To tell a straight man Im trans??

[Glamourice]

Hi, my first post here! Great forum it seems too!

 

So I'm a 26 year old post op transgender woman and I've always been attracted to men and dated a few. I've gone both routes, where I do come out as trans and ones where I keep my mouth shut. I have to admit I like the latter better. I've had the surgery, look and sound the part reasonably well as I started young, and all I've ever wanted was to fit in with the 'average' woman, so why spoil it? I've gone through a lot of physical, emotional, and financial pain to get where I am today.

 

I'm not facing this right now but it is interesting to hear others' opinions on it. Thank you for reading!

[missmarple]

I would be honest about it from the beginning just in case someone found out later and reacted in a bad way. Why risk it?

[oitnb]

I would be honest from the start.

[Fudgie]

I'll probably get crap for this but I think it's best to be honest overall. I wouldn't want to date a trans person. I am a biological female and I only want to date biological males. Of course, I would say this to a date at some point so it's not like it would be a mystery. I would feel extremely deceived if I made that known to a partner and then later found out that they were trans. Because essentially, they would know my preference and I was being lied to. I would dump them.

 

Overall, I think honesty is best. Maybe they don't want to date a trans women, maybe they don't care. I would maybe ask early.

 

You may run into a lot of men who won't go for you but you know, there are men who want to date trans women. You will find them.

[sleepingdonut]

Putting the other person's feelings aside, and just thinking of your own well-being, it's still in your best interest to be honest from the beginning. If you're not, you'll always have this "what-if" in your gut, wondering how accepting the person you're with would be if they knew the whole truth. It's likely to cause you some anxiety that will never go away and that may even get worse over the course of the relationship. The best relationship would be with someone that can accept you fully for both your past and present, with nothing hidden. You're just going to feel so much better in a relationship like that. So why cheat yourself out of it?

[catfeeder]

If we were talking about a situation where nobody would ever know or need to know in the future, then you'd be golden keeping your mouth shut. But do you really want to spend the course of your relationship hiding something that your partner could stumble accross at any time?

 

That might seem like the most carefree way to date casually, but when you meet the person for whom you catch feelings, don't you want to be able to enjoy that without feeling deceptive?

 

I'd get it out of the way as a screening device on date One. From there you'll be able to carry on with nothing hanging over your head.

 

EnjOy!

[mg22]

Simple , be honest.

[misssmithviii]

Putting the other person's feelings aside, and just thinking of your own well-being, it's still in your best interest to be honest from the beginning. If you're not, you'll always have this "what-if" in your gut, wondering how accepting the person you're with would be if they knew the whole truth. It's likely to cause you some anxiety that will never go away and that may even get worse over the course of the relationship. The best relationship would be with someone that can accept you fully for both your past and present, with nothing hidden. You're just going to feel so much better in a relationship like that. So why cheat yourself out of it?

 

I agree with this completely.

[je55ie]

Honesty is necessary. But only when appropriate. We all have something that could be a deal-breaker, but that it wouldn't be appropriate to tell someone right away. We wouldn't tell someone right away that we were raped, or want 7 kids, or have a swim-cap fetish, for example. We all have secrets we keep from the general public, but should tell a partner when we become close and intimate. Anything could be a deal breaker. I bet there are a lot of people out there who are all like, "I wouldn't date a trans person" just as someone wouldn't date a "black person" or a "fat person" or whatever. Unlike a lot of "-isms" out there you have the advantage of not wearing yours so out in the open. Let people get to know you, the *real you* and then do let them know when it feels right. That's my vote.

I have a mental illness that would be a deal-breaker for every man I met if I told them about it from the beginning, but anyone who knows me well is going to know about it. I don't see your situation as being any different.

[lukeb]

To me it would be something on par with not being able to conceive children which you obviously are not able to, and that is something that should be disclosed at some point. Mentally and physically you are a woman so I don't see a problem with the fact that you wouldn't disclose this at a first date, but it would have to be fairly early on before things get "more serious". It is a judgement call.

[lavenderdove]

I think you need to disclose early on. Some men will just never ever be comfortable with the idea, and other men it won't bother at all. And eventually they will find out one way or another, unless you totally cut off your prior life and family and friends so that nobody who knows your history knows you. But then you will still be taking hormones and not able to have children, so eventually the truth will out, and a man not comfortable with the idea will dump you regardless, so best not to get too attached before that happens.

 

So best to just look for a man who is comfortable with the situation from the get go.

[Silverbirch]

I will differ from other opinions here and say that this is your business. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and that you should only disclose it to people who you feel comfortable in doing so. . . However, having said that, if you do decide to marry, you should only consider that with a person you feel comfortable in telling them pretty much anything about yourself. All the best.

[lerenard]

I think you should be straight forward as soon as you feel like you are getting serious. There surely is no need to scream "I am transgender!" at your first date, but I think your boyfriend deserves to know.

 

However, having said that, if you do decide to marry... I don't really agree with that. They can spend several years together before that! I would feel deceived.

 

It doesn't matter how much time and money OP invested in becoming a woman, she was still born male, and for some this is a deal breaker. They should know right away (read - if they are getting serious) and not after sometime, before wedding or something. If you have a talk with your boyfriend and he never wants to have kids of his own, and makes no difference between born woman and transgender women - you can keep that to yourself, maybe. But if not - this is basically keeping a secret so big, that it will some day blow up and damage a lot of lives.

[Iggles]

OP, on your other thread you disclosed you have been seeing your guy for 8 months. Most people, whether they have no problem dating a transgender person or not, would feel that the length of time dating is enough to have already been informed by their significant other.

 

If you're worried he's going to react badly, then that's probably a sign that you two shouldn't be together in the long run. If a relationship is sustained by omitting something, then the other party generally would feel deceived.

[regular joe]

If you have fully transitioned physically from male to female. I believe you should tell him before things get serious and before you two get physical. If it is just one or two dates then maybe no. However, a lot of guys would freak out and maybe even get violent if you kissed or even more to find out you were once a man.