Court again with no expanded visitation and now mediation

[ynguns251]

Lukeb. I am a little upset the more I read your message. I am not a stalker and have done nothing to even remotely suggest I am or even will be. I just want a chance to be with my daughter and I know she will love being with me and seeing my family. I do not understand where you get " stalker " from and if you can explain how you came to this ridiculous conclusion I would love to hear your explanation.

[journeynow]

ynguns251, I think you and your daughter will do well, and you have her best interests at heart. It sounds like you've put the anger behind you, and at the time it motivated you to resolve joint custody and move on from the relationship.

[sargon]

I want joint decision making and given that I have had no say in anything especially doctor visits and I pay the bills ( why should I not have a yes or no in matters? ).

 

You can forget about "joint decision making". This is a "feel good" meaningless term that is not worth the paper it's Stipulated on, and let me explain why, in a way that will leave you nodding your head.

 

Let's say you agree upon "joint decision making" and it's in the Divorce Separation agreement and signed off on and notarized by both parties, ok? So sometime later, exwife makes a major decision about something that you would be opposed to, such as a change in schools, or a medical procedure, or adopting a new religion, or anything else you can think of.

 

So you find out about it after the fact, and you are furious! She broke the law and you are going to file a petition in court and she is going to face the punishment for this! Wrong. You'll see an attorney and if the attorney is dishonest and just looking to take your money, like most are, they'll say "Yes let's go after her, please sign off on a $3500 retainer which should cover your costs for this petition. Of course it won't, who ever heard of a retainer covering anything close to the final bill. Anyway if the attorney is honest, he'll tell you that sure, you could spend a few thousand bucks, and several months, and finally drag your exwife in front of the courts and assuming she can't come up with some sort of justification for her actions, the judge will scold her and tell her not to do it again and that will be that. I mean, think about it what could the courts really do? Threaten her with fines and maybe imprisonment but her lawyer will tell her that nothing is going to happen and her attorney would be right.

 

Whoever the child resides with primarily will get to make all the major decisions and you are just going to have to accept that.

 

If you want access to your child and the ability to have a say in her life of any magnitude your only option is to end the conflict with your wife and that of course means giving you more than you feel comfortable with and more than might be considered fair. Remember there is no "fair" in a divorce, only damage control.

[Silverbirch]

Good Luck to you Ynguns. Enjoy your time with your beautiful daughter!

[ynguns251]

Good point sargon but as my attorney explained I could actually sue her for costs of the attorneys fee and court. I can tell you this much what ever that mediator did it is working I got a call from my ex today and it was concerning having our daughter baptised and I was totally shocked and also thrilled and happy with joy. I am glad my daughter will be Catholic ( Not that I am the best practicing ) but never the less a major step in our daughters life and now I can ask my best friend to be the Godfather

[lukeb]

Whoever the child resides with primarily will get to make all the major decisions and you are just going to have to accept that.

 

If you want access to your child and the ability to have a say in her life of any magnitude your only option is to end the conflict with your wife and that of course means giving you more than you feel comfortable with and more than might be considered fair. Remember there is no "fair" in a divorce, only damage control.

 

I agree with this, I would take it one step further and say that the OP's daughter would be a lot better off raised with one voice, something he will never have with his ex. The only thing the conflicts and fights are going to be worth are as a way of keeping your ex emotionally in his life. The OP does have an opportunity to know his daughter, and it could even be a positive one, but not as a co-parent. Any attempt to try to influence and co-parent will only be seen as a threat and would actually squander the opportunity he has right now. The power lies in the hands of the primary caretaker, and that is where the loyalty of his daughter will be, that is with her mother. Small children take their cues emotionally from the ones who look after them.

[ynguns251]

Lukeb. Do you have a good relationship with your child?

[Cheetarah]

You don't have anything to prove here, ynguns. You need only prove yourself to your daughter.

 

I suggest you relish in the good news and save your energy, my dear.

[sargon]

Good point sargon but as my attorney explained I could actually sue her for costs of the attorneys fee and court.

 

Yes your attorney is correct, you could sue her for the costs of litigating your side of the case if she violates a court order by not including you in the decision making, but so what? First of all there's still no guarantee the court will award some or all of your legal fees, and even if your legal fees are paid by her, it doesn't solve the initial problem which was that she didn't include you in the decision making. Hopefully it won't come to that.

[ynguns251]

I agree I do not want to be in freaking court forever. I think the time has come for Kelly to do as the mediator had said and " except reality " and that no matter what I will see my daughter as the courts have no grounds on keeping me away. Kelly says " He sees a therapist " and the mediator said " Why don't you? " and that even she sees a therapist and that people are not insane or crazy just because they go to a therapist for help with a problem.

[Seraphim]

I agree I do not want to be in freaking court forever. I think the time has come for Kelly to do as the mediator had said and " except reality " and that no matter what I will see my daughter as the courts have no grounds on keeping me away. Kelly says " He sees a therapist " and the mediator said " Why don't you? " and that even she sees a therapist and that people are not insane or crazy just because they go to a therapist for help with a problem.

Hahaha looks good on her!!

 

I hope you and your family enjoy the time with your daughter.

[ynguns251]

Lukeb you are not an attorney and I showed my attorney your post and He said that you are basically full of crap and your way of thinking is sick as to even suggest a single voice to raise a child. I don't know your story but I hope that your past is not haunting you.

[ynguns251]

I appreciate any advice I can get but if somebody does not have a child and has no previous experience in a situation as this how can he comment on what is the right way to raise a child right?

[sargon]

I agree with this, I would take it one step further and say that the OP's daughter would be a lot better off raised with one voice, something he will never have with his ex. The only thing the conflicts and fights are going to be worth are as a way of keeping your ex emotionally in his life. The OP does have an opportunity to know his daughter, and it could even be a positive one, but not as a co-parent. Any attempt to try to influence and co-parent will only be seen as a threat and would actually squander the opportunity he has right now. The power lies in the hands of the primary caretaker, and that is where the loyalty of his daughter will be, that is with her mother. Small children take their cues emotionally from the ones who look after them.

 

Wow that's just.. out there. He's a parent, and he oughta exercise his right to parent his child to the best of his ability, not walk around on eggshells around his exwife so that he can get scraps of time with his kids. I said he should attempt to get along with his ex, not roll over and basically give up his parental rights.

[ynguns251]

Hi all. I had both a good day and also bad day. I went to see my daughter and guess who was upstairs ( her Dad ) I asked her why was he there? after we had an agreement in mediation that he is not to be there but guesswhat " He was ". She said her attorney stated nothing is in agreement form till judge signs off.

 

On the positive note we took her swimming and Avery was laughing and smiling and I just loved it My ex got mad because a woman swimming at the pool asked if I worked out ( What the heck? ) I think she needs to worry about herself

[Seraphim]

Document that her father was there and inform your lawyer.

[ynguns251]

I took a video Victoria. I just think it is sickening that she wants to go against our agreement. I am calling my attorney tomorrow and also the mediator and ask if this agreement which we signed is valid or not. I have been very giving this whole year to her and all I asked was more parenting time so I could have a relationship with my daughter and also to be there for her so she can see she has two loving parents but I am always hitting a brick wall and that wall is Kelly whom today advised she wants " Sole Custody " or all deals are off. I guarantee that the courts are going to ser her vengeance and hopefully award joint custody as we both should have a say so in our daughters life. I am not a criminal and I think I have shown my intentions to the courts " What more can I do? "

[avman]

Well buddy if she won't abide by the settlement agreement then you go for full custody yourself. It's obvious she simply cannot be reasoned with and I really don't think joint custody stands a chance of working out here. She's done everything possible to impede you having a relationship with your daughter and even an agreement you just made she's not interested in following. That means it's likely she would ignore a joint custody order too and continue to freeze you out of decision making and visitation whenever possible.

 

I'm not usually one to advise the sole custody route unless there really is no realistic way joint custody can work. However that's really what I see in this circumstance. When one person is that unreasonable I think you pursuing sole custody stands a lot better chance. Your lawyer can impress upon the court how you'll work to allow the mother to have a relationship with the child - but that it won't possibly work going the reverse direction. That makes you a decent candidate for gaining custody - however there are several other factors they will consider also. It is not a slam dunk.

 

Have a very realistic conversation with your lawyer about this so you know what you'd be getting into.

[ynguns251]

I tell you the more and more I think about it I may be a better choice as Kelly will have our daughter paranoid and antisocial as she is. It is very scary to see such a scorn woman and there really is nothing else I can do. When it is my time to leave she always gets an attitude and I can hear her dad rustling around upstairs basically saying " it's time to go "

[lukeb]

Wow that's just.. out there. He's a parent, and he oughta exercise his right to parent his child to the best of his ability, not walk around on eggshells around his exwife so that he can get scraps of time with his kids. I said he should attempt to get along with his ex, not roll over and basically give up his parental rights.

 

The biggest reason why I am saying what I am saying is because the OP and his ex don't have even what is close to a functioning relationship. You need a functioning relationship to have a hope of co-parenting and making joint decisions to work. If the trust isn't there when everything becomes a battle, probably better to take a step back and assess what this is really about and what your ultimate goals are. This is pretty much entirely where I am coming from. You can spout parental rights, but what is ultimately more important is what is best for the child.

[lukeb]

Lukeb you are not an attorney and I showed my attorney your post and He said that you are basically full of crap and your way of thinking is sick as to even suggest a single voice to raise a child. I don't know your story but I hope that your past is not haunting you.

 

I'm not an attorney, your attorney though hopefully he is skilled in what he is doing, you are paying him, of course it is in his best interest to fight this battle for you in court, not necessarily to look out for the best interest of your daughter. You may need your lawyer, but he is laughing all the way to the bank with your money. I also think you misunderstood what I mean with single voice, two people can have a single voice, and ideally should have a single voice to raise their children, and trust that each are making the right decisions.

[lukeb]

It is not your attorney's job to assess what you are doing is the right thing, and if you are unsure go to the people you trust like your parents, siblings, close friends that you trust. Go especially to the people who are not afraid to tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. It is really only your attorney's job to fight your fight in court.

[ynguns251]

Luke I am thinking what's best for my daughter and that is to have both parents in her life. I am not going to let anyone tell me I cannot be a loving father. I have done nothing wrong and in fact I am the one who is getting robbed of precious moments by her ignorance. She had kept me in court longer than needed only because she is scorn and also using my support to pay her lawyers fees to alienate me.

[Seraphim]

You ARE doing the right thing by being in your daughter's life. Believe me you are.

[ynguns251]

I hope so Victoria.