Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

We had a good conversation last night. I won't belabor the details but I did share with him and he agreed, that he doesn't always say the right thing in the right moment. I shared with him that I need to focus more on his actions because they tell me how much he loves me and pay attention to how well he treats me in those moments. Because he absolutely does.

 

I understand what's important to him and what makes him feel loved and that is being appreciated for all that he does do. And he typically goes out of his way to make me happy.

 

I did share with him that I really want him give some more thought on actually `hearing' me. Because if I feel heard, then I feel understood and safe. Trying to dispute or rationalize my feelings on his terms pushes me away. Ultimately this is what makes me feel loved the most.

 

He understood and said he really needed to work on listening and not trying to be `right' all the time.

 

And I need to learn to stay open, because I tend to just shut down, push him away and want to end things right there and then when things get tough.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm glad you all found a little peace in your follow-up conversation.

[WithLove]

Happy Mother's Day, D!

[reinventmyself]

Happy Mother's Day, D!

 

Aww. .Thank you WL!

Sorry for the late response

[reinventmyself]

I am literally forcing myself to write this.

I guess I am afraid of what I'll see or hear.

 

Yesterday 7:57, S called and I am in the shower.

7:58 he text ` are you home?' ( I am still in the shower)

 

I get out, I hear my son arrive home and I go downstairs to visit with him.

He's had a really stressful day (rounding up the end of being in the fire academy)

I sit with him while he eats and vents not knowing S had text and called.

My phone is upstairs and 20 min's later I hear it ring, and ring again. Then I hear a text.

I interrupt my son and go get my phone to see that S has reached out 5 times in 40 mins.

I text him `hold on a sec'

 

I called him back 10 minutes later a little annoyed. I asked if he somehow didn't trust I would return his call? Why the impatience?

 

After explaining to him and giving him moment by moment account for those 40 mins on top of my sons story,

S asks "So what was the reason you were ignoring me?"

 

S has a history of insecurities that he has shown me. He keeps them in check for the most part but this literally sent me over the edge.

 

I didn't say much of anything. . other than repeating my story and accounting for the time leads me to not understanding how he interprets that as being ignored.

Besides, the way he worded it is pretty much an accusation and he wants a reason.

He didn't say much and I said I needed to go.

I text him before I went to bed. `5 times in 40 min's smacks of mistrust' He didn't respond.

 

I can't be with insecure men. The insecure men I know ultimately are controlling.

He's coming over tonight.

I can't seem to check my attitude and I don't know what to expect.

[IAmFCA]

Let's accept him as he is, no need to blame him for being who he is.

 

Also

 

accept that he's not the man for you.

 

And that's okay.

[notalady]

He sounds like a teenager in a way.

 

Having to give a blow by blow account for what you've done in the last 40 minutes would really be the last straw for me. I don't know what was going through his head that he lost control like that (as oppose to keeping it in check as you said he normally does), but it's just not cool.

 

He's continuing to show you who he really is and its up to you to decide if you can accept it (I suspect not).

[faraday]

What was so important that he needed to get a hold of you right that minute?

 

I can totally dig if someone calls me on repeat if...they're at the store picking up something for me and need clarification (Jay has done this over salted/unsalted butter before)...or medical emergencies...or anything time sensitive (I've done this to Jay when he hasn't given me an eta and I'm making something (like steak) that can't be over cooked).

 

If he was calling and texting just because he didn't like that he couldn't get a hold of you...that would make me want to run too.

[Fudgie]

The only time I'd be okay with that kind of over-contact would be if there were a real emergency and someone was freaking out. This is madness! You don't deserve that. My ex N did the same thing and I hated it, made me feel like I was a kid on a curfew or something.

[notalady]

What was so important that he needed to get a hold of you right that minute?

 

I can totally dig if someone calls me on repeat if...they're at the store picking up something for me and need clarification (Jay has done this over salted/unsalted butter before)...or medical emergencies...or anything time sensitive (I've done this to Jay when he hasn't given me an eta and I'm making something (like steak) that can't be over cooked).

 

If he was calling and texting just because he didn't like that he couldn't get a hold of you...that would make me want to run too.

 

Yes I would only accept this kinds of behaviour under time sensitive situations, doesn't have to be emergency but if someone is at the store waiting to hear from me regarding a purchase or cooking dinner etc, I can understand if they call and text several times to get hold of me.

[faraday]

How did it go reinvent? Did it go better in person?

[Ms Darcy]

No need to be afraid of what you hear!

 

You give lots of good advice, so I am just going to paraphrase something you have said.

 

He is who he is. Dating is about a) observing how the other person acts in various situations and b) making a decision about whether or not you are compatible with the other person.

 

You need both of these things in order to be effective You can't determine if someone is compatible fully if you are trying to cajole and convince someone to change. (Not saying you are doing that at all.) On the other hand, if you spend months and months on end observing you end up with analysis paralysis where you aren't really making any decisions and just moving around in circles - not forward.

 

I think this thing is at a point where you need to give yourself a timeframe to make a decision about whether this man is in your future.

[reinventmyself]

It's done. Not ready to talk about it. I can't sort out what just happened

Thank you all.

Now the second guessing begins. Damn it.

[Ms Darcy]

It's bittersweet. I know you did the right thing for you. Hugs!

[notalady]

Hugs for you reinvent! You can always come to us if you are second guessing. We'll tell you you made the right decision!

[faraday]

It's done. Not ready to talk about it. I can't sort out what just happened

Thank you all.

Now the second guessing begins. Damn it.

 

((((((reinvent)))))))

 

It's never easy...especially when you like someone and enjoy their company We're here when you want to talk.

[WithLove]

Sending hugs your way, Reinvent. You're just too independent for someone like S. There's nothing wrong with it. You tried very hard to compromise, like he tried compromising for you. But sometimes it just doesn't work out.

 

Let us know how you're doing when you feel comfortable enough to do so.

[WithLove]

Checking in to see how you're doing. ((((((Hugs)))))

[Silverbirch]

I so admire your strength (((()))))

[Silverbirch]

No need to be afraid of what you hear!

 

You give lots of good advice, so I am just going to paraphrase something you have said.

 

He is who he is. Dating is about a) observing how the other person acts in various situations and b) making a decision about whether or not you are compatible with the other person.

 

You need both of these things in order to be effective You can't determine if someone is compatible fully if you are trying to cajole and convince someone to change. (Not saying you are doing that at all.) On the other hand, if you spend months and months on end observing you end up with analysis paralysis where you aren't really making any decisions and just moving around in circles - not forward.

 

I think this thing is at a point where you need to give yourself a timeframe to make a decision about whether this man is in your future.

 

Such wonderful advice Mrs Darcy.

[reinventmyself]

Thanks Ladies!

 

S and I had a couple days to reflect and I decided to keep my date with him this last Saturday. He had bought concert tickets and between that and his schedule, I won't see him for a couple weeks. It was awkward because we really hadn't cleared the air. I showed up and it felt like we were on opposites of the ring.

 

but the couple days apart (and going forward) has given me time to reflect on some things.

 

I am aware and have been told many times before that I give off the sense that I am not all the way in a relationship. I also give subtle queues that I either don't need you and/or I can easily leave. Some of it's true, the other half bravado. I know I tend to frustrate my partners by keeping them at arms length. I could easily pin this on S's insecurities but seeing I have heard it more than once, I am the common denominator.

 

S has some insecurities. He owns them and is working on them.

Aside from his own insecurities when he shared with me how some of the things I do make him feel, I was a little embarrassed.

 

I pointed out to him earlier and it's become more apparent this time around that we trigger each other.

 

My biggest fear is that a man will try to control me or try to change me, so I push away. So when S feels insecure and holds on tighter, I feel controlled and push more.

 

And the circle goes around.

 

I bought a book on my kindle about communication styles. Sadly the very thing I was asking of him I see I wasn't giving in return.

 

Add in one of my friends who's opinion I trust tells me `S seems like a good guy. I get the sense you are waiting for him to screw up'

Ouch.

 

So. . having said all this. .It's not all about me.

S has his stuff to work and so do I.

 

I don't know what the future holds. The time and distance gives me clarity and I am taking it one day at a time.

 

Oh, and the recounting of the texting and phone calls I posted. . the jury is still out but I may have not heard him correctly.

He insists he didn't say `So, was WAS the real reason you were ignoring me'

 

Instead he says he playfully said. 'so you weren't ignoring me' There's a subtle difference and it makes a little more sense because immediately after he said this he was asking me about my day and at that moment I just saw red and I couldn't turn it around.

The texting and phones calls in the time span were his attempt to catch me before I went to bed and he went to the gym late.

(because I had been telling him I needed to speak to him earlier rather than later in the eve's)

 

So . . this all sorta makes a little more sense. I still think it was combination of a bunch of things, him trying to considerate, a dash in insecurity and me jumping to a conclusion and not being able to back down.

 

We just need to figure out in these challenging moments that we are able to empathize with each other and be heard. I thought I was so smart until I read the first chapter of this book . . Dang it. I am just as guilty.

 

One day at a time. I think the next time I see him is probably a week from Tues? for only a couple hours.

[faraday]

I support you no matter what you do.

 

I will say this though....Love shouldn't be hard in the beginning. This is supposed to be the funnest part of a relationship.

[reinventmyself]

I support you no matter what you do.

 

I will say this though....Love shouldn't be hard in the beginning. This is supposed to be the funnest part of a relationship.

 

Absolutely and I agree.

But wait until you are my age and people show up very complex with years of experiences that color the way we react to things.

It was definitely easier when you are younger and a little more of a fresh sponge of experiences.

Dating at my age is challenging. There isn't anyone I know in my circle of friends who would say otherwise.

But then again, my friends are goofy

[faraday]

I have issues. Most of the people I've dated have issues. Jay totally has issues. And I'm not with the people who have had issues that conflict with mine and vice versa.

 

I mean, the jealousy issue paired with the not wanting be be controlled issue...is just adding fuel to either fire. There are lots of issues that either of your issues wouldn't conflict with so heavily.

 

That said, maybe you've got things to learn here. So, I will support you 100%. Go for it. Just don't date him thinking you'll never meet anyone better...because...that's not true for anyone. I adore Jay...but I totally think I could meet someone just as awesome if not better, if I was single and started dating again. Scarcity leads to settling. If you think S is amazing and incredible and perfect for you...then I think that's great and that you should continue to date him. If you think he's awesome but needs to change a few things for it to work with you...well...we all know how that turns out.

[reinventmyself]

Thanks faraday,

I honestly think this is my last rodeo, seriously!

I have had the fortunate experience to date considerably since my divorce several years ago. So, scarcity?. . no.

Coming to terms with my needs, tolerance and lifestyle. .maybe.

 

Uhhhg, looking back I've made some really bad choices and in between have spent considerable time alone. I am always learning things about myself.

 

Unfortunately we come here to vent about the negative and what we often fail to do (you are better at it than most )

is to fairly share what happens in between.

 

The good parts with S, are reeeallly good. I haven't felt this way about someone in a very,very long time.

 

I also have an open mind. I am going to be ok, no matter the outcome.