Adoption Option - and why so many consider it to not be an option at all.

[TrinityNevada]

I grew up in a household that was very strict and very religious. When my school taught sex-ed, they separated the boys from the girls in grades 6-12. Now, that makes sense because when you're young, puberty is scary and embarrassing and you're more likely to ask certain qusetions. Or, certain information simply doesn't pertain to you anyway. We had boxes we could drop questions into and we simply checkmarked "boy" or "girl". The teacher answered these questions but was allowed to use discernment and not answer some (some were stupid such as "what if I have sex with a bird?" and others were too easy to identify the asker). When we hit on topics in the later years such as abortion, we were told "it's wrong. period" When we came up to birth control, we knew that if we wanted more information, we could call the Health Department and find out. We had to have permission from our parents to hear about all the different types and the other places (very few) in town who offered them without telling the child's parents. Roughly half the parents said, "Nope. My child is going ito abstain, they don't need to know that".

 

The probelm is that they said (in school) that if you got pregnant by accident, adoption was the way to go if you did not want to or could not take care of a child. They said to approach one of the teachers, the nurse, or one of the nuns for counseling on adoption agencies. However. There were two girls who got pregnant before we graduated (we had a class of 75 and I know MANY of them who did get pregnant had either switched schools or dropped out because out school had a HUGE stigma against it). Both girls were strongly encouraged to continue their classes at HOME where we wouldn't have to see that. Both girls stayed and got a LOT of crap from other parents about how appalled they were. (I went to school there from 1983-1997, so it wasn't the dark ages) Both girls wanted to put the child up for adoption. Both girls were talked out of it. Why? Well, one boy had "rights" but oh ... he had a basketball scholarship coming up and needed to leave for college but his parents paid the medical biills (no health department or women's center for her, not with their grand child). They also paid her parents a HUGE amount of money so he could "put this behind him". She never got to put it behind her. The second girl, the guy wanted nothing to do with her but her parents told her that there was too much help and too many resources and too many family membesr who could oversee her parenting until she got on her feet. She got the cold shoulder from nearly everyone because she was being "selfish" and putting the child up for adoption.

 

This happened to me when I got pregnant, and to many other women I know. Some kept the child because "it was the right thing" or because they were in their 20's and there was too much help out there. Adoption, we were told, was just selfish and irresponsible and abandonment. In my case, my ex boyfriend became VERY angry at the suggestion but he wasn't fit to be a fulltime parent. His mother wanted TEMPORARY custody but that meant that he was going to pawn our child off on whomever and I didn't like his lifestyle. I had been doing inappropriate/illegal things up until that point and I'd wanted COMPLETELY out. I wanted our CHILD out of that too. I was afraid to give my child to strangers and my family was furous that I'd gotten pregnant in the first place and that it was good that I'd gotten pregnant because it would force me to grow up. My child is just fine and while I haven't seen his dad until eight months ago (facebook), we get along well enough and he's paying back child support. I think I did the best job I could but the "I can't believe you were rgoing to give him up" comments have NOT stopped.

 

I know too many women who lost their kids to the state (I volunteer for several groups) because of addiction or because of how the father/a boyfriend treated their child. These women come from all backgrounds: quiet suburbs, deeply religiious (and overly sheltering) families, or a poor, urban, drug-infested family. They range from street-smart to very naive. Quite a few of them (who say they would never admit it to anyone but me) say they wanted to put the child/children up for adoption from day one. But where they came from, you didn't even bring that up. All those backgrounds and it is NOT considered OK. I've had many tell me that they were told that adoption is for the "desperate" or those who have no support or abilities. Or, if the state MAKES you give them up.

 

I find this incredibly heartbreaking and have been told more than once

 

Has anyone spoken to anyone on this topic or had experiences where people act horrified at the very idea of it? Why do you think this is so?

[Seraphim]

I think adoption is a great option. It gives the gift of a child to a couple who can't have one on their own. And it gives the child the gift of parents and family who can give the child all the support the child needs that it's birth parents might not have been able to do.

[Seraphim]

I only know one girl who got pregnant in high school and her parents adopted her baby. And her child called her Aunt.... They did tell the child though that that was their biological mother.

[Cheetarah]

I could never, ever go through with adoption. I could not carry that baby in my belly for 9 months, see their face and then give them to another family. I would back out, I know it. When I talk to a lot of women about terminations especially if they've had them, I do hear that a lot. That they couldn't bring themselves to go through that and then live it for the rest of their lives. It sounds like a heart wrenching thing.

 

I think generally speaking, I run accross more people that understand/support adoption rather than termination.

[Seraphim]

I could never, ever go through with adoption. I could not carry that baby in my belly for 9 months, see their face and then give them to another family. I would back out, I know it. When I talk to a lot of women about terminations especially if they've had them, I do hear that a lot. That they couldn't bring themselves to go through that and then live it for the rest of their lives. It sounds like a heart wrenching thing.

 

I think generally speaking, I run accross more people that understand/support adoption rather than termination.

 

Yes ,I know for sure for myself that I would never be able to give up any child. I think those who can are truly wonderful people and realize that other people could offer more to their child.

[Seraphim]

But let me qualify my statement a bit. When I say offer more I mean in the situation of where somebody's a teenager ,they have no way to support themselves ,they have drug problems no support that kind of issue. Normal capable adults I believe are capable of looking after their own children.

[Batya33]

I think adoption is a great option. I don't think I would have been able to do that personally. I took immense precautions -including abstaining - so that if an accidental pregnancy happened despite precautions I most likely would have married the father and raised the child. I never had an accidental pregnancy.

[journeynow]

I support adoption as well, but from an outsiders perspective since I'm not adopted nor have given up a child for adoption. I think adoption could be better supported in our society. It certainly isn't an easy choice.

 

I strongly believe that two people should have the "what if" discussion before they have sex. If they can't agree on how they would handle unexpected parenthood they should stop there.

[Realitynut]

I think adoption is the MOST SELFLESS act of loving your child! I knew that if i ever became pregnant while young (20's) I would terminate it as soon as possible. I could hardly take care of myself!!!

 

But when i was getting married at age 32...and lost a baby at only 2 months....i was such a crying mess, they had to lead me through the back rooms of the hospital to the parking lot. (this was 27 years ago...and weeks before my wedding) So i don't know how i would have reacted at having an abortion.

 

I know for a FACT...that if i carried a child to full term, i would never be able to give him/her up.

 

So for that reason only....i give the mother (and father if involved) my utmost respect. It takes a LOT of love for that child, knowing that the child will have a better life, than the one with me.

 

There are also instances, that you can look online for couples looking to adopt. They will pay for medical bills, you can meet them, and often you can be involved in your childs life too!

 

I think adoption is a great thing, and i wish adopting wasn't so darn expensive! Also, the stigma of raising a child out of wedlock isn't so great now....and people are opting to keep the child. Whether they are financially, or emotionally ready....that is another story....

 

So my hats off to those that love their child enough to give that child up...knowing it will have a much better life.

[oitnb]

I have no problem with adoption. I can't say, if i got pregnant young, wether I'd do an adoption or not. It never happened so I guess I don't have to worry about it.

 

If it wasn't for adoption I wouldn't be here my mother adopted me.

[lavenderdove]

I've never met anyone who's acted horrified at the idea of adoption, though I've met plenty who are horrified at the idea of abortion.

 

I think it is a deeply personal choice, and many people avoid adoption because they know they absolutely do not have it in them to give up a child they carry and give birth to (or that they fathered) to someone else. So if they know they cannot raise the child themselves for whatever reason and it is really the wrong circumstances to have a child at that time, they choose abortion rather than adoption.

 

It is not because they are against adoption per se, they just know they just believe that is not the right choice for them so they choose to abort or keep the baby depending on whether they feel they can raise it themselves or with the help of family members.

[OptomisticGirl]

The large part of this is down to your beliefs.

 

I personally believe the abortion rates are high (and I am not against abortion in anyway) because some parents don't do enough to teach their children about sex and the consequences if you don't protect yourself. Either the parent is to shy or their beliefs aren't aligned with it. I had so many classmates end up pregnant while we were in school because they simply had no information - they thought they couldn't get pregnant the first time or if you peed after sex, the pull out method was a good method (all the idiot sex rumors you hear).

[petite]

I'm pro-choice. Everyone should have that right to make the best decision for themselves and for the child. On the other hand I personally would never give up my biological child. I just am not the type that would be able to do that. It would be like giving a piece of me away and I'd be miserable. I'm also in support of adoption, I think it's selfless and if the child will go to a good home then of course I'm in support of it. We have adopted children in my extended family and no one treats them any different than those that are 'blood' related or biological siblings/cousins etc.

However, all that said, I'm also not one that would adopt a child. I'm just one of those people that would be worried about loving the child enough or whether I'd love it as much as my biological child. So I wouldn't want to take that step and then stress over whether I'm doing enough as a parent. For me it's instantaneous/natural to just love my biological child but I would be worried about how much I'd love a child that wasn't biologically mine. And wouldn't ever want that child to feel any less loved or neglected or anything. So I'd say I'm not a good candidate for adoption in that sense.

Then again, had I not been able to have my own child maybe I'd really look at adoption differently for myself.

[poetryandlyrics]

 

 

I believe people should make the choice themselves because any choices to be made are gonna be incredibly difficult so it's their journey to make. Only they know the best choice to make.

 

I don't really like the no sex education in school. It isn't informational and statistics do show that those schools comes with kids having kids or some such in comparison to schools with a sex education. If people want sex, they're gonna do sex. Informing them what they can do reduces the risks of pregnancies and sti. I would prefer the parents to actually have a conversation about it, too, but some parents don't. Mine didn't. I didn't want to do sex until I was legal because I knew my aunt dropped out of high school due to pregnancy. I didn't want that happening to me. I had a better sex education in college. I took a lot of sex and gender classes (psychology, sociology, anthropology, etc) during my first two years in college so you can imagine me wanting to find out. I feel educated about it now. I believe education is the way to go with some self esteem in regards to it.

 

I personally wouldn't want to adopt mine out because I know the adoption isn't always gonna be a good thing. It's overpopulated and whatever. I'm very, very careful not to get pregnant. I do want to have kids when I'm ready, with the guy I trust, and I do want to adopt as well. I know I have it in me to love all kids no matter where they came from without discrimination.

[Snny]

I have dated a guy who was adopted. He was given a much better life with his foster parents than he would have from his biological mother (who was 16 at the time when she gave birth).

 

I have met/taught so many children whom were adopted. Based on my personal observations, adopted children typically have better family support than most children coming from single parent families- not to mention higher academic success rate. Please don't mistake me for saying that all children from single parents will end up in failure, but it is 10x tougher to raise one on your own than with the help of two parents, and I have seen very few single moms or dads be able to support their kids efficiently through school or at home.

 

Abortion can be emotionally scarring. The only time I would support it is if the woman was raped or if the pregnancy would cause implications and could endanger her health.

 

I'm pro-life. Sex is a responsibility and it comes with a price. Anytime you decide to have sex, you need to speak with your partner about the consequences and how you each would handle them if a pregnancy were to occur. If you cannot have that conversation, then you shouldn't be having sex, period.

[TrinityNevada]

Thank you for all of your answers. I wish that myself and those other women/girls would have gotten that level of support. Sadly, there are a lot of people I run into who do not support it and feel that it is selfish. I know many women who lost their kids to the state or temporarily to foster care and broke their necks to get them back ... only to lose them again. It was in part because they really didn't want to be mothers in the first place. It's heartbreaking to have to tell the state AND YOUR CHILD and your family/supporters "I can't do this anymore" They usually say, "We're helpnig you, follow the rules and start doing right." "You don't say you can't take care of your kid anymore or that you should have put him or her up for adoption. You.just.dont."

[Fudgie]

I can't imagine adoption being selfish. Not at all! I've heard of many people admitting that they couldn't do it (either put a child up for adoption/adopt a child) but I've never heard anyone put down adoption. So many couples want to have a child to raise and love and can't and adoption allows them to be able to do that.

[lukeb]

I think the adoption as a concept is widely accepted and approved of and considered a selfless act theoretically, but there is some truth to it perceived very differently when it is happening in their immediate family and the biological father and his immediate family. So there is some truth to what the OP is saying. We place a very high value on blood relations, often to the detriment of a lot of children who are put back into abusive/neglectful situations because we consider it to be such an important thing for the child to be with its biological family. Those are the reasons why we like to profess that adoption is such a great idea but very often perceived differently when it is happening to them or their family. Generally speaking though of course adopted children are well received in their adopted families, they are extra and really no threat to the biological families that they become part of.

[sidehop]

To me what matters the most is that the child has a loving family and parents (straight, single parent, gay, whatever) to guide them to a better adulthood. That's more crucial than someone judging others about if or not adoption is a bad thing. It's like when people criticize others who have chosen not to have children, get married early/late or just don't go along with what's generally accepted in any given culture.