Another online daing journal

[faraday]

My poor husband would never pass with ya'll. I'm just sayin'. No mind-reading, no guessing, no "knowing what to say and when to say it" according to things I have never said. Lol. As long as what you have is working, it's all good.

 

Lol. No kidding. Jay says the worst thing possible every time...idk how he does it lol. I try to look at what his intentions are when he says things, it works a lot better that way

[reinventmyself]

My poor husband would never pass with ya'll. I'm just sayin'. No mind-reading, no guessing, no "knowing what to say and when to say it" according to things I have never said. Lol. As long as what you have is working, it's all good.

 

maybe I'm not reading this right or tired and hungry . .or all the above, but I am not sure what you meant by 'My poor husband would never pass with ya'll' No mind-reading, no guessing, no "knowing what to say and when to say it" ?

 

I ask you to clarify because you seem so happy. . maybe it'll rub off

[Ms Darcy]

maybe I'm not reading this right or tired and hungry . .or all the above, but I am not sure what you meant by 'My poor husband would never pass with ya'll' No mind-reading, no guessing, no "knowing what to say and when to say it" ?

 

I ask you to clarify because you seem so happy. . maybe it'll rub off

 

Oh, it's just similar to what Faraday said. He has "foot in mouth" disease. I said something the other day about how I think I'm losing weight and point to my bottom. He said "I don't know. Big butt, small butt, I don't notice." No matter what I weigh, he thinks I'm the same weight. Lol. It's just funny.

 

Unlike most guys, he's not particularly visual. He's more auditory and kinesthetic. His love languages are by far physical touch and words of affection. So, he's a mess when it comes to complimenting my looks.

 

We went to see Deadpool and took a few pictures outside of the theater. He looked at them later and was like, "Wow, you actually look really really pretty!" Was that a compliment?!! Lol. But he's like that with everyone ... and he has a mom and four sisters so they give him a hard time about it too.

 

Weirdly though, he will notice every nuanced change about my voice. We were talking on the phone and I had a very slight cold and he was like "Oh, are you okay? Your voice sounds a little raspy. Do you need water?" Crazy guy.

[notalady]

Oh, it's just similar to what Faraday said. He has "foot in mouth" disease. I said something the other day about how I think I'm losing weight and point to my bottom. He said "I don't know. Big butt, small butt, I don't notice." No matter what I weigh, he thinks I'm the same weight. Lol. It's just funny.

 

Unlike most guys, he's not particularly visual. He's more auditory and kinesthetic. His love languages are by far physical touch and words of affection. So, he's a mess when it comes to complimenting my looks.

 

We went to see Deadpool and took a few pictures outside of the theater. He looked at them later and was like, "Wow, you actually look really really pretty!" Was that a compliment?!! Lol. But he's like that with everyone ... and he has a mom and four sisters so they give him a hard time about it too.

 

Weirdly though, he will notice every nuanced change about my voice. We were talking on the phone and I had a very slight cold and he was like "Oh, are you okay? Your voice sounds a little raspy. Do you need water?" Crazy guy.

 

I don't see anything wrong with what he said in those situations lol, the weight loss comment is similar to what my boyfriend said to me when I talked about losing weight, maybe I have a different definition to some about "the right thing to say". To me as long as it's genuine, from the heart, without intention to influence or change you, and without intention to disrespect (eg saying yes you had a big butt when he knows you are self conscious about it), then it's fine with me.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't see anything wrong with what he said in those situations lol, the weight loss comment is similar to what my boyfriend said to me when I talked about losing weight, maybe I have a different definition to some about "the right thing to say". To me as long as it's genuine, from the heart, without intention to influence or change you, and without intention to disrespect (eg saying yes you had a big butt when he knows you are self conscious about it), then it's fine with me.

 

It doesn't bother me but it has bothered other women - particularly his mom and his sisters.

 

What I'm saying is I don't see anything wrong with your ex saying you don't need to wear make up, you don't need heels, you don't need to straighten your hair, you don't need to lose weight either. They are just comments on liking your current state. That seemed genuine and from the heart too without trying to change you, and you said you thought it had a good intention, but you reflected on not liking it because you became less motivated. That's where I say there's a bit of inconsistency there because it sounded like you were looking for a bit of motivation.

 

Whatever, it's not a big deal. Sorry to dereail reinvent!

[reinventmyself]

He looked at them later and was like, "Wow, you actually look really really pretty!" Was that a compliment?!! Lol.

We were talking on the phone and I had a very slight cold and he was like "Oh, are you okay? Your voice sounds a little raspy. Do you need water?" Crazy guy.

 

Ok. .thanks for my morning chuckle. that's pretty funny.

 

Yah. .I need to lighten up a little. S trips over himself at times and depending on my mood I don't handle it as well as you do.

It's about the intention behind it. . not the actual words. I guess I can be too literal at times.. . or sensitive or maybe both.

 

I am a bi product of two prior critical relationships. Working on not letting that influence my present one.

[Silverbirch]

Awww Mrs Darcy, love reading about you and your hubby and so glad you finally met him!

[Ms Darcy]

Ok. .thanks for my morning chuckle. that's pretty funny.

 

Yah. .I need to lighten up a little. S trips over himself at times and depending on my mood I don't handle it as well as you do.

It's about the intention behind it. . not the actual words. I guess I can be too literal at times.. . or sensitive or maybe both.

 

I'll tell you what, morning yoga and meditation make me very happy throughout the day. If I don't go that, I can be cranky though.

[notalady]

It doesn't bother me but it has bothered other women - particularly his mom and his sisters.

 

What I'm saying is I don't see anything wrong with your ex saying you don't need to wear make up, you don't need heels, you don't need to straighten your hair, you don't need to lose weight either. They are just comments on liking your current state. That seemed genuine and from the heart too without trying to change you, and you said you thought it had a good intention, but you reflected on not liking it because you became less motivated. That's where I say there's a bit of inconsistency there because it sounded like you were looking for a bit of motivation.

 

Whatever, it's not a big deal. Sorry to dereail reinvent!

 

Haha I see what you mean, I guess what works for some doesn't work for others!

[reinventmyself]

Just a random vent.

My ex husband is a narcissist. I know people toss that around here irresponsibly so I wouldn't put it in writing if it wasn't so.

(my therapist and our marriage counselor labeled him so)

 

I rarely if ever answer my phone if he calls. The boys are old enough now that unless they are bleeding, we have no reason to speak.

But it doesn't stop him. I swear he dreams up reasons to call.

This translates into once a year or twice, maybe for random reasons. Each and every time I am in his presence or talk to him, I feel baited.

 

For longer than I can recall he has asked me for the family home videos. Everything he does is under the guise of being a generous, nice guy. Mostly from my experience, it's for his own selfish reasons. That or attention. At some point I gave in when he was using our youngest son as a messenger and having my son even ask what my resistance was, after all Dad was being this great, generous guy and offering to convert them to dvds and generously make me copies. How could I be so difficult?? After 12 years I knew the videos were deteriorating and his offer was better than letting the video tapes go bad. So I packed them off, sent them off with my youngest son knowing darn well I would never see them again, dvd or otherwise. Yah. .I was right. That was 4 years ago. silly me.

 

Last night my ex leaves me a vm to call him back. Our oldest son is graduating the fire academy and wanted photos of when he was younger on or around the fire station (my ex is a fireman). He wants to give the someone who is going to make a commemorative video montage to show at our sons family celebration. I mention to my ex that I do have these pictured and I would take snapshots of them and email them to him. He's not very techn savvy, insisting those won't work and needs the originals. I commented that I would never see them again much like the family movies. He raises his voice in protest "I am just trying to something nice for A***!!!"

 

I know it doesn't sound like much but I flashback to years and years of all the things that were done for me or the boys, even under protest because he `was being sooo nice'

 

There was I time I would argue with him. Instead I said `you're right, I'll get them to you right away'

Hmmmphh. . NOT. I will email them to him much like I offered.

 

My ex will throw my son a party, much like he did when A*** graduated paramedic school. My ex will sit at the head of the table, grandstand, draw attention to him self all night and make sure everyone knows he's picking up the tab.

 

These parties have very little to do with the intended and everything to do with my ex. . `because after all he's such a great guy'

 

Ok. . I am done venting.

[Silverbirch]

Must have been a relief to get away from him.

[reinventmyself]

Things continue to go well with S. We've managed to carve out time despite our schedule and it wasn't nearly as difficult as we thought it might be.

 

I spent Saturday night at his home, coming home last night. Tomorrow he'll stay at mine and then he's gone again until Sunday.

 

I've taken up golfing in the last year and just don't seem to find time to sign up for some private instruction. That and seeing S has cut in to my golfing time with my friends.

S has gone with me a couple times, but he has on going back issues that a golf swing doesn't agree with. That and I swear he thinks it will hurt his tennis game. He is obsssesssed with tennis. It makes for some playful banter.

 

S tells me to bring my clubs this weekend and we'll make time for the driving range. We get there and as I am putting on my shoes, he disappears to pay only to return with one of son's best friends who is a golf pro. `Look who I ran into! '. Caught off guard and a little awkwardly embarrassed Todd worked with me for about 45 minutes. After which the 3 of us went and had a beer. It was only then did I figure out that S had arranged the whole thing ahead of time.

So sweet.

 

It's been a long time or I am not sure I can remember when I have been this vulnerable and open with someone. It's more apparent to me each day how much I have withheld parts of myself in relationships. Even having said that, S shares with me that I hold back with him some. There is some truth to this . . but if he only knew. .

[WithLove]

What stressors have you been dealing with? The last time I checked in with you, S seemed to get irrationally jealous and possessive with you. Are these traits still a problem?

 

(I feel bad because I haven't been keeping up to date with everyone's journals. I used to be on here all day back when I worked, but after getting fired, I log into tapatalk and it's harder to follow things. Trying to check in with my fellow journal-ers!)

[reinventmyself]

What stressors have you been dealing with? The last time I checked in with you, S seemed to get irrationally jealous and possessive with you. Are these traits still a problem?

 

(I feel bad because I haven't been keeping up to date with everyone's journals. I used to be on here all day back when I worked, but after getting fired, I log into tapatalk and it's harder to follow things. Trying to check in with my fellow journal-ers!)

 

No stressor as of late. And don't worry about responding! I haven't much to respond to, besides you have plenty on your plate!

The insecurity seems to be getting better or he's just better at hiding it. I did make a comment about him hiding it and in turn he reminded me he is respectfully working on it and I need to give him credit . .Fair enough.

 

Our last conversation got me thinking as he was sharing the more he got to know me, the better he would feel. I cautioned him that it probably wasn't the best idea to be looking outside of himself for inside, but that this was more of an inside job.

 

He get's it. He's been to therapy and volunteeringly went to support/work groups, so he's hungry to learn about himself. This is something I can work with.

I can't count how many men I have dated who were absolutely unable to be introspective.

 

I am cautiously optimistic and don't believe for a minute that he's on the other side of it. But he checks himself (or I do) and honestly there hasn't been a lot of opportunity to challenge it lately.

 

A couple weeks ago I golfed with girlfriends, went to dinner and had a couple drinks. I pointed out to him that as much as I like that he shows interest in my day, he does tend to cross the line over into asking too many questions, where it no longer feels like a friendly exchange, but more of an inquiry.

 

I told him I have been single long enough that I don't particularly like to be accountable, though I know part of being in a relationship is being accountable - to a degree.

But seeing any of it is challenging for me and coupled with being in controlling relationships, I am uber sensitive to it.

 

I can sense when he catches himself now. There was one night I was out with my friends and I was frustrated at him and myself because as it was getting late, I was feeling anxiety because I needed to leave my friends early in order to Skype with him at a certain time that I had offered to. To me it felt like a curfew and I was so resentful by the time I called him, I took it out on him. I didn't say much but you could smell my bad attitude. I immediately felt bad because he told me that if I was having fun, that's all that mattered. Just to let him know I would speak with him the following day. I took me a few hours to readjust over something I assumed.

 

So having said all that. . which in light of everything else, there is great improvement. It's also reminder that I have things to work on too.

That I have no reason to defend myself and I tend to get pretty defensive where this subject is concerned.

[reinventmyself]

Feeling a little out of sorts last couple days. No doubt it's due to lack of sleep and just plain old long work weeks.

I need to readjust some of my time so I don't end up feeling depleted. Having a relationship takes times and often I feel like what little time I have left isn't enough to culminate my friendships. Add in the mindset that my friends assume I am otherwise occupied.

S's crazy schedule has me jumping in out of my circle of friends and obviously life goes on without me but I am having a hard time trying to strike a balance.

My friends are golfing today and asked me to take the day off of work. I had already promised to take Monday off to see S, so taking both off wasn't a great idea. Besides today I am short staffed so it wouldn't have happened anyway.

Now I have the weekend to myself and miss out on the window of opportunity for some girlfriend time and will spend the weekend alone.

This happens often lately.

 

By the end of week I am tired and I am not at my best. S wanted to Skype last night but it was getting late so a I phoned him instead. He's not much of a conversationalist on the phone or Skype for that matter and I seem to have to carry 80% of the conversations. He was disappointed that I didn't Skype and called instead. From there the conversation went dark. Long awkward silences. I desperately needed to get to bed and in turn he felt dismissed. So I stayed on the phone longer than I should have and he didn't have anything to say! I am getting annoyed and feeling like damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I need to set some firmer expectations because I can, at times compromise myself to make others happy. Ultimately no one wins. I was already sleep deprived and ended up with a whole 6 hours of sleep and tiny bit of resentment.

 

Then I feel bad when I put myself in his place. Spending a few extra minutes with him isn't much to ask for but I don't see the point of staring at each other in silence.

I am cranky, if that's not already obvious!

I miss my friends.

I don't know how to juggle it all.

There needs to be 8 days a week or I need to get by on 6 hours of sleep or less.

I might meet up with my friend and her aunt for dinner but I am so tired I might have to pass.

I know. .first world problems.

I'll stop whining now.

[reinventmyself]

I don't know where to start so I guess I'll just start typing.

I spend Sun, Mon with S and while discussing schedules and what day he'll come my way I threw out Tues (yesterday) was the only available day midweek this week.

 

S tends to be a pleaser and he agreed but kept asking questions about it. I got the sense that for merely practical reasons it wasn't a good day for him and I was perfectly ok with it and said so. Twice Monday and 4 times yesterday he came up with reasons it would not be good for 'me' to come up. Each one wasn't valid but I was sensing he was trying to get out of coming up but dressing it up as several different favors to me rather than just coming right out and saying so. With every opportunity I gave him to reschedule (which made perfect sense to me) I got mixed messages. He either really wanted to come but in the same breath he would counter, afterall giving me time to go my mother, grocery store, catch up on sleep. With that he even said he could play tennis with K last night. (because he already called him too!)

 

Argh. . I wouldn't have been the least bit upset if we waited a mere 3 days to see each other on Friday instead, yet he couldn't bring himself to come right and say so.

Most of this was through text so I just called and said that he didn't need to come up, I would not take it personally but I do get a little annoyed when you continue to dress it up as a favor to me rather than coming right out and saying so. Even after I held to door for you to do so. {It just feels really passive aggressive - I didn't say that but was thinking it}

 

Now he insists on coming up anyway because it `doesn't feel right now' I told him I didn't need him to come up to appease me. After all it's a 2 hour drive to so.

No sense in either one of feeling tense over an already challenging schedule and I'll see him on Friday.

He comes up any way.

I needed to share with him how I felt and how I don't want to get into the `what's S really thinking' game because he has difficulty saying what he really wants.

I didn't really want him visiting last night under duress. That it would do neither one of us or our relationship any good.

 

So here we go. Conversations that I am familiar with. I respectfully state how I feel and in turn he shares with me that he was being considerate of my feelings and that was the only reason why he said the things he did. - very possible and I acknowledge that. But he goes on further on and manages to turn the tables where it's now about poor S.

 

We've done this dance before and all I ask for is a little empathy. I told him I understood how he might have felt and I appreciated the effort to drive my way.

I am waiting for my moment where he might have seen how I could have felt the way I did, but instead I was wrong and he was the victim. He even used the word injured and started with bringing up past issue to support his cause. I am assuring him he did nothing wrong and didn't need to apologize. It's not about right or wrong it's just taking one small moment and trying to see my side. He didn't need to agree with it, but could have cared that I felt the way I did. After an hour of this that's going no where.

At this point I am done.

If I have learned anything it's when someone tells you how they feel, you don't need to agree or take responsibility for it. It's certainly not a good idea to defend it make them feel wrong for having brought it something that was important to them in the first place.

 

I gave him a scenario, had the tables been turned and he shared that with me, I might have hugged him and said I could see by his standpoint how it might have felt that way, I am sorry he felt bad and there was no where I would rather be than here with you and hugged him. Bam. .that's it, moment over.

 

But what ensued was an hour of volleying nonsense where his is imitated me, mind reading, discounted my feelings and telling me he felt injured. I spent an hour trying to teach someone to meaning of empathy. Silly, I know

 

My son came home in the middle of it so we left and had awkward quiet dinner.

During dinner he says straight to my face `I don't think we bring out the best in each other'

I sat quietly, processing what he's said and I responded maybe 10 minutes later `that's a pretty bold statement' `So can you sum up the entire last six months as not bringing out the best in each other?' (this is our 3rd disagreement and in the scheme of things it super minor but the nonscensical derailment tends to be just like this one.)

 

So when asked to clarify - Him "We do pretty good at being playmates, but when the rubber meets the road and it matters most we don't bring out the best in each other'

I am speechless. . again trying to process this. A few minutes later I tell him, `I have no where to go with that' He asks` what do you mean?' I repeated what he said and said I'm feeling a really confused raw at the moment, but to hear you sum it up like that, there is no where left to go from here for me"

 

We get back to my house, he start to walks me to my door with out having retrieved the bags from his car. `Are you driving home?' I ask `what do you want me to do?'

I repeat that if a man can tell me that statement to my face it doesn't sound like a challenge but very much an ending.

He begins to back pedal and deny that's what he `exactly said' or exactly meant and at this point he is flailing all over the place and treating me like I am unreasonable or better yet, I have hearing problems. With that he said `you need to have some empathy for me'

 

I said good night and walked in my house alone.

 

I am stunned, anxious and saddened. This scenario of the lack of empathy and flipping the script has happened most of my life with men.

Is it me or them?

[notalady]

I don't think his statement is entirely wrong, you are good as playmates but don't do well when "rubber meets the road". Maybe it's your dynamic or maybe he has issues with not being able to empathise, but it's not entirely wrong to say you don't bring out the best in each other. Him being him makes you upset and you being you makes him upset.

 

I would've interpreted that statement he made as an ending as well, like he thinks this isn't going to work.

 

To the point of him being indirect, my ex C was like that, always trying to make it seem like what he's doing is in my favour or he's being considerate of me when he's trying to "sell" me an idea, when in fact it's just he wants to do it and there was no need for this as he could've just said what he wanted to do and I would've been fine with it. It annoyed me to no end because I'm a direct person and I need to deal with someone pretty straightforward themselves. But I didn't once point out my ex's hypocrisy, I simply responded with "I don't mind either way" to let him know he's not doing me any favours. I figured that's just how he handles things and made a mental note of it. We did have many small (very small!) conflicts and it'd evolve into a big talk for an hour or two. We'd make up in the end but the day's ruined, and the whole thing is exhausting.

 

I think this is just what happens when two people don't gel well, even small conflicts seem difficult to resolve and communicate.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with NAL's first paragraph. I think your brains are different and that you think, perceive, process, and feel things very differently. So I can see his point about that not being a big deal when you guys are having fun but communication breaks down when there's any perception of slight or if there's a conflict.

 

Just for me, I sort of don't get why that conversation dragged on for so long. For one, I don't (and still don't) text much. Also, if I suspect wishy washyness I would be direct. Like ... you have brought up three good reasons why we might not want to meet on Friday so I propose we make a definite decision on this call to meet another day. You choose the day.

 

If the wishy washy continues I just say that's fine, if I don't hear from you by xyz I'll make other plans this weekend. If he argues that I don't want to spend time with him, I say I would love to and tell me when .... and end the call.

 

I have dated wishy washy guys before and the less I actually spoke the better because talks were about setting up dates.

 

But I am not sure wishy washy is the only issue here. Again, just the way I think but it doesn't seem worth it to go around in circles for so long just to get him to acknowledge your feelings when you kinda know that isn't really the way he thinks.

[reinventmyself]

edit. . ..grrrrrrr

[reinventmyself]

I agree with NAL's first paragraph. I think your brains are different and that you think, perceive, process, and feel things very differently. So I can see his point about that not being a big deal when you guys are having fun but communication breaks down when there's any perception of slight or if there's a conflict.

 

Just for me, I sort of don't get why that conversation dragged on for so long. For one, I don't (and still don't) text much. Also, if I suspect wishy washyness I would be direct. Like ... you have brought up three good reasons why we might not want to meet on Friday so I propose we make a definite decision on this call to meet another day. You choose the day.

 

If the wishy washy continues I just say that's fine, if I don't hear from you by xyz I'll make other plans this weekend. If he argues that I don't want to spend time with him, I say I would love to and tell me when .... and end the call.

 

I have dated wishy washy guys before and the less I actually spoke the better because talks were about setting up dates.

 

But I am not sure wishy washy is the only issue here. Again, just the way I think but it doesn't seem worth it to go around in circles for so long just to get him to acknowledge your feelings when you kinda know that isn't really the way he thinks.

 

It was a given we would see each other on Friday so if he wasn't up to driving up on Tuesday I totally understood.

 

I was with him Sun/Mon afterall. Though it seemed difficult for him to say so himself, but more comfortable if he prompted me to un invite him. Much like NL I tend to be a little more direct and prefer those close to me to be the same. It feels manipulative when someone baits me for a desired response that they can't easily say themselves.

I am not a good mind reader nor do I want to be.

I am guilty of letting go on longer than necessary because it's residual of my past struggles married to an unempathetic man who turned the tables on me every chance he got. It's hard to sit in the middle of someone trying to make you take the blame for the very thing you were unhappy about. . and then they pull the victim card.

 

I am confused about the `we don't bring out the best in each other' statement, because for me that's what you say to someone when things aren't working out.

I pretty much told him so in the moment. Not confused why he said but his behavior afterwords.

When we got back to my house I assumed he would drive home yet he seemed confused as to why I was bothered by the statement. Even though I asked him to clarify it in the moment he now, if front of my house was back peddling saying it was `just a thought' and maybe a possibly good discussion. And why can't I be more empathic to him? Huh?!

 

By then I was exhausted by the mixed, push/pull comments that didn't go anywhere but in more confusing circles.

And no. .the texting was initially very brief. Everything that followed was in person.

[saluk]

I kind of feel that the time to discuss that you don't want him to visit under duress is at a later time, not right after he has made the impulsive decision to drive out there. To me it seems like you made a sizable hill (I can't quite call the communication issues a molehill so there's that) into a mountain, right after he had done at least what he knew how to do in attempting to deflate it. If it had been me, and I certainly have been known to be indecisive and a bit passive aggressive as well, but when I finally do make a decision I like to commit to it and not be put down for making the wrong one. At least give me some props for making one lol. Especially when the "wrong" decision is to make some time to be with the person I care about.

 

But I can see it from your viewpoint as well. It sounds like a communication pattern that is coming up far too often, with you trying to be clear and direct, and him trying too hard to please. It's a pattern that he is feeling the ill effects of as well. He didn't say anything you haven't basically been bringing up here.

[reinventmyself]

I kind of feel that the time to discuss that you don't want him to visit under duress is at a later time, not right after he has made the impulsive decision to drive out there. To me it seems like you made a sizable hill (I can't quite call the communication issues a molehill so there's that) into a mountain, right after he had done at least what he knew how to do in attempting to deflate it. If it had been me, and I certainly have been known to be indecisive and a bit passive aggressive as well, but when I finally do make a decision I like to commit to it and not be put down for making the wrong one. At least give me some props for making one lol. Especially when the "wrong" decision is to make some time to be with the person I care about.

 

But I can see it from your viewpoint as well. It sounds like a communication pattern that is coming up far too often, with you trying to be clear and direct, and him trying too hard to please. It's a pattern that he is feeling the ill effects of as well. He didn't say anything you haven't basically been bringing up here.

 

I asked him not to come up before. . .for all the right reasons. I didn't want him to come up to appease me and considering the challenges about the distance, it wouldn't serve this relationship well at all if someone drove 2 hours just to make a point. It's a recipe for resentment.

 

I get what you are saying. He made the effort and deserved the credit. I only wanted to address the indirectness he goes about what he is after. It puts me into the position of playing `what's S really thinking??' game.

 

I am serious when I say only want someone to come up who is realllly wanting to be there. It originally began as practical reasons and turned into personal reasons.

 

Funny. I used the word 'duress' and he laughed. He thought it was a little dramatic.

[Ms Darcy]

Much like NL I tend to be a little more direct and prefer those close to me to be the same. It feels manipulative when someone baits me for a desired response that they can't easily say themselves.

I am not a good mind reader nor do I want to be.

 

It sounds like this is who he is and how he thinks. This is what I meant by the comments about how you two "think, perceive, process, and feel" very differently. Square peg, round hole. And it seems like you have two very different perspectives and hold fast to your respective corners.

 

I think he was thinking out loud when he said you don't bring out the best in each other. While I don't think he was ready to break up, I think he has some doubts about if there is a future with you. That's just the vibe I got from that.

 

Thanks for clarifying that it wasn't mostly over text. I wasn't sure how long the text convo lasted before transitioning.

[reinventmyself]

It sounds like this is who he is and how he thinks. This is what I meant by the comments about how you two "think, perceive, process, and feel" very differently. And it seems like you have two very different perspectives and hold fast to your respective corners.

 

I think he was thinking out loud when he said you don't bring out the best in each other. While I don't think he was ready to break up, I think he has some doubts about if there is a future with you. That's just the vibe I got from that.

 

Thanks for clarifying that it wasn't mostly over text. I wasn't sure how long the text convo lasted before transitioning.

 

Thx for your response Ms. Darcy.

The original texts were in the morning when he insisted I was too tired, needed to see my mother and needed to the grocery store, etc

At the moment things got weird I called him instead.

 

Yes. . we do think differently and it is sad that two people who want the same thing can not hear each other. It's frustrating actually.

We are supposed to talk tonight. . I don't know what to expect.

 

I don't want to give up at the same time I know what I need in a relationship . . and I need someone who can hear me. (not the same as agree with me)

It's not even a choice anymore. It's the just the way it works. I can only imagine he would say the same.

[notalady]

Yes I think being able to hear and get each other is crucial in a relationship, you don't have to agree but you need to get the other person's point of view. I think that's just not happening here. He probably feels like you're not getting him either, I think because you have different communication styles, ways of thinking and doing things etc. Square peg, round hole...

 

I think if you want to stay together, you're gonna have to learn to let things go rather than bringing up these kind of issues which then evolve into mega long relationship talks. You know I found if this is the way someone is wired, no amount of talking is going to change that and talking about it will only lead to more conflict.