Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

It's the distance that makes this challenging. If we make the trip to see each other it makes sense that we make the most of the time, hence the weekends.

Weeknights are especially challenging for me because I commute to work which translates into 11hr days.

He'll make the trip to my home tonight. .probably 2 hrs in traffic, just in time to say good night to me.

 

I appreciate he makes the effort. It's very generous when compared to the actual face time he'll get from me tonight.

 

Add in that as much as I want to push back I also am the one who told him I know how to navigate LDR's and I have to put in the effort as well.

Then - add in starting in March, he'll be working 5 weekends in a row and for the remainder of the year he'll be gone a lot and I'll have a lot of free time on my hands. . Maybe too much.

 

I also sense he threw in the midweek because in light of our disagreement he's feeling a little insecure and has mentioned he's noticed me being a little closed off.

[WithLove]

The way your heart is not to pull you closer to his.

[reinventmyself]

The way your heart is not to pull you closer to his.

 

for sure! . . .

[browneyedgirl36]

Maybe you're having too many 3 day weekends. Maybe seeing each other once or twice a week instead would be better for you.

 

Agree. You've only been seeing him for three months -- maybe 3-day weekends are too much at this stage? I am like you -- I need a lot of space, and if someone is wanting too much togetherness, too early on, I freak out a little. My current boyfriend and I fit well in that regard. He has two children, of whom he has 50% custody, so he has them a lot. When we first met, and I hadn't met them yet, we could only schedule time when they weren't around. Thus, we were able to ease into seeing each other more frequently. We had our first "overnight" at about 5 or 6 months in (which I know seems a slow pace for a lot of people, but it was perfect for us), and our first full weekend together at about 9 months in (again, slow pace, but perfect for both of us). Our first full-on vacation (about 10 days) will take place this summer, nearly 18 months in. The thing is, this works for both of us -- we've discussed it and agreed it does -- but it only works if BOTH people want it, so if S is wanting more, and you're wanting less, that's definitely an incompatibility.

 

As for the "honeymoon high," it seems a bit early for that to have worn off already. I still have it, after a year. I realize my situation isn't everyone's, but I think if you really felt compatible with S, and felt really content with him, it wouldn't have worn off this soon. I'm stunned at the number of posters who report having arguments -- sometimes really big ones -- after only a few months of dating. I don't feel I even know someone well enough to argue at that point!

 

The bottom line: Yes, this COULD be part of a pattern for you -- one of retreating when things get TOO intense, and I applaud you for really thinking about that and considering it as a possiblity -- but... also consider the possibility that you may just feel incompatible with S (and with others with whom you've had this same issue), and that maybe your concern about diving in headfirst to spending a lot of time together is your reaction to red flags, rather than a problem you have with commitment and availability. I once had a therapist tell me, after she had heard all about my off/on ex, that I should consider the possibility that I am emotionally unavailable. I really took it to heart, and even read a bunch of stuff that "confirmed" for me that I indeed was "emotionally unavailable." I got really sucked into that idea, and I actually became anxious over it for awhile. The thing is, I am VERY available -- emotionally and otherwise -- in my current relationship, and I know why: It's because this guy feels RIGHT to me; we're compatible in every important way. I can be TOTALLY myself around him, and he around me. We can talk about anything -- even embarrassing or difficult stuff. I trust him. He trusts me. I don't live in fear of him disappearing on me, and he feels the same (we just had this conversation the other night). SO....I can conclude that, while I DID have issues that led me to choose to engage with my ex for far too long -- and with a few other guys in my past that I should have dropped like a sack of rocks from the get-go -- I think it was more about self-esteem and loneliness than emotional unavailability. My "pattern" of choosing the wrong guy was more about how I viewed myself at the time than it was about some fundamental unavailability of mine.

 

Anyway...my take is that the red flags are waving for you, and that's why you're backing off. The argument you had last weekend just cemented your doubts, I think. If you need to give it more time, definitely do so, but...don't give it too much time if it's not getting any better. Life's too short to be stuck in relationships that don't enhance our lives.

[Ms Darcy]

Agree. You've only been seeing him for three months -- maybe 3-day weekends are too much at this stage?

 

As for the "honeymoon high," it seems a bit early for that to have worn off already.

 

The bottom line: Yes, this COULD be part of a pattern for you -- one of retreating when things get TOO intense, and I applaud you for really thinking about that and considering it as a possiblity -- but... also consider the possibility that you may just feel incompatible with S (and with others with whom you've had this same issue), and that maybe your concern about diving in headfirst to spending a lot of time together is your reaction to red flags, rather than a problem you have with commitment and availability.

 

I strongly agree with these three points.

[Silverbirch]

Here I go.

Boy, this is such a pattern for me.

S wants to come over tonight. He also wants me to come to his home Friday night thru Sunday, coming back to my home on with him on Sunday.

This is what I signed up for, right?

I am already feeling like I want to back out or slow down or put upon.

I love the beginning of a relationship, the honeymoon and high. This is not easy to admit. But now, especially after a disagreement and the honeymoon high is broken I feel myself back peddling.

I am that text book push/pull person that people get really frustrated with.

All these years of me wondering what was wrong with my partners. .ok, they had their `stuff' but this is mine.

I keep thinking `If I met the right guy, then. . ."

It dictates my choices in partners and I am predisposed for the same outcome. .

frustrating. . and too late to change. . and not for the lack of trying.

 

I can so identify this. . . This morning I feel like Holly Golliath (Breakfast at Tiffanys). I've realised why I am like this . . . But also that it really is okay to have a life that does not involve intimate relationships. I can understand your feeling of suffocation and entrapment.

[reinventmyself]

thanks all. . .much to think about, again.

[reinventmyself]

I was supposed to go to S's tonight. We had discussed a couple options including me taking the train or just driving up later.

But I hit the wall on Friday's and it's just too much for me to try to be everywhere for everybody at once. I have to say no to some things.

So I said no to tonight. Instead I will drive up tomorrow.

Besides he plays in a tennis tournament tomorrow.. It was nice for him to offer that he signed me up for a massage while he played tennis but honestly that

time is better spent on my own. Not me hauling off after a long work week, just to get there late and have him join his friends in the morning. He also knows that instead I will be meeting my friends tonight, locally.

 

The more I though of it. . it clearly didn't make sense for me to go.

Funny how I feel a little fearful when I say no to seeing him.

Sad actually because I have been in relationships that were punishing over such things.

And clearly not fair to S that I can still go there in my head and have these kind of reactions when it comes to taking care of myself.

 

I think I am so past that but that ghost creeps up every once in while.

This little anxiety I get when I might disappoint him and the repercussions for having done so.

Logically I know better. . 'Bring it on and give it your best shot'

I am not that young woman any more.

[reinventmyself]

We had a good weekend and S handled my change of plans gracefully.

 

I can see how my past can set up the dynamic I don't want. That I can play into some ones insecurity and overcompensate so much that I set myself up for being worked over when I set limits. Rather than just doing it and having the confidence to stand behind it.

Any way. . a good weekend.

 

Again I changed plans on him. He wanted to come up tonight but I need to be at his house Thurs night as we are leaving Friday for a 4 day trip, only to return for 2 days and leave again for another 3 day trip.

I feel I am so behind in my personal business, laundry, groceries and just some me time, that and I don't know when I'll get the chance to even pack!

Again he handled it well and realized I was feeling a little stressed over everything I need to take care of in the next 72 hours.

Add in I need 4 performance reviews completed in two days and here I am dinking away on line. .again.

 

This last weekend we were careful to not over plan and rather hung out on Sunday, just the two of us watching super bowl and cooking meals.

 

As much as I waffle. . this is good and getting better. Not perfect, but nothing is. But pretty darn good.

Well see what 8 days collectively will bring.

[WithLove]

Glad to see he is understanding your needs and being receptive to them. It's also important that you're able to recognize past patterns and are working to break them.

 

It's a pretty good feeling, right?

[WithLove]

How's it going, Reinvent

[reinventmyself]

How's it going, Reinvent

Just got back from a 4 day road trip.

This is such a beta test for me.

 

I was having flash backs of a trip I went on with an ex. Mid week we barely spoke to each other, sat in different rows on the plan trip home and didn't talk for 10 days after.

I'm driving to his house prior to leaving on our trip recalling this experience and I'm trying to squash it and push it back.

Suffice to say the trip was great.

The best part is we spent the first couple days with his sister and brother in law and the second half with is older brother and his family.

This, as well us traveling together went really well.

His family filled in those questions and missing pieces that are typical at this point in our relationship.

S comes from.a family of 7 kids. He's the second oldest and clearly, if not the favorite but one of the most. He's even keeled and generous. I watched as he and his older brother got in a lively political debate and as his brother escalated S remained respectful and composed.

His sis in law (who was pretty shrewd) pulled me aside to tell me what a good guy S is.

My luck is I typically date the black sheep in the family so seeing all this thrilled me.

I see alot of my fears have been things I've projected on him in those spaces in between, but now with most of them closed there isn't room for it. It's still early in the scheme of things, but I'm happy where this is going.

We leave for a ski trip on Thurs for 4 another days.

Tired but happy.

[notalady]

Glad to hear you had a great time reinvent!

[saluk]

That sounds really great. It is true you can learn a lot about someone by how their family thinks of them. But of course they are biased. Sometimes the "black sheep" in a family is actually the good one... they come in all types But it sounds like they were a pretty good bunch.

[reinventmyself]

Had a great trip. .two trips in 9 days and all went well. . until the very end.

I am still trying to sort it out so I am reluctant to spell it out here. We are all pretty quick to say "hang 'em high!" and I don't want it to further confuse myself.

 

But what I come across more than often then not is my partner is threatened when there is a difference.

 

Being respectful of someone's different view is important to me and when someone respects that, I feel heard and understood.

I don't need to win. . I don't need anyone to agree with me, but what I do need is someone to be empathetic and try to understand what it means . .to me. What ever that may be.

 

I can do that for you. . and it doesn't threaten me or take anything away from me.

I just can't seem to get in return . .

 

And please, please don't flip the script on me and make it all about you either because I will shut down and stop sharing all together. Instead I will stuff it all and become resentful and ultimately I will leave.

Uhg . .

 

Sometimes I think what I am asking for is impossible. Maybe I am going about it all wrong.

[faraday]

it's not always easy when you're still figuring each other out. Sometimes it takes time to learn how to disagree...to have different view points.

[reinventmyself]

it's not always easy when you're still figuring each other out. Sometimes it takes time to learn how to disagree...to have different view points.

 

Thanks faraday. .

That comment helps ;}

[saluk]

For some people, their viewpoints aren't just abstract things but strongly connected to how they see themselves. If you challenge that viewpoint, it's not just attacking the abstract thing, it's feels to them like you are attacking them personally. I've grown up with these kind of people (my sister and my dad) and it's really not the worst thing once you learn that it's how they function. We've learned how to disagree with each other but it hasn't always been easy.

 

That this happened after you spent quite a lot of time together may just mean you were both a little tired and needed some alone time.

[reinventmyself]

I don't even know where to start.

But at the end of 4 months you really begin to see people for who they are and the very things they were trying to hide are no longer under wraps.

Again, I don't want to say too much. I am really raw right now and trying to sort things out.

All I know is I am frustrated, confused and torn.

 

What I suspect is really becoming true. That dating at this age is close to impossible.

Collective years of baggage follow you everywhere you go.

 

OK. . I've come this far. .So I'll spill it. S has been slowly unfolding his apparent jealously issues.

This is a non negotiable deal breaker for me. This is the disagreement I alluded to earlier

He totally owns it. It is his problem. He says he's working on it but I am on the road to checking out already.

 

Why is it always `something' ??

The good thing is I will see S next weekend. He has theatre (play) tix that he bought around the holidays.

After that he works out of town the following 6 weekends in a row.

 

I am counting on this being a test of sorts, seeing what flushes up while we are apart.

He knows I am social and I am not a homebody.

 

I find myself practicing detaching. . .once again.

[faraday]

The jealousy thing...is so hard to be in a relationship with. I totally get it. And I'm sorry hopefully the next few weeks will give you a good indication as to more of how he reacts.

[reinventmyself]

The jealousy thing...is so hard to be in a relationship with. I totally get it. And I'm sorry hopefully the next few weeks will give you a good indication as to more of how he reacts.

 

It's not garden variety jealousy either. . it's rather irrational and childish. IMO

[saluk]

I don't know. It's true everyone has baggage. But is this the kind of baggage that will ease over time and that you can live with? Hard questions.

 

There is always hope.

[reinventmyself]

I don't know. It's true everyone has baggage. But is this the kind of baggage that will ease over time and that you can live with? Hard questions.

 

There is always hope.

Well .. that's what he is saying.

 

He is one of those who don't believe men and women can be friends and nothing else. I happen to have men friends.

That isn't going to change.

 

I introduced him to a coworker once who just happened to say `hi sweetie' So innocuous to me, but not to S.

I could go on.

 

S believes with time and exposure to it and awareness he'll be better. I'd naively like to think so.

But my baggage and hot button in all of this is I have a history of controlling men and I have left for lessor reasons.

It's hard to stand still and stay in the game and try to be positive.

 

Besides . .I can bet my paycheck I am not the first woman he's been this way with.

Wishing it away seems rather naive as well

It's an instant attraction killer for me . .

[reinventmyself]

He has also told me how he's felt about some of these things.

I am ok with him telling me he is struggling with something but it ultimately has taken a turn where I end up having to defend myself.

When I feel that it's going there and he's pushed the topic too far and I am catching myself overexplaining, I get offended and feel as if he's challenging my integrity.

[notalady]

He has also told me how he's felt about some of these things.

I am ok with him telling me he is struggling with something but it ultimately has taken a turn where I end up having to defend myself.

When I feel that it's going there and he's pushed the topic too far and I am catching myself overexplaining, I get offended and feel as if he's challenging my integrity.

 

I'm so sorry to hear this reinvent. This reminds me of his issue with his friend greeting you with a kiss and he expected you to apologise for it, now it sounds consistent with his jealousy issue. It's good that he recognised he has an issue, but not good enough that he still makes you explain yourself over his baseless suspicions because of his own issues. If he said "sorry I feel jealous over nothing, let me deal with it alone", that would be him making an attempt to improve. I don't see that happening here.

 

If you feel it's a deal breaker, and I would agree it is one for me, you're better off making a decision sooner rather than later.