Amazing girlfriend, but she is texting her ex.

[localvet]

I am 42, younger Gf. ok, here it is. 5 months in and this is, for both of us, the best relationship we have had. No fights, no crazy, everything is so easy etc.. Things have been getting better everyday. However!!!! I discovered she is texting her ex! She does not know I know this. I did not snoop. one day she laid her phone down and I saw a man's name. Discovered he was her ex, they broke up about a year ago after a 3 year on and off relationship where they saw each other once or twice a week only. We are always together when not at work. I do not believe she would, or is cheating at all. so I let it go. The the other day we are having lunch and the guy walks in! My gf did not see him, I did. He looked at us, hid then left. He then came back in, went down another isle, he and I made eye contact and he left. It was obvious he saw her car out front and came in to see her. So I told her what I saw, she asked how I knew who he is. I just told her I saw a picture on Facebook of him and her and etc... She got upset that the picture is out there and said she will contact him and tell him to take it down. Said she hasn't contacted him in awhile. At this point it was a month or so since I saw his name on her phone, but I also saw she put him as a reference on an application she filled out. So...semantics...ugh... So now to the next day! We have an awesome day together, she gets a text while we are holding each other on the couch. She leans away and reads and replies. OK, fine, none of my business, as I said she is always with me and etc... When saying good bye she ones her phone and I see his name pop up as a recent text, and the last reply is "XO" no emoji, but "XO" ...this means hug and kiss! I say nothing. Next day we spent the entire day together, and have plans today. So... I do not feel like I can tell her I saw all of this. I do not even know if I should care at all. Hell she could have texted asking if she can use him as a reference the first time, and then maybe he texted her the other night wishing her luck in her new relationship...UGH!!! I don't know. She says amazing things to me about how she feels about me and how important I am and etc... she doesn't go radio silent for hours on end, and she has no blank time away from me. But I am a little shaken and I don't know if I am just crazy and insecure or I need to hoist the red flag.

 

BTW, her family and relationship background is that she has always been made to feel guilty and bad. I do not do that at all, too old and mature. So when I do have a question about something in the past she got defensive right away and I had to explain that she wasnt beeing judged or blamed at all, I just wanted to understand her better.

 

What do you all think?

[janut1]

It is possible that they are just friends now, but if it bothers you, I would talk to her about it. No matter how much time you spend with her, I am sure if there is a will there is a way for them to meet each other, unfortunately. You cannot monitor her every move and if you don't trust her then there is a big problem with this relationship already.

 

You don't want to make her feel bad or guilty, you just want to know what there relationship status is and if there is a reason to be concerned.

[Hollyj]

The thing that I think is odd, is the way he bolted when he saw you.

 

I think you need to have an honest convo with her re. her feelings for this guy.

[catfeeder]

Sounds as though she was in recent contact to use him as a reference, no big deal. When he saw her car he expected to say hello, but then saw you and didn't want to intrude.

 

I think you're doing a form of snooping, and to raise the guy with her outside the context of what you saw in the restaurant will open a can of worms about YOUR behavior.

 

Either you trust GF, or you don't. It makes no sense to say that you do and then behave as if you don't, and that incongruence will become obvious to her at some point.

[Tinydance]

Well, I would not necessarily trust the ex actually. Some of my ex's I was still in contact with were actually trying to hit on me, even though I had no interest in them at all anymore. There might be nothing going on at all, but to put your mind at ease, I would probably just talk to your girlfriend about all of that. I think the problem is you haven't said anything because you're trying to "play it cool" but you're just bottling it up and clearly it's really starting to bother you.

[HeartGoesOn]

It's one thing to request a reference from him, yet I'd be a bit concerned with the "xo's." That said, I wouldn't grill her on the stand, but I would become more aware. Of course it could be nothing, but I'd still cut the cards.

[Willywagtail]

Maybe you're just 'crazy and insecure?' You obviously like her and it's going well, so your antennae may be on alert for anything that might disrupt this.

 

Some people DO have good relationships with their exes, where this is still a great deal of affection. I'm like that, and it does not involve the slightest bit of romance.

 

I'd give it all the benefit of the doubt, but maybe have a small antennae out just in case.

[abitbroken]

I think you should clear the air. Tell her what your style is when it comes to keeping up with exes - maybe your style is to be over and done with them. Maybe her style is to hold on. Maybe it will get a healthy conversation about it going. Maybe she will tell you what's up. Also, how much younger is the younger girlfriend? If she is in her 20s, maybe she is not as set on being with an older guy as you think. I think you should talk about this straight up and decide if it works for both of you now than to constantly have this ex problem keep cropping up.

[HappyisMoho]

I agree with 'abitbroken', it's obviously starting to eat you up inside and if you don't clear the air soon there's a real danger it'll come out eventually but in a way that will cause upset. I do disagree with posters on here that are saying you either trust your GF or you don't though, it's not always as clear cut as that and when it comes to ex's it can be a delicate subject. Sure this could be completely innocent, a lot of people have good relationships with their ex's, however, I think it's this unknown factor that is causing you the anxiety.

 

I would talk to her about it though, try and stay calm and accept what she says without interrogating her, if it's completely innocent she'll be open to discussing it and will want to put your mind at ease, if she gets evasive or defensive or both then I'd say she has something to hide, then I'd be concerned.

[localvet]

If she is in her 20s, maybe she is not as set on being with an older guy as you think. I

 

Her ex is 10 years older than me, I think he is a D-bag for dating so young, but...

 

I feel that if I clear the air to her I will look like I am checking up on her all the time. She will get defensive and upset and in the end wont understand that I am not looking to hurt her or make her feel guilty. We already had an issue with social media. I asked her to explain an interaction and she thought I was trying to make her feel guilty and bad. I wasn't.

[j.man]

Dude's 52 and ducking in and out of coffee shops to sneak a greeting to this girl? That's a funny picture to me.

 

In any case, if I had to guess, these two were either a long-term couple or were friends before they were together and as such, she probably honestly sees no problem with it because, well... women in particular can be pretty damn oblivious to the intentions of men no matter how hard we try to educate them on us.

 

I'd err on the side of bringing it up as well, but it's tricky bringing up the texts. You genuinely just happened to catch his texts at a glance, but she's definitely gonna be thinking you were snooping. Could bring up some trust issues. And you've already brought up the fact he peeked his head in and out that one time, so it'd be awkward doing it again. You might be in a rut for now. I'd probably just use the info you have now and be a bit more aware.

[reinventmyself]

if the phone has a pop up in plain sight with an XO I think it's open for discussion.

that and the guy ducking and hiding. .

[Ms Darcy]

Her ex is 10 years older than me, I think he is a D-bag for dating so young, but...

 

I hope you see how odd that sounds coming from the 42 year old dude dating a young woman.

 

I agree that you should just talk to her about your observations.

[localvet]

I hope you see how odd that sounds coming from the 42 year old dude dating a young woman.

 

I agree that you should just talk to her about your observations.

 

No, if she is 10 years younger, no big deal, 20 and she could be my daughter!

[localvet]

Seriously, best response! Thank you!