superfan Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 This is a catch 22, because it sounds like you genuinely care for her but that you also see her as a "project" that needs to be worked on. I get that you have said you are trying to get away from the "porn star" style of sex you seem to have gotten used to, but so far that doesn't appear to be working. Consider this: you have mentioned feeling jealous because other guys have noticed her. That's because she is seen by other men as desiarable. There are other men out there who would rate her more than a "6". It does sound like you are still in a 'frat boy' phase. And keep in mind that while having a physical preference is more than understandable, there is NO way a woman will be able to keep up that "perfect body" forever. Middle age, pregnancy, hormone changes, these all mean that eventually she will no longer have that physique you crave. If you feel you NEED that in your partner to be happy, then you will be constantly disappointed. Bottom line: If you are going into the relationship with a laundry list of things you are hoping you can change about her, then it is probably not going to work. Link to comment
Realitynut Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 Dang it all...i wrote that before i read all the posts...and boy there were some GREAT ones! My 'rep' button is going to get worn out!!! lol anyway...how the heck did i miss wanting an open relationship? GOOOOLLY! Believe me, if and when you love a girl...and you already are the jealous kind..you wouldn't want her to be screwing another dude!! Oh...what? Oh...you want to be screwing another WOMAN.....got it. Poor girl. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 I think that people have pretty consistently given you advice to move on. Actually, that's not true. But the majority has. Link to comment
MisUnderstood9 Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 Porn is bad in my opinion. Ya its good to use it when your single and needs to "relieve some stress" or you want to introduce something new and fun into a relationship but other than that, I wouldnt want a relationship (a sexual relationship that is) exactly like porn. Sex with your parnter is about how you and your parnter are feeling at that moment. It can be romantic, slow and amazing - you can have angry, I hate you, just had an argument sex - I want you right now and I dont care sex... its completely different in every situation within the relationship. Sex is something thats supposed to bring the two of you closer in a relationship. If your craving something in the sex, VOCALIZE it. Nothing is worse then having to guess what the other person wants. As for if your being to picky, I think you're being a little unrealistic in my opinion. The women your describing you want, well exists in PORN not in real life. You need to stop comparing her or any women for that matter to the women you see in porn. However, I do agree with other people who have posted that she sounds definitely more invested in the relationship than you are and maybe you need to take a step back and look at this whole situation and think about if its something that you really want to continue before something major happens that hurts her deeply or you at the same time. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 Well, it's good that you are aware of this all and you are working to change it. But, and here I am going to diverge, I am going to tell you that if you are trying to force feelings you don't have then the fact is you just don't have them. Bottom line. I've done the whole, "Well, he's not exactly my ideal, but eh I'll go along with it." Actually it's exactly that mindset that got me married at the age of 19 and divorced a decade later. And don't get me wrong, my ex-husband is a good man. He's funny, smart, handsome and the father of two of my kids. He's just not and never was the man for me. And he felt much the same about me, so we were never each other's ideal anythings. Fortunately in the end we let each other go and found other people who are our ideals. He's even jokingly thanked me for granting him that divorce in the years since the day we cried our eyes out in a lawyer's office ironing details out about who got the kids, property etc. So should you stay with this girl or try to keep pursuing a relationship with her? Only you really can answer that, but you have to take a few steps back and ask yourself what would happen tomorrow if an exotic woman wanted you for a one-night stand or to be lover on the side with zero relationship potential and her even making fun or you or being totally disinterested in you as a person. Would you just be like, "Yeah right, not what I'm looking for." Or would you seriously entertain how to keep your girlfriend in the dark, so you could sleep with this woman and basically have two women each giving you part of what you need since you think you can't have everything in one? And yes, it's a serious question to ask yourself.It really sounds like you need to keep looking for someone who is your ideal. And by ideal I don't necessarily mean she has to be exotic and perfect, I mean finding the woman that you love so much you don't care about her imperfections or the little stuff. Yes, that woman is out there regardless of what she looks like or what sexual positions she gets into. No one in your life, not even the most physically perfect exotic woman of your dreams, is flawless and will fit every little box in your head of things you'd like in a partner. No one. But the difference between "just good enough" and "perfect" in a relationship has more to do with in the end you just don't really care if they're not a movie star type you love them for who they are good and bad together. I'd even say given my fairly extensive dating and relationship experience that the best relationships I've ever had were just as much about the fact that the guy, at his very worst, was still someone I loved and was happy to have by my side above anyone else. Put another way I wouldn't want to be with a guy who felt about me the way you seem to feel about her. I've learned not to accept being someone's "almost" when I can be someone's "all". BTW if you really are an open relationship kind of person then you need to speak up about that first the very get-go and be prepared when someone you're with doesn't want that. Open relationships as an attempt to keep from feeling bad about lusting after others or to escape the label of cheating don't really usually work. And you pretty much have to be just as okay with your SO sleeping with or dating other men as you do with your side of things. Or it isn't an honest relationship no matter what you call. Link to comment
Realitynut Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 WOW PP...you found at least TWO good men??? Geez how come i can't find ONE??? lol In the perfect world, we might be able to find the 'perfect for me' guy...but that is not always the case. My sis didn't get married until she was 48. I would never have picked the guy...but she did. They have been married only 5 years, and i KNOW she doesn't think he is perfect...or vice versa! lol He told her at the very beginning he had a problem being controlling. And in my mind...so does she!!! lol Power struggle. But they also know divorce is NOT an option. I would think if the OP hasn't had a relationship for 10 years, maybe he better look long and hard at the dating pool he has been eyeing. And wonder why he always comes up short! I feel if he decides to pursue a relationship with this woman, he better change his mindset. To me he is not 'picky' but shallow. The guy my sis dated before her husband ticked off all the boxes. Catholic, single/no kids, Conservative....etc. He just didn't do it for her in the 'bed' department. She thought since he was everything she was looking for, she would GROW to love him. She grew to hate him...lol The guy she married WASN'T Catholic, had been married for 30 years, tons of kids, 15 grandkids...but was conservative and into his religion. Which was important to her. Attraction is a funny thing. It's either there or it isn't. But really, I do believe it starts off as attraction...and grows into love. OP...are you attracted to her at all? Or if it's only her personality you like...?? If it is, then it sounds like friend material to me! Surely there are some women out there at the age of 30, who still knock your socks off...and are compatible! I didn't marry til i was 32....and i still picked the wrong man. WAAAY WRONG! lol Link to comment
goodheartlady Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 If you are craving exotic sex, then go have it! Let this girl go! I don't get why this is so complicated. You found someone who is good but not good enough according to you. Instead of wasting her time, let her go. Imagine if your girlfriend is posting on forums: " this guy - he is nice, but I crave sex with BIGGER and sexier men! But he is nice, and I would like to keep him around as back up while I spend my days ogling other men and fantasizing about them. Oh I wish he can get BIGGER!" Would you want to stay with a partner who talked about you this way? Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 WOW PP...you found at least TWO good men??? Geez how come i can't find ONE??? lol (Laughs) Well I found one that was good, but not right for me and one that is better than anyone I've ever been with. And him I didn't meet until I was in my mid-50s. Quite possibly I would have walked right past him on my way to the scruffy dark-haired musician who was oh so bad for me before I'd been around the block a time or two. And yes, I have had to kiss a large number of almosts, no ways and lord what was I thinkings before I got there. So keep going is all I've got to say. Who knows who is just around your corner. Love really doesn't seem to give a crap how old you are after all. Of course my SO also curries favor by knowing better than to compete with my horse, she's my all-time baby first love forever. Anyways, back to the OP: keep looking and dating. It's not a crime if you don't meet and settle down and magically stop wanting this or that in your 20s, 30s, 40s or beyond. You just have to find what feels right to you and the rest, as they say, is all experience that helps move you forward. Link to comment
Throwaway999 Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 OP, regardless of whether this girl is right for you, or ENA poster's thoughts on porn, you are living in a dream world with your ideas about sex, compared with your described personality. You can't get this: I always craved that perfect knockout looking, sex guru, great cook, and great personality I do fantasize about traveling and having single man sex with girls around the world I have a deep spiritual belief that sex isn't always about emotion, its an expression and have fantasized about having a wife who is open to us having a different lover once in awhile. I do crave sex with exotic girls ... if you are the kind of guy you describe yourself as. So you want a perfect knockout looking exotic sex guru who is also a great cook with a great personality, who will also be willing to have three ways with you once in a while. SOUNDS REASONABLE But, you aren't sure if you want to settle down because hey, you want to travel all over the world and have sex with lots of single girls SOUNDS TOTALLY REALISTIC But the guy who wants these things describes himself like this: About me I'm a few years away from 30 and have been single since 2005. Dude, you are 30 and you've been single since 2005. If there was ever a time to travel the world and have sex with single girls it was THE PAST DECADE I work out and am in great shape, have my degree, and strong career goals which is progressing. I'm constantly trying to get better as I a read a lot of self improvement and financial success books. I also take martial arts. If you are just wanting to bang a bunch of random women, your degree and promising career aren't going what gets you there. I am not conceited but I am very attractive. Always getting complimented on my looks. But I am considered that "shy" guy as I am quiet and don't have that "Bruce Wayne" kind of confidence to just go around approaching women. I do know I have flaws (being assertive, speech, INDECISIVE). Hence the reason for all the self-help books. If I may generalize, women who are looking for recreational sex or who are looking to have a three way are going to want an attractive guy, yes, but even if you are extremely hot they aren't going to be doing it with shy, indecisive guys with no confidence. You may be good looking but if you don't have the confidence to approach women, and are weak and indecisive and not assertive, hot single women around the world aren't going to be approaching you and inviting you to their orgies. And even if you aren't looking for casual sex but are looking for a relationship, a woman who is a "perfect knockout looking exotic sex guru who is also a great cook with a great personality" is going to have her pick of men. And she is going to pick a guy who is decisive and confident. You are a self-described 30 year old quiet, shy, indecisive unassertive guy. I'm a believer in self-improvement but if you were the kind of guy who was going to be having three ways and having sex with exotic women around the world, it would have already been happening by now. Grow up. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 IMHO - if you were REALLY, and I mean REALLY into her? Your idea of "ideal" would have left your world the second she entered it. Because all of a sudden, those alternate ideals wouldn't seem so ideal - they'd be paling in comparison. Love makes us stupid-blind that way, it alters the way we view things, because that other person that is so important becomes the embodiment, in the honeymoon phase, of all that you want from someone. If it deepens into an abiding love, you see the faults more, but they become quirks that are either more than worth the tradeoff, or are almost exasperatingly endearing. I'm concerned that if you still have an image of a more ideal type for you, and you're in the early stages, where all should be viewed through those rose colored glasses, you'll only become more discontent with the small things that aren't quite a fit for you. She, on the other hand, from your description, is "into" you in the way that idealizes you. Just make sure, if you do decide to pursue this, that you'll be honest with yourself and let her go as soon as you feel discontent, not let her become more deeply involved as you start backing away. Link to comment
dk1ace Posted February 20, 2014 Author Share Posted February 20, 2014 Everything is settled guys THANK YOU ALL How do I close this thread1 Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 Are you dating the girl again? Link to comment
savignon Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 Everything is settled guys THANK YOU ALL How do I close this thread1 You get 4 pages of support, suggestions, advice, encouragement, sharing and opinions and you respond with "all set-thanks, how can I close this?" Yuck. Link to comment
dk1ace Posted February 20, 2014 Author Share Posted February 20, 2014 Are you dating the girl again? We are giving each other space first to see how we feel a month from now. Completely mutual. Staying friends for now Link to comment
goodheartlady Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 I hope this woman - during this "time off" - go out and find someone who loves and accepts her as she is. Link to comment
dk1ace Posted February 20, 2014 Author Share Posted February 20, 2014 I hope this woman - during this "time off" - go out and find someone who loves and accepts her as she is. only time will tell. How do I close this thread? Thanks in advance again guys Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 We are giving each other space first to see how we feel a month from now. Completely mutual. Staying friends for now If that includes the option for you to date other people or try to then that's not about seeing how you feel about her and what it's like not to have her in your life, that's just about your decision to comparison shop. Hopefully she'll wise up and refuse to give you the benefit of being her "friend" during this time of "space" Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 I always say... the dating world, as far as my experience in NYC... is cut-throat. Women and men do this, exchange certain things the OP said with how much money he makes, or what his career is, and we have the same story. Many people think like the OP, they just arent vocal about it. They express doubt vocally in more carefully placed ways... but I and many people just see the wool and i always see the shallow and superficial reasons underneath. Girlfriends dont always break-up because it fizzled out, the guy has no ambition and drive, he doesnt look as attractive as he used to and that effects the bedroom, and she wonders if she should stay with him because hes still a loyal and caring guy... But, i will say this... dont hurt good people. Some people are so far away from the games - dont put them into that world if they genuinely were putting 100% in you. Even at my most coldest i broke it off with women because i couldnt promise them what they wanted from me - funny how when you are the most honest you get branded a jerk and mean. Link to comment
savignon Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 But, i will say this... dont hurt good people. Some people are so far away from the games - dont put them into that world if they genuinely were putting 100% in you. Even at my most coldest i broke it off with women because i couldnt promise them what they wanted from me. I agree with this and the guy I hold in the highest regard of past dates/boyfriends is someone who dumped me exactly for that reason. I thought it really showed his integrity and compassion and it made me really admire him in a "I want to find a guy like THAT" kind of way. We haven't kept in touch but I think of him from time to time and really hold him in high esteem. So don't assume your kindness went unnoticed. Of course it stings for a little bit but the person might just remember you in a good light!! OP, you can't close threads. It might be helpful for you to come revisit this and re-read all the things you don't actually value about her in your time apart. Hopefully she smartens up and finds someone who loves her the way she is both standing up and "on all fours". Link to comment
dk1ace Posted February 20, 2014 Author Share Posted February 20, 2014 Yes i know exactly where you are coming from. Thank you Like I said only time will tell. Ive grown tremendously from this. What more can I say. Thanks Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 I think you waited to long to give up the porn and it has skewed your reality. Agreed. Doubt you will find the woman you're looking for without several screws loose. Link to comment
goodheartlady Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 OP is very eager to close this thread. Did you (ex)lady find this?? Link to comment
goodheartlady Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 Off topic to men: when you look at porn, it should be clear to you that you look and perform nothing like a male porn stars (ie size, how long, etc). Why is it you think that women should look and act like porn stars?? Link to comment
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