New Update and Really Need Some Help!

[can1328]

You can find me "getting back together" thread on here from a few months back. My ex broke up with me and moved out citing various reasons. The list included: not getting married, feeling unhappy in the months leading up to the break up, meeting a new guy at a reunion that she felt a "connection" with. My reasoning for not getting married was her drinking issue. These were really the major issues. We were together 5 years and lived together for 1.5 years. Anyway, here is the quick update:

 

I went NC for a few weeks, maybe 4 or 5 I can't remember. I was still feeling low but I was getting myself out there and improving myself. I decided to run a road race that required me to wake up at 4:30am and run over a bridge at sunrise. My boss had signed a team up months earlier to train and do this. So I intended to do it with him. Full disclosure, my ex signed up for the race as well when we were together. But I honestly did not think she would come given the fact that it was a team set up by my company. I admit too, the night before, I checked social media to see if she was going to be in town for it. The picture I saw that she posted was of her and her mother hiking. I was relieved because that meant that she was visiting her family back home and I wouldn't have a chance to see her. I went to the race early, got everything together, my boss was a no show so I was alone. About 20 minutes before the start of the race as I'm walking up to the starting line (Mind you there are over 3000 people here) there she is, standing alone. My heart sank. And of course, I went up to say hello. We spoke a little...said good luck and ran the race. After the race was through I walked off to a tent to get some food. She came up to me and asked how I did, etc. We talked some more. She said she'd call me later in the day to talk further but she had to get going. She called a few hours later. She asked if I'd like to meet at a local bar. I agreed. We met and had a really nice time talking about things. This was her idea of closure and to hash out all the negatives so we could move on without any negative feelings. We said our goodbyes sadly and I left.

 

I contacted her a few days later to discuss some more. We met again since we work closely. I informed her I was going away on a trip for a while. We started talking some more about us and she asked if she could stop by later that afternoon to talk and I also needed a trim since my barber wasn't going to be open before I left. (she initiated asking if I wanted her to give me a trim) She came over that afternoon and we hung out for a few hours, then she said goodbye and left. A few hours later my phone rang. She asked me if I was busy for dinner. I said no and we had dinner that night as well.

 

I left for my trip the next morning. We stayed in LC for the duration of the trip until I got one text on Sunday Nov. 2nd about 5 days into my vacation. It was a text that said she misses me deeply and cannot stop thinking about me since I saw her at the race. She said she really would like to talk when I get back. The following night we spoke on the phone for over an hour. I was planned to come home the following day. She said let's have dinner when you get home. We did and we spoke about entering into couples counseling that week. There was an opening the next day and we took it. We have one session under our belt.

 

To make this long story shorter, we have seen each other everyday since I got back. Lunch, dinner, hanging out on Sat night, (she slept over) Yesterday we hung out all day. She admitted in couples counseling that she still hears from the guy she had a "connection" with but there is nothing there. He was a friend from her hometown and that's all it was and turned out to be. She cut that off from what she says but they still have contact. She is not dating anyone here or looking. She wants to see where we go but to start slow. We are not together, we have no title and her response is that she doesn't want to jump into something so quickly because she is afraid of it going back to the way it was. She would like to continue talking and hanging out, go to a few more couples therapy sessions and see where it goes. She has worked on her drinking issue and currently has it under control. I have worked on my issues that affected us and have all intentions of doing what I need to to make a relationship work.

 

My trouble is her not wanting to commit right now. I guess it feels odd to live together and then have to go back to step 1. She lives with friends so she keeps busy at home and I'm home alone in the house we used to share. What do I do here? How do I proceed? I don't want to be pushy and push her away but I hate the fact that some mornings I don't hear a good morning from her and some I do. When we hang out it's like we are together again. We haven't fought once in the entire time we've hung out. My worry is that we'll go on the next few weeks and it won't turn out the way I see it. Then I'm back to square one. She understands that and says its my decision if I don't want to talk to her anymore. She said she's terrified over losing my out of her life but cannot commit to me after only talking to each other for a few weeks. Looking here for some help on moving forward.

[mhowe]

Look --- nothing has really changed in 5 weeks.

 

She got burned because it didn't work out with him --- but she is still in touch.

She has her drinking under control? How? Counseling...therapy...AA? No ---- she hasn't changed that at all. Watch her twitter/whatsapp

 

I think you need to stop seeing her every day and pretending everything has changed. She is on her best behavior.

 

Continue with the couples counseling and see what it unearths.

[can1328]

Agreed.

 

I guess I'm just confused by her want to hang out so much and be so close yet not commit. Worrying about things going back to the way they were seems like a bull excuse to me. I'm just really afraid of being hurt again. She's not communicating her thoughts and expectations to me well. All she says is "you need to chill and let things happen as they do." Or "I don't have an answer for you right now." and "stop being so serious." This is serious to me.

[mhowe]

Because you were together for a long time. Your relationship is a habit, and a known thing (the old one).

 

She can't commit because she really doesn't want to --- so all the BS she fed you about marrying was just that.

She isn't communicating, she is living with her gf's ---- and she wants you on the back burner while she sees if she can hook someone else, since the homeboy

gave her the walking papers.

 

Please --- who flys home and has him fly out --- when they are "just friends". He got a couple of booty calls and then said --- "no can do".

 

Stop the "reconciliation". You are a band aid.

 

Tell her that you think a lot more time needs to pass for you to forget this break up.

[patterned]

You didn't want to marry her. It goes deeper than the drinking issue.

[annie24]

Hi - I was just wondering how you were doing! To be honest, I'm not surprised that things petered out with that guy - I think she was hoping he would be the love of her life, and he was thinking this would be a fun weekend hookup. Blah. So now that that's over, it's back to you, you are her safety blanket, as mhowe says.

 

Yeah, the same issues are all still there -- the alcohol issues especially. I wouldn't rush to get back together. She definitely needs to work through some issues before you get back with her.

[can1328]

from what she tells me, she's the one who stopped talking to him because of the way she feels about me.

 

I completely agree with all you've said though. I guess I'm looking for her to look at me and say "I realized I love you and made a mistake but couldn't imagine my life without you." If she said that I guess I'd have no questions anymore. But that's not what i'm getting.

[Clinton]

Not going to comment on whether what you are doing is a good idea.

 

All I'll say is you either are an exclusive couple who are commited to trying to resolve things or you are nothing.

 

The whole let's not label it and see where it goes seldom if ever works

[mhowe]

from what she tells me, she's the one who stopped talking to him because of the way she feels about me.

 

I completely agree with all you've said though. I guess I'm looking for her to look at me and say "I realized I love you and made a mistake but couldn't imagine my life without you." If she said that I guess I'd have no questions anymore. But that's not what i'm getting.

 

That just isn't believable.

 

And to your second point --- exactly.

 

When my bf came back (and there was no other person) --- he said: I am sorry. I have made a huge mistake --- please accept my apology, even though I don't deserve it. I cannot imagine my life without you. Can you find it in your heart to give me another chance".

 

Not --- meh, let's see how this goes.

[can1328]

Hi - I was just wondering how you were doing! To be honest, I'm not surprised that things petered out with that guy - I think she was hoping he would be the love of her life, and he was thinking this would be a fun weekend hookup. Blah. So now that that's over, it's back to you, you are her safety blanket, as mhowe says.

 

Yeah, the same issues are all still there -- the alcohol issues especially. I wouldn't rush to get back together. She definitely needs to work through some issues before you get back with her.

 

Thanks for thinking of me! My feelings are that she's just winging it. She's seeing what will come about in therapy and make her decision then. But she's hurting me in the process. It amazes me how she's putting the focus on me changing when she was the one who blew this up by moving out and seeing another guy. Couldn't we have done couples counseling before she packed her bags up and left? Seems a bit more logical if you ask me.

[SooSad33]

"To make this long story shorter, we have seen each other everyday since I got back. Lunch, dinner, hanging out on Sat night, (she slept over) Yesterday we hung out all day"

- You two are hanging out way too much to have just started 'trying again'. You need to ease into things slowly..

 

How do u proceed?

>."I have worked on my issues that affected us and have all intentions of doing what I need to to make a relationship work"

- Keep working on YOU.

 

"from what she tells me, she's the one who stopped talking to him because of the way she feels about me."

- Yes, cause she's still 'dealing with' her emotions over you. HE was a rebound.

Being ina LTR, you two were so used to each other. It ca be very hard to just let go over night. Doesn't mean you g running back and NOT deal with what broke you up.

 

You havent fought.. yet. But as mentioned.. in 5 weeks not much has changed. You need to take this slowly.

Like starting new relationship.

 

Date occasionally, don't keep at each other 20 times a day.

So, keep up with the counseling.. and see how she s re: drinking in another 2-3 months time.

Also, have YOUR feelings changed about marriage.. yet? At this time, No, I don't think it's in the cards.

 

But do not jump right into this, again, so seriously.

[can1328]

I guess I'm the one who needs to fix that. We hang out all day long then we don't talk the next day. It's weird to me but I guess I need to get through my head that it's not healthy to jump right back into things. I just wish she gave me more of a commitment. She just doesn't. She's always been a "go with the flow" type person. But for someone who wanted to marry me in August to not wanting to commit now seems so ridiculous. It's so confusing. The minute I think I have something figured out, I don't.

[Supernova1607309611]

I remember your story well. And she's got you exactly where she wants you. What she wanted before was a FWB situation where she could see you AND see this other out of town guy at the same time until she decided who she wanted most. And she LIED about taking trips to go see him, and also refused to give him up when you told her that wouldn't work (and still refuses to give him up).

 

So you KNOW she is willing to lie if it suits her purposes. So now, if she is still in contact with him, it's not a case of 'it didn't work out', but a case of now she is continuing to lie and is stringing you along in a FWB situation while see contacts him and sees him in the background. So you're in exactly the position she wants you to be in and has all along. And she's still pretending she's not with him when you KNOW she's lied about it in the past, so why should now be any different.

 

So i agree with the others... you're still her back-up plan and security blanket while she experiments with being single and probably still dating this other guy, but can only see him so often so you're 'filling in' until she sees where that goes. If she is serious about getting back with you, then she should cut contact with him entirely and agree to get back into a relationship with you and work on it in counseling.

 

I suggest you don't let this go on for ore than 3 or 4 more counseling sessions before you make it clear she needs to take your relationship seriously, and make a commitment to you, or you're out.

 

But personally I wouldn't be very comfortable with someone who has lied to me and behaved the way she has behaved, and is behaving. I think she's maneuvered you nicely into the backup plan role which is where she's always wanted you, but there is no benefit in that for you!

[SooSad33]

Yes.. sometimes things get confusing & complicated.

Was she right to walk off like she did? Don't know? BUT.. because of some 'interest' in some other guy and the fact you weren't wanting to marry..yet maybe didn't seem legit for you.. but were to her.

Did she do the right thing? Not sure?

Sometimes, some people especially women are looking for a long term commitment and that'll include marriage cause they're looking down the road at their future. Babies, etc.

 

Maybe she was thinking, "well if he doesn't want to commit to ME this way, there's no hope?"

 

So, one way to look at this is... you two maybe aren't so compatible? But... you tried. It's all you can do.

 

Take it easy.. think on these facts and for now, take care of YOU.

Slow it all down.

 

good luck

[JA0371]

In my opinion you need to truly be broken up.....maybe for a good year to truly try for a reconciliation. She had an issue with drinking...that in of itself requires at least a year sobriety . There is no way she changed in a few weeks. If you are truly meant to be together, you need to allow each other time apart, to work on yourselves. In the scheme of life...a year is nothing.

[sky09]

In my opinion you need to truly be broken up.....maybe for a good year to truly try for a reconciliation. She had an issue with drinking...that in of itself requires at least a year sobriety . There is no way she changed in a few weeks. If you are truly meant to be together, you need to allow each other time apart, to work on yourselves. In the scheme of life...a year is nothing.

 

this.

 

if you're in therapy together, you need to make sure both of you are putting in your best effort. You also have to tell her to break it off with the other guy completely, otherwise what are you guys doing?

[can1328]

this.

 

if you're in therapy together, you need to make sure both of you are putting in your best effort. You also have to tell her to break it off with the other guy completely, otherwise what are you guys doing?

 

 

Agreed. We are addressing her drinking issue in therapy as well. The counselor also specializes in substance abuse so that's helpful. We will see if her problem requires more attention or if it can be controlled on her own.

 

I don't know about the other guy. Our next therapy session is next week so I'm anxious for that. I spoke with her today and she said she just wants to take things super slow and that she agrees that we both have something work fighting for. She's much less panicked than I am because she's in the drivers seat. It sucks to be where I am.

[mhowe]

Get out of the car. You are accepting the passenger seat.

[can1328]

I agree. But I just can't. Besides the issues that have happened, i loved our relationship for the majority of the time and don't want to throw it away forever. We've both agreed that it's worth fighting for. I just want instant satisfaction and she wants to move forward slowly. She tells me I need to calm down and that I'm being too pushy.

 

I'm sure this is easy to see from the outside looking in. But she gave me up before and only came back after a month or so. We've been broken up for over 2 months now. I'm so confused.

[Shane Falco]

I agree. But I just can't. Besides the issues that have happened, i loved our relationship for the majority of the time and don't want to throw it away forever. We've both agreed that it's worth fighting for. I just want instant satisfaction and she wants to move forward slowly. She tells me I need to calm down and that I'm being too pushy.

 

I'm sure this is easy to see from the outside looking in. But she gave me up before and only came back after a month or so. We've been broken up for over 2 months now. I'm so confused.

 

She needs to fight for you. What you are doing right now is completely counterproductive. You've gotten pages of pages of great advice, yet you're ignoring it and accepting being a demoted friendzone safety net. All you are doing with your current actions is allowing her comfort and an ability to wean off of you. I mean, you need to wake the hell up. When the dumper says she needs to take it slow, that's a huge red flag. The dumper should be the one wanting to take it fast because they regret breaking up with you and you should be the one taking it slow and thinking long and hard about it. The fact that it's the reverse is not a good thing, and you foolishly engaging her isn't helping.

 

You need significant time apart. She has issues, and you are extremely co-dependent it seems. What you are doing now sucks dude.

[can1328]

You're right on. I can't get past losing her and everything my life has been about for the past 5 years. My head is telling me one thing but I'm acting out in other ways. She does have issues. I guess I need to just stop the contact completely. She fought for me for a few days and now that she's got me back it cools off a bit. I want her to fight for me more. But I look like the p***** here.

[can1328]

Well everyone. I'm back with an update. I didn't take the great advice here and went on with the possibility of getting back with her. In all honesty, she got closer since the last posting. She showed a lot of affection and even invited me to visit some old friends last weekend for a "friendsgiving" weekend. She showed affection, held my hand, hugged, kissed. It felt great. It was just like we were headed in the right direction. She even said to me "i want to do everything we can to make this work." We went to our latest couples counseling date just before thanksgiving. We made some good headway and everything was positive. She asked me to babysit her cat while she went back to her hometown for Thanksgiving. I wasn't invited. I kept in touch as did she but very limited contact from wed-saturday. This past Saturday night around 7 I sent her a text to ask how everything was going...no answer. Texted her again around 10...no answer. My mind started to wander. She got back to me at midnight and said she fell asleep. But someone posted on her fb page about going out that night. I called her out on it. She lied and I caught her...AGAIN. She got all flustered and said the whole crap of "I don't need to checking up on me" etc. She came home yesterday and told me she thinks we shouldn't talk any longer. She's not into the relationship like I am. She met me for less than 5 minutes outside her work as I was walking back from lunch. That's all I got. She e-mailed me and asked me to leave the cat in my garage and she will pick it up that night. I was home at the time she came and obviously kept the cat inside. She grabbed him and said she had to go. There was no conversation. No word from her today either. Everyone here warned me and I didn't listen. The closer we got, the more I felt that it was real. But it was all just to fill in her lonely times. I don't know what she was doing and what caused her to lie. She claims she was just with her friends...but was there a need to lie if she was? Could've just said "hey, with my friends tonight, can I give you a call in the morning?" But to lie?

 

Now I'm left starting over. I feel terrible for letting her back in just to crush me again. I think she's a terrible person for having no regard for my feelings and dragging me through this. Also, to give me a less than 5 minute break up? After I have been paying for couples counseling sessions because she wanted to work on things. And as I'm babysitting her cat she's out lying to me about where/what she's doing. Ugh. It continues to make me cringe.

[Shane Falco]

I mean, at this point it's kind of your fault. You know the score, but you keep after her anyway. You need to stop. Whether or not she's a good person or not is irrelevant -- she's doing this to you because you don't have the good sense to leave her be. She feels she can do whatever she wants because you don't have the ability to look out for yourself and be your own person.

 

I mean, one day it's going to sink in. Obviously 20-plus pages haven't woken you up, so I'm not sure what will.

[can1328]

I mean, at this point it's kind of your fault. You know the score, but you keep after her anyway. You need to stop. Whether or not she's a good person or not is irrelevant -- she's doing this to you because you don't have the good sense to leave her be. She feels she can do whatever she wants because you don't have the ability to look out for yourself and be your own person.

 

I mean, one day it's going to sink in. Obviously 20-plus pages haven't woken you up, so I'm not sure what will.

 

 

 

Sure. as blunt as your post is it's right. But hey, i had faith in making things successful with her, and she showed me recently she did as well. She recognized she was wrong and came at me full throttle in the last few weeks. Before I threw away 5 years I went with it. I was wrong. 20 pages or not this is my life and I made a decision based on what I saw with her. It's done now. She was a coward in saying this and walking away but I have no desire in talking to her further. So maybe it took 21 pages....thanks

[Shane Falco]

Sure. as blunt as your post is it's right. But hey, i had faith in making things successful with her, and she showed me recently she did as well. She recognized she was wrong and came at me full throttle in the last few weeks. Before I threw away 5 years I went with it. I was wrong. 20 pages or not this is my life and I made a decision based on what I saw with her. It's done now. She was a coward in saying this and walking away but I have no desire in talking to her further. So maybe it took 21 pages....thanks

 

She didn't recognize anything. She said what she needed to say to keep you on the hook, and it worked. That's one of the reasons why you have to go No Contact in these situations, because you have no capacity for logical thinking. She'll do it again, so be prepared.