New Update and Really Need Some Help!

[can1328]

She didn't recognize anything. She said what she needed to say to keep you on the hook, and it worked. That's one of the reasons why you have to go No Contact in these situations, because you have no capacity for logical thinking. She'll do it again, so be prepared.

 

 

If she does, I'll be prepared. I haven't felt this way at all during this break up/back together thing. I'm angry and feel used and abused. I know I'll have my low moments but I need to get through them by remembering this.

 

Tomorrow is our scheduled counseling session. I'd like to go alone to vent to the counselor about this. I don't want to go if she's going to be there. Not sure how I should go about this one.

[mhowe]

Tell her not to go. You are the one paying for it.

[Shane Falco]

If she does, I'll be prepared. I haven't felt this way at all during this break up/back together thing. I'm angry and feel used and abused. I know I'll have my low moments but I need to get through them by remembering this.

 

Tomorrow is our scheduled counseling session. I'd like to go alone to vent to the counselor about this. I don't want to go if she's going to be there. Not sure how I should go about this one.

 

Cancel them and do a solo one.

[kbbcoop77]

I would say the "couples" counseling is finished. I don't think I would even go solo unless you want to vent. She played you like a violin, and maybe that's a good thing so now you know who you are dealing with. I mean, you babysat her cat while she lied and cheated on you some more. That would infuriate me enough to close that book forever. Ugh.

[chickadeedee]

I'm really sorry... i think she's just made it clear that her real goal is to be single and look for a new guy, and she'll see you sometimes as a backup plan when she's bored or lonely until she has a new guy solidly on the hook.

 

I think your just torturing yourself continuing with her. So in your counseling session (without her) tell them you want to work on letting go and putting this woman behind you and use that session to get some support and skills on how to grieve the loss and move on.

[can1328]

I'm really sorry... i think she's just made it clear that her real goal is to be single and look for a new guy, and she'll see you sometimes as a backup plan when she's bored or lonely until she has a new guy solidly on the hook.

 

I think your just torturing yourself continuing with her. So in your counseling session (without her) tell them you want to work on letting go and putting this woman behind you and use that session to get some support and skills on how to grieve the loss and move on.

 

Exactly what I want to do. I'm all done with her. I have never done anything intentional to hurt her yet she still blames me for it. She's continued to do things out of spite to get back at me. But for what?? If she fell out of love with me, it wasn't something I did intentional to make that happen. I'm having a rough day today but I'm going to get through it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I deserve so much better from a partner than a consistent liar.

[annie24]

Exactly what I want to do. I'm all done with her. I have never done anything intentional to hurt her yet she still blames me for it. She's continued to do things out of spite to get back at me. But for what?? If she fell out of love with me, it wasn't something I did intentional to make that happen. I'm having a rough day today but I'm going to get through it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I deserve so much better from a partner than a consistent liar.

 

I agree. I know it hurts now, but I can tell you that there a lot of great women who would be a better partner for you if you start dating again. hang in there.

[can1328]

I went to the couples session yesterday. She was a no show. I was happy she didn't show up because it gave me one on one time with the therapist which was what I needed. It was good to hear her opinion especially since it's coming from someone other than a friend or family. She gave me great insight as I went over a lot of things in the relationship that were done. It opened my eyes to the fact that alcohol actually caused much more damage in the relationship than I thought. She has a more serious problem than I ever thought it to be. It proves now that she decided to choose the alcohol and partying over being together with me. She would always get angry with me because I would tell her she needs to chill out and not do a lot of the things she's doing that involve drinking and partying. This must've pushed her to not want to be with me and be told that she shouldn't be doing something. She's looking for someone who will join her in the party. I'm glad I can see clearly now that it was unhealthy for me to be in this relationship and I deserve better from a partner.

 

I will miss her. I loved her very much and always hoped she'd change. But she won't. Now I need to protect myself and put a wall up. Complete NC going forward. Tough time of the year for this but I will get through it.

[annie24]

She's looking for someone who will join her in the party.

 

yeah, that's the thing about people with substance abuse problems - they're not looking for someone who will help them stay clean, they're looking for someone who will have the same addiction they do.

[can1328]

yeah, that's the thing about people with substance abuse problems - they're not looking for someone who will help them stay clean, they're looking for someone who will have the same addiction they do.

 

I wrote a few instances where alcohol fogged her decision making and read them to the counselor. I'm so glad I did this. She let me know how wrong all those things were in a relationship. She said that they were so disrespectful and selfish. So all the times I got into a fight with her after doing these things were right. I had a reason to get upset at her. She manipulated me into believing she was truly sorry, that it would never happen again and that it wasn't a big deal, etc. I blame myself for not opening my eyes sooner but being together for so long just made me think it would be ok. It feels better to see the light now. It took me a while but I guess everyones process is different.

[annie24]

Part of the reason my ex broke up with me is that I didn't smoke pot. Priorities.

[can1328]

Part of the reason my ex broke up with me is that I didn't smoke pot. Priorities.

 

 

Funny you should say that. When my ex and I were talking again the last few weeks she has turned to pot. She said that the reason she stopped years ago was because of me. She realized that that's her thing and I need to take it or leave it. You're right about the priorities part...

[annie24]

Our exes can get together!!!

[can1328]

Got a text and e-mail first thing this morning. It was saying "counseling at 3." Apparently she had it as today instead of Wednesday. Unfortunately I broke the NC and simply put "it was Wednesday, I went."

 

I hate how simple, stupid contact can change my mood. Now my day turned from positive to feeling blah.

[mhowe]

Block her already!

[can1328]

Block her already!

 

Ha, I didn't answer her for a little while and she sent an e-mail too. "Hey, not sure if you got my texts or if you blocked me......

 

She just plain sucks. I guess there's a way to block e-mails on gmail. I'll do that today.

 

I also got a forwarded e-mail from her from a dog adoption place. I'm in the process of adopting a dog and she got involved while we were "back together?" (if you can call it that) She got all the letters of rec, filled out the app, tells me she wants to be a part of this adoption.... then dumps me again. Just when I thought she couldn't get any worse...

[mhowe]

Yes you can block emails.

[chickadeedee]

Honey, she is an unstable alcoholic/drug user/party girl. They do not make good partners. She'll waffle around forever and chase her latest whim/drink/drug/man, and jerk you around 6 days to Sunday if you let her.

 

I agree, you just have to block her. And you can't believe anything she says because you already know she lies, cheats, parties, etc. and her whims will change from day to day. It's like walking into the blades of an airplane emotionally, getting whacked again and again as she spins around. Take yourself out of harm's way. Cut her off entirely and stop playing.

 

She'll wander off and find some other chump to play her games with. Better she destroys him than you.

[can1328]

Honey, she is an unstable alcoholic/drug user/party girl. They do not make good partners. She'll waffle around forever and chase her latest whim/drink/drug/man, and jerk you around 6 days to Sunday if you let her.

 

I agree, you just have to block her. And you can't believe anything she says because you already know she lies, cheats, parties, etc. and her whims will change from day to day. It's like walking into the blades of an airplane emotionally, getting whacked again and again as she spins around. Take yourself out of harm's way. Cut her off entirely and stop playing.

 

She'll wander off and find some other chump to play her games with. Better she destroys him than you.

 

 

I completely agree. I realize all of it too. I just have a tough time letting go of 5 years. But I know that the majority of those years were completely unhealthy. I will move on from it and I will find someone who treats me the way I deserve. Once my wounds aren't so wide open I'll be ok.

[chickadeedee]

I had to let go of a man i'd been with for over 10 years when i discovered he was living a double life with another woman as well, so i know how hard it is... but i can 100% say that you will start to feel better when you truly realize you need to let go. The reality is she is just not the beloved person you thought she was. She IS that woman who lies and cheats and it just took a long time for that side of her to be exposed and for you to find out. You may have little hints that her character wasn't the best (the drinking too much etc.) that you might be able to forgive, but the depth of this lying and cheating and selfish behavior is something you can't ignore and proves she can't be your long term partner no matter how high your hopes were for that.

 

So sit down and write her an email saying all the things you have left to say to her (and either send it or don't), but once you complete that, you are done and you just block her and devote yourself to the task of letting go. You will grieve for a while, but you can't build a relationship on someone who is so shady morally and with so many problems. So you have no choice but to let her go. You can and will find someone better once you give yourself a chance to heal and really cut her out of your life so you're not continually getting reminded of her.

[chickadeedee]

btw, go ahead and adopt that dog on your own! They are wonderful companions and will give you something to love and focus on to help you get thru this grieving period.

[can1328]

I couldn't imagine what finding that out after 10 years felt like. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Did you completely block him out of your life?

 

Your post is spot on. I always knew her character wasn't the best. But because I loved her it was easy to overlook that. I figured it was immaturity that would go away eventually. This is the reason that it took me so long to propose. It's not that I don't want to marry. In fact, I'm so upset because I actually want marriage. I'm ready for it! Now I'm at square 1. I was waiting for her character flaws to iron out, her to mature and be content with just me and not partying and drinking several nights a week. But she went the opposite and now I'm glad I held off from buying the ring.

 

I've been writing some things on paper when I think of them. I will put that into a letter and hold onto it. If I feel like I need to send it, I will. But I will wait a little while before making that decision. Hopefully I feel better soon and don't need to send it.

 

I'm going through with the adoption and hopefully will be able to get him next weekend. 11 week old black lab puppy! I've been wanting one for a while so this isn't a decision based solely on helping me grieve. I'm excited and know that he will definitely contribute to having a better Holiday season.

[mhowe]

For future dating prospects...character flaws don't "iron out". They are part of ones character.

[chickadeedee]

>>Did you completely block him out of your life?

 

Yes, i did, but it took me a while to work up to it since it is such a shock and you can't believe it for a while until the truth really settles in. It was a bumpy ride for a while with him still trying to keep me in his life (in the same way your GF is doing), but eventually i realized there was no going back from that kind of betrayal and realizing that someone is a liar and a cheater. You just can't ever trust someeone who does this, so you're always on edge and you just can't live that way forever.

 

So this has been playing out for a while for you too, and i hope you are at the point where you realize she is who she is and this will just torture you. And you know you can never trust her. She's proven that she is very selfish and will do what is right for herself without a thought for your welfare. Such a person will destroy you eventually if you keep associating with them. So you must protect yourself because you do deserve better.

 

One thing that was interesting was that he really was his 'best self' with me so being with me really raised him up for a while, in the same manner that being with you probably made her 'behave' for a while trying to be with you. But ultimately a person is who they are, and if they are selfish and have bad character, they will eventually sink back to their own level, and unfortunately drag you down to theirs and drag you thru the mud if you let them.

 

So you need to realize that you are a good person and you did try your best and for a while she tried to step up to your level, but she couldn't live without her drink, drugs, lies, and other men, and eventually she reverted back to the person she really was. She just got sick of trying to be the kind of woman you wanted/expected her to be and one day just said, f--- it, this isn't fun, i need to party! So back she went into that world.

 

Same with my ex... he really wanted me and the qualities I offered him, BUT he just couldn't do it permanently in the end because he was selfish and wanted other things as well, and was indeed a liar and cheater. In a moment of clarity, he said to me, 'I don't think i ever love anyone the way I should, I'm too selfish for that and just want to do what I want and not have anybody or anything stop me from doing my own thing.' So what he REALLY wanted was the stability and love and support I offered, but he also wanted to be totally free to chase any whim he wanted to chase. Those are two different lifestyles, and I realized that though i could give him the stability and love and support he needed, he could never give me the same thing because he was a taker and not a giver and wanted his freedom as well. Those things were just incompatible.

 

So recognize that some parts of her are that beloved one you loved, BUT there was also a far darker and selfish side of her that was her true character and incompatible with how you are and what you want and need. I think Annie said above that her BF ultimately left her because she wouldn't smoke weed. How shallow and selfish is that, to dump someone for a drug? But people can be that shallow and self stimulating and place higher values on things like stimulation over stability and real love. So sadly a lesson learned and recognition that the life she wants to lead and the life you want to lead just don't mesh together, so you have to let her go and find someone more compatible with you and your lifestyle.

[annie24]

Getting an animal is a great decision. I hope you enjoy it. And don't worry about your ex. I agree with blocking.