easy to portray the person you want to be...the person you need to be to have a good relationship, but it's very difficult to make changes sometimes and even harder to keep them up in the long run. Not everyone can do it and that's why at about the 3 month mark there's usually a realization that one person in the relationship may not be who the other thought they were...it's not because they lied or anything malicious....it's that maybe they fell back into who they really are.

 

I haven't heard from M today but I know he's working we talked about it on our date when he told his friends they should come out to his work on Sunday....he didn't invite me out although I would have enjoyed it probably because it might be weird to have me there...he wouldn't be able to pay much attention to me. He had a special public free event today and it's been kinda rainy so it's either busy and very messy or slow and too wet to be getting you phone out too often. So I think I'll wait until later this evening and just send a hope the day went well kind of text.

[Rosti87]

It is probably too early for him to invite you to where he works. I was under the impression that one did not introduce people to whom you are dating until you are an established couple. But my notion may be dated.

[LoveSoDeep]

It is probably too early for him to invite you to where he works. I was under the impression that one did not introduce people to whom you are dating until you are an established couple. But my notion may be dated.

 

No, I agree. It's probably way too early for that. I wasn't put off at all that he didn't invite me.

 

I only mentioned it because that's how I know he's working on a Sunday and that since he is working I'm not upset that he hasn't texted me. I get he feeling he;s not a 24/7 texted....which is absolutely fine by me. Actually he told me he's extremely extroverted to the point that he wants to be around people all the time, like if he's watching TV and one of his roommate goes to make dinner he'll follow them to the kitchen he just has to be where people are....my guess is texting just isn't what he considers the real interaction that he craves.

[LoveSoDeep]

Hmm maybe he didn't work today after all. I texted him asking how his day was he said he had a lazy Sunday which he needed since he was up late Friday (which he said was totally worth it) then had to work, did a long training run with his buddy who I met at the meet-up as well, and then went to a wedding. Then he asked how my day was. So in response I said I loved lazy Sundays and he sounded like he earned one. I finished up my mostly lazy Sunday with a good home cooked meal.

 

I'm realizing if I don't ask a question he's quick to drop out of a text conversation. lol I know a lot of people like this and it really doesn't bother me it's just a funny realization. Of course now that ship has sailed I can't ask a question now

...or you know what...to heck with it if I don't who know how long it'll be....so I threw out a random question about the long run he mentioned. Because I have to hold up my end of the convo too. If I just let things drop I'll seem disinterested, which I'm not.

 

So now he's said more than once that he had fun Friday or that staying out late was worth it that makes me feel pretty confident that there will be a second date....just not sure how that's going to play out. He doesn't seem to be in hurry. We met on Saturday didn't have our fist date until the next Friday and so maybe our next date won't be for another week. Part of me feels like "if he really liked me he'd want to see me tomorrow" and the other part of me thinks "don't be silly this a perfectly fine and healthy pace" I need to listen more to the second voice. lol

[Batya33]

I think the assumption is that if there are no plans for a second date there is no second date no matter what he said or did on Friday. Not to be negative at all -just realistic. If he asks you out again, great, but there's no "waiting" at this point -just moving along. I personally would not text him again since you don't have a date planned.

[notalady]

I think the assumption is that if there are no plans for a second date there is no second date no matter what he said or did on Friday. Not to be negative at all -just realistic. If he asks you out again, great, but there's no "waiting" at this point -just moving along. I personally would not text him again since you don't have a date planned.

 

Agree with this. I would cut down the expectations of a second date at this point, and assume there is no second date forthcoming. If there end up being one, you are pleasantly surprised. If not, no big deal and you're not disappointed.

[thejigsup]

Yeah, any man that wanted me almost tripped over themselves planning a second date. This guy sounds nice, but a bit distant. I could be wrong, and I hope that I am.

[LoveSoDeep]

I think the assumption is that if there are no plans for a second date there is no second date no matter what he said or did on Friday. Not to be negative at all -just realistic. If he asks you out again, great, but there's no "waiting" at this point -just moving along. I personally would not text him again since you don't have a date planned.

 

Yep. I agree, I'm not waiting by the phone or anything. We didn't make plans for a second date we did talk about what we could do if we went out again but there wasn't a "Let's do this on Saturday" type discussion. So I know at this point nothing is planned and it's probably best to act like it is what it is. It was a nice date and nothing will take away from that but that's all it was one nice date.

 

Agree with this. I would cut down the expectations of a second date at this point, and assume there is no second date forthcoming. If there end up being one, you are pleasantly surprised. If not, no big deal and you're not disappointed.

 

I agree and I'll go ahead with whatever plans I want to make for this next weekend and if other dates come my way I'll accept them as well. I was just saying that sometimes you feel like there's no chance of a second date and I didn't get that feeling. I'll just be happy with the one nice date we had and if that's all is then it's still a positive in my mind.

 

Yeah, any man that wanted me almost tripped over themselves planning a second date. This guy sounds nice, but a bit distant. I could be wrong, and I hope that I am.

 

Yep, there's that. I have had that experience too. I don't know if he's distant or just playing it cool until he knows his schedule...his schedule seems really erratic (when compared to my M-F 8-5 schedule).

 

Best thing to do is to not dwell on it. I swear guys can sense when you are dwelling on it and sitting by the phone so I'm definitely not going to do that.

[PH Suite]

You could also ask him out, 'cuz "equality".

[LoveSoDeep]

You could also ask him out, 'cuz "equality".

 

Haha! I love having a man's opinion on this thread!

 

True. I'm not against that....but really does a guy want the girl to ask for the second date? I'd like to give him a chance first just in case. lol

 

So here's how the discussion of a possible second date went....and this is why you could be right. We had gone up to get my dog and let her "do her thing" and we were standing on the sidewalk in front of my building and I'm not gonna lie he didn't seem to want to leave. Which I realize not many men are going to turn down a chance to come inside and see where things go so I wasn't surprised but I keep my first dates PG-13.

 

We talked about how much fun we had on our date and I asked what new interesting place he would show me next time and his response was "I dunno what are you going to show me?" to which I said "Oh, well I'll have to think about that" was this a sexual joke or does he want me to come up with a place....or both? So after another kiss I said something like "Okay well we should go but our next date can pick up right where leave off, right here." And he smiled and moved off the sidewalk down on step towards my front door and said "How about right here....yeah, I like this better." I agreed he said good night to my dog and walked us both the 10 feet to the door and as I was walking inside I called back a quick "drive safe" and that was it. Until of course, he texted before work the next morning.

 

I mean I think there's definitely a case for "the ball's in my court." I don't want to drop the ball but I also don't want to seem needy or get my expectations up. In either case I'm not making any moves for a couple days.

[Batya33]

Nothing to do with "equality" IMO unless you are calling him for a business/professional reason. It sounds from your description that you did most of the talking about plans and he focused on how much fun he'd had. You showed interest by responding to his text the next day. I would assume the ball is in his court since you already made it clear you'd like to see him again. Not bad or good as far as his focus - it is what it is. He did not choose to close the deal and make a specific plan and he might do that later in the week, or not.

[notalady]

I don't think anything in that exchange that suggests ball is in your court.

 

If he had asked "when can I see you again" or "when would you be free for a second date" and you didn't accept it right away, then yes ball's in your court. Not in this case. The way he diverted your question about where he's going to show you next time kinda give me a feeling that he's hesitant to ask you out for a second date, at least at that stage.

 

I wouldn't ask him out and just wait for him to make the move.

 

Edit to add: agree with Batya, you've already made it very clear that you would like to go out with him again, I don't think he would have missed that.

[Rosti87]

Also we don't know his MO. He may just want a bit of fun nothing progressive. But not enough info to pinpoint it. Hopefully does ask at some point.

[LoveSoDeep]

Nothing to do with "equality" IMO unless you are calling him for a business/professional reason. It sounds from your description that you did most of the talking about plans and he focused on how much fun he'd had. You showed interest by responding to his text the next day. I would assume the ball is in his court since you already made it clear you'd like to see him again. Not bad or good as far as his focus - it is what it is. He did not choose to close the deal and make a specific plan and he might do that later in the week, or not.

 

All very good points and I agree. I'm not particularity worried that he didn't solidify plans right then as I know he has a schedule that changes often. I would guess that you are right and he knows I would be interested in seeing him again and that should be enough.

 

I don't think anything in that exchange that suggests ball is in your court.

 

If he had asked "when can I see you again" or "when would you be free for a second date" and you didn't accept it right away, then yes ball's in your court. Not in this case. The way he diverted your question about where he's going to show you next time kinda give me a feeling that he's hesitant to ask you out for a second date, at least at that stage.

 

I wouldn't ask him out and just wait for him to make the move.

 

Edit to add: agree with Batya, you've already made it very clear that you would like to go out with him again, I don't think he would have missed that.

 

Yep. I agree I made it pretty clear. If he missed that he needs more than glasses.

 

My only hesitation here is he's younger than me...while I'm playing in the rules of my generation (and he probably doesn't know I'm a Gen-Xer) he may be playing by totally different rules where girls are supposed to ask guys out....or not that they are supposed to but that they do it more often and it's widely accepted.

 

Even if that is the case....I am more the person who lets the guy take the lead. So I think I'll probably let him do his thing...whatever that is. lol

[Rosti87]

I'm in the 'wait for him' camp as well. Besides he has the randomized schedule.

[notalady]

I don't think the "rules", for the lack of a better word, have changed that much accross generations, I'm a Gen Yer, play by the very same "rules" you are and so have the guys I've ever dated (Gen Ys).

[LoveSoDeep]

Hehe. Thanks everyone.

 

Just so you know, I fully plan to just wait it out. I'm just kinda musing about doing it differntly here.

 

I just read a funny article about millennials and dating and this was my favorite part:

 

"If the guy ain’t into it, he ain’t gonna pursue. He will let that s**t die. And so if you want to keep asking this guy who isn’t pursuing you to grab drinks or dinner, you are just setting yourself up to be disappointed. I am not a therapist and I am not a professional on this subject but in ALL of my experience and the experience I’ve had second hand with my friends it will only work if we do it the old-fashioned way."

 

If he wants to see me again he knows how to contact me, if not he will "let that S**t die." Simple as that.

[notalady]

"Let that s**t die" hahahaha, that's one way to put it!

[LoveSoDeep]

I missed a couple good ones!

 

Also we don't know his MO. He may just want a bit of fun nothing progressive. But not enough info to pinpoint it. Hopefully does ask at some point.

 

Very true I have no idea what he's hoping for yet. No reason to get overexcited. The event that we met at was a singles event that was hosted by the matchmaker but is also open to the public and promoted on meet-up. And he was there with his friend so he may have only intended to be a wingman.

 

I don't think the "rules", for the lack of a better word, have changed that much accross generations, I'm a Gen Yer, play by the very same "rules" you are and so have the guys I've ever dated (Gen Ys).

 

Good to know. I feel like most of the younger guys I've talked to not dated but knew....like friends of my younger siblings....were in the "women can and should ask men out" camp but maybe that was just them.

 

"Let that s**t die" hahahaha, that's one way to put it!

 

Yeah, that's a pretty good one. I actually did LOL in my cubical.

[Batya33]

I don't think it's really about the Rules here - at least not to an extreme because you were the opposite of 'hard to get" -not easy in the least just very clear that you would accept a second date from a guy who's told you he's not shy.

 

Schedule, shmedule. My husband asked me out two weeks in advance when we were first dating because he was working crazy hours plus traveling. I always worked crazy, unpredictable hours and if I really wanted to see someone I would simply make the plan with the condition of "I may have to reschedule if there is a work emergency". That was fine 98% of the time. 2% of the time I had men who, despite being told that, would not reschedule if I had to cancel because of work. Since that was my working life back then it wouldn't have worked between us anyway.

[LoveSoDeep]

Good point. I wasn't playing that hard to get I mean I wasn't going overboard and taking him to bed but he had to know I was into it. I think being shy about asking a woman on a date and being extroverted in the way he explained it could be very different things. But it all boils down to if he wants to see me again he knows how to make that happen. I think he has more than one job and they can have weird hours and aren't scheduled far in advance....could be wrong but that's the impression I got. I hear you though, if he wants to see me that shouldn't stop him. We met on a Saturday texted a little on Sunday when he said we should go out a but he'd have to check his schedule to see when and then he came back with the date on Tuesday and we didn't firm up a place or time until much later in the week. maybe he's being laid back about it and maybe he's lost interest. Only time will tell and I'm not going to dwell on it.

 

Sure he could have set up a second date then and there but I've been told by a few guys that they don;t do that just because they don't want to look desperate or needy. Of course I tell them women are okay with it because it lets them know where you stand but if a guy has that in his head he's not going to change. And honestly asking a woman out then next day or a few days later works just the same if he's going to say yes she's going to say yes (unless she meets someone else or something).

 

I reactivated my PoF account last night just to see what it was like here. I haven't used it since I moved so I thought I'd give it a try. maybe a nice distraction if nothing else. CmB hasn't given me a match in like a week. Guess my bagels ran out. lol