Another online daing journal

[Silverbirch]

My ipad doing some crazy things so hope my reply posts. I've been reading this book I'm liking a lot called "The Untethered Soul". It's partly about mindfulness. Even just the most basic principles are helping me a lot to not spend too much time stuck in my internal dialogues, and I seem to be getting a lot more done. It's understandable to be in the mind space you are in, but you will feel a lot better if you don't let it take up your whole day. Hugs.

[reinventmyself]

My ipad doing some crazy things so hope my reply posts. I've been reading this book I'm liking a lot called "The Untethered Soul". It's partly about mindfulness. Even just the most basic principles are helping me a lot to not spend too much time stuck in my internal dialogues, and I seem to be getting a lot more done. It's understandable to be in the mind space you are in, but you will feel a lot better if you don't let it take up your whole day. Hugs.

thx SB . .((hugs)) back at ya

[reinventmyself]

I'm glad I had dinner w my son. He's interesting and has enough going on in his world at this time. I can just wind him up, ask questions and he'll do all the talking.

Got me out of my head for the first time in a couple days.

Love that boy♡

[reinventmyself]

There's a little nagging part of me that's tempted to reach out to S. I have no idea what the response would be.

I'm not sure I'm prepared to be embraced or denied, so it's just not a good idea.

[Silverbirch]

The philosophy I'm trying ATM believes that we are not those voices or emotions. Our being is as the observer who makes the decisions. The voice can be like an unwelcome room mate, and sometimes you can tell them to get lost.

 

Sounds to me that S might benefit from outside help for his issues, but of course that decision and the motivation would need to come from him.

[reinventmyself]

The voice can be like an unwelcome room mate, and sometimes you can tell them to get lost.

.

 

Ha ha, Gotta say I love that!

[Silverbirch]

Yeah, I love it too and it works! He said that if you had a "friend" who did the tad day add a like that, at some point you would tell them to shut up.

[Fudgie]

reinvent,

 

I just wanted to say that with the "demonizing" bit - you don't have to "demonize" in the true sense of the word, but you can remind yourself of how he made you feel at certain points, bad points. Like, when he said certain things or did certain things, how did you feel? Close your eyes and take yourself back to that time. When he gave you crap for changing into flat shoes for the movies with him instead of your heels. When he made that comment about FB and how he didn't want to see "pictures of you and different guys all over FB". When you spent 4th of July in awkward, tense silence because he was angry you didn't make the moves on him as you were drying your hair. When he called your phone 10x when you were showering/talking to your son and he accused you of ignoring him and expected a detailed log of what you did in his absence.

 

There's no demonizing in that, it's just remembering the past as it was and you have to ask yourself "do I want to feel this way again" because if you get back with him, the past will repeat itself. It's a good reminder of who he was and how your relationship was.

 

My relationship with N was very good for a long time but was really bad towards the end and I wrote a lot about that here and I used to go back and re-read what I wrote. One particular memory that will always stand out to me was when I got very sick after surgery and I was having signs of a potentially life-threatening condition that I was at risk of at the time, and I needed to go to the hospital and see my surgeon. I still remember sitting on the cold bathroom floor, in my own excrement and some emesis, crying, arguing with N, because he didn't want to take me to the hospital because he didn't want my parents to get involved. He wanted to take me to another hospital that I had never been before and they didn't have my records and my surgeon didn't have privileges so he wouldn't be able to see me. We argued for about 45 min as I continued to lose fluid and couldn't stand on my own.

That is not demonizing - that is just remembering the past. I remember how I felt that night and my heart still breaks a little when I think about it because it ranks up there with "worst things someone has done to me". It was so cold and I felt so helpless.

 

That said, when you get further in healing, it is okay to say that you appreciate the memories you have with someone. N and I shared a lot of fond memories - a lot. I have funny/good memories and stories with every single one of my exes. I still see some things sometimes that remind me of N or someone else and I smile, remember, and appreciate thinking about it. I wouldn't give up those memories at all, even if he did turn out to be emotionally abusive in the end. Every relationship is different, you feel differently, you share different parts of yourself with someone, etc. It's just a trade-off in the end, do the good things outweigh the bad? You can recognize the bad things and realize that they aren't right for you and later, you can remember the good parts while being confident in your decision.

[reinventmyself]

reinvent,

 

I just wanted to say that with the "demonizing" bit - you don't have to "demonize" in the true sense of the word, but you can remind yourself of how he made you feel at certain points, bad points. Like, when he said certain things or did certain things, how did you feel? Close your eyes and take yourself back to that time. When he gave you crap for changing into flat shoes for the movies with him instead of your heels. When he made that comment about FB and how he didn't want to see "pictures of you and different guys all over FB". When you spent 4th of July in awkward, tense silence because he was angry you didn't make the moves on him as you were drying your hair. When he called your phone 10x when you were showering/talking to your son and he accused you of ignoring him and expected a detailed log of what you did in his absence.

 

There's no demonizing in that, it's just remembering the past as it was and you have to ask yourself "do I want to feel this way again" because if you get back with him, the past will repeat itself. It's a good reminder of who he was and how your relationship was.

 

My relationship with N was very good for a long time but was really bad towards the end and I wrote a lot about that here and I used to go back and re-read what I wrote. One particular memory that will always stand out to me was when I got very sick after surgery and I was having signs of a potentially life-threatening condition that I was at risk of at the time, and I needed to go to the hospital and see my surgeon. I still remember sitting on the cold bathroom floor, in my own excrement and some emesis, crying, arguing with N, because he didn't want to take me to the hospital because he didn't want my parents to get involved. He wanted to take me to another hospital that I had never been before and they didn't have my records and my surgeon didn't have privileges so he wouldn't be able to see me. We argued for about 45 min as I continued to lose fluid and couldn't stand on my own.

 

 

Thanks for your encouraging words, Fudgie.

Your story of crying on the bathroom floor made me cry. That was so wrong.

Why is the very ones we trust our hearts to need to work out their issues on someone they insist they love.

It's not the way it's supposed to work!

 

I read what you wrote in your journal recently about often feeling confused between when someone is being controlling or just stating their preference and trying to know the difference. I have the same issues. A have to often decode a simple request from someone and go through my quick checklist of what there motivation might be and what it could cost me. It's a sad way to live.

It's a sad statement to the havoc people leave behind well after they are gone.

I am a testimony to that and so is S.

Too bad two people that did love each other couldn't figure out a way to work around it and just - simply love each other

[reinventmyself]

Also you know sometimes people admit they have an issue, but is just a roundabout way of getting you to satisfy / fuel their unhealthy needs (eg getting you to explain yourself thereby gaining temporary comfort in knowing that he had nothing to worry about...until next time).

 

I was rereading posts from this last year with S and this speaks volumes to me right now. (after the fact)

[reinventmyself]

While writing my 'list' at home, (I might post it, haven't decided)

I recall our first argument. We had only been dating for a very short time and were in a restaurant talking about ex's, kids and grandkids. I am able to be around my ex and my ex in laws and have a decent, mature relationship with them, for the sake of the kids. It will lend to being involved with the grandkids when the time comes.

 

S has been divorced from his sons mother for 30 yrs? He has grandkids and makes the choice to not assimilate into the mix and is very sensitive about being an outsider. But the way he described it, it is his choice. It was sad.

 

When I shared with him my situation he aggressively blurted something out. I don't recall what it was but it was uncalled for, angry and petty.

Something to the tune of `Well, it must be nice. . blah, blah, you and your ex. ." (I can't recall, but he was angry) I was stunned and got really quiet. There was this long awkward silence at a dinner table in public. Some time passed and he tried to talk to me but I was pretty shut down. I told him in that moment he went too far and it was not ok.

 

We got back to his house and in the garage we had one of the circular conversations that had me spinning. He diverted, blocked and changed direction so many times I was holding onto the wall by the door that led into the house. I felt myself wanting to run but I had taken the train there and couldn't just leave. I started to cry. I took me back the conflict style I had in my marriage where nothing I said was right so I just shut down.

We ended up going inside and we both sat in the dark.

At some point he said something to me that gave me a small indication that he had heard me and understood how I might have felt.

I immediately felt a little better.

 

Moments later he asked how I felt and why.

I told him that I wasn't feeling heard and the last comment he made, made me feel heard.

 

His response "So when I roll over and let you win is what makes you feel better?"

 

I can't add anything else to this story. For me it speaks for itself. We had only been dating for a couple months and this was our first fight.

[notalady]

His response "So when I roll over and let you win is what makes you feel better?"

 

I can't add anything else to this story. For me it speaks for itself. We had only been dating for a couple months and this was our first fight.

 

That is a sad mindset. It seems like his idea of conflict resolution is never admit defeat. He seems so terrified to be "wrong" that he refused to see or hear your point of view (hence why you feel unheard).

 

Sadly I've met some guys who do have this mentality after being in relationships where they felt they had no control or no say. I remember one guy I once dated 8 years ago for a couple of months, we were at the supermarket shopping for dinner ingredients. He asked what I wanted then proceeded to ignore it completely without so much as a "I feel like this instead, what do you think". He just went ahead and bought what he wanted without considering what I just said. Later I told him that made me feel uncomfortable. He said don't worry, one day you'll be making all the decisions and I'll just be standing there holding the basket. I was shocked and said that's not what I want at all! Apparently he was in a relationship of 5 years where the dynamic was like that.

[reinventmyself]

I think that's where I get really stuck. If you met S, he's tall, handsome, has had a fascinating life, (still does) has done things most people never will. He's interesting, he's had leadership & management positions. He's articulate, he's got his stuff together. He's the whole package. At the same time he's pretty unimpressed with himself. I found him being humble attractive.

But how is it someone like him can have so many insecurities? I can't seem to combine the two.

[reinventmyself]

My office has no windows. It doesn't help my current mood.

My receptionist is out and rather having her back-up person fill in I have opted to sit up here and answer phones.

I am getting odd looks from the staff as to why I am here. . but I am not budging!

It's a particularly busy day today and this is just better for my overall state of mind to be in a place with activity and - freakin' windows!

I wish I felt better. . I am in such a hurry to get to the other side but I know there are no short cuts.

I've gone from feeling like I can't make sense of anything to the beginning of resignation.

It's such a sad place when you begin to accept that I'll never speak to someone who was part of my everyday life for the past 8 months.

[Silverbirch]

Hugs. You have gotten through bad times before and you will again. You don't know for certain that he will not come back into your life again although it does seem that this is one of those times that for any chance of success, you need to let go and give him the opportunity to do something meaningful to deal with his insecurity issues. Try and think about the things you have done in the past which helped you deal with this type of pain please. Be kind to yourself.

[Ms Darcy]

I think that's where I get really stuck. If you met S, he's tall, handsome, has had a fascinating life, (still does) has done things most people never will. He's interesting, he's had leadership & management positions. He's articulate, he's got his stuff together. He's the whole package. At the same time he's pretty unimpressed with himself. I found him being humble attractive.

But how is it someone like him can have so many insecurities? I can't seem to combine the two.

 

Poor short men. Tall guys get all the chicks

[reinventmyself]

My birthday is on Saturday. That combined w S having had elective surgery yesterday I had previouy schedulef days off this week.

We havent spoken all week and S had sent a gift he had bought previously to my work and in turn we've been in contact thru email only.

I'm so confused. He says he misses me, called me baby. His heart is broken and I've shared the similar sentiments.

But no one makes a move.

He's the one one that ended it. I can't very well put it together.

Now I reread his emails and he may very well mean it all but it may not translate into wanting to recocile. I feel silly and confused.

I sent him an email tonight saying I appreciat all the kind words and sentiments but if his decision stands then I need to move on, take care of myself and no longer drag this out.

It's just too anxiety provoking.fir me.

I wish I had the strength to just leave it be and regret the email I just sent but it's too late now. He hasn't responded and probably won't until tomorrow and here I lay wide awake an anxious mess.

This week has taken its toll.

I either need to fix it or kill it.

[reinventmyself]

Well in the time I wrote that he wrote back to my email and doesn't want to reconcile but he misses me terribly. Why the head f'ing comments? He could have kept those to himself. It just seems cruel.

[Ms Darcy]

You should look at this thread:

 

Typical dumper behavior to soften the blow.

[WithLove]

You know the break needed to happen, my dear, even though you dreaded it and it now hurts deeply. Gonna state the obvious: block him from communication and start your healing process. The breadcrumbs he is leaving you is just making you miserable.

[reinventmyself]

You should look at this thread:

 

Typical dumper behavior to soften the blow.

That I would have caught.

Not 'I miss you so much baby, I lost my world'

 

Asking about his surgery: 'my body is fine, it's my heart that won't heal' etc

 

Not quite the same as 'let's be friends and it's not you, it's me!

 

I was silly enough to think he was wanting to recocile. But 3 days of and a birthday gift w a long note ending in the card . . And no action, my spidey senses went up so I asked.

'My decision is firm I just miss you so much, blah blah.

I told him thx for the honestly but no further comtact please.

I'm kinda stunned at the moment.

[WithLove]

See, that just makes me angry. "I don't want to get back together but I really miss you."

 

So he wants to make you miserable as well so it makes him feel better about the whole thing.

 

MEN!!!!!

[Fudgie]

I think he probably genuinely misses you but still stands firm on his choice. I've been the dumper in my relationships and yes, you still miss someone even after you choose to leave. However, I think it's wrong and damaging of him to reach out to you like that. As a dumper, you have to keep your feelings to yourself and realize that expressing those feelings to the dumpee just causes more pain.

[reinventmyself]

I've felt the same when Ive been the one to leave but thought it would a selfish, cruel, mix message to do that.

[Fudgie]

I agree, it's very cruel and selfish. I think this just demonstrates the fact that he truly lacks self-insight which you have seen in the past - despite many talks with him about his insecurity issues, he always managed to get upset at things and blame you.