Avro1986 Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Hi everyone, So, I am 28 years old, and I met a 33 year old woman on eHarmony recently (she initiated contact). The first two dates were very fun: we talked, ate, drank, walked, and laughed. For the third date, she suggested to come to her place, and I agreed. I came to her house on wednesday, I brought wine and she made diner. Again, the evening was really fun. She seemed very interested and complimented me on my manners (e.g. bringing wine, helping out in the kitchen). She even insisted that we played monopoly in her living room on the floor while drinking wine and getting to know each other. Around 10pm, she said that she needed to start getting ready to go to bed because she had a very early meeting the next day (she's a lawyer). As I helped her cleaning, I asked what she was looking in a relationship. She said that she wanted someone serious and I said the same. I added that I was interested and wanted to go further. She replied: "But first, we need to kiss to relieve this tension between us." She moved forward and we kissed. However, as we kissed gently, I sensed that she froze. I backed up a bit, she remained her eyes closed, and I kissed her more. I tried to lean back and bring her close to me, but she resisted. Eventually, she did lean on mean to cuddle, so I held her in my arms for several minutes, stroking her hair and talking softly. I didn't want to insist in having sex if she didn't feel comfortable yet. Before I left, we hugged and asked her out this weekend, and she agreed. The following days (thursday), I texted her for a date and she replied on Friday morning: "Hi! How are you? I am doing good. There has been an emergency and this weekend seems to be fully packed. Can I confirm you in a bit?" I said yes. Then, today, Sunday morning, she texted me: "Hi! I hope that you are doing good! I have been very happy in meeting you and have truly enjoyed our time together." However, honestly, I am not feeling it, and I don't think it's worth pursuing this. I wish you all the best." I replied: "Hi! Thank you for being honest. I also enjoyed meeting you. I wish you all the best." She texted me a smiley face. My first impression was that she had reconnected with her ex-boyfriend or someone she knew because of this sudden change of interest. However, perhaps I screwed up somehow (e.g. kissing)? I don't think so because in my past relationships, once we first met at home, then it was on (everything flowed naturally). I brought condoms just in case. Some of my fiends told me that I should have had sex, but again, it's about respecting your partner's trust: if they don't feel comfortable, even if you're at their place, you have no right in forcing yourself. I have principles. I'd appreciate the community's feedback. Thank you! Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Apparently she judged it all by the kiss. There wasn't likely any emergency. Ps....sex was not on the table. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Sorry to hear that. The third date sounded great. I don't see anything wrong with what you posted or where you could've gone wrong. If she froze up when you kissed to where you knew something wasn't right, then trying for sex wouldn't have done any good. I also agree that the emergency was probably her taking time to think about things. Unfortunately, she told you she wasn't feeling it and at least you found out sooner than later. Seemed to have a pleasant exchange despite being bummed out im sure. You have to go your own separate way now, maybe youll hear from her again, maybe not. She made her intention clear though with that message. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Did you beat her in Monopoly? Maybe she's just a sore loser? Link to comment
Bunney Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 It does seem like it was the kiss that made her change her mind. Maybe she was hoping for butterflies / fireworks during it but didn't feel anything. Or thought you were a bad kisser Link to comment
Avro1986 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Share Posted March 15, 2015 Hi mhowe. Yes, it seems. It's funny because usually you start gently, then move forward (caressing, getting hornier...) which I have been doing normally without any problem. I guessed that she wasn't turned on. Usually, with my past relationships, once we kissed, the girl, who was already very interested, would get excited and everything flowed naturally afterwards. I mean, you can only meet someone half-way. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Your friends are wrong ... you shouldn't have had sex ... well, not unless it was what you both wanted. What do they mean by that anyway? That the outcome would have been different? I highly doubt that! If she is looking for something serious and she really liked you then NOT having sex wouldn't be a deal breaker. Or do they mean you should have at least had sex with her so you didn't come away empty handed. Well, whatever they meant, it wasn't going to happen. Your talk about respect, principles and not forcing yourself on someone doesn't sit well with me. It shouldn't even be a point of discussion. The implication there is that your friends thought you should have .... but maybe I'm reading too much into that. Anyway, as regards the outcome, I think it is far more likely that you aren't the only person she has been talking to or dating and that maybe someone else has caught her interest. You said that the evening was about getting to know each other better so maybe she realised at some point you weren't compatible. I'm not sure what the kiss was all about. Maybe she just wanted to know whether she would or could feel something more, I dunno, but I don't think it has anything to do with you doing anything wrong, I think it is just as she said ... she wasn't really feeling an attraction. Link to comment
Avro1986 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Share Posted March 15, 2015 Hi! Indeed, she may not have liked my kiss. Still, when you have just met someone, you can't realistically expect the "Disney" effect. With my past girlfriends, once we kissed at home, it was really on, and the sex was great. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Well...this kiss landed you in front of a red light, not a green light. Shake it off and keep looking. Link to comment
Avro1986 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Share Posted March 15, 2015 Hi! I know that my friends are wrong. About the sex, I think that you are reading too much into it. It's a western society's idea that if a man goes to a woman's house and doesn't have sex, it's because the guy screwed up somehow. My point is: if she didn't feel comfortable, there is nothing wrong for not having sex, and a man is not less of man if it doesn't happen. I agree with you: there's likely someone else. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 I think there just was no chemistry. She invited you to her house, she initiated the kiss...and shut down right then. From that point forward...it was over. Link to comment
Jeffbobo Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Shake it off and jump back in the saddle. The next time a woman asks you to come over to her place on the third date, tell her "No, I don't think that's a good idea". Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Apparently she judged it all by the kiss. There wasn't likely any emergency. Ps....sex was not on the table. I may as well just quote mhowe as it is my opinion as well ...saves me writing it out Link to comment
cbh1979 Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Sorry it turned out like that. Really sucks when things seem to be going so well and it just turns on a dime. Sounds like she just expected fireworks with that kiss and didn't get them. Not your fault, and nothing you can do. I will admit though I'm surprised she'd decide there was no potential based on a first kiss, which is notoriously awkward and usually not like it is in the movies. Link to comment
Tinydance Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Well I basically agree with everyone else that she probably just didn't really feel the chemistry. I think you did absolutely nothing wrong and you sound like a decent and respectful guy who isn't just trying to get laid, but wants to get to know the woman first. Maybe try not to take this too personally because chemistry and attraction isn't something that can really be explained or can be forced. I think it's something very unpredictable where you either feel it or you don't, and with you I guess she just didn't. Next time I would recommend not going into it with too much expectations because while people are on dating sites, they are still in a sense "playing the field" and seeing who's out there that they can be compatible with. Also just because you're getting along well and having a nice time may not mean that you'll end up with that person. Maybe she thought you were really nice and you had good rapport, but wasn't sure if you had chemistry romantically. That's why she invited you to her place so you could be in a more intimate setting and kiss, but then she realised she wasn't attracted during the kiss. I actually don't even necessarily think that you were a bad kisser or that you're not physically attractive, but it's just a matter of meshing with another person. I think you should just keep going on more dates and go into it with low expectations and just enjoy it and see how it goes. Not everyone will be compatible and it's just a matter of persevering to meet that right person. Hey, if I went on a date with you I'd probably think you're a real gentleman. I'm a 30-year-old woman from Australia by the way Ha ha Anyway good luck! Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Sorry it turned out like that. Really sucks when things seem to be going so well and it just turns on a dime. Sounds like she just expected fireworks with that kiss and didn't get them. Not your fault, and nothing you can do. I will admit though I'm surprised she'd decide there was no potential based on a first kiss, which is notoriously awkward and usually not like it is in the movies. More than likely she had some other doubts and the kiss was just the seal of death. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Hi! I know that my friends are wrong. About the sex, I think that you are reading too much into it. It's a western society's idea that if a man goes to a woman's house and doesn't have sex, it's because the guy screwed up somehow. My point is: if she didn't feel comfortable, there is nothing wrong for not having sex, and a man is not less of man if it doesn't happen. I agree with you: there's likely someone else. Ummm...I live in a "western society," and I've never heard of this idea. I agree with the next part of your post, though -- no one should have sex if he or she doesn't feel comfortable, and it doesn't make anyone more or less of anything if they do or don't. As to whether or not there's someone else...could be, since you did meet her online (she could be meeting several people at at time), OR...maybe she didn't feel a "spark" when she kissed you, and she decided it would be wrong to pursue something with you. It happens. Link to comment
faraday Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 I've used a kiss to determine if I want to continue to see someone...some guys have been nice guys, and the kiss either seals it so I'm totally into him, or I drop him. It's only been three dates...try not to get too invested for a while in dating...because dating is a process of determining potential Good luck Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 I think she's looking for someone that just kisses her because he's wanting to rather then have to say something like "first we have to kiss to relieve the tension." She did the initiating with first contact and then she had to initiate the first kiss as well. She sounds like one of those that will initiate contact but then expects the guy to be the one that moves things along. All speculation of course so thats my guess.... that, or like I said you didn't let her win at monopoly. lol Link to comment
LoveSoDeep Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 More than likely she had some other doubts and the kiss was just the seal of death. I agree. It probably wasn't just the kiss. All you can do is move on. However, something in how you talked about the kiss and what it should or should not lead to made me feel like maybe it was bit more forceful than it should have been. This was apparently your first kiss and you apparently had been expecting a bit more than a kiss for whatever reason. I can see where this would lead you to possibly come on a bit stronger than she was expecting. Most women I know don't go from 2 dates with no kiss to 3rd date after some dinner and monopoly and suggesting it was time to call it a night...to a full on make out session leading to sex...that's like 0 to 60 in .5 seconds. To me this woman seemed to be quite content with a much slower pace. There's a lot that happens between 0 and 60...next time try to be more mindful of the pace the woman is setting....because honestly if I freeze mid kiss, it's because I wasn't prepared for whatever just happened. Anytime a woman freezes or pulls back it's basically a moment where she needs to think about what's going on. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 She seemed content with a much slower pace? Then why was She the one to get that kiss started? The Op wasn't rushing a thing (to me, the fact that he wasn't was the problem). Link to comment
LoveSoDeep Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 She seemed content with a much slower pace? Then why was She the one to get that kiss started? The Op wasn't rushing a thing (to me, the fact that he wasn't was the problem). She suggested they kiss once to cut the tension...that doesn't mean any more or less than just that. Now, maybe she wanted just one quick kiss. Or maybe she really did intend to kick off a great make-out session followed by a romp in the sack (doubtful as she had already alluded to the fact that the OP should be leaving soon). I can't speculate on that because I'm not her.....but I can say every time I have frozen or pulled back (whether I initiated or not) it was because I was surprised.....now that's not always bad...I'm just saying that is the feeling I attribute to that action in that kind of situation. And who knows...that could also just be me. Link to comment
Avro1986 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 Thank you everyone for all your answers! I appreciate it. However, it was quite hard for me to judge because I am not a mind-reader (wish I was). I could only look at her body language. The problem is: if you rush and she wants it, then 100% alright!!! If not, you scare her. It's really hard to decide. It's almost random. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 I don't think it is random at all...she will give signs to progress or stop. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 She suggested they kiss once to cut the tension...that doesn't mean any more or less than just that. Exactly and where does the Op say that he pushed for more? Sorry if I missed it. Link to comment
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