321654 Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 I am in a relationship with a really busy guy who is stressed out with work. We have been together for 8 months so far. (I am 31 and he is 42.) Since January of this year (he took on more responsibility at work), I have been seeing him less and less. Before it was twice a week, now its once a week, only on the weekends (I started sleeping over on Saturday nights). I rarely hear from him. I often have to call or text first, even though I call/text, many times he wouldn't pick up, and doesn't respond to my texts at all, or he would reply much later. Or sometimes I call, he doesn't pick up then text me to say that he had a rough day and not in the mood to talk. I have expressed my desire of better communications with him before, he doesn't agree we are lacking in that area, and it remains unchanged. It has cross my mind that perhaps he might be cheating on me. However, when I spend time with him on the weekend, he is perfect. I felt in my heart that he couldn't be cheating, and that it must be work stress causing him to be barely there. He is seriously too busy to cheat! On Friday night, when I spoke to him on the phone, he communicated that he felt behind at work and need to go into his office on Sunday so I can't sleep over this Saturday. He will come up to my area to have dinner with me, drop me home and call it an early night. While on the phone, I agreed, but after I hung up, I thought of an alternative and text it to him. I thought it would be easier on him if we have a quite night in, order delivery, go to bed early, wake up early, have breakfast, I go home while he goes to the office. No reply the rest of Friday night. Its Saturday afternoon now, I called at noon, there was no answer, he texted back at 1:30pm only to say he will pick me up at 6. I texted back to ask about the plan of a quiet night in with delivery, no reply. I am trying hard to control my feelings, stepping back to see the bigger picture, helping him out where he needs, such as space to work without anymore added pressure from me. A man feels defined by his career so I don't want to ever come between a man and his career. I love him, I want to do whats right for the relationship, however at the same time, I want to stay true to myself and my needs of a more attentive and affectionate boyfriend. I don't want to break up with him, I want to know how I can achieve a compromise/balance with him. Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 I want to stay true to myself and my needs of a more attentive and affectionate boyfriend. I am not sure how I can achieve that with him I think it's fair and if you want to break up with him, you should do so. It's not unreasonable to want to see your bf of 8 months more than once a week. If he can't give you what you need, you should find it somewhere else. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 You need to do what's right for you. He is putting in zero effort. He doesn't even give you the courtesy of returning your messages. I think that even Obama finds the time to respond to his wife, and I believe his schedule may be a bit more busy. Stop making excuses. Hon, this guy has no time for you, I think it may be best to step away and find someone who does. Don't settle for a non relationship. Link to comment
JA0371 Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Can I ask what his career is? Work stress is not a reason to push someone else's feelings off to the side or brush you off. This guy sounds extremely insensitive IMO. Is this the kind of man you want to live with or deal with long term? He needs to at least acknowledge your feelings or validate them, and he's not even doing that. You're going to end up feeling extremely resentful of this man. Link to comment
missmarple Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Whatever his career is and no matter how busy he is, he has no excuse for not even acknowledging your messages. I can understand being patient regarding work stuff but not being patient when you are being ignored. I think it's time for this relationship to end. Link to comment
321654 Posted March 21, 2015 Author Share Posted March 21, 2015 Thank you. I don't want to break up with him, I truly love him and I want to make it work out for us. I want to know perhaps if there are ways I can learn how to cope and date a busy man. Link to comment
missmarple Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 He's not just busy...as in he can't see you often enough. In this last instance, he totally ignored your texts/suggestion. I've dated doctors, lawyers and even guys who used to work 2 jobs and I never felt I was being ignored. Unless you're dating the President..lol (hope not!) Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 But, he doesn't want to. There is nothing you can do. Hon, his actions show that he is not into this relationship, nor does he care. It is not important to him. I'm sorry to be harsh, but you need to see this for what it is. Why are you settling for so little. You need to love yourself more. You deserve more than this. If you continue to throw yourself at him, you will lose his respect, but more importantly, your own. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 He's not just busy...as in he can't see you often enough. In this last instance, he totally ignored your texts/suggestion. I've dated doctors, lawyers and even guys who used to work 2 jobs and I never felt I was being ignored. Unless you're dating the President..lol (hope not!) The President isn't this busy. No one is! People make time for what is important to them. It sounds like he is doing a fade-out, but is too cowardly to tell you. Link to comment
321654 Posted March 21, 2015 Author Share Posted March 21, 2015 But, he doesn't want to. There is nothing you can do. Hon, his actions show that he is not into this relationship, nor does he care. It is not important to him. This is where I am confused too. last night over the phone, I asked if you are so busy, do you want to skip this weekend all together so you can just focus on work? Then he said "no, I want to see you, I miss you", before we hung up he told me he loves me. Why bother still seeing me or saying these things if he just want out? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 As a result of my last relationship, i only go by actions. Even if he says he wants to see you, he is not making time for you. So does it really matter, Your needs are not being met. Are you certain he isn't involved with someone else? No one is that busy, and the fact that he doesn't give you the simple courtesy of responding to your communication says a lot. I'm curious, how often does he reach out to you? Are you the only one driving this relationship? Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 This is where I am confused too. last night over the phone, I asked if you are so busy, do you want to skip this weekend all together so you can just focus on work? Then he said "no, I want to see you, I miss you", before we hung up he told me he loves me. Why bother still seeing me or saying these things if he just want out? even if he wants to be with you, but is just too busy with work, this arrangement is not working for you. And that's OK! You don't have to be ok with being a 1-day a week gf. Maybe that's all he wants/needs, but if you want more, it's ok to say that and tell him you're going to find a new bf. Link to comment
gone Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 You are WAY too much not standing up for yourself here. I would go to therapy to help explore why you are willing to accept so little in a relationship with someone you love, and why you are putting your date up on a pedestal. No one is worth more than anyone else in a relationship. His career is NOT worth more than your job. It seems you both believe it is. I am sorry to see your self-esteem so low, girl. =/ Edited to add - I know how it feels to love a successful man who makes little time for people other than in a work-related setting, and does as he pleases with regards to making work his priority. To be in a relationship with this kind of person, you need to not be looking for an equal partnership and love and intimacy cannot be your main focus, because you are not going to get those things from this kind of person. If you think you are, you are living a tragedy. Don't take this personally, but the one person who can rescue you from your unhappiness here is yourself! And then next time, don't date a workaholic career-path man because it'll always be this way when dating someone like this. They will not change, because love and intimacy are not priorities, and that fact is why their career is where it is - that's the priority. They are motivated to succeed in their professional life at the cost of an intimate one, and that's a personal choice we all have the freedom to make. So let him have his freedom and take yours and find what it is YOU are looking for. You're worth it! Link to comment
greta96 Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Everybody is right, your problem is not that he's too busy, this is just the excuse he's feeding you, so he can get away with not seeing you as much. It is very easy for him to be "perfect" on the one day per week he spends with you, but would he be as perfect if you were to spend more time than that together? I'm not saying he's cheating, he may very well not be, but unfortunately he is not all that into you - and this is obvious from the little you told us. When a guy is smitten, you'll know, regardless of how busy he is. There is always time to send a few messages during the day to say hello and inquire about how your day is going...but not only he doesn't do that, he even ignores your messages and calls! No person, male or female, who is in love with someone, would act like that towards them. He is basically seeing you enough to have sex with you, then sending you on your way until next time. It's time to stop letting him treat you like a blow up doll, put your foot down and tell him that this relationship is not working out for you, and that if he feels he is too busy for a relationship, it may be best to part ways now. He will either realize he's been too preoccupied with...whatever, and that he needs to put in way more effort into your relationship, or he will call it quits - and doing you a favor, because you will finally be able to stop wasting time and maybe meet someone who can give you what you want. If you keep doing what you've been doing, nothing will change, hope you realize that. You are dotting on him thinking he's oh so busy, what you fail to realize is that you're dotting on someone who just doesn't feel the same way about you, and that his "busyness" is actually indifference, lack of excitement about you and this relationship. Link to comment
321654 Posted March 21, 2015 Author Share Posted March 21, 2015 I'm curious, how often does he reach out to you? Are you the only one driving this relationship? Come to think of it, Since January, I probably did the reaching out 90% of the time... with the few odd times where he reached out first. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 He's possibly doing the slow fade out of your life...but wants to keep you as an option when he feels like seeing you. I dated a guy like this. He started out spending every single weekend with me at my place, then it reduced to every other weekend, then every third weekend, then once a month, then once every 5 weeks...he even started just coming over late at night, having sex with me and sleeping over, then leaving early the next morning. He spent a total of like 10 hours with me and 7 of them were sleeping, and this happened only every 5-6 weeks. That's not a boyfriend. Later on, after I ended it, he told me he thought he could just keep me on hold to see only when he wanted to see me and that I'd be content with just waiting for him to make time for me. His exact words were "I thought I could keep you in a box and take you out to play with whenever I wanted to. I guess that was naive of me". I mean, seriously??? If your needs aren't being met, there's no magic formula you can take that will make you content with what he's willing to give. You can't make yourself want to see him less, and you can't make him want to see you more. If you're not content, and he's not changing (and I wouldn't count on him changing), there's really only one answer. "Love" or not, if you want more and he's not giving more, the relationship simply isn't going to work. PS: I wish Coldarmy could chime in on this one, he's kind of in the same boat! Link to comment
321654 Posted March 21, 2015 Author Share Posted March 21, 2015 He is basically seeing you enough to have sex with you, then sending you on your way until next time. That is where it is confusing too! I would think he is using me for sex if we actually have a lot of sex. For the last 3 months since January, we have sex once or twice a month! When we see each other, we hang out, do couple stuff like laundry, dinner, movies, and coffee shops, sometimes we don't even have sex. Because I am highly sexual, its usually me who initiates. Lately, we basically only do it on Sunday mornings when he has morning wood... sometimes it me reaching for it, sometimes its him reaching for me... Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 You should never allow yourself to not be a priority in your partner's life. I agree with Gone's comment about self-esteem. Please speak to someone, professionally. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 He isn't going 4-5 weeks without sex. He is 42...not 82. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 His excuses are just that, "excuses" that don't hold water. In addition to that, he's been taught that he can contact you at his leisure without any repercussions, which means you're an option rather than a priority. Either way, the bottom line is we teach people how to treat us, therefore why not teach him that you have enough respect for yourself to refuse his breadcrumbs? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Have you spent much time with his friends and family? Also, did you spend the holidays together? Link to comment
321654 Posted March 22, 2015 Author Share Posted March 22, 2015 Have you spent much time with his friends and family? Also, did you spend the holidays together? Yes I have. When he wasn't so busy, we would sometimes end our weekend having dinner with his whole family at his parents' home. That averages once or twice a month. I have met a couple of his friends, and we have spent all major holidays together such as Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 I know how it feels to love a successful man who makes little time for people other than in a work-related setting, and does as he pleases with regards to making work his priority. To be in a relationship with this kind of person, you need to not be looking for an equal partnership and love and intimacy cannot be your main focus, because you are not going to get those things from this kind of person. If you think you are, you are living a tragedy. I agree. I laugh when young girls say that they want a highly successful man in business, medicine or law, and they want to come first in his life. I've done the 60-plus hour work week during extreme projects that built my career, and time for devotion to loved ones was rare, and I was too exhausted to do it well. So you have a choice to make--either walk away to find someone more available, or adjust your expectations and focus heavily on developing your own career and interests and relationships with family and friends. The only way to cope with a relationship that leaves you autonomous is to BECOME autonomous. Link to comment
321654 Posted March 22, 2015 Author Share Posted March 22, 2015 I can handle being independent, letting the guy work his long hours. I tend to be very trusting so I trust all my exes including my current boyfriend. I don't need him to be there physically all the time if he would just answer my freaken calls! The fact that he couldn't do that, send my emotions rushing like Niagara Falls!!! Link to comment
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