GUYS/MEN Need your help! Should I do it? "Too Picky" issue

[dk1ace]

About me

I'm a few years away from 30 and have been single since 2005.

 

I work out and am in great shape, have my degree, and strong career goals which is progressing. I'm constantly trying to get better as I a read a lot of self improvement and financial success books. I also take martial arts.

 

I am not conceited but I am very attractive. Always getting complimented on my looks. But I am considered that "shy" guy as I am quiet and don't have that "Bruce Wayne" kind of confidence to just go around approaching women.

 

I do crave sex with exotic girls (who doesn't). I've decided to give up on porn because I feel like not only does it effect me in the bedroom at times, it's also creating more of this craving and doesn't allow me to focus on projects.

 

I do know I have flaws (being assertive, speech, INDECISIVE). Hence the reason for all the self-help books.

 

Situation:

So been dating this girl for the past 3-4 months. She is head over heels for me. She's been after me for a year and finally went out with her on a date and realized how great she is (we work together so that's why i kinda avoided it at first).

 

She's given me the butterflies in the stomach feeling. First time a girl has done that to me since junior high school. The way she makes me feel is incredible. And she's just like that in general, very loving. Always hugging and making people feel good.

 

She's made me realize things I like that I never thought I would look for in a girl. We jut had a Valentines Day date that was the best date I ever had with someone.

 

I do get a little jealous when I see other guys show her attention. But it's a healthy jealousy I can live with. As much as I said I have all these credentials she's way more social than I am, which makes her also more popular/charismatic.

 

When i started dating her people told me how many guys started to get jealous about that. Makes her more attractive doesn't it?

 

Staying at her place and cuddling I can do for a whole weekend. Just watching movies. I REALLY enjoy her company. One fear I've always had of finding a partner is will she accept the "BIG KID" that hides behind my conservative appearance. This girls does and she LOVES IT. That's important to me because I NEED to feel like I can be myself around my girl.

 

It's that time to make a decision on making it official but...

 

Am I being too picky

After the first time I didn't think the sex was all that. I like certain positions that she didn't seem to have "nailed down" like arching her back when on all fours. Something that instantly turns me on but also a result of all that porn. My ex girlfriend of two years in high school was a virgin and I remember that it took her awhile to start doing things how I liked sexually so I hold onto that. The sex has gotten better and the fact that she gets so turned on by me has made it more passionate and I've looked forward to it more.

 

Also she's not the "exotic" type I crave. I would rate her physical alone at 6.5 and her personality a 9.5-10 (she's younger and I feel some maturity still needs to happen).

 

She used to dance for over a decade and stopped. I'm a hips/butt guy and she has it plus a little more fat than I would like.

 

I always thought I would end up with a girl of my same hispanic background (she's Caucasian). I always craved that perfect knockout looking, sex guru, great cook, and great personality that we all do.

 

I have been feeling alone for awhile and really won't mind settling down. It's just that I thought it would be with Ms Right that I just described. I'm on the fence with this one because mainly just the sex. I do fantasize about traveling and having single man sex with girls around the world but my real focus is to just establish my career and provide for my family (mom, sisters). If I just have those two I can die happy. But I don't want to face that down the road that maybe I get tired of her physically and crave other girls. That's the animal in me.

 

Another problem is I over think things too much. And she pointed out that I was "afraid" of commitment. I want to learn to just live in the present and go with it. I want to stop over thinking and just go! which I do for the most part in other aspects in my life.

 

She tells me that she knows she can make me happy and I believe her. I can over look her being out of shape right now because I believe you can have an influence on your partner. Seeing me always work out maybe she would get motivated to take dance again or do some cardio at least?

I can overlook her not being of my cultural background because as much as i love my family roots, I could learn so much from her (and already am). She also came with me to a Latin dance club for a friends bday and she was socially comfortable talking to all my friends and saying that she can prob dance better then some of those Latin girls being that she took dance all those years. Haha I liked that.

I can overlook the sex part because I feel like we can take it slow in the beginning and the kinkiness I crave can evolve throughout. Find ways to keep making it exciting later on because in the beginning doing it missionary is always gonna be good at least the first 7 months. A new position every 6 months maybe? Ha

 

I have a deep spiritual belief that sex isn't always about emotion, its an expression and have fantasized about having a wife who is open to us having a different lover once in awhile. There's a few books on this but this is stuff that I shouldn't even be thinking about now. What girl wants to hear there new boyfriend talk about this? I get it.

 

I thought about if I could see myself marrying her and the thought of it doesn't really scare me but that is far far down the road. I've already hurt her a few times by trying to end it because I felt like she wanted more than what I was giving her. Don't want to hurt her again in the future.

 

So should I do it? Is being too picky and nitpicking going to cause me to miss out what I could have with this girl? I really like her. I'm just afraid to hurt a great person like her.

[Ms Darcy]

Are you posting the same thing in a different forum hoping for different answers?

 

 

[dk1ace]

Are you posting the same thing in a different forum hoping for different answers?

 

]

 

Yes she contacted me and told me that she wants me to meet with her and have a follow up talk. So instead of an ultimatum like last time, she gave me time to think.

 

I'm actually excited about a potential relationship with her and just settling down. All the girls I've chased in the past have no interest in me and I'm tired of the stress that goes into dating. Is my excitement alone good enough?

[laninaperdida]

I don't think you're being picky.

You know what you want,

The thing is, you don't always get what you want, lol.

When you don't - especially in a potential LT partner it can make you feel resentful ("I deserve better"), uncertain ("Do I want her?"), etc.

I think that's what is difficult about this situation.

It has little to do with this specific girl... You'll encounter these issues with any girl you meet that isn't what you want on paper.

You're in this transition period of trying to figure out if you're settling for her type or adjusting to it.

You're 1 line about feeling alone, however, makes me think that this girl is just a starter relationship.

(Nothing wrong with that.)

 

Personally?

I can't date a person I'm not INSTANTLY attracted to PHYSICALLY.

They have to be MY version of a knockout.

I used to let the good guys "grow on me," but after a few months I just wished they were better looking.

I realized I was settling, but that's just personal experience.

There are certain things I'm all for tweaking in your partner (I think that whole "Love me as I am" is just BS because everyone is happier when both are pleased), but they can't be MAJOR things like body type, lol.

Might as well trade her in for a different model.

For example, I LIKE my boyfriend's style, but he shops in cheap stores & I can't stand that.

I asked him to try it "my" way (instead of 3 cheap sweaters, buy 1 of quality & wear it more) & he's really enjoyed his little makover.

Everyone knows he looks better, lol.

He's enjoying the compliments.

 

I say just give her a go.

Who cares if it doesn't work out?

It seems like a 50/50 chance to me.

The sex & physical attraction are HUGE component that must be in sync in order for things to work out, but so it personality so you have to give/take.

[CeeLambrini]

So it's an "I like her but I hope for her to change in the future" situation?

[mhowe]

I think you waited to long to give up the porn and it has skewed your reality.

[dk1ace]

So it's an "I like her but I hope for her to change in the future" situation?

 

Well at her age i wasnt thinking too much about health and fitness. So I can't expect her to be into that now. It's what I do. Maybe she'll take interest

 

And she's already very open sexually and tells me shes down for whatever but because shes not my girl Ive taken it slow in the bed.

[Ms Darcy]

Keep your distance from her and see how you feel about it/her in a month or two. Like I said, you sound like you are panic-mode at losing the companionship.

 

Also she's not the "exotic" type I crave. I would rate her physical alone at 6.5 and her personality a 9.5-10 (she's younger and I feel some maturity still needs to happen).

 

She used to dance for over a decade and stopped. I'm a hips/butt guy and she has it plus a little more fat than I would like.

 

I always thought I would end up with a girl of my same hispanic background (she's Caucasian). I always craved that perfect knockout looking, sex guru, great cook, and great personality that we all do.

 

I have been feeling alone for awhile and really won't mind settling down.

 

This especially makes it sound like you are settling.

[ProtestTheHero]

Well, it doesn't look like a great idea based on the way that you're framing it. She seems to be much more invested in the relationship and you than you are in her. I don't doubt that you think she's a great person, but reasoning your way into long-term commitment rarely works.

 

She doesn't want to change you. She likes you for you and she wants to make you happy. You like her but you're describing her like a project...like some work in progress that you're going to influence to improve her. What if she doesn't want to mirror your lifestyle and never reaches the point where she's in the kind of shape that you'd like? What if she doesn't want to emulate the things you've seen in porn? These are things that you obviously care about and prioritize, or else you wouldn't casually toss in the possibility of a more open relationship at the end there (and something tells me she likes you too much to share).

 

It's not wrong of you to have these sorts of desires and priorities. Every single person is free to pursue the type of person that they want and two people are free to define their relationship as they see fit. The problem is that there's a very real chance that this woman, and therefore the relationship itself, will be crushed under the weight of your expectations because she doesn't represent most of the things you've idealized in your post. She's going to jump through hoops to prove otherwise until she gets tired of it or until you get bored.

 

You also need to ask yourself whether your feelings are a product of genuine butterflies or convenience. You say that you're attractive but not very assertive with women. You don't have the confidence to put yourself on the line and face rejection from a woman who offers you the traits on your checklist. This woman has more or less pursued you and as a result it was safe from the beginning. You knew she liked you before you ever went out with her. Consequently, your lack of assertiveness wasn't an issue. She came to you, and now it sounds like you're trying to convince yourself that you can turn this convenience into something more. Are you jealous when guys show her attention because you like her or are you more concerned with the fact that if she chooses someone else you're back to square one, and then it's on YOU to go out there and find a woman you don't have to reason your way into committing to for the long haul? Are you comfortable being yourself around her because she's got an amazing personality or are you comfortable because this is so safe -- safe because she is more heavily invested in this than you are and you know she wouldn't go anywhere.

 

If you're going to do this than you need to accept her for who she is and not view her as a work in progress or clay that you can sculpt to meet your needs. There's nothing WRONG with you if you can't do that. It doesn't make you a bad guy. What it DOES say is that this isn't the woman for you.

[dk1ace]

I think you waited to long to give up the porn and it has skewed your reality.

 

Sounds like you're saying "no hope".

 

I believe if you put your mind to it, it's possible. There was a study they did on guys who gave up porn for 60 days and it effected them in a good way.

 

I don't watch it as much as before so I've been getting away from that regardless.

[Batya33]

She shouldn't have to work this hard to make you happy - meaning, because of what you say you need to be happy . Relationships require work, yes, but it won't be any fun if she feels like she is constantly auditioning. It sounds like you are very particular about sexual positions and techniques. She is probably not the right person for you in that department.

 

I'll add this -others of course may disagree. If, in making a decision about whether to be committed to someone you feel you need to rate the person's looks or personality or do a pro/con list stop right there and understand that you have all the information you need to know - that this person is not right for you. Certainly both the head and heart are involved in long term relationship decisions but the head part should not include this type of "ranking" or evaluation on the 1 to 10 scale.

 

Perhaps rate your chances of making her happy -right now I'd put that at about a 3- you've already hurt her, she has other men who would love to be with her, and you're at great risk of letting her slip through your fingers. Let her slip if what I wrote above describes how you're going about this decision but if you realize, in a general, genuine, head and heart way that you cannot imagine life without her by your side (or at least see the strong potential for that right now) then go get her and pray that she'll be willing to give you another chance.

[dk1ace]

Good points. She's hinted at being open to what I like early in the dating phase. That's why it got me thinking.

 

The jealousy I got from other guys was a healthy one i felt. It wasn't where it's like "damn i lost her". To me it just felt completely healthy. In the midst of this i told myself how would I feel if we don't become a couple and i see her with someone else. It would hurt because I would like to be that guy making her happy BUT if I see she is HAPPY with him than I would just accept it.

 

Some people say live in the moment and just go. Then others say lets really think about this. Too much info can get you in circles. That's where Im at

 

I just want to spend time with her, see where this relationship can go with her. I see a lot of good times between her and I in all aspects and speaking to other friends in long term relationships they said there was EXCITEMENT in seeing their partner grow, mature, and become more influenced to be interested in what they want.

[ProtestTheHero]

It's fine to see how things develop. You might discover that some of the things on your list will change with time. Just be wary of making many promises.

[goodheartlady]

Please let her go. She sounds like a good person and deserves someone who is 100 percent into her.

 

You are afraid to lose her - that is a selfish emotion. That is not a reason to continue to string her along if you are so unsure of her.

 

"I don't love this toy but no one else can play with it!!" Now that is how you feel about a woman who deserves so much more.

[dk1ace]

I understand. The ranking I did was just to simply give a cut to the chase rate of how I feel about her. A scale of how much I'm attracted to her head and heart.

 

You saying constantly auditioning did something for me. Cuz that's how I am. I always feel like I am constantly auditioning myself to impress everybody. I believe in self development but feel I may overdo it SOMETIMES because I'm worried about people seeing my flaws. I criticize myself a lot and lately have been turning the corner of my "reputation" and what people think of me. That used to hamper all my decisions in the past and recently been wanting/learning to let that go. It's been working little by little I'm caring less about others and focusing on what I want.

 

Maybe I am doing that with her also? Maybe me thinking somebody always has to be better is a flaw in me because that's how I treat myself.

[savignon]

Agree times 1000 with this. You don't seem to have any genuine enthusiasm for the things you prioritize and are already considering how and when to drop in the suggestion of having an open relationship/marriage. You're not very well suited for her and she's not really what you're looking for. You might think she's crazy about you the way you are but if she knew you considered her to be so flawed and already want to open up a marriage you don't have...she might reconsider how compatible you are.

[dk1ace]

Please let her go. She sounds like a good person and deserves someone who is 100 percent into her.

 

You are afraid to lose her - that is a selfish emotion. That is not a reason to continue to string her along if you are so unsure of her.

 

"I don't love this toy but no one else can play with it!!" Now that is how you feel about a woman who deserves so much more.

 

Its more of an unsure of myself. Ive been single for so long and feel it's because I nitpick about everything in a girl. This is the FIRST time I actually feel a certain way about a girl but am doing that bad habit again of nitpicking. In the past I would nitpick and easily just walk away from the situation with no strong feelings hurt. It always felt bad when I stopped dating a certain girl because it's like "ah that sucks" but then I always had that "oh well" shrug and moved on.

 

With this girl it's completely different. NEVER felt this before. Even while dating I couldn't wait to see her and would think about her everyday. Doesn't that mean something?

[ParisPaulette]

I do think the porn has skewed your perceptions of sex and women to some degree. You have a chance at a real relationship with a woman who gets you and instead you're worrying about things like her arching her back on all fours during sex? Really, do you have any idea how uncomfortable that position can be for a woman? And I say that, because I've been with partners who wanted me to do this or that, because they saw it in a video. And it was ridiculous, stupid and downright dangerous. Hint: No, it's not fun for a woman to raise one leg up above her ear while leaning against a concrete wall. Ouch and double ouch. The problem is what you see in porn isn't real, it's make-believe just like everything else you see in film and on TV. In the sitcom "Friends" all these people have huge, fancy apartments but never seem to work. A fact that most real New Yorkers found a source of endless irritation given what housing is like there and the ridiculous sums of money one has to make to be able to afford the "Friends" lifestyle. So your complaints are a little bit in the same vein as they would be if you were saying that although you found a nice little place in the Bronx and you like your neighborhood you're unsatisfied, because you want a place like the people in Friends have. And you want to be able to hang out with your friends all day in coffee shops and the like instead of working and why can't you have that lifestyle instead? Do you see what I mean here, you've got a serious case of the fantasy versus reality going based on what you've seen. And I don't think that's normal healthy development at all. How would you feel if she were posting about how she's met this guy and he's okay, but still she longs for an Ian Somerhoeld or Colin Farrell look-alike with a ton of money and a bigger (blank) to sweep in and rescue her from boredom? Me thinks you'd be pretty upset and with good reason, because yeah that's not reality either. And who knows, maybe that IS what she's thinking, but she's thrilled to have a live guy until she can manage that secret meeting with Colin or Ian.

 

All that said, I don't think you love this girl and I do think you're settling. You talk about her almost as if she were an object and you go on and on about needing some Kim Kardashian clone instead. So do this girl a favor and let her go. Go live out your fantasy instead and see how real someone who is exotic and can arch their back during sex can be. Scrounge up the money needed and get some exotic woman to be your date for awhile and go live the dream. And if you're chasing girls that won't have anything to do with you, because you don't bring enough to their table then realize they have fantasies too. Ones that may well not involve someone of your stature or looks or financial means.

 

In short learn to live in reality and don't use other people as a stopgap while you try and figure out how and when to make what's nothing more than good lighting and moves designed to sell tapes and footage to the mass media into a reality. Or you find someone you really do love that makes you prefer reality to the fantasy in your head.

[CeeLambrini]

You've listed all the things she needs to be in order to be good enough. Imagine if someone was doing that to you....imagine if she was doing that to you. What if your "list" was

- Needs to stop working out at the gym - I don't do it so perhaps later on he'll lose motivation to go so much

- Needs to stop being so shy - hopefully he will come out of his shell a bit and stop being so quiet

 

and

 

Well, he's a 7 at the most but I'm sure in time that will change once I go shopping with him and help him get some new clothes.

 

It's so hurtful to be like that. If I ever found out this is what was going through my boyfriends mind when we first started dating I just wouldn't be able to be with him anymore. Let her go and be with someone who thinks she is a 10

[dk1ace]

I understand. People only seem to notice and expose the moments I mention about focusing only on sex and particular positions. I mentioned that I want to get away from that. I dont want that to be that guy that has a knockout chick who doesn't care for me but lets me bang her. This girl already said she's very open sexually.

 

I want to move away from just craving the exotic sex. I said all of this.

 

I've been doing this for the past 6 months before her and I started dating. So it's a process. And I feel I've gotten better. Obviously it's still in my head.

 

You tell me to live in reality. That is what I want to do! So in following your advice is this the opportunity to take that step and see that I have this girl in front of me who can make me happy and help me realize the more important things in life?

[dk1ace]

I can't debate your feelings about it since you speak from a female's perspective.

 

If you're boyfriend was going through some identity crisis around the time you first started dating, and your presence is what got him over that hump and finally change. Would that make you feel different? Honestly.

 

I'm just very curious. I appreciate your opinions so far

[savignon]

If you're boyfriend was going through some identity crisis around the time you first started dating, and your presence is what got him over that hump and finally change. Would that make you feel different? Honestly.

 

No because you've already broken up

with her and shown that you're not anywhere near done with your identity crisis.

I bring a ton to the table as a quality woman and if I ever heard my guy was rating me on a scale of 1-10 or ranking my back arching skills while "on all fours" I would know that he didn't really value, appreciate or respect me...especially if he had dumped me twice already.

As surprising as this might be to your self-described awesome self...nobody wants you to experiment with them while you deal with your identity crisis. That's your problem. Not theirs. And in the real world, it's not all about you and the arch a girl can master on all fours while you work "open marriage" into the conversation...because what a shame it would be if you weren't satisfied by thinner more exotic girls...don't you deserve that after settling for this 6.5 who doesn't arch properly? She would really owe you for accepting her as is, right??

Let her be. She deserves someone who thinks she's a 10 in all areas.

You have a lot more work to do if you want to be in a a healthy relationship.

[CeeLambrini]

I can't debate your feelings about it since you speak from a female's perspective.

 

If you're boyfriend was going through some identity crisis around the time you first started dating, and your presence is what got him over that hump and finally change. Would that make you feel different? Honestly.

 

I'm just very curious. I appreciate your opinions so far

 

My boyfriend's hypothetical identity crisis would not be my job to fix - I would have walked and found someone who thought I was perfect just the way I was. That's something you have to think about and sort out yourself through professional help - jumping into a relationship that doesn't fit your unrealistic standards is simply a distraction for you, it doesn't fix anything. It just ends up hurting the girl and you being left more confused than ever.

[Thorshammer]

Lol, i am surprised the enot woman arent ripping your head off because you are saying she has some fat, but you hope she will train and lose it when she sees you train. Last male poster posted that and he walked away from the site limping. Unless you are going to be blunt... you took her as she is, if anything she can get fatter if shes the type to get comfortable. I made the mistake of telling an ex that she was getting a bit fat, i would word that carefully next time. I personally think there is nothing wrong about telling your woman shes getting a bit too much tho (again, just word it carefully), everyone wants to protect women because society says they are more emotional... screw that, we all have emotions. I hear women all the time call their boyfriends fat, and yeah... some men laughs (like my cousin whos gf keeps saying hes getting fat, and then he blows up my phone asking me about my training-plan, i can tell hes hurt)- but its not a free pass for every dude.

 

I can relate with the whole cacausian and you being latin thing. I have dated white women, and i felt my culture would die off, and since i am so close to my family - god-forbid they pass on, all i would have left is the culture they passed on to me, and i would want to hold on to that to keep them alive. But, i dont have too much in common with latin women, so i end up wanting and dating white women... though i have been lucky enough and picky enough to land dates with half white/half latin.

 

I did date one white girl that tried to adapt my culture. She wanted to learn spanish, learn to dance spanish, i thought it was cute, and it was a learning experience for us both. I didnt see it as her trying to be latin, i saw it as her trying to make me comfortable and understand what i meant that i needed my culture to survive. That in my experience is a far more powerful connection and experience.

 

Question, what is exotic? I have never heard a latin guy call anyone exotic? As a latin men, white women are exotic to me.

 

Anyways, you are having doubts too early into your relationship. Thats obviously not good. Dont mistake any ego that shes giving you because she cares and adores you as a sign that a lot of women are going to throw themselves at you, and that you have so many options, and that there is the perfect women to suit your every needs.

 

As for her not being adept in love-making... mold her to what you want. Thats a turn on too.

[Realitynut]

You said "i really like her'....but do you LOVE her? That is what it takes to have a long and satisfying relationship. If you truly LOVE her, she will be beautiful to YOU....whether she is white, black or purple.

 

You are drawn to her personality and how comfortable she makes you.....so what if she doesn't 'arch' her back the right way? Dang!

 

Ya gotta think. AM I PERFECT?

 

If the answer is NO....then how can you expect 'perfection' (in your eyes) of the other person.

 

NO ONE is EVERYTHING you want. You just pick what is MOST important and run with that. And feelings of love will either grow...or disappear.

If the sex and body is more important than personality and compatibility, then i guess you should dump her, so she can find someone who really appreciates HER...and not expecting her to look and act like a porn star!

 

Make a list of what you like about her...and what you don't. Think. What is important as a future mate. As a MOTHER to my child. THINK.