Another online daing journal

[Fudgie]

I'm so sorry, didn't mean to make you cry at work.

 

Whether or not you try again is up to you in the future - you can have a wonderful life with or without a partner (the right partner, that is) and we will support you no matter what you choose. But right now you're hurting. And whether or not you try again in the future is irrelevant in terms of what I said: you deserve to be surrounded by people (romantic or not) who are supportive of you and you feel safe with, no one jumping down your throat, no one trying to get into your head space, no one ignoring you on an entire freaking holiday evening because you didn't jump his bones while you were drying your hair, Jesus Christ on a stick, that is making me grit my teeth.

 

I don't know what made him so wonky but it is not your job to clean up his messes like that. To be understanding (and you were, IMO!!), yes, but you should not be policing your every move to deal with his problems. I had a "do not talk/bring up" list with my ex N and by the end of our relationship, it was very long. So many things I couldn't even mention without him saying "This upsets me! Do not bring up!" and I would mentally add it.

 

When it gets to that point, it's on the other person to get some help. It's not your job to deal with that.

 

"I don't know why you're messed up

I don't know why your whole life is a chore

Just do me a favor

And check your baggage at the door"

 

-The Offspring (from the song "She's Got Issues")

[Ms Darcy]

We hadn’t talked in a couple days and last night - he’s the one who said he couldn’t do it anymore over the phone.

It hurts to have him do it but in a lot of ways I don’t know if I had the courage and would have waited until it got much worse.

 

It proves my point again, at least in my experience. It's that very thing you see in the very beginning that ends up being the demise in the end.

 

I'm very to hear all of this. How overwhelming.

 

I was concerned that it would have to be him to end it and that you would keep bending and bending to accommodate him. I'm sorry for your pain.

[reinventmyself]

I'm so sorry, didn't mean to make you cry at work.

 

 

Please don't apologize.

Your comments and responses from the other ladies here are the most validating I have had in sometime. That's what made me cry.

I felt heard. That means a lot to me.

I called my best friend last night and I knew better as she is self absorbed and began talking to herself. .

[Fudgie]

We are always here for you, reinvent.

[WithLove]

^ always!

 

It just sounds like one of those loves where..... you tried so hard to make it work, because he is a genuinely good guy.... but in the end, you understood that you just couldn't sacrifice so much of yourself to be with him. It'll be okay. You'll bounce back and so will he. He wasn't the right one for you.

 

Take some time and be kind to yourself. Post on here so we can help. Whatever works for you. We're here!

[reinventmyself]

That's the hard part. He is a good man and I do still love him.

The majority of it was good. Really good.

 

Thinking out loud. .I tend to be very transparent about things. It works for me. I prefer people who are the same way.

I learned early on that I needed to sensor myself with him. So many things triggered him.

 

I told him so. . . that there were things I didn't share with him because I knew it would upset him. It made me sad and I told him so.

I wanted him to know everything about me and there was nothing off limits.

 

Phew. . what a fine line to walk. Censoring myself carefully so as not upset him, but at the same time being asked what I am thinking and feeling. Then add in him reading my mind and assuming what's going on inside. And all the while starting to lose myself.

 

Faraday mentions learning from this and choosing wiser. But there are all lessons I have already learned. Over and over.

At what point to put them into to action?

I guess the good news is I don't marry them. I may stay way too long but I don't commit my life to them.

[Fudgie]

Just curious reinvent, and you don't have to go into detail but sort of things were you not able to talk to him about? What triggered him?

[WithLove]

It just goes to strengthen your boundaries and limits, is all. You know what's good and bad for you, but some guys are really good guys in that they seem to be good for you, even when they aren't. You just have to try to pay attention to those early warnings in the beginning, because usually they tend to be the ones that end relationships, as you said before.

 

Try not to worry. We're human... we make mistakes. Dating isn't easy, and if it was, everyone would have found their One by now. And.... part of coming into ourselves as individuals is by encountering different people and learning from our own actions. So, take heart. It hurts right now, but in some time, you'll be okay.

[reinventmyself]

Just curious reinvent, and you don't have to go into detail but sort of things were you not able to talk to him about? What triggered him?

 

mostly my whereabouts.

when we finished golf on Friday a guy friend, Eddie we've known for 30 yrs came by to eat with us. So freakin' innocent. But based on previous reactions from S, I omitted that part of my afternoon.

I can go on with specifics it's but mostly mentioning anything or anyone that has testicles. lol

 

My ex husband is a particularly sensitive subject. That's off limits. It doesn't matter that he's an abusive N and I have told S that. He thinks if I bring his name up I still must be hung up on him. elch.

 

I gave S a tour of my work one weekend. An older attorney was working late on a case and greeted me buy simply saying `Hi sweetie, what are you doing here?"

I introduced them, they shook hands but I also am pretty sensitive to someone's reactions. .I can kinda feel them myself and I could sense S wasn't happy.

S: "Do all your male coworkers greet you that way? (give me a break!) This was early on in dating and I found myself defending myself. It wasn't long after that I would catch myself because I have no reason to have to defend myself.

 

My life is pretty social and I am out and about with different people and run into new and old friends. I just don't elaborate on it because I can feel him get tense and or go silent.

I did start to expose him more and more to things with the notion that his reaction was his to deal with. .not mine.

I did help that he was meeting more of my friends. His original comments were that the only reason women get dressed and go out together is to troll for men.

 

We ran into a male friend one night after dinner and he kissed me hello on the cheek. That set S off.

My male friend text me the next day asking `what the he** was that about?' Sensing S's steely greeting.

I remember once we were getting ready to go meet up with my friends who were listening to live music and socializing.

 

S said he didn't feel like being around crowds so we came up with going to the movies. As I changed my shoes from heels to flats I remember him making a remark about it. I don't call the remark but the message was. . `why would you wear those shoes to go to bar but change into flat with me' I said ' because I didn't want to be 6 feet tall to go the movies. .besides I get cold easily"

 

I shared with him that I bought a new bathing suit. He asked if it was a two piece or one. I said a two piece of course. He shared his view that women only wear bikini's to show off their bodies to other men. .

 

Ugh. . here now the dam breaks and I continue to admit all the things I've been ignoring along the way.

[Ms Darcy]

Half of the world's population is male. That's just way too much insecurity.

[reinventmyself]

. . .well. . if it's anything to be grateful for he didn't put his profile back up. . yet.

That's a first.

I've grown accustomed to them shopping for my replacement before the sheets even cooled.

[browneyedgirl36]

Half of the world's population is male. That's just way too much insecurity.

 

Agreed. Something REALLY bad must have happened to S in the past to make him so un-trusting and so insecure. Or, he has really low self-esteem (or some combination thereof. Regardless, I'm not sure it's something he'll ever get past if he hasn't by now.

 

I'm sorry, reinvent. I know how painful it is when you think something could really be going somewhere, and it abruptly ends. It's probably better, in the long run, though, as it sounds like S has issues that he has never worked through.

[reinventmyself]

Agreed. Something REALLY bad must have happened to S in the past to make him so un-trusting and so insecure. Or, he has really low self-esteem (or some combination thereof. Regardless, I'm not sure it's something he'll ever get past if he hasn't by now.

 

I'm sorry, reinvent. I know how painful it is when you think something could really be going somewhere, and it abruptly ends. It's probably better, in the long run, though, as it sounds like S has issues that he has never worked through.

 

He was in the Marines with a wife and 3 very small children at home. He came home to find his best friend rolling around on the couch with his wife.

She left and took the boys to another state. Him being in the service, a pilot and civil servant moved him around. He saw the boys as much as he could, but it wasn't much. His oldest son was killed walking home from school at 14.

 

He says almost every woman he's been involved with `has stepped out on him' He married one more time several years later and that only lasted four years.

 

I don't think the women broke his heart as much as the distance to his kids did. He cried when he told me about the 14 yr old boy. That was over 25 yrs ago?

He didn't really have a steady relationship with them until they were young adults and now they live 2 states away.

(I suspect that's where he is going today, matter of fact)

 

It made me really nervous when he shared with me the ways he would find out. He had no shame in accessing p.o. boxes, hacking emails and phones.

 

One day when he was pretty open minded and good natured, I told him he really wasn't very unique. That most people have been heartbroken and cheated on.

It's whether you choose to let it affect the rest of your life and your future relationships that counts.

 

I put a password on my phone for about a day and then took it off. Besides it being a hassle, I am just not that interesting. But I didn't like the sense that he didn't have any feeling attached to finding out the way he did. In some ways I can't blame him. In other ways it made me really nervous, almost like a warning. Not sure why it felt that way but I did.

[notalady]

So sorry to hear this reinvent, it seemed sudden but at the same time I'm not surprised. Things seemed to be going well for a while but I always remember in the back of my mind the issues he has, that's not going away on its own and was bound to show up again and again.

 

Reading your more detailed posts about what you can't share with S and what sets him off, that sounds soooo tiring. My ex C was easily set off (not in terms of jealousy of other males in my life, he's just really an*l about things) about little 'mistakes' I make (that I don't consider as mistakes) or if I said the wrong thing or had the wrong tone in his view, that's enough to ruin the rest of the day. I ended up apologising for most of those, though most of the time not going down without a fight lol. I used to censor what I say and be careful of what I do so as to not do anything 'wrong'. I was so tired of censoring and tired of talking or arguing about these non-issues and tired of apologising. I swore I would never date a guy I can't just relax and be myself around and say and do whatever I want (within reason) ever again.

 

It really resonated with me when you said S would tell you what you're thinking. Both C and Z did that in their own ways that reflected their own issues. C used to do something similar to S, jokingly say negative things that he assumes I'm thinking like he would tell a joke and then pretend to be me and say "C, you're not funny", I was like what? That's not at all what I'm thinking! But I knew he's just being insecure so he'd strike first, spell out what he thought was the obvious (even though a lot of the time was untrue) so he didn't have to risk someone else saying or thinking it.

 

Z used to assume he knows what would upset me, assume what I would appreciate (eg expensive jewellery) because those were the kinds of things his ex would get upset about or she really liked. So he assumes ALL female are like that. Most of the time he was way off base, and I found myself having to defend who I really am. He didn't make the effort to really get to know who I am and just assigned an identify for me, I see S doing the same to you. In my case, Z assumed I'm a sensitive, dramatic, make mountain out of mole hill female who LOVES expensive branded products (all of which couldn't be further from the truth), and S assumes you're the cheater that every other woman in his life turned out to be.

 

I know it feels sad right now but I'm actually pretty happy that you got your freedom back. That's how I felt breaking up with my ex's, after the sadness subsided, I felt free, free to be myself again and that's a wonderful feeling. I really hope you get to that point very soon!

[reinventmyself]

looking back now, I missed the red flag where a man puts you on a pedestal.

It's a long way to fall. ;(

[Ms Darcy]

I'm going to guess that for his next gf, he'll say that YOU stepped out on him.

[reinventmyself]

I know it feels sad right now but I'm actually pretty happy that you got your freedom back. That's how I felt breaking up with my ex's, after the sadness subsided, I felt free, free to be myself again and that's a wonderful feeling. I really hope you get to that point very soon!

 

Thanks NL

I know it's true but it's really hard to imagine at the moment.

[reinventmyself]

I'm going to guess that for his next gf, he'll say that YOU stepped out on him.

 

When sharing about his previous relationship, prior to ours, he said they argued a lot and she always had to be right . . to point of burying herself.

I always, always take a persons version with a grain of salt and in that moment I remembered wondering if the same would be true about him. Because there is always a yin for a yang. One can't fight to be right unless they have someone to fight with, right?

 

Funny enough when all I wanted was to be heard, I heard those very words. ~You just want to be right ~ I insisted it didn't matter if he agreed or not. I just wanted to be heard, not right. He did not need to agree with me. He on the other hand saw things in black and white, right or wrong. I couldn't get anything right in his eyes.

 

It's often said the very thing you find fault in someone else is the very thing you are faulty about.

[Ms Darcy]

When sharing about his previous relationship, prior to ours, he said they argued a lot and she always had to be right . . to point of burying herself.

I always, always take a persons version with a grain of salt and in that moment I remembered wondering if the same would be true about him. Because there is always a yin for a yang. One can't fight to be right unless they have someone to fight with, right?

 

Funny enough when all I wanted was to be heard, I heard those very words. ~You just want to be right ~ I insisted it didn't matter if he agreed or not. I just wanted to be heard, not right. He did not need to agree with me. He on the other hand saw things in black and white, right or wrong. I couldn't get anything right in his eyes.

 

It's often said the very thing you find fault in someone else is the very thing you are faulty about.

 

For sure he's going to say this about you "we argued a lot and she always had to be right." Bleh.

[faraday]

You know how in the beginning you had a strong immediate reaction about his insecure comments?

 

That's when you get out. You don't try to work through it. You don't try to give them the benefit of the doubt. In early dating, when someone shows you who they are, you don't second guess it.

 

So that's your lesson.

 

It should be easy in the beginning. It's only going to get harder, so pick someone that's easy to be around (on all levels).

 

 

And I'm sorry that you're hurting. This sucks. It sucks so much. Break ups always throw us off balance and drop our stomachs and leave us feeling...gutted. So I'm sorry that you're going through this. But you're right...better now than after marriage. One day at a time. And vent all you want...we've all been there...many times.

[WithLove]

How are you feeling today, my friend?

[reinventmyself]

For sure he's going to say this about you "we argued a lot and she always had to be right." Bleh.

 

. . . no doubt

[faraday]

I missed a bunch of posts by reinvent...and all I can say is...I agree 100% that people find fault in someone else with issues they are dealing with themselves.

 

That's why dealing with insecure people is so hard...it's not about you at all...and there's nothing you can do to make them feel better...and they'll repeatedly gaslight you into thinking its your fault and your responsibility to fix it when it really can't be fixed.

 

The guy I dated that was really insecure was that way because he cheated on his ex wife and multiple gfs in the past. So I always had to tell him where I was (and send pictures to prove it- w.t.h??) and I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone with a penis...even my daughters father, which strained our amicable relationship tremendously. Which annoyed me because he had tons of female friends, went to the bar all the time (and had all of the waitresses numbers in his phone)...it was beyond hypocritical.

 

I fought so hard for him. Just like I think you did reinvent. And trust me, when you're over this, you'll look back and wonder why you stayed as long as you did. You'll be thankful he ended it.

 

I hope you're feeling a bit better today. I'm throwing positive vibes your way.

[reinventmyself]

You know how in the beginning you had a strong immediate reaction about his insecure comments?

 

That's when you get out. You don't try to work through it. You don't try to give them the benefit of the doubt. In early dating, when someone shows you who they aree

You are right.

Funny how conveniently I can justify things. He was very candid about his insecurities. In most ways admitting your faults is a sign of strength. I admired that. That combined with the personal work he had done on himself, therapy and support groups he seemed eager to do things differently.

 

In the end I now see that it's ok to have insecurities but if all you are doing is asking your partner to accommodate to them at some point it becomes controlling.

I have to be fair. There was some improvement but not enough and not enough in time to keep from eroding at the relationship.

 

I had to go back and reread something's l've learned about communication and conflict styles. He did the very thing my ex h did. When trying to have a challenging conversation he would block and divert. You end up in this circular mess that doesn't go anywhere. I could say something very thoughtful that was close to the truth or repeat something he said back to him and he would divert it and change directions over and over.

 

I don't care for how easily people throw out the label Narcissism like tic tacs here.

But my ex h is a diagnosed N. This communication style and lack of empathy is similar to S's. . dunno. Can't help but go there in my mind and wonder.

It's good to put this is writing because seeing I have experienced this before it messes with my head that I have found myself in the middle of it again.

I am a common denominator here.

I am far from perfect but those close to me would say I am (for the most part) very thoughtful and fair in challenging moments and express myself well.

But when S or my exh were done with me I feel blindsided, as if I am trying to fight my way out of a paper bag and don't know what's real anymore.

I keep trying to replay our last argument to make sense of it. . and I can't.

I can't believe how far off the rails a simple conflict would go. It just doesn't make sense.

 

With love: I am ok. I hate the mornings. You wake up with a gutt kick and then you just put one foot in front of the other.

I am really fortunate to have great friends. I went out with 2 coworkers for just a short time and they made me laugh. As much as it hurt to hear it, they thought S's actions were controlling.

 

On my way home I met up with my friends who were out and we ended up my gf's house drinking wine until late in the evening.

Oh yah, I have a baby hangover this morning and didn't sleep well. I called in sick and will go golfing with two of the girls from last night.

No doubt they are even awake yet. I had some good laughs and a good distraction. Better than therapy.

 

This morning everything was still waiting for me . . Everyone is saying that S will reappear. It's typically been the case in my experience but he's pretty hard core about things.

I am not counting on it. I just hope if he chooses to that it's after some time has passed and I am on the other side of this. I get why people return. Not because it's in everyones best interest, it's just to circumvent the pain and make it go away.

 

I am watching the news and due to the tragedy in Texas they are showing a live feed of a protest outside of an Los Angeles PD graduation.

The crowd is growing. My son is a firefighter and is typically off duty and home by 7am. It's 9 and no sign of him. I am grateful he's not a PO but he's a uniformed officer

nonetheless. Makes a mother nervous. They may have held him over for a tactical alert.

 

I need to eat but the hangover and anxiety doesn't make it easy. blech

[faraday]

 

I get why people return. No because it's in everyones best interest, it's just to circumvent the pain and make go away.

 

.

 

Wise words and very true.

 

I think he'll be back as well. People with insecurities often end things to test you. To see if you'll fight for them...they want you to prove your love. If you don't contact them, they'll contact you...partly because they miss you...and partly because they want to manipulate you and see that you're missing them. I'd always find my ex on my doorstep 2-3 weeks after ever break up. It sucked. I hope that doesn't happen to you, it makes it super hard to stick to your guns...I took him back repeatedly (which I regret so much).

 

Are you considering blocking him for a bit until you're on the other side?

 

I'm glad you have gfs to talk with and have fun with. It sounds like a good group of friends...I hope you have an awesome day golfing, and as I always jokingly say to my dad, I hope you win