Court again with no expanded visitation and now mediation

[ynguns251]

I had DNA test done in October.

[lukeb]

So we keep going over the same old stuff again and the only thing you're proving without a doubt is how dysfunctional your relationship is between you and your ex. You may think it matters who is at blame here but ultimately it doesn't.

 

Has there ever been any progress in court in regards to custody? Sounds there has only been talk about visitation rights, and it sounds like mediation has only dealt with trying to expand on visitation and trying to get them unsupervised. How realistic do you (and/or) your lawyer think it is you could possibly gain joint or full custody or is this only about making your ex's life difficult?

[ynguns251]

Luke dysfunctional is true but when you try everything to work as a co-parenting team and get nowhere what is there to do? I have asked for more visitation time and gotten nowhere I even said I would drive there but was told " No " so if you really think that I am wasting my time and should give in to her that is your opinion but I have a great family and a lot of support both on here and in my personal life and as a firefighter who takes risks almost everyday I am ready to take this one. I want to be a father and a loving one and that is what I will get as I know good will prevail even if she got sole custody she will have no choice but to let me have overnights with my daughter.

[lukeb]

Luke dysfunctional is true but when you try everything to work as a co-parenting team and get nowhere what is there to do? I have asked for more visitation time and gotten nowhere I even said I would drive there but was told " No " so if you really think that I am wasting my time and should give in to her that is your opinion but I have a great family and a lot of support both on here and in my personal life and as a firefighter who takes risks almost everyday I am ready to take this one. I want to be a father and a loving one and that is what I will get as I know good will prevail even if she got sole custody she will have no choice but to let me have overnights with my daughter.

 

What I am trying to say is the reason why co-parenting wouldn't work is because your relationship is dysfunctional as opposed to you can't get her to agree to co-parenting because your relationship is dysfunctional. (There is a difference.)

 

You can ask for more visitation time but what reason would she give it to you? Out of the goodness of her heart? Because you are a great guy and a firefighter who takes risks to save lives?

 

You may or may not be wasting your time to get more visitation, and perhaps even court ordered overnight stays. Those are possibilities. You will be wasting a lot of money and effort if she doesn't agree to anything willingly. Your visits will probably the fraught with a lot of difficult emotions with everyone involved including your daughter... You will be wasting your time to try to fight her for joint custody, and actually is really your only card you can play and to give her what she wants, and to not fight her on something you are never going to get in the first place. I've said this before but there is nothing in your answer that even responds to it in anyway, so maybe I should stop.

[Seraphim]

One's child is always worth the effort and money. The man just wants to be a father to his daughter this is not about pissing off the ex.

[lukeb]

One's child is always worth the effort and money. The man just wants to be a father to his daughter this is not about pissing off the ex.

 

I could not disagree with you more Victoria. It depends on how that effort and money is spend, so not nearly always. It may be true that he wants to be a father, but he is giving his ex a lot of reasons to believe that this isn't true at all, he could be doing a lot more to give his ex reasons to believe it's true. He is acting like a guy who doesn't seem to be able to past his break-up. If he wants to be a father he needs to do more than demand expanded visitation, and joint custody. Some of that effort that you are talking Victoria could have been spent gaining his ex's trust and would have gone a lot farther than all the other efforts he has been engaged in. It is actually very easy for you to say and believe it, just like it is very easy for me to say it, it is not like it is your daughter, or my daughter. So its easy.

[Seraphim]

However you believe he should give up his daughter and walk away.

[TMifune]

No amount of supplication is going to make a woman who's decided to be petty about custody and visitation arrangements with her child's father suddenly decide to be reasonable about it. I haven't read every post in this thread, but I don't see evidence that she doesn't "trust" him, only evidence that she's not willing to share....which is tragic because ultimately it's their child who suffers in the long run.

[lukeb]

However you believe he should give up his daughter and walk away.

In this case yes that would have been the best but there are other options and things he could have done and could be doing.

[Seraphim]

In this case yes that would have been the best but there are other options and things he could have done and could be doing.

 

It is never the best option to walk away from your kid.

[Cheetarah]

I think it was in my ex's case. He would make a terrible father. Not that he did it because he has any self-awareness about that, but nevertheless - If people aren't going to do the work on themselves they need to do to be a good parent, they should take a hike.

[TMifune]

I think it was in my ex's case. He would make a terrible father. Not that he did it because he has any self-awareness about that, but nevertheless - If people aren't going to do the work on themselves they need to do to be a good parent, they should take a hike.

 

But realistically both biological parents are usually too biased to be involved in making that decision.

[Seraphim]

I think it was in my ex's case. He would make a terrible father. Not that he did it because he has any self-awareness about that, but nevertheless - If people aren't going to do the work on themselves they need to do to be a good parent, they should take a hike.

 

This is true.

 

But in this guy's case that's not true. I think he genuinely does want to be a good dad and he should be given that opportunity.

[lukeb]

It is never the best option to walk away from your kid.

 

You have hinted a few times that you have a terrible relationship with your father, I doubt somehow it would have been all that fantastic if he had been around a lot more, I would venture to guess it probably would have been worse. It is only when children who are adopted have a bad relationship with their adoptive parents do they wish and hope that they had not been abandoned by their biological parents. It can happen that children sometimes go on a quest to find their real birth parents, but if their relationship with the people who raised them is good they rarely lose sight of who their real parents are, namely the people who raised them. If your Dad was such a horrible man and you want nothing to do with him, why wouldn't it have been the best option for him to walk away?

[Seraphim]

You have hinted a few times that you have a terrible relationship with your father, I doubt somehow it would have been all that fantastic if he had been around a lot more, I would venture to guess it probably would have been worse. It is only when children who are adopted have a bad relationship with their adoptive parents do they wish and hope that they had not been abandoned by their biological parents. It can happen that children sometimes go on a quest to find their real birth parents, but if their relationship with the people who raised them is good they rarely lose sight of who their real parents are, namely the people who raised them. If your Dad was such a horrible man and you want nothing to do with him, why wouldn't it have been the best option for him to walk away?

 

Luke I was RAISED by my dad. I was raised by him from birth to six years old. My parents were also married. And then from 13 to 24.

 

Jim doesn't sound like a bad dad. You can't even compare Jim and my father. They're not even comparable.

[Cheetarah]

I tasted the pudding and the proof was in the eating. I should rephrase with "He is a terrible father" rather than he would make one.

 

I think that Jim wants to be a father, and that's great. I think people should understand this sort of drama is not 'abnormal', unfortunately. Not that it is healthy by any means, but it's pretty commonplace for a lot of separated parents. Not all, but a nice handful. And that it's too easy to get wrapped up in it and lose sight of what's really important from time to time. It happens. He's human. I don't think that it means he has bad ulterior motives.

[Cheetarah]

Luke I was RAISED by my dad. I was raised by him from birth to six years old. My parents were also married. And then from 13 to 24.

 

Jim doesn't sound like a bad dad. You can't even compare Jim and my father. They're not even comparable.

 

I think what Luke is suggesting or asking if it would have been better for him to take a hike - Your father. As you said it's never the best option to walk away. I used to think this. Now I understand that sometimes it is the best, but it's more for extreme circumstances. Not just your every day high conflict parents trying to iron things out .

[Seraphim]

I think what Luke is suggesting or asking if it would have been better for him to take a hike - Your father. As you said it's never the best option to walk away. I used to think this. Now I understand that sometimes it is the best, but it's more for extreme circumstances. Not just your every day high conflict parents trying to iron things out .

I have no idea. I would not be me if he had. I would be somebody else. And since I can never hope to be somebody else...

 

But I don't believe Jim is like my dad.

[Cheetarah]

I don't think he is, either. I don't think even Luke thinks that. I think it was just a response to a general statement.

[ynguns251]

Hi all and I appreciate every piece of advice I get ( good or bad ). I am just staying positive and after I tried to be as civil as possible but like everyone says on here ( theres no use ) so I will let the courts handle it. I wonder why she asked me to work this out amongst ourselves?

[TMifune]

I wonder why she asked me to work this out amongst ourselves?

 

Because she thought she had the power to get her way. She was afraid the courts would make her compromise and she thought she could manipulate you into giving her everything she wants.

[Cheetarah]

Well, my first instinct is to say she may want this so she can't ever be held in contempt of court in the future - No order = Nothing to have to legally abide by = She can deny you time whenever she wants and face no repercussions for it.

[sargon]

It is never the best option to walk away from your kid.

 

You couldn't be more wrong. Sometimes it IS best to walk away. At least for time time being, to give things a chance to cool down and maybe try again from a different perspective. Some people are much better off not being parents in the first place because they're abusive and have severe mental issues which would cause their children more harm than good.

 

You really need to watch the generalizations Victoria, once you put the word "never" in front of something you really need the stones to back it up otherwise you're just throwing words around. Meaningless words.

[Seraphim]

You couldn't be more wrong. Sometimes it IS best to walk away. At least for time time being, to give things a chance to cool down and maybe try again from a different perspective. Some people are much better off not being parents in the first place because they're abusive and have severe mental issues which would cause their children more harm than good.

 

You really need to watch the generalizations Victoria, once you put the word "never" in front of something you really need the stones to back it up otherwise you're just throwing words around. Meaningless words.

Oh yeah? Well most of my words are not meaningless so back off.

[22n32]

You couldn't be more wrong. Sometimes it IS best to walk away. At least for time time being, to give things a chance to cool down and maybe try again from a different perspective. Some people are much better off not being parents in the first place because they're abusive and have severe mental issues which would cause their children more harm than good.

 

You really need to watch the generalizations Victoria, once you put the word "never" in front of something you really need the stones to back it up otherwise you're just throwing words around. Meaningless words.

 

i agree sargon, sometimes it is best to step back and let things cool down. and give mother exactly what she wanted a dose of her own medicine, let her see what life is like wo you, maybe even date few guys then she can see how replacing a bio father is not as easy or good for the child as she invisioned. plus more u push and poke more she will pull back and further u are away from your goal. which is your daughter. steping back doesnt mean you abondon or walking away from your child or even stoped loving her. love from the side, and never give up on her. it will come around one day. you're already missing out on every thing by being involved 8hrs a month. thats nothing. i.spend more time in traffic every 3 days. i see it u have to always try a diffrent tactic and one day good will always prevail in the end.. repating same thing over and over and expecting diff results is the defention of insanity..