Girlfriend hanging out with another man in another state for a weekend.

[j.man]

I've posted about this guy before. She met him on an airplane and he invited her to stay at his family's house for her short stay in Texas and they've kept in touch since. They'd known each other in person for two weeks tops. He buys a plane ticket to visit her and spend 5 days with her and stay with her place. Those plans had been arranged since before I was with her, so I didn't feel I could rightly say much.

 

Fast forward about 5 months later. She has a veterinary conference to go to in Texas. Same state as him, but he's still about a 4.5 hour drive away. He asks if she can stay an extra weekend after her conference so that he can fly her up to Dallas to stay with him and do a road trip through some cities in Texas.

 

I am not happy about it in the least. Their plans aren't definite, and I guess there are plans of him meeting her in San Antonio for a day and then them going up to Dallas. I honestly don't like any of the plans. To me, it'd be one thing if he happened to be in the area and they did lunch, or even did an afternoon together. It's a whole other thing for him to drive 4.5 hours to meet her and hang out with her for a weekend, and potentially take her back to his town and place.

 

I know every relationship has its own boundaries, and I thought I'd been clear about mine... but going from your perspective... am I being irrational not wanting her to spend the weekend with him?

[IAmFCA]

She is unreasonable to expect her life with you continues unchanged given that she would make this choice. Choosing to invest her energies with this man in this way, an extended 1 on 1 visit, travel, possible hotel.

 

This is not appropriate for a person within an exclusive relationship.

[Madamdiva007]

I agree, I wouldn't be comfortable with it either. If they were longtime friends and knew each other long before she met you, then MAYBE some of this would be okay.

[misssmithviii]

She is unreasonable to expect her life with you continues unchanged given that she would make this choice. Choosing to invest her energies with this man in this way, an extended 1 on 1 visit, travel, possible hotel.

 

This is not appropriate for a person within an exclusive relationship.

 

I agree with this 100%...

I don't believe you're irrational at all. 1 on 1 visits with travel, spending time together like that is something that most people wouldn't be okay with.

 

My bf and I have a boundary where we don't hang out 1 on 1 with the opposite sex unless it's like a lunch to catch up or something along those lines. Things that are obviously platonic. But staying overnight 1 on 1 with another man?

 

The bottom line is you're uncomfortable with this and she should know. You two need to discuss boundaries and expectations with each other.

 

How do you think she'll react?

 

 

...

[SpottiOtti]

This is inappropriate for a woman in a relationship, and if she doesn't know that yet, then you should clarify it with her. I don't think you are being irrational at all. Hope it all works out.

[Batya33]

I would be shocked if she considers this appropriate. The only way this happens is if you are with her and the two of you meet up with him for a meal. Does he even know about you?

[j.man]

I can't talk her out of seeing him altogether without resenting me. I told her I'm okay if he comes down to her. He has to get his own hotel room if he wants to see her for Friday night and Saturday afternoon, and she leaves Saturday. No going back to his town and staying at his apartment. They can have dinner and spend the next afternoon in San Antonio if they want. Then she flies back. Ideally, I wouldn't want them hanging out at all. None of it is that I think she'll cheat on me, but I need her to start being conscientious of the intentions of other guys and to make sure I'm being represented in these kinds of scenarios.

[Batya33]

She is going on a date with him then in a situation where they are away from home and both know he has a hotel room that he booked just to see her. If you're ok with her going on a date with this guy, fine. Don't kid yourself that it is platonic or that she thinks it is.

[SpottiOtti]

Awww, you let her off easy man. I have a feeling this dude is going to continue to be a problem for you two because clearly she doesn't get that it's inappropriate to be hanging one-on-one with another dude when she's in a relationship. Best case, she's naive enough to believe he just wants her as a friend (I've been there). Worst case, she's deciding whether he could be lined up as a replacement if things don't work out with you.

[j.man]

I hear you... I still don't feel good about it. I gotta take some time and really decide what I'm going to be okay with and define the boundaries very clearly.

[HeartGoesOn]

None of it is that I think she'll cheat on me, but I need her to start being C of the intentions of other guys and to make sure I'm being represented in these kinds of scenarios.

 

I'm sorry, but you're letting her off the hook way too easily. As an adult who knows right from wrong, she needs to be conscientious of her own intentions, as well as having respect for the relationship you both share.

 

All in all, It appears as if she's pulling the wool over your eyes.

[IAmFCA]

Why are you setting rules for how extensive their visit can be?

 

Choosing to go against your own standards to avoid her being resentful of you diminishes your integrity, and lets her manipulate you.

 

End this. Learn that you do not need her approval.

 

Then go get a relationship that doesn't ask you to compromise your self-respect.

[Clinton]

Stand up for yourself but be prepared to accept the consequences.

 

Even if you don't stand up for what you believe, it sounds as if your relationship is on its last legs.

 

Might as well go out with some self respect still in tact.

[Batya33]

I hear you... I still don't feel good about it. I gotta take some time and really decide what I'm going to be okay with and define the boundaries very clearly.

 

Here is how I would present it to her "this man is interested in you romantically. He is traveling a great distance to see you (or paying for you to fly to him) in a city where he knows you will be on your own and I won't be around. Your seeing him is at best leading him on and at worst you're going on a date even though we're exclusive. That you would choose to do this shows me that we have very different ideas about what it means to be in an exclusive relationship -we can talk more about this but I need to know from you whether you are committed to me and to us. This choice you want to make makes me doubt your intentions and feelings."

[IAmFCA]

Here is how I would present it to her "this man is interested in you romantically. He is traveling a great distance to see you (or paying for you to fly to him) in a city where he knows you will be on your own and I won't be around. Your seeing him is at best leading him on and at worst you're going on a date even though we're exclusive. That you would choose to do this shows me that we have very different ideas about what it means to be in an exclusive relationship -we can talk more about this but I need to know from you whether you are committed to me and to us. This choice you want to make makes me doubt your intentions and feelings."

 

In my experience, this commentary will be met with (1) insistence that the Texan is not interested, which is a distraction from the main issue, and (2) insistence that she is committed to you, either to keep you or because she really believes it.

 

I recommend: "You are free to make your own choices, of course. I am ready for and wanting a different sort of relationship than what you want. Given that our emotional needs are different right now, I need to part ways so I can focus on following my path to find what i want.

 

If you don't want to end it, then recognize these are her terms. Asking her to do something contrary to her desires does not eliminate the fact that she desired it.

[oneheart]

Dont even bother trying to talk her out of it, she clearly thinks this is acceptable and it is not on any level, tell her to have fun and lose your number

[Ms Darcy]

I know every relationship has its own boundaries, and I thought I'd been clear about mine... but going from your perspective... am I being irrational not wanting her to spend the weekend with him?

 

I don't think you are asking the right question. It doesn't matter if you are being irrational or not. The question is whether or not you would be willing to enforce your boundaries.

 

Because boundaries that remain unenforced just make you look like someone who is all talk with no backbone.

[Ms Darcy]

In my experience, this commentary will be met with (1) insistence that the Texan is not interested, which is a distraction from the main issue, and (2) insistence that she is committed to you, either to keep you or because she really believes it.

 

If memory serves, I think this is what she said the first time she went on a date with this dude while with the OP.

[ParisPaulette]

Sooo "just friends" who met on an airplane and travel long distances and expense to see each other isn't really anything untoward? Um, yeah right. I know this is terrible to say, but ten to one he's married or with someone and they enjoy getting together whenever they can to continue the affair. Childhood friends, cousins, someone that has a common profession or hobby, a male friend you've been introduced to and know yourself is okay and fine. But this reeks of her being with another guy right under your nose and pulling out the "we're just friends" card.

 

You need to sit her down and ask some hard questions. Tell her if she's able to answer these things honestly and without evasion it will greatly ease your mind as to the nature of their "friendship."

 

A. Does he know that she is with you and what does he think of that?

B. What is it the two of them have in common and what interests is the friendship based on?

C. Why is he so willing to travel so far to see her and to pay for her to see him?

D. Does he have a wife, girlfriend or other significant other that knows about her?

E. Have either of them done or said anything of a sexual nature--any kissing, any talk about getting together, any if onlys, anything at all that makes this friendship anything but strictly platonic on either side.

F. You would like to at least talk to this guy on the phone and introduce yourself just to make sure it is all on the up and up, after all you'd do the same thing with her if you had a female friend like this and she needed reassuring that it was all fine.

 

If she gets angry or defensive, keeps trying to change the subject, refuses to let you talk to him, pulls out the "you don't trust me" card or in any way acts anything, but eager to show you it is all above board then all I can tell you is to walk, because at that point you know she's not being honest about who or what this guy is to her. And that's a problem, a big one.

 

And most important, when she cries "you don't trust me" tell her that's true. Trustworthy people don't do odd, suspicious things with people out of sight of their significant others, they don't act evasive, they don't generally spend considerable time and effort and money to look up someone they just met on an airplane. Also trust isn't an automatic assumption, it's a right that has to be earned. And she needs to earn your trust, it's not something you will just blindly hand over to her any more than (hopefully) you would the deed to your house or car. And both of you should understand that.

[toby17]

This reminds me of an ex of mine. She'd do questionable stuff and then I'd constantly have to work out whether I was being unreasonable or not because I didn't like it.

 

I'd constantly be trying to work out if I was being controlling or jealous, while at the same time being sure that the situation was ridiculous.

 

She keeps putting you in these positions. I know you want to do the right thing but with some people there is no right thing, you just have to leave them for your own sanity.

 

In the end, I wish I'd simply cut my losses rather than sticking with it and trying to be reasonable.

[toby17]

Tell her you'd like to fly down too:

(i) to spend the weekend together and

(ii) to meet this really good friend of hers.

 

See what her reaction is, and then see what his reaction is too.

[missmarple]

In a few words: she's slept with him and she will sleep with him again. It's your choice: you either want a g/f at any cost or you want your self-respect.

[Batya33]

In my experience, this commentary will be met with (1) insistence that the Texan is not interested, which is a distraction from the main issue, and (2) insistence that she is committed to you, either to keep you or because she really believes it.

 

I recommend: "You are free to make your own choices, of course. I am ready for and wanting a different sort of relationship than what you want. Given that our emotional needs are different right now, I need to part ways so I can focus on following my path to find what i want.

 

If you don't want to end it, then recognize these are her terms. Asking her to do something contrary to her desires does not eliminate the fact that she desired it.

 

I didn't mean it as a discussion but rather as his explanation as to why he finds this unacceptable and a way to give her one more chance to say "yes you are right - I am canceling the plan and stopping contact with him. I've been behaving like an idiot". One more chance can't hurt I suppose (I would end it automatically but the OP doesn't seem to want to).

 

My husband and I had one difference of opinion in this area many years ago when we were dating . The man in question was not an ex -no romantic involvement although at one time we considered maybe dating but never did. He wanted to catch up with me alone for one hour before meeting up with my boyfriend -first time they were going to meet. He said he had personal matters to talk about.

 

My boyfriend was opposed especially because it was a Friday night and that was our date night. I explained it to the guy, he said he totally understood and we changed our plans. After that he made a point of inviting us as a couple to several events and made a point of doing his best to get to know my future husband -in a very sincere way. I really didn't think my agreeing to meet for an hour was inappropriate but was willing to agree not to do it. Not exactly the same but it certainly wasn't a dealbreaker and it was quickly and successfully resolved. I sort of saw it his way, if not entirely.

[reinventmyself]

""I can't talk her out of seeing him altogether without resenting me.""

No you can't talk her out of anything. People are going to do what they want to do,

However sharing with her how you feel is necessary and sometimes setting boundaries is not a popularity contest.

 

I sense you may be nervous that if pressed she may make a choice and it may not be the choice you want. But honestly what is the alternative? You looking the other way while she does this?

 

I would ask her if she were ok if you went out your way to arrange an out of state trip with a woman she doesn't know. My guess is no.

[FlashEng1]

Leave! it will only get worse.

 

How dare you bring up a 2 year old thread... I was already getting ready to Private Message my boi to get this hotel info of theirs and make a quick visit....

 

I resent you right now bigger -_-; now to go watch some kitten or puppy videos to calm myself down!!