Stood up... 2nd chance or not? How to read her mind

[csdude55]

This is a spin-off of my other thread, "Going out with an ex's friend", since we've gotten pretty far off topic.

 

So, this girl asks me out on a date on Thursday of last week, and we set a date for Monday. We've been talking online every day for about a month.

 

Friday, she's very flirty with me, and seems to like me a lot. She's talking about kissing, we're talking about turn-ons and turn-offs, etc.

 

Saturday, she's pretty cool towards me, and not really friendly.

 

Sunday, she hardly talks to me at all. I ask her if she's feeling OK, and she doesn't reply, but I see that's she's posting on her FB page.

 

Monday morning, I send a second message:

 

Do you still want to go out with me tonight? I hope so, I've been looking forward to it

 

Again, no reply, but she's been posting on FB all day.

 

So, 9pm comes around without a reply, and my feelings are pretty hurt. So I send her a message letting her know that she's really hurt my feelings. Here's the conversation, minus a little bit of private info in the beginning:

 

Me: ...you stood me up, without any explanation or anything. That really, really hurt my feelings. I was really excited to spend time with you, and now I feel like an idiot because you obviously didn't feel the same way.

 

I don't know what I did to make you stop liking me. But if you don't like me anymore, I wish you would just say that instead of letting me get my hopes up.

 

Her: Wait don't think that

 

Is just that I have been having fever and it comes an goes sorry I never meant to hurt u

 

Me: Of course it hurt my feelings. You've been posting on FB all day, and hardly talked to me at all over the weekend. You could have just told me you didn't feel good, and I would have understood.

 

I'm just sensitive right now. I spent all day getting ready to go out with you, I even drove all over 3 counties trying to find strawberries and chocolate for us So it really made me sad when you didn't seem interested anymore

 

Her:

 

Me: Just be honest with me, OK? Do you still like me? Do you still want to go out with me?

 

Her: Y u ask

 

Me: I really, really like you. But if you don't like me like that, then I don't want to make a fool out of myself

 

(Note that she told me last week that her favorite thing was strawberries and chocolate; thus, my comment that I had driven around trying to find some)

 

That last message was sent over an hour ago, and she hasn't replied. But at least she hasn't posted on her FB page, either.

 

This is one of the most confusing situations I've had in awhile, though. She asked ME out, not once, but twice! The first time, I told her that I wasn't really ready to date because I'd just had a painful break-up, but she pursued me. So being stood up in the first place is very confusing.

 

The fever thing sounds like total BS to me. This morning, she made a post about going to work ("Time 4 work - Happy Monday Evry1 - have a bless Day"), and she's shared 15 videos and pictures today, so it's not like she was so sick that she couldn't find the strength to send me a message and let me know she can't go.

 

Further, after I sent the first message, she replied 3 minutes later, so it's not like she wasn't online.

 

Then, the last comment, "Y u ask", couldn't be more confusing. I think it's pretty obvious why I'm asking, isn't it? She stood me up on a date without any explanation, and her replies haven't exactly been clear whether she's still in to me or not. Am I wrong in thinking that, if she was still interested, then she would have replied with a definite "yes" of some sort, instead of a non-committal question?

 

Finally... I sent my last message 8 minutes after she said "Y u ask", and it has now been an hour and 20 minutes. Unless she's medicated or something, I would think that if she liked me then she would have been waiting for my reply pretty impatiently.

 

Help me out here, guys, what's a guy to do with this? She really is a great catch, and like I said before, we've talked every day for a month now and really seem to connect. I would like to see if there's more here than just friendship, and I thought she was the same way, but now... I don't know. That was so dodgy that I don't know what to think.

 

Is she trying to play some kind of childish game with me? I'm way to old for that, and it would be a huge turn-off if she is.

[notalady]

Not confusing at all, she comes accross as uninterested. She said y u ask because she didn't want to answer your question. The answer is pretty clear though, she's not interested and feeding you excuses.

 

Also you come off as needy and clingy by over explaining and saying how hurt you are and how much you looked forward to seeing her, I would recommend against doing that in the future.

[ParisPaulette]

Well, here's the thing. Regardless, if she's well enough to have been posting on Facebook then she's well enough to have picked up the phone, called you and said, "I'm sick, can we reschedule?" Instead of ignoring you completely until you basically said you were walking at which time she sort of gave you enough to leave you dangling and not much else.

 

My take? There is someone else in the picture and her earlier enthusiasm for you has cooled, but she wants to keep you as Option B if things don't work out. Either that or she's unbelievably rude and completely clueless about just basic manners. Neither of these is a reason to keep pursuing this dead end. I would delete and block her. Sorry, I know sometimes it looks like something good, but then they display a major red flag or three and if you ignore that you'll find out you shouldn't have.

 

Personally, I never had any good come out of dating someone who stood me up with little to no explanation--and no real remorse over it.

[Ms Darcy]

I am guessing she's interested in another guy and, I'm guessing, he unlike you probably hasn't dated her cousin.

[milly007]

I wouldn't pursue her anymore, OP. She knows how you feel, so I would step back if I were you and see if she reciprocates. Seems like you're doing all the work. If she doesn't reciprocate, consider it done and move on.

[csdude55]

Also you come off as needy and clingy by over explaining and saying how hurt you are and how much you looked forward to seeing her, I would recommend against doing that in the future.

 

Point taken, and thanks. I'm generally an open and somewhat emotional person, so I do tend to express my emotions pretty liberally. I guess that, in my mind, the "right" girl is going to find that to be an endearing quality.

 

That perception does explain some things, though.

[csdude55]

Thanks, all for the comments. I think you're right. I don't know how she found another guy between Friday night and Saturday morning, but if the alternative is that she's rude and inconsiderate then she's not who I thought she was, anyway.

[Capricorn3]

She doesn't sound very interested at all and you come accross as far too emotional, desperate and needy - none of which will score you a healthy, successful relationship. I would suggest you remain single for a good long while and get yoursef sortd out, rather than jump from one relationship to another in such quick succession. Also, (as some others have suggested in your other threads) maybe therapy would be a good idea to help you get through your issues.

[Hollyj]

All you need to know, is that she blew you off.

[snf23]

A very similar situation happened to me less than a week ago. I met a guy at a bar and he got my number. I wasn't sure if he was ready to date but he begged me to give him a chance and we went out on a very good (surprisingly good) date. Afterwards, he was texting and calling everyday, set up a date with me and completely stood me up. When I finally reached him (the next day... I was so mad at this point), he said he was sick and slept all day and begged me to give him another chance, he would "make it up to me" blah blah. Against better judgement, I did. We made plans and the night before I texted him asking when and what time to meet him... Never heard from him again.

 

Point is, he obviously found someone else, wasn't interested, or was a complete selfish jerk. I wish I hadn't given him a second chance, and you shouldn't give this girl one either. You know her excuses are BS and you also know you deserve better. She may be a catch, but she's not your catch. This guy wasn't worth my time, anxiety, or anger, and she's not worth yours. Move on, otherwise she will think you're her doormat and she can have you at her leisure.

[TheD87]

I've had this problem with a girl I really liked before, trust me it gets worse not better. I dealt with it for a year. Don't be a sucker like I am, cut it off now.

[notalady]

Point taken, and thanks. I'm generally an open and somewhat emotional person, so I do tend to express my emotions pretty liberally. I guess that, in my mind, the "right" girl is going to find that to be an endearing quality.

 

That perception does explain some things, though.

 

I can understand why you might think that, but I can assure you it's not endearing. Best case scenario, the 'right' girl may not be put off by it, worse case scenario is, she is. I would recommend you reflect on your approach for the future.

[missmarple]

She's rude and selfish and I don't know why you're even considering a second chance. I would have already deleted and blocked her name...don't waste your time on people who don't appreciate you.

[csdude55]

I would suggest you remain single for a good long while and get yoursef sortd out, rather than jump from one relationship to another in such quick succession. Also, (as some others have suggested in your other threads) maybe therapy would be a good idea to help you get through your issues.

 

FWIW, I wasn't looking for a relationship at all, but I'm trying not to harden my heart against it, either. As a romantic, I hate the idea of missing out on my soul mate just because I'm in a funk.

 

Also, I live in a fairly small town, so therapy in the sense that you're thinking isn't really a viable option. Here, the only therapy I'm going to find is a Southern Baptist church, ran by the guy that's a preacher on Sunday, delivers my mail through the week, and smells like gin but swears it's Old Spice. That doesn't exactly inspire me with confidence in his ability to guide me.

 

 

I can understand why you might think that, but I can assure you it's not endearing. Best case scenario, the 'right' girl may not be put off by it, worse case scenario is, she is. I would recommend you reflect on your approach for the future.

 

Just out of curiosity, how would you recommend I had handled it? Keeping in mind that she and I have been talking every day for a month, and she helped me through a rather nasty emotional period, so (IMO) deleting her without giving her a chance to explain herself would have been precipitous.

 

 

She's rude and selfish and I don't know why you're even considering a second chance. I would have already deleted and blocked her name...don't waste your time on people who don't appreciate you.

 

Only because of the history that I mentioned above to notalady. The fact that she had pursued me for a few weeks only to stand me up didn't seem rational, and then her first comment of "wait don't think that" made me think that maybe she was being sincere and actually felt bad. I tend to let my heart override my head, though, which is why I turned here for a little unbiased advice before jumping the gun.

 

You guys are right, though. I'm bowing out of this one with what little dignity I have left.

[notalady]

This one made me laugh

 

I don't think you need therapy, honestly I think it's being recommended on here way more than it should. If you don't have some kind of emotional dysfunction or traumatic past, you don't need therapy.

 

As for how you could have handle it differently, personally I would simply ask her what happened to our plan to meet? See what she says. She may have a legitimate reason (eg got hit by a car, lost her phone, whatever). Don't go spilling your feelings all over her, because if she had a legitimate reason, you're going to come accross as self centred, clingy, needy, not understanding. Imagine if she did get hit by a car, and here you are going on about how much she hurt your feelings, I mean really? I would dump you even if I was interested. On the contrary, if she wasn't interested and was just being rude, nothing you say will make her feel differently, maybe not even sympathy, so why do it? There's no upside. What you did really just made yourself vulnerable to being hurt more, by someone who already proved herself unreliable, and pretty much handing over your dignity on a silver plate, which she can feel free to use to wipe her shoes. Not a good feeling.

 

In the event that she is being rude and give you some bs reason, as is the case here, I would simply say, really? It must be bad since you couldn't even muster the strength to send a simple text to say you can't make it to our date. Either way thanks for letting me know, hope you feel better. Good luck with life. Then delete her number and never talk to her again.

 

Others may take the high road and not contact her at all, simply delete and move on.

 

And what's more important is you need to learn how to read people and identify 'red flags', this is a red flag, she didn't treat you with the basic respect that one person owes to another, not even in a dating context, just in general. You don't want someone like that and you need to know that. You need to think about what is and isn't acceptable behaviour and set boundaries (ie if someone breach your boundaries, you don't give them at another chance).

[Tinydance]

Well I think she is rude and maybe playing games. I've known people before who just want to see if they can "get someone" and pursue them endlessly, then once the other person is hooked, they lose interest and move on to someone else. I think it could be possible she just wanted to flatter her ego and asked you out twice to see of you'd say "Yes", which you did. It does seem quite odd that once you accepted the date, she just totally lost interest in a very short period of time. The only other possible explanation I can think of is she's extremely anxious about the date and that's why she was acting weird. Though somehow I think the explanation that she's not interested is more plausible. You even asked her to give you an honest answer of any sort and all she said was "Y u ask that" and then ignored you. That is not an answer! You have tried to be polite and reasonable with her and if she doesn't want to show you the same respect then she's really not worth it. But I agree with the others that maybe you shouldn't be so invested in someone you haven't even dated yet at all and pour your feelings out to her.

[csdude55]

You know, I've wondered that exact same thing.

 

I don't know if you read my earlier thread, but I recently ended a 20 year relationship. The end of that relationship overlapped a little with a very emotional relationship with another girl, Anna. Anna broke up with me a few weeks ago, and Anna is a distant cousin of the girl being discussed in this thread.

 

I couldn't help but notice that while I was still in a relationship, Anna was totally in love with me, but after we broke up she lost interest. Anna was always talking about being in love, and that she really wanted us to be together, but then when that was a real option she suddenly reconciled with her ex.

 

And then, like you said, it's interesting that this girl chased me for a month, and then after I said yes she lost interest in 2 days.

 

It could just be a coincidence, of course. But I can't help but wonder if it's a genetic or environmental thing, that these girls get off on the chase and really don't want anything more. Or, maybe they only want what they can't have.

 

I absolutely hate mind games.

 

 

But I agree with the others that maybe you shouldn't be so invested in someone you haven't even dated yet at all and pour your feelings out to her.

 

I'm sure you're right, and I totally get the point.

 

For me, this was an unusual relationship. We started talking online a month ago. I just looked, and in the last 2 weeks she and I have exchanged about 700 messages. Until last weekend she initiated every conversation. She helped me through an emotional break-up, I helped her when she was fighting with her family, and there's been a lot of emotional outpouring from both sides.

 

So this isn't like I picked someone up at a bar and suddenly went emotional on her out of the blue. In retrospect, it was already a bit of an emotional relationship from the get-go. Which is why it really hurt my feelings to be stood up, after all that we had gone through together.

[Tinydance]

I see....Well if you actually already got so emotionally involved online and supported each other, I think the fact that this woman now just totally blew you off after asking you out twice, is even MORE rude and inconsiderate. I mean, if something is going on with her, you asked for an honest answer and she is just not saying anything at all. She has stood you up and has not apologised or explained herself at all. My only thinking is, do you think that Anna is not OK with you guys dating and this woman told her and Anna was really upset and told her not to go out with you? Also are you sure it's a good idea to date an ex's cousin? I mean they might be distant but they're still family and this could get a bit weird? Also you seem to be hopping literally out of one relationship and into another, what about taking a bit of a break and have some "you" time?

[csdude55]

I see....Well if you actually already got so emotionally involved online and supported each other, I think the fact that this woman now just totally blew you off after asking you out twice, is even MORE rude and inconsiderate. I mean, if something is going on with her, you asked for an honest answer and she is just not saying anything at all. She has stood you up and has not apologised or explained herself at all.

 

Well, there's a little bit of development on this one as of today. I honestly don't know whether she's playing games, rude, or just kind of ignorant.

 

This morning at around 9am, she sends me a message that says, "Hii !!" No reply to my last question or anything. A few hours later, I replied with "Hey". She replied and complained about having a fever and terrible headache all day, but then asked if she could come see me at work. I haven't replied any further than that first "hey".

 

Looking back through our messages, though, I've realized several things:

 

1. I've given her my #, email, Snapchat username, and a few other ways to contact me, but she's only ever sent me a message on Facebook. In addition, I mentioned a prominent local website that I own, and not only has she never heard of it, she didn't seem to understand quite how to go look at it. This makes me think that, maybe she simply doesn't realize that there's an internet outside of Facebook? She wouldn't be the first person I've met that was that... lost.

 

2. There have been several times that I've sent 2 messages in a row, and she ignored the first. Or that I sent a question before going to sleep, and the next morning she said "Hey" without replying to the question. She also always starts a conversation with "Hey" or something similar, and if I'm not there then she'll send a second in a few hours that says "Hey". It's as if she doesn't grasp the concept that we can have an ongoing conversation, instead of an immediate back and forth.

 

3. It usually takes her 5-10 minutes to reply, even when it's a short reply. And her replies are always in code ("Hw r u" instead of "How are you", etc). On my end, this seems like a lack of interest, but it could easily be that she doesn't type well and it takes her a long time to get that out.

 

4. This might be irrelevant, but keeping in mind that she's originally from Mexico and English is her second language (she grew up in Granada), I think that when she says "fever" she means "headache".

 

The more I think about it, the more I realize that she messages me kind of the same way my Dad does. I guess that's one of the dangers of online dating, though. It's sort of like how sarcasm doesn't always come accross in a text... if she's really just ignorant and not understanding common courtesies, I could potentially be blowing off a great girl over an honest mistake.

 

 

My only thinking is, do you think that Anna is not OK with you guys dating and this woman told her and Anna was really upset and told her not to go out with you?

 

Someone mentioned this earlier, and I have to be honest... I seriously hope not. It's sooo tempting to believe that Anna would be jealous, as that implies that she still has feelings for me and all that. That's very painful, because it gives me a false hope of us getting back together.

 

Since she still messaged me today, though, if Anna did say something and she's still talking to me... that would be messed up. I don't think she's like that, but at this point, who knows?

 

 

Also are you sure it's a good idea to date an ex's cousin? I mean they might be distant but they're still family and this could get a bit weird?

 

I had actually started an earlier thread on that same topic, because I wasn't sure, either. The response was mixed, though, so that didn't help a lot.

 

The way I figure, though, is that as the one dumped, she has no right to tell me what I can and can't do. And since the cousin was well aware of my relationship with Anna, and she's the one pursuing me, then it's her decision on whether it would be awkward, not mine.

 

I also kind of think that, we're just talking about dinner here. There's a good chance that there's no spark and we just remain friends, in which case there's no use worrying about it, anyway.

 

 

Also you seem to be hopping literally out of one relationship and into another, what about taking a bit of a break and have some "you" time?

 

Oh, I totally agree, this whole thing was a terrible idea! And absolutely not in the plans at all.

 

The short story is that I was in a relationship with one girl for 20 years, but the last 12+ have been completely loveless. We were great friends and never argued, there was just no emotion. I hope saying this isn't a violation of the rules, but she and I had been "intimate" once in over 2 years. But due to several issues (financial, personal insecurities, lack of family and friend support, etc), we both stayed in the relationship with the sentiment of "it's better than being alone".

 

When Anna came along, we connected in a very powerful, emotional way. I wasn't looking for it, didn't expect it, and honestly didn't want it, but it happened anyway. That connection made me realize that there WAS something better in life than just getting along in a loveless relationship. And her being there for me gave me the courage and support that I needed to end that loveless relationship.

 

She had kids, though, and had a tumultuous relationship with her ex, too (the father). We had a very emotional break-up when she decided that she needed to try to make it work with him, for the sake of the kids.

 

During THAT break up, the girl in this thread reached out to me, and was sort of a shoulder for me to cry on. I DEFINITELY wasn't looking for any type of relationship at this point, but she pursued me, not the other way around. She and I went through some emotional times together, so I guess that it was inevitable that feelings would develop.

 

I really don't know how to explain it. I had 12 years of feeling unloved and undesirable, and within the last 5 months I've had two incredibly gorgeous girls pursue me romantically. I mean, seriously... I hate to use this system, but I'm a 6 at best, and these girls are easily 9.5's. On the one hand, it's an ego boost. But on the other, it's scary... what if these two girls just have incredibly bad taste in men (possibly bad genetics), and after this my only options will be women that I don't find physically attractive?

[Sportster2005]

Thanks, all for the comments. I think you're right. I don't know how she found another guy between Friday night and Saturday morning, but if the alternative is that she's rude and inconsiderate then she's not who I thought she was, anyway.

 

The reasons don't matter, and it's all speculation. When they lose interest or blow you off don't be writing them and whining to them. Very few women will ever find this endearing. You are putting way too much emphasis on the wrong people. Start with yourself. This stuff should bounce right off of you. If it doesn't you have work to do. Get to it.

[Sportster2005]

 

I really don't know how to explain it. I had 12 years of feeling unloved and undesirable, and within the last 5 months I've had two incredibly gorgeous girls pursue me romantically. I mean, seriously... I hate to use this system, but I'm a 6 at best, and these girls are easily 9.5's. On the one hand, it's an ego boost. But on the other, it's scary... what if these two girls just have incredibly bad taste in men (possibly bad genetics), and after this my only options will be women that I don't find physically attractive?

 

Wow, worrying this much about women would completely exhaust me. I think your luck will turn around if you stop caring so much about this. Really, make it a much lower priority. Might sound counter intuitive, but trust me, you're going to drive yourself crazy.

[Malisinunderla]

No man!Dont do this to yourself!!! You are being overly open and who cares if it seen as desperate or not you are being honest. How could you keep talking to someone who you wrote a big text and told them how they hurt you and they reply with a sad face?!?!?what nonsense?! Really no, please dont talk to her anymore!!! Also about the whole ex thing, I get your need to rush into something new but for me anyone who had anything to do with an ex is off limits. Not in the sense that you can't get them but in the sense of why complicate things?

 

But seriously her behaviour is unacceptable!! I've seen rude but this just annoys me. Girls can be like that. They can make you feel really special and like you are connecting and at the same time not be all that interested. It's sad and twisted but oh so true.

 

To answer your last question. She is not trying to play any game. She is being immature and spoilt and thinks that just because you like her she can change her mind and not let you know. That would piss me off so bad. Disappear on her, that suits her right

[csdude55]

Oh, yeah, I've totally backed off of this one. We still talk as friends, but I'm not flirting anymore. We might go out in a group or something, but I'm not getting my hopes up over anything anymore. Whether she's not in to me, playing games, or just mean, it's not worth the pain and effort.

[Malisinunderla]

Oh, yeah, I've totally backed off of this one. We still talk as friends, but I'm not flirting anymore. We might go out in a group or something, but I'm not getting my hopes up over anything anymore. Whether she's not in to me, playing games, or just mean, it's not worth the pain and effort.

 

Glad to hear. You should have not given her the time of day. You could have been way more rude with her how dare she stand you up!! How old are you?

[csdude55]

Too dang old! LOL I'm 39, but just got out of a 20 year (loveless) relationship. Which means that I'm a little more sensitive, and way more emotionally open, than I probably should be. I'm open and honest, and instinctively assume that everyone else is, too.