Turning 30 and Facebook.

[reinventmyself]

as I was dumped almost 8 weeks ago by this boyfriend I have just attended the camping trip alone again...single again....with the four couples of which, now, all are married except one- who are due to marry next summer!!

 

Ouch . .that makes my heart hurt for you . .sending you strength and a {{hug}}

[rosie30]

reinventmyself, thankyou. You are so, so kind x

[happpybear]

The medium (facebook) is not the problem, it's the insecurity and inadequacy you feel because you are not following the same life path as the people around you, doesn't matter if you find out through facebook.

 

For example, two of my work colleagues are getting married this weekend, so we are having wedding showers for them this week, two cards have been circulating through our department for people to sign their best wishes. One of my single colleagues came up to me today to whine about it, about how most of the people in the dept. are either married or getting married, and have had kids or are going to have kids--we have had a lot of wedding/baby showers in the past few months.

 

She is internalizing it and using this happy occasion to feel sorry for herself. Totally understandable, but, you have to work to counter these feelings of inadequacy so that you can face other peoples' happy life moments without feeling like crap about yourself. So that you don't have to delete facebook--because even if you delete it, other peoples' "happy news" will still find you through a different medium.

 

Work on feeling better about yourself as a single person, easier said then done, but just keep the faith that one day you will meet the right guy. I like to think that everyday is a gift in that respect, today might be the day that you meet the love of your life, he could be just around the corner right now! How exciting is that? Sounds like a damn good reason to get out of bed and face the day with a smile and a positive attitude, no?

[ManyDates]

I think your primary problem is being on facebook. I'm not on there and don't regret it at all. My life is not perfect, but I am not further bombarded by stuff on facebook or sucked into wasting my time with all the other junk on there.

 

This ^

 

I deleted mine permanently 3 years ago and it's been a great decision.

 

FYI Yale University predicts a massive FB exodus starting in 2015 and by 2018 only 20% of the members will remain

[Patrick974]

This ^

 

I deleted mine permanently 3 years ago and it's been a great decision.

 

FYI Yale University predicts a massive FB exodus starting in 2015 and by 2018 only 20% of the members will remain

 

Yep - just like MySpace, I can't wait to witness FB downfall. *grabs pop corn*

 

People are just too involved with everyone's life.

[MsAdorkable]

This ^

 

I deleted mine permanently 3 years ago and it's been a great decision.

 

FYI Yale University predicts a massive FB exodus starting in 2015 and by 2018 only 20% of the members will remain

 

Really? I'm curious to see if that happens. I remember way back when MySpace was all the rage and people swore it would never die out. I never made an account and never regretted it. Now people are like MySpace who? LOL. I won't mind if the same happens with Facebook, Twitter, or any of the others.

[Batya33]

I agree but I think part of the problem is that people go overboard with the bridal and baby showers especially at work where co-workers are a captive audience.

[faraday]

I love fb...I really do find that it helps me to stay connected. Most of my relatives live a $3000 flight away, so I don't get to see them as often as I'd like...it nice to see pictures of my cousins children growing up (and getting their own fb accounts) and pics of friends vacations (so I don't have to sit there looking at their tiny phone screen at dinner next time we meet-we can just talk about their trip) I also love how easy creating an event is on there, and how when someone replies, it goes to everyone (as opposed to trying to set up a potluck by mass email and there's always a few dummies who reply only to the sender so no one knows what they're bringing)...Idk...many of my friends are married and many of them are engaged....and...I'm happy for them. Their life is not mine. I don't want their lives. I don't want to marry any of their husbands...or date any of their bfs. So...why would I be jealous or feel sad about their SO's?

 

Anyway, it's not about fb...it's about the way you feel about the place you're in. 30 is kind of a big deal. I think everyone has an idea of where they thought they'd be at 30....and when you realize your expectations don't match your reality, it can be quite depressing. I thought I'd be married...I thought I would live in a different place, be farther along in my business....but...that's okay....because I really love my life. I'm happy. I've had the option to get married....a few times. I declined, I'm looking for love. Real love.

 

And I think that's really the issue here...finding your own happiness. What changes can you make in your life to be the most authentic, happy you?

 

Have you seen this TED talk?

 

link removed

 

It's about being MORE picky to meet your match...not less. And I know for me....when I got really specific about what I wanted, I stopped wasting my time and optimism on guys that weren't going to work for me....and I started meeting guys that were more "hits" than "misses".

 

 

 

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[faraday]

Also...try following things on fb that humbly mix in with the friend posts...I follow Humans of New York....TED...a few funnier posters like Alton Brown....and a bunch of interior designers, because I love that kind of thing. Just try to mix it up a bit and don't focus on the things that don't make you happy.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Di84]

Thanks for all your posts. I really enjoyed reading all of your opinions on this. It's nice to know that most people agree that facebook has exploded with this need to be validated by posting constant pictures of people's happiness (i.e. engagements and baby pictures). Look, don't get me wrong. I truly am happy for all these people that have found love and are having babies. It's nice to see the ocasional picture of their baby or wedding. But I just think people have become obsessed with displaying this happiness non stop. Clearly, people have become so self obsessed now that there is social networking and people are always seeking validation. I get it. I also know that people only show the good times on facebook and don't show the bad times. So all we seem to see on facebook is how (supposedly) happy everyone is.

 

Anyway, I know it's more of an internal thing I am dealing with here and not so much my facebook itself. Clearly, I want these things but like someone else said in their post on this thread - I do not look at my friends on fb and wish I was marrying who they are marrying, I do not wish I had 3 babies right now on maternity leave and I do not wish to be in any of their shoes. There is not one person on my fb that I think is in a better place than I am. It's just that seeing these things on a daily basis is a constant reminder that at the end of the day, I come home to no one.

[Batya33]

"I do not look at my friends on fb and wish I was marrying who they are marrying, I do not wish I had 3 babies right now on maternity leave and I do not wish to be in any of their shoes."

 

I think you do want to be in their shoes generally - find someone who is a good match for you and start a family. And that's perfectly understandable. I always found that the healthiest relationships were those where the person involved didn't have to shout about their good fortune from the rooftop (or the facebook rooftop). You are right that Facebook might have normalized all that shouting. I don't think comparing in any way is going to make you feel better -what those people have chosen to do is irrelevant whether or not it came easy to them, or hard, or whatever. You have to hold fast to that mantra - because it's so tempting to go the comparison route.

[Jean-Luc]

Would absolutely agree with this statement 100%. There are so many things to do and so many other people to get involved and/or do things with that anybody that is less then almost perfect to someone gets cut loose and the person that did the cutting loose just moves on to something or someone else. Our society is slowly degrading when it comes to meaningful relationships and friendships and as far as being forgiving and understanding as well.

[Batya33]

Would absolutely agree with this statement 100%. There are so many things to do and so many other people to get involved and/or do things with that anybody that is less then almost perfect to someone gets cut loose and the person that did the cutting loose just moves on to something or someone else. Our society is slowly degrading when it comes to meaningful relationships and friendships and as far as being forgiving and understanding as well.

 

So sorry you've had that type of experience. I have not -actually the opposite. I moved to a brand new city 5 years ago where I knew no one (from a city where I had lived for over 4 decades -my whole life) and I made it my business to meet new people. It was and is a slow process but I've made a number of good friends over the past 5 years who are reliable and generous in spirit -and fun! I think it depends on attitude, expectations and the effort/time you're willing to put in (including the effort to be reliable about keeping in touch and meeting up - I know I'm too busy and not patient enough for flakiness, for example).

[notalady]

Would absolutely agree with this statement 100%. There are so many things to do and so many other people to get involved and/or do things with that anybody that is less then almost perfect to someone gets cut loose and the person that did the cutting loose just moves on to something or someone else. Our society is slowly degrading when it comes to meaningful relationships and friendships and as far as being forgiving and understanding as well.

 

Agree with Batya, I haven't found the same experience either. I have good friends (and a couple of best friends) from all stages of life, middle school (16 years of friendship), high school (12 years), university (10 years), my past jobs (6,7 years) and current job (about 5 years) and often find it fascinating to think about how long I've been friends with these people and feel grateful that I have them. We don't always talk but I know I can count on a lot of them if I need to and vice versa, and will catch up/talk when we can. With some of them I find myself making more effort than them to keep in touch or initiate meeting up, but that's understandable given many of them are married with kids, which keeps them plenty busy plus work. It doesn't bother me. Same as Batya, I've also gone out to actively meet people, and met some really nice people I had become friends with.

 

The only people I cut loose are the ones I was never really "friends" with to begin with - ie We were only friends because we went to the same class, worked at the same place and you were friendly enough to hang out sometimes outside of those places, but you know once you leave those places for good, you're not going to stay friends.

[arexniba]

My personal opinion is that everything else in your life is going well, however, deep down you feel a void. You are questioning "why am I not in a relationship yet?" Truth is, you've been busy getting to the place where you are at now. Having a good job, having great friends, your own place that you love, etc.

I'll be honest, I'm almost close to 30 myself, and I am slowly getting to where I want to be with my own goals. I have a good job, but it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life. My passion has always been to become a lawyer.

Also, I don't have a place of my own yet because rent in the Bay Area is ridiculous (approximately $1500/mo. for 1 room).

Lastly, I too, am not married. However, I almost was once (6 years ago) and realize now, it was a bullet I dodged.

 

Nevertheless, I am studying for the LSAT and have finished preparing the rest of my "package" for law school applications.

I've decided to wipe away my debts and save money for the possibility of moving out of town/state for law school rather then throwing it away on useless things.

And after 6 years, I am seeing someone that I connect with. And I'm ready for the experience.

 

My point is, we all take steps differently to aspire to the goals we set in place. I have friends that were married and had children a few years after high school. Some divorced. Others that had amazing career opportunities in their early 20's, and some that still haven't found their happiness.

I realized that although 30 seems to be an "old" age. It really isn't. People are doing more things around this age (30-38) then before. I think it's because of technology. And it's also great because by this age we've all been through so much that we have come to know what we TRULY want and DON'T want.

 

As for you being "picky." I don't think that's the case. I just feel you're forcing yourself into something that you're unsure of. The same way you took your time to reach happiness in other things in your life, should be the same stride you take in finding a serious relationship.

[John John]

I only skimmed some of the posts on this thread, but I get the overall premise. And I have to say, as just having turned 30, I share many of your sentiments. Just skimming through my FB newsfeed was brutal when I was going through my breakup last year. As time went on, it wasn't as painful, but I have found that it has a way of making me feel very lonely. It seems everyone that I know is engaged/married/having kids. I know we're not supposed to compare ourselves to others and we all have our own path in life, yadda yadda yadda...but I'm human, and it does affect me at times.

 

I deactivated my FB account in January, and I haven't missed it one bit. Even before my breakup, I was mostly only using it to skim through my newsfeed and comment on others' statuses, and occasionally update my own status. I feel like FB has become very impersonal. I dunno, I started not to be into it too much before the breakup, but after the breakup, I realized that it was kinda making things worse for me. I currently have zero desire to reactivate my account.

[John John]

Yep - just like MySpace, I can't wait to witness FB downfall. *grabs pop corn*

 

People are just too involved with everyone's life.

 

 

I agree with this 100%. I hate FB lol. I'll sit next to you and we can share that popcorn and enjoy FB's downfall together hahaha. I have no desire to go back to it. The ONLY aspect of it that I miss is staying in touch with more distant relatives that I wouldn't normally call or text. But as I'm getting older, now I'm more abt to reach out to them the old fashioned way.

[Iggles]

The missing of my ex was the worst part, the wishing he was still there, but this wasn't helped by that familiar feeling of being, yet again, the only one who was single. It was very lonely, despite being surrounded by friends. Not helped by a few dismissive and a little insensitive comments from one friend (who has never experienced losing a partner). It makes me feel dysfunctional...that how come they have found love, and kept it and I cannot.

 

Sorry you're going through this.

 

It amazes me at times the lack of empathy some people display. Life isn't all roses, and all relationships have highs and lows.

[chr8st8na]

I turned 30 last month and never had a FB... so is that why I am okay being single? LOL

 

Probably BUT a lot of the sentiments expressed were the sentiments I felt last year.

 

I still wonder and think about it some of these fears/sentiments but it's not as intense any more because I know how to keep my mind off of it. Working helps to an extent but days off and nights, you wonder about it. So now I just make plans instead of lingering on it...

 

There are a lot of singles out there you can mingle with and meetup grps for singles. I know people hate looking for new friends but seriously if your friends turn you in to sour grapes, then you really aren't helping yourself too.

 

go to the gym whenever you can... being healthy physically improves your emotional state of mind... personally, even tho ive been celibate for awhile, love that i can check the opposite sex out and still feel arousal, lol.

 

hobbies hobbies hobbies... get back to old hobbies and pick up new hobbies.

 

make plans and stick with it...

 

also i know its a California thing, but everyone should hike by themselves every week or other week... it really makes you feel ok being on your own with nothing except you and your natural surrounding.

 

Cheers!

[Di84]

Ahh how I wish I lived in Cali! I would totally take advantage of the great outdoors in a place like that. Unfortunately, where I live, winters hit hard (-40 degrees) and are super long. So you can only imagine how much more difficult being single feels during the winter months when you literally meet no one new because people don't even want to leave their homes!

 

I think that being single for such a long time is never easy as we all crave love and affection but being on facebook, opposed to being off it, make it slightly worse. Most of my friends are not single... but I have made many new single friends at work so I am ok when it comes to friends. I just want to say that Facebook hasn't made me bitter (although it sounds that way!!) - it just makes me sad, at times. But it doesn't make me hate these people that are super happy or wtv.

 

During the day when I am at work, I don't feel the pain about being single and lonely. Heck, I don't even have time to think about myself at work. It's just when the evenings and weekends come that I feel super lonely. Weekends are especially hard. Everyone's got their stuff going on and most of my friends would rather be doing stuff with their husbands than me (normal of course). Thank God I have a dog because she keeps me company and I have her to hug when I need affection! haha.

 

The other thing that is just brutal is not having sex. I am going a little crazy as it's been a while. I can no longer have no strings sex anymore and I've reached a point that I refuse to sleep with someone unless they actually want a relationship with me (I used to be a little more 'free' when it came to sex but I've change dramatically now). So this makes me wonder- will I ever have sex again if I can't find someone to even date?! LOL

[Ms Darcy]

The other thing that is just brutal is not having sex. I am going a little crazy as it's been a while. I can no longer have no strings sex anymore and I've reached a point that I refuse to sleep with someone unless they actually want a relationship with me (I used to be a little more 'free' when it came to sex but I've change dramatically now). So this makes me wonder- will I ever have sex again if I can't find someone to even date?! LOL

 

That's definitely a rough one. I hope you have a pink rabbit!

[Di84]

That's definitely a rough one. I hope you have a pink rabbit!

 

HAHA Ms Darcy - thanks for the laugh!! I do not... I always worried that if I got that pink rabbit, I'd never leave my house and look for a man again! LMAO. Thinking it might be time to suck it up and buy one hahaha...