notalady Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 I'd be careful not to get sucked into another situation with someone not looking for anything serious, whether she's upfront or not. Just remind yourself that the bar girl isn't looking for anything serious, and I'm guessing you are. Online photos can only tell you so much, you need to meet in person to know if there's chemistry and see what she really looks like, that's just the risk you take. Nothing awkward about it if you don't hit it off (or you're not attracted to her physically), it's just coffee. In what way is she forward? Link to comment
boltnrun Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 I look like hell in pictures. Seriously. I don't know what it is, but I just look awful. Every time I meet people in person they all say the same thing..."you look much better in person!" Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 I'd be careful not to get sucked into another situation with someone not looking for anything serious, whether she's upfront or not. Just remind yourself that the bar girl isn't looking for anything serious, and I'm guessing you are. Online photos can only tell you so much, you need to meet in person to know if there's chemistry and see what she really looks like, that's just the risk you take. Nothing awkward about it if you don't hit it off (or you're not attracted to her physically), it's just coffee. In what way is she forward? Well as far as the bar girl, I know what it is and where shes at so I know to not let emotions get too involved. As far as how shes forward? I don't know, maybe im just not used to the attention that I should be wanting. Something is off in my head. Heres what turned me off to it the other night. Recently I had to move back home with my parents (30 year old at home yayy). That isn't going to stay that way, but other than that if someone wants to date me they'd have to be okay with that for the time being. I basically have my own level of the house (bathroom, shower, etc.) and help pay for things while im staying there, no free ride. Anyway, I did what I would normally do is be honest and told her upfront and that it was okay if that was a dealbreaker for her. She insisted that it wasn't and that she wasn't shallow that way. Well on Friday, before I met the bar girl, we were exchanging some texts about her current trip to a concert out of state, then out of nowhere: Her: So you really live with your parents? Me: Lol yes Her: Uggggh lol Me: .. Damn (Thinking I already told her this and now shes being a bit weird about it) Her: What? Me: The ugh at me currently living at home Her: Lol well it is a little disconcerting.. lol Me: I understand if its too big of a deal Her: *Name*.. Im not that shallow, but, I also cant date someone with no ambition. Then the next day I woke up to Her: Did I hit a nerve? I told you I shouldn't text when buzzed. Her: Well *name*, sorry if I pissed you off. I didn't mean to imply you had no ambition. I was just being over analytical. Me: You didn't piss me off. Its just something im already self conscious about as far as dating new people and your messages made it seem like it was more of a deal breaker than before. Might not work if so. Her: No, its not a deal breaker. I was pretty drunk and trying to be all serious and it didn't work lol. I have dated so many duds in the last couple months and you don't seem like a dud so im like pleasantly surprised. Im sorry about that. Me: I just didn't want to waste our time if you were having second thoughts. Her: I really appreciate that, shich further solidifies why I think you are so cool and not a dud. Just made me feel like that could really be an issue even though she claims it isn't. Link to comment
notalady Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 I wouldn't say the OLD girl is forward, more like, lack discretion? These are not things that need to be discussed before even meeting. For all you know you have a coffee and there is no chemistry, so the living situation is not an issue to even be discussed. She's making assumptions about you (lack ambition) before even meeting you, and letting on that she's dated too many "duds". Anyway I'd be turned off by all this too and not bother with meeting her. Initial online message exchange should be light and positive, and determine you have things in common and would like to meet in person. So I'd suggest going forward, don't bring up your living situation (which is temporary anyway) before even meeting the girl. If you seem to get along online, meet. If the topic comes up naturally, tell her in person your living situation, that way you can also put more context around it rather than it sounds like you are a loser living at home (which frankly is a western society stereotype and not a fair assumption, but I digress). I would also say try not to feel self conscious about it, especially if it's not the long term plan, it's really not a big deal. Not to girls who are worth your while anyway. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 That's fair, I just typically prefer to get that out of the way before meeting to not waste anyones time. Other than what I posted here our conversations have been great. Been talking maybe a week. Link to comment
notalady Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Without context and without meeting in person, someone may very easily think oh no that's not a good sign, he's living at home. If you met once, they'll have a better idea of who you are and may very likely decide it's not an issue if they like you. And you can give them those information in person, which is much better than in text. And what do either of you (whoever you're talking to) have to lose by meeting someone for an hour? I wouldn't call that a waste of time. Other more critical and permanent information like if someone is divorced or has children, would be preferably shared before meeting (or before even messaging). Your situation I would say isn't a big deal that warrants this level of sharing before meeting. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 Im having a bit of an internal struggle right now. Had a bit of a spontaneous date with the girl from OKC I mentioned before last night. It went really well, we communicated really well and there was an obvious mutual interest/attraction. My only issue .. is weird. Maybe im just not used to the attention or girls that are overly complimentary, but I feel like shes coming on a bit strong after one date. Like a bunch of texts after the date when she got home.. how great I was, best first date she ever had, all kinds of compliments about me. Which is flattering but it seems way more forward than ive been used to. Then today, talking about work and what not, then mentions how she just wants to kiss me again.. its just a lot of text messages in two days. She was very clear that she was looking for a relationship same as I. She is very forward and open. What has me confused is that I would've loved that kind of communication in my last relationship and now I meet someone that has a lot of mutual interests and puts in the effort and now I question things? The other girl that said she wasn't looking for a boyfriend has been texting as well but at more of a pace im comfortable with. Why do I gravitate more to the non committal one? Am I just sort of gunshy/damaged from the last girlfriend? Link to comment
boltnrun Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Typical "I only want what I can't have/have to work hard for". Some people think if something comes "too easy" it's less valuable. Link to comment
janut1 Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Typical "I only want what I can't have/have to work hard for". Some people think if something comes "too easy" it's less valuable. I agree with the above. You need to think about that seriously because if you don't figure it out you will keep attracting and wanting the person who doesn't really want you. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 What has me confused is that I would've loved that kind of communication in my last relationship and now I meet someone that has a lot of mutual interests and puts in the effort and now I question things? The other girl that said she wasn't looking for a boyfriend has been texting as well but at more of a pace im comfortable with. Why do I gravitate more to the non committal one? Am I just sort of gunshy/damaged from the last girlfriend? You are not damaged from your last gf. You are the same ... more into someone who is not into. Different side of the same coin. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 . . .just resist trying to over analyze this one. It's what got you into trouble before and it can again. Live in the moment. . Link to comment
bluebell29 Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 I think you should always trust gut feelings, especially the early ones. If I'm not mistaken you had some negative ones with your ex too? Would save you time and investment. .. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 Yeah my gut worries she's too into me too soon, but also don't want to pass it up if indeed I have an inclination to like unobtainable people, which would get me nowhere. I'll need to think about this one. Link to comment
notalady Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 I think you're overthinking. You are who you are and your gut feel hasn't changed. Your interaction with your ex may have temporarily thrown you off when you were together but personally I don't think you have a tendency to go for unobtainable / unavailable people. You don't follow your gut feel when you should (which would've told you to leave your ex when she first showed signs of unavailability or just signs of something isn't quite right even if you couldn't pinpoint it). Same with this new girl, she indeed seems way too keen if she's messaging a lot and talking about kissing you etc after 1 date. Your gut is working just fine, you need to start listening to it rather than second guessing if you're broken. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 This is one thing you posted about your ex in January of this year. Very lucky. I'm hoping what you're thinking is true. She just really doesn't communicate much or at least what I'm used to. I posted on this site in desperation since I've really kept all these thoughts that make it obvious that I'm in deep here to myself for what feels like forever now. I'm at least self aware that I shouldn't and really haven't been this way over a girl before. i wish I didn't feel this way or at least wished I was still on the fence so it would be much easier on me. From the way you spoke, you were more used to girls being more forward and thus were less interested. Now the pendulum is the other way. I do think there is such a thing as worrying to much. Sometimes it's not your gut. Sometimes it's something less positive ... worry, not really being over someone else, preferring the challenge ... I think you have to learn to quiet your mind a bit. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 Thank you all. Your words and advice are always very helpful. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 A few texts to help me, this come off as fast/intense to anyone else?: Last night when she got home - "Home.. 1) That you wanted me to let you know when I was home is ing awesome 2)thank you so much for paying for everything tonight. you are such a gentleman 3) you are incredibly sexy and I really wanted to rip your clothes off" Her you want to see me again?". I had already said a couple times when we were together id be interested in a second date. Me: Yeah of course we should have a second date! Duh Her: You are INCREDIBLY sexy and I thought so the entire evening. I had to resist kissing you much longer than I wanted.. why the duh? lol" Me: You give me way too much credit lol Her: Your body language, your smile, the way you make eye contact!!!! That is so hot... Mind you this is all at like 3am. Then she called me by my first and last name so I responded with her first name, middle initial and last name. Her: WOWWW impressive... Me: Right?! Not bad! Her: yeah im super impressed.... She then said my middle name as well when I asked if she remembered it. She did Me: Well done Her: I pay attention sir... Her: Call me impressive, please. I did, but I thought it was really, really strange to ask for that.. anyway Her: Im going to bed but I hope we can do it again sooN? That was the best first date ive ever been on. I laughed so much and I really feel comfortable with you. Text me and let me know when you wanna do it again. Then today she messaged me and we had small talk about work Me: *why my day is going bad* Yeah this sucks. Her Ugh, im sorry. Me: Not your fault! Her: I know. I just feel bad for ya. And I want to kiss you again... I may be overthinking it, but its all over thinking about what im going to do from here and wonder if I should continue this on to a 2nd date. She is very responsive, complimentary and appreciative. We have a lot of common interests in things we like and do. I just worry about getting a clinger, so to speak. Link to comment
notalady Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Message 1 and 2 seem fine to me. From 3 onwards, she comes accross a bit desperate and yes forward. I would say she's coming on too strong. Personally if I'm unsure about someone I've been on a date with, I'd give it 3 dates (at most) to get to know them better before reaching a conclusion. So I'd say give it another date or two (and goes without saying, don't have sex with her until you've decided if you should keep dating lol). Link to comment
janut1 Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Message 1 and 2 seem fine to me. From 3 onwards, she comes accross a bit desperate and yes forward. I would say she's coming on too strong. Personally if I'm unsure about someone I've been on a date with, I'd give it 3 dates (at most) to get to know them better before reaching a conclusion. So I'd say give it another date or two (and goes without saying, don't have sex with her until you've decided if you should keep dating lol). How old is she? She sounds young. I agree with what notalady said. She seems a bit eager and really wanting sex. So, I would give it 3 dates too and of course don't sleep with her. See if she calms down a bit first. I would not say any of that to a new man I was dating. It would take me a long time to get to know him before I would go in that direction. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 How old is she? She sounds young. I agree with what notalady said. She seems a bit eager and really wanting sex. So, I would give it 3 dates too and of course don't sleep with her. See if she calms down a bit first. I would not say any of that to a new man I was dating. It would take me a long time to get to know him before I would go in that direction. Well the sex thing was mentioned and we both agreed that that we'd both want to take it slow in that regard. Shes 34. Link to comment
notalady Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 She's not taking it slow despite what she says. Link to comment
bluebell29 Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Yep too forward, I'd be a bit scared. Proceed with caution in case she turns out to be the type that doesn't take rejection well (likely). Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 So since ive been much better and rarely think of the ex anymore, i was flipping through a couple old pages in this thread and ended up reading the whole final month of the "relationship". It made me so sad. Not thoughts of the ex, not wishing she was still with me.. but all the wonderful advice and continued patience trying to make me understand what my heart then wouldnt let me see back then. No matter how many times i stayed with her after i insisted i was leaving, no matter how many times i ignored what everyone was saying, i kept seeing the same screen names popping up trying to help me. When i read my responses to what i now see was the correct course of action suggested to me, it made me sad to know that i was that WEAK. I just wanted to post this before bed to let everyone here know I really appreciate the help you all tried your hardest to give me, no matter how many times i seemed to almost ignored it. THANK YOU. I still miss you "V", the person not the relationship. I hope youre happy wherever you are and truly wish you well, but at the same time, screw you. Link to comment
janut1 Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 The last line made me giggle - yea SCREW YOU!!! LOL You are on your way to a better relationship I just know it. Keep moving forward. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 Okay so OKC girl asked me out tonight after work and I let her know I'd be here late. She asked about rescheduling and I let her know it was going to be a busy week and she replied "Don't lead me on, Adam. If you're not interested just say so. I don't like to be left guessing." Might be time to cut this one loose. Link to comment
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