Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

I've been getting a couple emails a day and one satellite phone call. His messages are sweet and endearing.

Today he tells me he bought tickets to a musical for us to go to in March.

How's that for planning?

He comes home tomorrow and I'll see him Tuesday.

So far so good

 

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[notalady]

Seems a bit far ahead in proportion to the amount of time you've been dating. I'm always a bit conscious of not planning ahead for periods longer than the length of the relationship, or at least not more than a month but that's just me. Sounds like it's all going well

[reinventmyself]

Oh, I agree!

I'm careful not to mention future events early on. It can seem presumptuos.

We had been talking about plays and he wanted to see this play. Either way the tix are his and he honestly tried to get seats for January.

I'm not reading too much into it but at the same time it's nice to see him looking ahead given our recent bump in the road

 

 

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[reinventmyself]

S stayed the night last night.

I am often concerned that this may not be enough for him. He drove 90 minutes due to traffic. He did get to visit with a friend who lives in my area before I got home, so that was a bonus.

 

By the time I get home all harried from my 90 minute commute we have a couple hours to eat, fool around and it's time to sleep! He's used to staying up late and me, 9:30, lights out.

 

I am out the door at 6:45 and he's barely awake getting in his own car to head home. Actually he'll eat breakfast first at the corner coffee shop. He say's he'll become the regular there. This is what our mid week drill will look like.

It's almost more work than what it's worth. For now, I get it, it's new and fun. But how about 4 mo's from now?

 

Add in he gets the neighbor girl to house sit overnight to watch his dogs. Geez. Too many logistics.

He travels sooo much that prior to meeting me he was considering giving up his two small dogs to a shelter. My stomach feels sick with the thought that I may be part of the catalyst to him doing so. They were actually a by product of his last relationship.

He honestly wanted her to take them but her new living arrangements wont allow it. He has no business having dogs.

 

He visited the second shelter yesterday. It's all a little too much or it's me looking for problems again as a preemptive strike.

I have to remind myself he'd be giving up with dogs with our without me. It still makes me emotional.

 

He'll only be home for a combined 5 days between now and the end of the month. I swear the dog sitter lives at his house more than he does. Honestly.

 

Just venting. . This is just my mind spinning after a good night and feeling myself getting attached and looking for exits.

I'll see him this weekend for another holiday party and then take him to the airport on Sunday.

 

I saw that little nervous side of him last night again. . laughing nervously and apologizing. Hadn't seen that in a little while.

Maybe on his turf he feels more secure. My home, not so much.

[WithLove]

It's definitely going to take some time to acclimate when it comes to travelling to see each other, I think. It's one thing to do it when it's your livelihood; you really have no choice. But you have a choice as to who you date, so it'll be 100% he or you making the effort to see each other.

 

Trust me, I know where you're coming from. It does wear on you. J and I, we saw each other about once a week, sometimes a little less if cash flow wasn't so great for either of us for a short period. It doesn't sound as if long distance communication is any problem with you to at this point, so maybe you could suggest a little less time spent at each other's homes, at least for right now? It doesn't seem like you've been seeing him all that long. I might need to page back on that, though.

 

I think you like him a lot, way more than you bargained for, and you weren't prepared for that. That's what happens, Reinvent. You can be prepared for a lot of things, but finding a connection with someone sort of makes all your rules fly right out the window. Trying to go into it with a smart head is really admirable, but mostly it will just mean that you'll be holding him at arm's length. You won't let him into your heart, and in the end, you won't get what you want or need, and neither will he - and what'll be the point?

 

Re: the dogs - does he have the ability to contact his ex to see if she wants them, or is that a burned bridge? Has he tried to contact any family member at all? I know that struggle, too - I had to give up my cat earlier in the year when I moved, but luckily I was able to give her to a friend of the family, who gives me updates on her every so often. Is something like that an option for him?

[reinventmyself]

.

 

I but mostly it will just mean that you'll be holding him at arm's length. You won't let him into your heart, and in the end, you won't get what you want or need, and neither will he - and what'll be the point?

 

Re: the dogs - does he have the ability to contact his ex to see if she wants them, or is that a burned bridge? Has he tried to contact any family member at all? I know that struggle, too - I had to give up my cat earlier in the year when I moved, but luckily I was able to give her to a friend of the family, who gives me updates on her every so often. Is something like that an option for him?

 

Thank you for the `arms length' comment. You've busted me on this before and I needed it then too. It's definitely a pattern for me.

Hard to jump in with both feet . . not to mention not my style. Working on it though. Overall I think I am so much better than I was. I am living in the moment. .I think I am pretty lighthearted and playful. At least in his presence.

The minute he leaves my mind begins to spin. Trying to put the breaks on that.

 

I am very familiar with LDR even if it's an hour. It actually works for me because I don't require that much attention. But I have dated someone who was absolutely miserable about it. Of course he didn't see it that way going into it. I guess that's what scares me

 

And no . . the ex gf still lives in a not pet friendly place and his family is all in another state.

 

I think he may be giving up the dogs tomorrow. I can tell he's upset about it. They are 10 year old litter mates. Placement is probably impossible. Breaks my heart.

[WithLove]

What I meant about the arm's length comment - we all go into a new relationship with what we've learned from a prior one. We go into it hoping we've learned something, right? Hoping we won't get hurt again, at least in the same way? But by keeping that in mind, inevitably we always end up shutting our partner out in one way or another. And they usually have no idea why. And it's not their fault. I would hate for you to do that to S. You don't have to 'jump in with both feet'. But you can certainly approach it with more enthusiasm and less fear.

[reinventmyself]

What I meant about the arm's length comment - we all go into a new relationship with what we've learned from a prior one. We go into it hoping we've learned something, right? Hoping we won't get hurt again, at least in the same way? But by keeping that in mind, inevitably we always end up shutting our partner out in one way or another. And they usually have no idea why. And it's not their fault. I would hate for you to do that to S. You don't have to 'jump in with both feet'. But you can certainly approach it with more enthusiasm and less fear.

 

noted . .

[reinventmyself]

I went south Saturday to meet S and attend a 25 year tradition at his best friends house. These couples have been getting together every year for a spaghetti dinner.

I imagine they've seen S with ex wives and gf's and now I get to be sized up! They were crazy fun, gracious and I left with hugs and nods of approval. Ok . .so they were a little intoxicated, haha.

But S did get texts the following morning with approvals.

 

We did a little Christmas shopping before hand and I dropped him off at the airport the following morning.

I appreciate seeing people doing more routine daily things and seeing them in their element and with their friends.

You learn so much more about them outside of planned dates on good behavior.

S continues to be consistent, steady and I like where this is going. It's hard to believe it's going on 2 months since we started communicating and 7 weeks since we first met.

It's still very new. .but time is flying by.

 

I have a house full for Christmas eve, mostly family and I have invited S to join us.

I don't know if he realizes how much of a big deal this is for me but I am actually trying to be a little more casual about it.

He comes back in town for that one day and gone again for the remainder of the month. I can't very well not include him but it makes me a little nervous nonetheless.

My own mother is telling me to lighten up a little. The holidays are awkward times to start dating someone.

If I dig down deep enough, honestly it's a belief I have that things don't last and I don't want to make that statement of coupledom to my family only to have it fail.

Self fulfilling prophecies screaming at me.

Workin' on it.

[WithLove]

Life's short. Enjoy it!

[reinventmyself]

Came in this morning to retrieve a vm from Mark.

Doesn't matter I suppose that the Thanksgiving vm's turned an attempt to crack open closed doors, so at that time I told him no further communication, please.

It doesn't make a difference to me but I could tell it made one to him.

 

I guess leaving messages on my work vm falls into a grey area?

In keeping with today's theme on ENA. . 'no response necessary'

[reinventmyself]

Christmas was busy and HECTIC.

 

First my tree falls over and my oldest son saves me by building a new tree stand. He and his girlfriend redecorated it.

 

A few days later by upstairs bathroom leaks which translated into 3 days of both my sons ripping out a 3rd of my living room ceiling, dry walling and texturing the ceiling. All this done the day before I have a full house for a sit down dinner for 12.

 

Christmas eve while prepping food midday I cut my finger and end up calling my youngest who took me to urgent care where we sat for 2 & 1/2 hours and 4 stitches later. My sons have saved my butt 3 times in 9 days. (Can you say 'Grateful?')

 

At this point I haven't showered and expecting everyone shortly. I managed to set a land speed record dressing and pulling off the dinner. .But in the rushing around I've popped 2 to of the stitches ;[

Good grief, do I have a little bit of bad juju or what?

 

So here I sit drinking coffee with duct tape on my finger to preserve what's left and looking around at the tables and chairs and other misc things I haven't tended to. Today I am on restriction until I get it done.

 

S joined us for dinner and I warned him more than once that when I am in the zone and rushing around, he'd be pretty much on his own to assimilate into my family, of which he hadn't met before and entertain himself.

If this was test, he passed with flying colors ending the evening with him doing dishes with my youngest son.

Thumbs up of approval from family members and with that he ran off to catch a flight to spend the next 6 days with his family.

Glad Christmas is over. . Phew!

[reinventmyself]

Oh and another text from Mark today that goes unanswered. I wrestle with feeling heartless and annoyed at the same time.

I considered all sorts of thoughtful and then equally mean, petty responses but don't.

Silence feels mean but appropriate.

 

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[WithLove]

Why haven't you blocked Mark yet?

[WithLove]

Christmas sounded like a mess - but the silver lining was that S handled himself well with your family and got good reviews. That's a good sign!

[Ms Darcy]

It sounds like the Christmas you experienced is what the spirit of the season should be about - family helping each other and spending quality time together.

[reinventmyself]

Why haven't you blocked Mark yet?

 

I had unblocked him at Thanksgiving when he text me with his work phone.

I have ex's I can exchange niceties with without an issue.

I like Mark. I think he's a good guy. (just not for me) My intentions were in the right place. Silly, I know.

But ultimately I asked him to no longer contact me when he started ramping back up.

Not sure why I am surprised that he's still reaching out.

[reinventmyself]

S is with his family and is returning on Wednesday. In the meantime we chat on the phone every night and we might exchange a text or two during the day.

I really don't have a grasp on his communication style or how much contact he needs in between times we see each other. Instead I watch his pace and pick up on patterns and match his efforts.

 

Christmas afternoon I took a nap in between dashing around. We had exchanged texts earlier where he asked me to call him before I went to bed that night. My friend came over to hang out, we had some pie and I went to bed, exhausted. Apparently I did not read the text correctly. He typically initiates the night time call and I woke up a couple hours later noticing he hadn't called and assumed he was busy with family. By the time I realized that I was the one supposed to reach out, it was too late to do so!

 

I called him the next morning and everything was fine. I could tell he was a little disappointed and I totally understood how he might have felt and told him so.

We talked about communicating and expectations and he shared that he would prefer it if I initiated more and that because of the distance we ought to communicate more often. I agreed.

 

From that moment on I stepped it up and now I feel as if he's taken a step back. I am trying not to keep score (but I am) and if I initiated 4 times in a row, he did none. What??

 

We exchanged good mornings early yesterday and after that I didn't hear from him until 6pm. I am confused. I know he's busy with family and I'd really rather not bother him. After my last text I decided to step back and readjust. It felt fine the way it was before but now with him saying he needed more and then dialing back his efforts it feels awkward and confusing. I don't want to have this conversation with him in the midst of family time but might address it when he returns.

 

Or - just see if it works itself out on it's own

 

Just needed to say this out loud . . .

[WithLove]

I think maybe just wait to say anything until after the holidays. It's hard to keep a schedule for anything due to the craziness of family time.

[reinventmyself]

S and I had our evening phone chat. I am trying not to focus on this but at the same time not ignore it either.

 

As S gets more comfortable with me he is showing this negative side of him. Maybe in a bad mood last night but I've seen a little of this previously and now

I am getting concerned. Even the most routine thing he puts a negative spin on and he seems a little intolerant. Booo. Such a turn off.

 

I've busted him and teased him more than once about the pattern in which discussing friends partners, he tends to refer to each wife, ex or otherwise as crazy or psycho.

It's a little disconcerting.

 

After I hung up I text him a FB picture/quote that says "Behind every crazy b*tch is a sweet girl who just got tired of all the bullsh*t"

He laughed and shared it with his sister.

 

Part of me wants to call him out on the other negativity. The other part of me doesn't want to say anything because he will likely hide if from me.

I'd rather sit back and observe as he gets a little more comfortable and see what he's all about.

[missmarple]

How long have been dating him now? Sorry, I forget.

[reinventmyself]

How long have been dating him now? Sorry, I forget.

 

Since the beginning of November

[missmarple]

Ah, ok, it's still very early days..lots of things to learn about each other

[WithLove]

Perhaps calling them "crazy" or "psycho" is his way of keeping them as far away from him as possible. You know - he doesn't think of himself as either of those things, so he picked whatever names he could think of that were the extreme opposite, so that they have nothing to do with him. And of reassuring you that there's nothing for you to worry about?

[reinventmyself]

Perhaps calling them "crazy" or "psycho" is his way of keeping them as far away from him as possible. You know - he doesn't think of himself as either of those things, so he picked whatever names he could think of that were the extreme opposite, so that they have nothing to do with him. And of reassuring you that there's nothing for you to worry about?

 

These are his friends ex's and wives, not his. It's looking more and more like a general theme re women