Coldarmy13 Posted May 31, 2015 Author Share Posted May 31, 2015 Really appreciate you guys saying so. Helps because i dont feel very strong at all. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 Remember, being "strong" isn't feeling invincible. It's feeling hurt, sad, lonely, rejected, etc. and soldiering on anyway. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted June 4, 2015 Author Share Posted June 4, 2015 Been having a bad day. Works been rough and my body is very tired. Seems like fatigue or bad moods really trigger my feeling of missing having her around. Cant really shake thinking about her at some point each day. I wish I could be as seemingly aloof and carefree as she was/is. Even if it was "her and not me", I cant help but wonder where I went wrong. She liked me enough the first couple months, so what went wrong the last couple months? Its pointless wondering now but I find I cant help it. Ive been pushing her out of my mind when I can, but wonder if I should rather me for inquisitive about my own feelings on it. Examine why I fell so hard for her as quickly as I did. All of her positive qualities stick out in my mind, and I cant seem to find the negatives to tell me she wasn't right for me. Typing out thoughts like this still brings tears to my eyes. There must still be some real hurt there for that to be so. Ive never been so affected by a girl in so little time. On a lighter note, I had a coffee date a couple of days ago with an acquaintance of mine whos been pretty much friend of some friends for years. So we never got to know each other. We met up at 1pm and she ended up saying she had to go because it was 5.. I was just thinking WOW, those 4 hours flew by. We are in a similar place in life and seem to agree on most things. From talking to her about her ex and mine, we both seem to be looking for a relationship and not a fling. We parted ways after the 4 hours of talking with a big hug and both agreed we should get together again soon, looks like it will be after this weekend. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 Hi Coldarmy.. . I think this is just going to take some time for you. As we have witnessed you had a fast, strong, attachment to her and this intense attachment appears to be your relationship style. It's probably not surprising that you may have a tough time of it. I think a lot of this has not so much to do with her, but about you. There is a lot to learn here by this experience and now is the perfect time. In the meantime it may be helpful for you to read up on relationship attachment styles. It's interesting stuff and I think there is a lot you can learn from it. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted June 4, 2015 Author Share Posted June 4, 2015 Hi Coldarmy.. . I think this is just going to take some time for you. As we have witnessed you had a fast, strong, attachment to her and this intense attachment appears to be your relationship style. It's probably not surprising that you may have a tough time of it. I think a lot of this has not so much to do with her, but about you. There is a lot to learn here by this experience and now is the perfect time. In the meantime it may be helpful for you to read up on relationship attachment styles. It's interesting stuff and I think there is a lot you can learn from it. Thank you, ill do that. Ive read a bit about it before, id probably label her as avoidant if anything. I feel like im in the secure category (outside of this last relationship). I remember things anxious though since it seems like people like that are attracted more to avoidants who really bring out the anxiety. She even said real close to the end of the relationship that she "gets weird when things start getting serious". Maybe ive just changed as a person, since it had been a couple of years between my last serious relationship and this relationship, but I cant think of a relationship I was ever in where she was either more attached than me or we were on the same page. This is the first time Ive really had feelings like this I guess, probably the immense infatuation with the anxiety combined. All this emotion so fast I think had me thinking she was really special. I almost wish I could find a negative or that she really wronged me but I cant seem to. She, as a person, is really great and I admire a lot of stuff about her. I miss so much still. She just obviously had her feelings change. Link to comment
janut1 Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 Im a lot like you. I attach quickly. But I have had a weird thing happen to me lately that has me thinking that there is just some people you meet in life that really stick with you. I hate to say their a soul mate, but its almost like there are people who you meet that you cannot shake. I have that happening to me now. I told you about the guy I met back in October. I fell hard for him, he was avoidant. He had stuff come up in life and would disappear. I hadn't heard from him in 3 months and I thought I had moved on and doing good. Im actually dating someone else now. But he contacted me out of the blue at the end of April. ALL THOSE FEELING for him came back and fast. I really missed him. He gave me all the same crap that he did before. He missed me, cared for me, and thought about me a lot, but wasn't sure he was ready for a relationship. But he still starts contacting me every other day just to say Hi, asks me to meet him, all this stuff. SO Im like okay, Im with someone else anyway, but my feelings for him are/were stronger and Im tempted, but didn't meet him thank goodness. After all that, I check his Facebook page, and he just posted that he is in a relationship. I was beside myself. Why contact me and tell me you don't think you want a relationship, then bang your in one. I wish he never ever texted me, why did he do that?. That was just cruel. But what Im trying to get at is he is so hard for me to shake. He's not a good guy and obviously used and lied to me, but Im attached. It sucks really. I feel like I was dumped all over again. So yea, I believe that there are some people we meet in life that we will never forget. Link to comment
notalady Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Hey Coldarmy, was curious I hadn't seen an update from you in a while, then realised I had accidentally unsubscribed from your journal haha.. I'm going through the post break up process myself, only been 4 days NC. I have random memory flashbacks during the day, not frequently but they do happen and they make me sad. That reminded me of your journal. I hope you're still doing well and continuing to make good progress. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted June 12, 2015 Author Share Posted June 12, 2015 Overall, I think I'm doing much better. When I'm reminded of her it's usually of the good times which make me smile when I think of them. The hurt is still there though for sure. No matter what happened with her/us I can honestly say I wish her the best even though the best didnt include me. Ex. Been feeling better and really haven't had the memory of her linger when it inevitably pops up. So I'm thinking, hey it's getting less hard as the weeks go by. No temptation to cry. But when I type what I did at the beginning of the post, my eyes well up.. I guess that means I've got a ways to go and subcontiously might be holding stuff in without trying to. I still miss her, but I'm accepting that she likely won't reach out again ever. I'm sorry to hear about your break up. What was that situation like? I feel like I'm much better at listening and advice than following it. Link to comment
bluebell29 Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 Gosh I know how you feel. You think you're all better because you've basically been forcing yourself ro feel better but then something happens to make you realise that actually you're not done yet..lol The guy I was seeing visited my profile on a dating Thu night and again Fri morning. I didn't visit back but then last night just blocked him because it was making me all anxious. I couldn't sleep all night thinking about him/what he's up to. ...sucks. But glad to hear you feel better. And sorry for hijacking your thread- don't have my own breakup one so borrowed yours for bit! Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted June 13, 2015 Author Share Posted June 13, 2015 Not sure how to proceed in my current attempts at dating. The first girl i had coffee with awhile back that i posted about here, we havent gotten together since then. She replies to texts and even beat me to it on our first date saying that we should do it again sometime (go out). Yet the last couple times i asked her out shes either declined or cancelled citing cramps one time and bad mood over fighting with her friend this last time. Im thinking no biggie but am a bit concerned she hasnt approached me much to make plans. She asked when i was free this last week and i told her but really not much after that. Do i keep trying to ask her to make plans maybe once a week? A second girl ive been talking to on OKC.. weve been messaging and getting to know each other a little each day on there for 5-6 days. I asked her to go out on a date sometime, and she said "Yeah. We can do that She told me about 3 days ago what days work best for her. I told her when id be free those days and it depends on when shed like to go out time wise. Now silence for 3-4 days now. Not sure what happened there the conversations seemed to be going so well. Whats going on with these flaky girls?? btw if anyones curious about me after all this time my name on OKC is ColdArmy13 as well Ill take any profile tips/criticisms. Link to comment
janut1 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I say just keep going. You will meet someone who meets your needs of non flakiness and someone who is excited to meet you time and time again. You know what you don't want now. And as you know OLD takes time. You have to weed through many people to find that one and its worth it. I was told so many times to just get a thicker skin and it was hard, but I have to look back and laugh at some of the guys I met. Crazy stuff, but now I am dating someone I really like and who seems to meet my communication style too. BUT, are you sure you are ready to move forward? It may be too soon. Link to comment
notalady Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 There's always flakiness with online dating (or dating in general). I wouldn't contact those two girls again unless they make some initiatives to make a date, you've done your part. I saw your profile, you haven't written anything in it? Or am I looking at the wrong one lol... At Lincoln park, Michigan right? I would suggest actually writing something there. Empty profiles don't bring a lot of interest. And photo wise, I would lose the last photo where you can't see your face and the group photo (I really can't tell which one is you). The other ones are fine but you may want to consider adding a few where you're not drinking? Lol...nothing wrong with drinking but a bit of variety is good (and so you don't look like an alcoholic haha)! Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 That's strange, I wrote a bunch of stuff in there, you don't see the about me section or anything? Link to comment
notalady Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Sorry It is there, I didn't see it haha Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted June 18, 2015 Author Share Posted June 18, 2015 Funny how you can pay almost no attention to a song on an album you bought then one day its perfect for you. Weep not for roads untraveled Weep not for paths left alone 'Cause beyond every bend Is a long blinding end It's the worst kind of pain I've known Give up your heart left broken And let that mistake pass on 'Cause the love that you lost Wasn't worth what it cost And in time you'll be glad it's gone Weep not for roads untraveled Weep not for sights unseen May your love never end And if you need a friend There's a seat here alongside me Definitely my new break up album. At least its fitting for this last one. Link to comment
notalady Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 I refuse to listen to "break up songs" during break ups these days. It doesn't help me move on and brings up negative emotions for no reason. I'm sticking to upbeat songs and it helps me feel a lot better Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted June 18, 2015 Author Share Posted June 18, 2015 I know what you mean. It was more of shuffling through songs then thinking hey i havent really ever listened to this one at all. Words were eerie. Link to comment
notalady Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Yea I know what you mean, a couple of songs popped up on the ratio that seemed to resonate with my situation too lol... Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted June 18, 2015 Author Share Posted June 18, 2015 On another note, it IS getting better with time. Thoughts of her don't really depress me anymore. There is still some regret and/or sadness that its over but it doesn't overcome me. More just think of it as "its too bad that didn't work out". Feel actually pretty foolish for opening up too much to her like I did. Still think it would've gone much better if I would've not lost myself In her like I did. Live and learn I guess and its done and over with now, no point in bringing myself down over it. If she ever reached out to me again I could respond with no issue, im confident of that. My guard is back up, strong and a bit jaded same as before I met her and eventually completely opened myself up. I don't know if that's great or not, but its where I was before her. Starting over dating is bleh though. Flaky flaky. The girl I went to coffee with asked me if I would like to do something this weekend. We'll see if she actually follows through this time though. Link to comment
notalady Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Glad you're making good progress! Why be jaded though when you can simply learn to apply better judgement and boundaries. That will allow you to remain open to good prospects and weed out the bad/insincere/non-compatible. Hope you reach that point in time. Yep dating is bleh. Good luck on the weekend date if it goes through! Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted June 21, 2015 Author Share Posted June 21, 2015 Even though we didnt have plans, on friday she did say she planned on staying in and apologized and that shes weird. It was whatever. Not sure why she bothers to contact me. I went out and had fun regardless. Today, though, is one of those im going to be alone forever type of days. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 She sounds a lot like your ex. I'd let this one go. And no, you're not going to be alone forever. Just work on not continuing to pursue women who aren't that into you and show it by their inconsistency. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted June 22, 2015 Author Share Posted June 22, 2015 Yeah I agree. I definitely wouldn't say I pursued much. Just offered up plans when she initiated conversation. Flakiness is definitely and much brighter red flag to me than it was before. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Flakiness is definitely and much brighter red flag to me than it was before. Yay!! Making progress!! I'm kind of noticing a connection between you worrying about being alone forever (maybe something underneath that?) and flaky behavior from the women you are interested in. Kind of like...the more flakiness, the worse you feel. Which makes total sense to me. But throwing it out there that those feelings may be more a result of this high threshold for flakiness you have had previously, and that the more and more you weed out the flakes earlier, the less you might feel that. ? Link to comment
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