Court again with no expanded visitation and now mediation

[lukeb]

.... how replacing a bio father is not as easy or good for the child as she envisioned. ....

 

This is where I disagree, the evidence just doesn't bear this out. The evidence being countless adoptive parents. Like I said before if a child has a good relationship with their adoptive parents they rarely place any real significance on the fact that somewhere out there there are two people out there that contributed an egg and sperm to make them. If this is something that you want to attach a great deal of significance to, that in of itself can have some effect I suppose. Some people have poor relationships with their parents. There is really no reason to believe that Avery is going to have a poor relationship with her mother, that depends on many factors, it is incredibly unlikely the OP is going to be one of those factors. I guess it is impossible to say if Jim is going to have a good or a poor relationship with his daughter, from what I can tell, he is not off to a great start. The only way I can see his strategy working if as Avery is growing up it would turn out that she had a poor relationship with her mother and could push her to seek out her biological father. This is something he doesn't have any real control over, and there is no reason to believe it will work.

[ynguns251]

I do think Kelly is scared and the thought of losing her daughter for two days every other weekend is going to really be hard on her. I would think she would see that I am a good man and even though I never married her I think she knows that it is in Avery's best interest to be exposed to both loving parents and families. I really am shocked that a court would allow this to continue for so darn long and I really hope that the judge can see that I really have tried hard to be here for my daughter but was basically told " You are not welcomed Jim " and base his decision on how joint custody is the right action and also I have never ever compromised anything that was in Avery's best interests nor would I.

[sargon]

I would think she would see that I am a good man and even though I never married her I think she knows that it is in Avery's best interest to be exposed to both loving parents and families.

 

Kelly doesn't think any of that. If you suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth she'd be happy as can be. She doesn't think your daughter needs you in her life, she thinks she's more than enough of a parent for both of you, and the reason I know this is because I have experienced parental alienation first hand for many years during my divorce and that is how an alienator thinks.

 

You have obviously not taken my suggestions to read up on parental alienation. If you want some success with this whole mess you need to understand how your wife is now thinking, and you need to forget about how she was when things were good between you because none of that even remotely matters now.

 

I really am shocked that a court would allow this to continue for so darn long

 

That's how the system works. It's inefficient, biased, broken, and even corrupt. The last thing you want is some stranger who barely knows your case to make a life changing decision with the swipe of a pen- but that's exactly what happens. This may be your life, and your daughter's life but to a judge with a typical full schedule, you are nothing more than one of perhaps 50 cases that the judge will deal with on any given day and has maybe 10 minutes to spend on reviewing the "facts". They don't really know all the facts, they can't know all the facts because they don't have the time and even if they did have the time they really don't care all that much. They don't know the players, they don't know who is being truthful and who is lying, so they make guesses based on intuition, experience and how they might feel on that particular day, and yes it matters how you look in court, and what you say, and how you say it.

 

and I really hope that the judge can see that I really have tried hard to be here for my daughter but was basically told " You are not welcomed Jim " and base his decision on how joint custody is the right action and also I have never ever compromised anything that was in Avery's best interests nor would I.

 

Jim, none of this matters. Joint custody will only be awarded if the courts feel the parents can effectively coparent in the best interests of the child. In a high conflict situation such as yours the courts realize there cannot be effective coparenting and joint custody will NOT be awarded despite your best intentions. The courts will tend to maintain the status quo, you are pushing the proverbial cart of bricks uphill, you've already lost on many fronts for reasons explained previously, and now you have to fight to get visitation that is anywhere close to reasonable.

 

You've been told all of this by myself and several knowledgeable posters but you continue to say the same thing about how much you care and how much that should matter to the court.

 

You are going to find out the hard way that everything I told you in this post is completely accurate. As it stands, you're starting to see the reality of the situation, every time you set foot in the court house it becomes more obvious how helpless it is, and how relying on the courts to save you is a fool's game.

 

You won't get joint custody, you'll get limited visitation, and your best change of getting more time with your daughter is to do everything you can to deescalate the conflict with your wife and get to a place where you can work together for your daughter.

 

And again read up on parental alientation, hopefully then the lightbulb will go off. Start with Alec Baldwin's book, it's very similar to your situation and you sound just like he did in the first few chapters until he too, figures out that the courts don't get it right most of the time and there's no such thing as "fair" when it comes to contested divorces.You can be a victim and act like it or you can start doing your homework, join a father's rights group or at least seek out numerous forums online dedicated to exactly this topic, read stories of other fathers especially those who effectively battled to keep in contact with their kids.

 

Or just sit here and shake your head at the unfairness of it all and wonder why Kelly acts the way she does and then walk into your next court appearance completely unprepared and walk out of there shaking your head and again saying how the judge was shockingly unfair.

[22n32]

sargon is spot on, allinators always think they dont need the other parent and they can do it all themselves, study up on allination because nothing in these cases is fair, right or even common sense..

[ynguns251]

I wont back down Sargon ( never ) I will fight till the very end for my daughter and to be in her life. I have talked to many lawyers and I have an alienation suit if need be but I will see what happens on Aug 3rd at this therapist. It is weird because everytime I go to see my daughter Kelly always asks me " How many women do you have chasing you now Jim? " and I just laugh and say " I am here for my daughter only ". Sargon you had said before if " you have the $$$ " then you have a better shot at this and my parents whom are as sick as I am are paying for all my lawyers fees and will continue to help me out and also so they can see their grandaughter and allow me to feel like a father and not a check.

[abitbroken]

Victoria is right, you never walk away from your child.

 

The trouble here is the relationship or past relationship with the ex is tangled up in it emotion wise.

 

You can stick with your child and still give the ex some cool off time by not engaging with the ex except for when its time to show up for visitation. Don't ask for more time or anything different for a couple weeks aside from in mediation or something official - keep that conversation out of other times of contact. If it works better for a grandparent to be there instead of her for both of you because there is too much baggage seeing eachother, maybe you will both realize that. Buy diapers - keep the reciepts - but send stuff for the child and have it shipped direct or bring it by when you see the child without being asked to, but don't insist on your ex giving you verbal credit "walking a way" and cooling off does not mean turning your back - it just means stop fighting with the ex for a short time.

[Seraphim]

I wont back down Sargon ( never ) I will fight till the very end for my daughter and to be in her life. I have talked to many lawyers and I have an alienation suit if need be but I will see what happens on Aug 3rd at this therapist. It is weird because everytime I go to see my daughter Kelly always asks me " How many women do you have chasing you now Jim? " and I just laugh and say " I am here for my daughter only ". Sargon you had said before if " you have the $$$ " then you have a better shot at this and my parents whom are as sick as I am are paying for all my lawyers fees and will continue to help me out and also so they can see their grandaughter and allow me to feel like a father and not a check.

 

Thank you for being an honorable father, Jim. It fills my heart with gladness to hear parents who care so much about their children.

[22n32]

Thank you for being an honorable father, Jim. It fills my heart with gladness to hear parents who care so much about their children.

 

you keep stating the obvious over and over, i dont think theres one person in this thread who agrees on walking away from the child is the right thing.

[Seraphim]

you keep stating the obvious over and over, i dont think theres one person in this thread who agrees on walking away from the child is the right thing.

 

I can compliment someone if I want to.

[sargon]

I can compliment someone if I want to.

 

Your compliment to Jim seems to have an unspoken component to it, that being that the fathers who are totally beaten down by their exwives and the court system, who have no choice but to walk away from their children because of factors behind their control, are somehow inferior to those parents who fight a war they cannot possibly win. There are many "honorable" men out there whose lives have been destroyed, who have been alienated from their children, who have lost virtually everything that was ever important to them and they "walk away" because they've been pushed away and they realize there is just no way back.

 

If Jim eventually finds that the courts will do nothing for him, despite him exhausting all of his and his parents assets in legal fees, and he's still limited to 6 hours per month, and his ex gf continues to alienate him from his daughter, who eventually wants nothing to do with him, and he ultimately decides that he's out of options, and he moves on with his life, does that make him less honorable as well?

[Seraphim]

I can still compliment who I want to.

 

I can have my opinion just like you guys can.

 

Sorry you guys feel threaten by my complimenting someone. And this thread is NOT about YOU or 22 it is about Jim.

[HeartGoesOn]

Let's stay on topic, please.

[ynguns251]

Hi everyone, i am really happy as now the judge ordered her to bring my daughter to my house every other weekend for no less then 8 hrs. I also get 6 hrs at her house on the following weekend so 30 hours a month till I am comfortable and also Avery for overnights. We went to court on the 28 th and her lawyer shows up totally unprepared and says in court " can we have a continuance as I was unaware of a hearing? " the judge said " abdolutely not " and explained to her that 10 a.m.Is always the hearing time. She proceeded by asking for apsych eval because I had seen a therapist and then wanted us to continue mediation and then asked for a GAL ( which was blown off ). I found out Kelly had gone to Michigan with my daughter and the judge said that if she pulls this crap again she will be in jail for kidnapping as I am to be asked whether or not I agree to have her leave the state.

[Seraphim]

Hot damn Jim!! This is GREAT news!!! Awesome!! I am so happy for you and Avery.

[sophie274]

Such wonderful news!!! I'm so glad that all the headaches and gritting your teeth has been worth it. I'm sure there is still room for improvement, and hopefully you will eventually see Avery even more, but I hope this makes you feel like the time and faith you put into working through the system wasn't misguided. So good to see that the judge is seeing through all of her crap! ENJOY your daughter

[lukeb]

Whether this is good news or bad news remains to be seen, personally I am somewhat pessimistic about the prospects of a meaningful relationship with his daughter given the history that Jim has with his ex. It is a very strange dynamic that Avery has been born into where a relationship has been thrust upon her with someone who has such a deep loathing for her mother. A lot of it would depend on how both Jim and his ex deal with this, and up to this point not very well, lets hope for a better future.

[Seraphim]

Luke, people don't need to love their ex partner to love their kid or have a good relationship with their kid. They are two separate entities. When I was a child my parents never discussed each other even though they were divorced and there was a lot of animosity. ( my dad is severely mentally ill and abusive) if my dad crazy as he was can manage not to talk about my mother in ill fashion when I was little I am sure Jim can manage it.

[avman]

Congratulations on a good ruling in court. I hope she will follow the order but please prepare yourself if she doesn't. Document, document, document. It does indeed sound like the judge is getting tired of her crap and starting to form an opinion. So that's good for you. Keep the focus on your daughter and enjoy the time you get with her.

[lukeb]

Luke, people don't need to love their ex partner to love their kid or have a good relationship with their kid. They are two separate entities. When I was a child my parents never discussed each other even though they were divorced and there was a lot of animosity. ( my dad is severely mentally ill and abusive) if my dad crazy as he was can manage not to talk about my mother in ill fashion when I was little I am sure Jim can manage it.

 

 

I agree you don't need to love your ex to have a good relationship with your child, but you do need to be able to put the needs of your child above how you might feel about your ex. Of course everybody is going to say that they do, but it is not enough to say it. Saying something is not proof anything. A criminal saying he is innocent is not proof of innocence or a salesman who says he is honest is not an indication of honesty. The subtleties between the lines often are far more revealing than what someone is actually saying.

[Seraphim]

I think Jim's priority is his daughter.

[lukeb]

I think Jim's priority is his daughter.

 

That is a nice thought.

[Cheetarah]

You know, I have had experience with Jim off ENA. I wasn't sure about him myself earlier on, but in time I realized where his priorities lie. He is a man and father dealing with a scared mother, and I don't think him or Kelly are nuts or with ulterior motives.

 

I have found Jim to get hung up on the stuff that really doesn't matter sometimes, but this is pretty normal when parents who did not end amicably try to sort themselves out.

 

Family law is an emotionally charged area.

 

I think avery has a pretty cool dad, and she can never say he didn't try.

 

In your corner, Jim.

[sargon]

till I am comfortable and also Avery for overnights.

 

Thanks for the update, I was wondering how you were doing Jim. I'm glad that you had a positive court experience but I'm still somewhat baffled as to why you are only allowed supervised visits with your daughter? Supervised visitation is usually reserved for situations where one parent cannot be trusted to be alone with the child due to concerns of neglect or abuse.

 

I also do not understand the part of your post quoted above, about you not having overnight visits with Avery until you are comfortable? Is that what you meant, and if so why are you not comfortable being alone with your daughter?

 

She proceeded by asking for apsych eval because I had seen a therapist

 

Not understanding this either. Most of us have been to therapists at some point in our lives, so what? If anything going to a therapist shows that you care about improving yourself and dealing with your issues, it certainly does not mean that you are some sort of mental case that must be professionally evaluated by a third party court appointed therapist. On a personal level, I have been in and out of therapy and on medications for anxiety and depression, and even during my extremely messy divorce I was never asked or ordered to get a psychological evaluation. Again, I feel there must be more to this than you are explaining..?

[Cheetarah]

Thanks for the update, I was wondering how you were doing Jim. I'm glad that you had a positive court experience but I'm still somewhat baffled as to why you are only allowed supervised visits with your daughter? Supervised visitation is usually reserved for situations where one parent cannot be trusted to be alone with the child due to concerns of neglect or abuse.

 

Jim has had little time with Avery. In that case, or when a child is very young, it's not uncommon to rule on supervised as a part of a step up plan. The little girl hasn't been in her dad's house, so this makes sense.

 

As far as the psyche eval request, I'm gathering it was denied from what he wrote. When my neighbor was going through a custody battle with his child's mother, they both were screaming for evals all the time. Neither of them are or were unsuitable, they were just power struggling back then.

[ynguns251]

Thanks for sticking up for me😊. I had a great day today seeing Avery at Kellys house. She was actually very nice to me and even gave me a hug. She wants this to end and even said that she should have made her own decisions in all of this. I am not perfect and I do appreciate a woman who cares for a child ( even though she may not like me ) and it is with this attitude that I continue on with. She said today that her lawyer is the one who keeps telling her to fight and finally her sister stepped in and said " enough is enough " He is her father and this is gone way too far!!!! I said " lets think about our daughters future and not about who is right or wrong and she agreed ". I am optimistic but I do want other fathers to know that they should " Never give up " no matter the cost or the outcome and that if you know yourselfto be a good person and also a loving one " all will come to play one way or another ". I had such a good time taking Avery to eat and watching her laugh and smile and even seeing Kelly smile instead of frowning ( priceless ) 😊😊😊😊