Chatting online to other women whilst I was pregnant and after...help!

[SapphireNoir10]

Thank you I love being a mum. It's the best thing in the world. He is an absoloutley AMAZING father. He is incredibly thoughtful and generous.

 

In my heart I do think it is cheating and I have told him so. I asked him to delete the programme he was using to talk to the women. I have told him if he does it again it is over.

 

I have promised to at least TRY and make it work and get over this and to look into couples counselling. We have postponeed the wedding.

[SapphireNoir10]

I do want to try but I don't know if I can trust him or get over it. he seems remorseful but it took him a LONG time to admit he was chatting to girls when I caught him, but when he admitted it I got a of stuff out of him about how he had felt unhappy sometimes and had done it to feel validated.

 

WE get on most of the time we really do. But instead of venting his problems by talking to other women. He should talk to me. He has promised to be more honest. He said he has a massive fear of losing me and has never felt good enough for me :S

[itsallgrand]

I do want to try but I don't know if I can trust him or get over it. he seems remorseful but it took him a LONG time to admit he was chatting to girls when I caught him, but when he admitted it I got a of stuff out of him about how he had felt unhappy sometimes and had done it to feel validated.

 

WE get on most of the time we really do. But instead of venting his problems by talking to other women. He should talk to me. He has promised to be more honest. He said he has a massive fear of losing me and has never felt good enough for me :S

 

The ex which brought me initially to ena was very poor at communicating negative emotions and thoughts. I was with him almost 7 years, and didn't find out until the break up, that he didn't like my cat. And that he was somewhat allergic to her. I am not joking. And it is only one example.

 

Most of the time, it made for a very pleasant guy to be around. He was always telling me nice things, affectionate, etc. But this tendency to avoid confrontation was a huge issue between us....it's like a silent sneaker bomb.....I couldn't trust that aspect, had a very difficult time with it (and me, never have problems expressing negative stuff lol, maybe too much so! but he always knew where I stood exactly).

 

Maybe ask him what he is willing to do about this and let him know exactly how you feel about it. In terms of, how it is and could in the future impact your relationship.

 

I don't know. I think this is a deeper type of relational issue, pattern, with people who have such a hard time expressing issues and possible problems and/or negative feelings/ thoughts/concerns....and it would take willingness and time for someone to work it out.

 

I hope he is willing to work on it. Because it sure sounds like you do have such a nice family growing. And you clearly love him. And he is a great father, which is so great to hear!

 

tc.

[SapphireNoir10]

Thank you. He really wants to work it out. I'm just still in so much shock.

[SapphireNoir10]

It does make me question ALL my trust for him like if he's ever physically cheated. I dont think so though he's got a home and work mobile and he leaves them around all the time hes never locked them or passcoded him, and I know how to log onto his computer...I think it was just this one chat site. He's absoloutely fine with letting me look at ANYTHING

[SapphireNoir10]

I feel so hollow and confused. I've never been cheated on before. Well I had suspicions i had been in previous relationships but never knew for sure. The worst part is is how perfect a partner he has been.

[DN]

For the future of the relationship, I don't think it is wise to tell people details about why the wedding is postponed. You don't have to lie but you don't have to tell the whole truth either. If you do, it will come back to haunt you.

[SapphireNoir10]

Is there a future for this relationship though. Once trust is broken. I think It's hard to get it back. I want too. But I'm not sure I can.

 

How do I know this is how far it's really gone :S

 

I dont know how to not tell people why...I've bought bridesmaid dresses, booked the cake etc etc. People are going to be VERY confused as to why.

[OptomisticGirl]

I agree with DN, if you are even thinking of giving him and this relationship a chance, I would advice not to tell people the real reason. You can either just vaguely tell them you both decided to take a breather between parenthood and marriage or just simply say something about finances.

[DN]

Is there a future for this relationship though. Once trust is broken. I think It's hard to get it back. I want too. But I'm not sure I can.

 

How do I know this is how far it's really gone :S

 

I dont know how to not tell people why...I've bought bridesmaid dresses, booked the cake etc etc. People are going to be VERY confused as to why.

Only you can decide whether to trust him again. It would be wrong for me to try to persuade you one way or the other. I would support whatever you decide.

 

All you have to do is tell people that there is a hitch in the relationship which you hope is temporary but prefer to keep the details private. You will let them know if the wedding is to proceed or be cancelled.

[quirky]

Was he chatting to one specific lady or women in general?

 

Why does he feel he's not good enough for you ? This is important to know. You could be the most amazing woman on the planet but if he doesn't feel competent and adequate around you then it's bad news.

[Firiel]

Sapphire, I am so sorry you are going through this. Recently, I've been facing a huge breach of trust from my husband, and I know how much it can you off in every aspect of your life. It's like the one person you trusted and loved more than anything else in the world wanted anyone but you, regardless of the fact that you feel like you have worked so hard for the relationship. If this wonderful person can do that, is there any goodness in the world? It sounds like you want to save the relationship, which I understand. We are working to save ours as welll. Anyway, I'd advise you to do couple's therapy. It sounds like he needs to work through his constant need for attention (which I actually see a lot in my own husband, so I sympathize), and perhaps the therapist would be able to advise him if he needs to pursue that separately as well.

 

I don't have much advice except for two bits that my mom gave me when things with my husband hit rock bottom:

 

1) Take it one day at a time, especially at first.

2) Take your own advice. What would you tell a friend to do in this situation? You are smart and capable-- you can make good decisions. Just don't let your strong feelings (positive towards him or negative towards his actions) cloud that judgment.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've seen you discuss some crap relationships throughout the years on this site, and I was really happy that you had found something so good. I don't think all is lost yet, though. Keep your head up.

[SapphireNoir10]

Only you can decide whether to trust him again. It would be wrong for me to try to persuade you one way or the other. I would support whatever you decide.

 

All you have to do is tell people that there is a hitch in the relationship which you hope is temporary but prefer to keep the details private. You will let them know if the wedding is to proceed or be cancelled.

 

Thank you DN. That is helpful advice on what to say.

 

I think at the moment it's workable. I hope so.

[SapphireNoir10]

Was he chatting to one specific lady or women in general?

 

Why does he feel he's not good enough for you ? This is important to know. You could be the most amazing woman on the planet but if he doesn't feel competent and adequate around you then it's bad news.

 

He was talking to randomers on 'bearshare' or whatever it is called when you can just IM random women.

 

He said he'd just flirt and joke around with them until they showed an interest in him and once he had that validation he moved on to the next. He said he does have a strong need for attention and that he didn't feel wanted at the time. He said the reason he doesn't feel good enough for me is because I am such a good fiance and mother and he did this.

[SapphireNoir10]

Firiel:

 

That's very helpful. Due to it being emotional cheating in the sense of chatting up other women, strangers on a site. It's the only reason I'm even considering trying to make it work.

 

Honestly if it was a friend I'd probably tell them to leave. But it's easy to say. We have a family. A child that depends on us both and I'm not willing to split up his family. I still love him. I really do.

 

He seems very sad and remorseful. I'm looking into counselling.

 

I go between feeling numb and crying.

[iamkaylee]

Sapphire I am very sorry this has happened.

 

I'm going to throw another chit in the pot for counseling. I believe it can do you both a world of good.

 

This is a hard blow to you but please keep in mind it's also a very fresh one. I would advise not making any major decisions as far as your relationship until emotions settle and you can think clearly about what you want to do. Pregnancy and having a newborn is extremely stressful and exhausting for both of you not to mention the wild hormonal changes you're having.

 

Honestly, I do think this can be saved.

[superfan]

One of the things I usually say when I see people asking "is this cheating" is - do YOU think it is?

 

What people a lot of the times don't realize is that each person has their own personal boundaries or ideas as to WHAT cheating is. For some, it is only going outside the relationship physically. For others, it is talking/flirting with other women.

 

My husband and I are fairly "open" in that we know a LOT of couples in polyamorous relationships and though we are not poly ourselves, our boundaries towards what is cheating and what isn't are much looser than other people's. I have seen my husband kiss other women and flirt with them and it doesn't bother me because he is open about it. I have done the same with other men and he is fine with that.

 

BUT those are OUR boundaries and everybody is going to be different. The way we behave with one another would be considered cheating to other people I have no doubt. So, YOU need to ask yourself what your own personal boundaries are and then you need to speak with your fiance and clarify that so that you are BOTH on the same page as to what is or is not considered cheating in YOUR definition.

 

It is possible that he did not feel what he was doing "counted" as cheating, since he wasn't contacting these women physically. He might be blindsided by your reaction and not understand WHERE you are coming from. He might be baffled by how upset you are - especially since the wedding has been put on hold.

 

I am not saying that your feelings are not valid - that you don't have a right to feel hurt or betrayed - he crossed a line for you, so you absolutely do. But it also sounds like the two of you are not the greatest at communicating various things to one another in your relationship - he is saying he was feeling neglected which is coming out of left field for you. Your reaction to his flirting might be out of left field for him - especially if he had no idea that what he was doing would be considered cheating to you.

 

The key thing is to sit down (either with a professional couneslor) or just one on one and talk - REALLY talk about what your boundaries are and what you expect from the relationship. Avoid blaming/attacking the other person. Concentrate on telling them how their actions have made you feel and listen openly to what your partner has to say (if you treat it like it has no value, then you don't help the situation). I am not saying that you should view what he says as a valid excuse, but rather to acknowledge that his feelings have some merit.

 

It sounds like you want to save the relationship and it sounds like it is worth saving. I hope you can work it out some how.

[SapphireNoir10]

Thank you.

 

We had had clear discussions in the past on what we considered cheating. He knew I thought talking to other women in a flirty manner on chat was cheating. I do think it is, I was just curious what others thought. He used to get offended if I talked to guy friends on messanger

 

It's weird. In so many ways we get on so well. We have good sex and a good sex life, we laugh and joke and have fun a LOT. We are always hugging or kissing or holding hands we spend a lot of time with eachother but not too much. We have a really happy little family.

 

Honestly I thought I was so lucky, he cooks, cleans, works hard....I do too but he is very supportive of everything and has never once been mean to me...it's so weird. We dont ever have explosive arguments either.

 

I just wish he'd told me he felt neglected at times. He said its feeling not good enough for me and not being sure that I love him that led him to want to get women to want him. He said it never wen't further than flirting/complimenting/mildy sexual.

 

i told him I'm going to try and work on it. That he needs to be patient and understanding. I've told him I will work on being more patient too, and on trying to express my emotions better to him, and him to me. We are looking into getting counselling.

 

Anyone that knows him has said how loyal he is. No one, including me thought he'd do something like this. I 100% trusted him,

[Batya33]

Work on it? I'm concerned that you're going to work on being there more for him from a perspective of "if I don't he'll chat with other women on line or worse". That's not a good feeling or a way to maintain a healthy relationship. The only reason you should work on paying more attention to him is because we all should do that with our spouses -almost all of us can stand to be even more caring, more thoughtful, more present. But not to deter cheating. That's his work, all on him. The second he thinks you're doing something to prevent him from cheating is the second he stops respecting you. Respect yourself and your boundaries and let him know that you do -not in a defensive way but communicate clearly that you're happy to work on being there for him more but that if he feels you are not, that's no excuse to behave inappropriately nor was it an excuse this time. I agree he needs to be patient and understanding because it's always a huge adjustment to have a baby but not any more so than anyone else - he need not do you any favors -he just needs to remind himself of his role in this family.

[SapphireNoir10]

I'm just confused because I thought I was there for him. I was affectionate and caring and sexual and did thoughtful things.

 

He said he felt addicted to it, the attention. The validation from other women.

 

The more I think about it. Him chatting to women whilst I was heavily pregnant, then when I was ill and when our son was in a basket next to him...it makes me feel physically sick.

 

He said he felt a detachment because it was online. That he didnt realise at the time how bad it was.

 

I want to work on being there for him because I want us to work. I want him to be more honest with how he feels. I have made it clear I want to work on this for the sake of our family and that he can't expect me to be ok with him in a short amount of time. That the wedding is postponed. And that if he lies or cheats again it is over. I think I am being fairly stern. He's given me passwords to everything. He doesn't delete anything out of his history or phone or anything, he's never had a problem with me using his phone or looking through his pictures, or even going on his computer.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm just confused because I thought I was there for him. I was affectionate and caring and sexual and did thoughtful things.

 

It was nothing you did or didn't do, this was his choice, and his alone.

.

He said he felt addicted to it, the attention. The validation from other women.

 

He's using this classic excuse in order to take the focus off of him, therefore placing the blame on you, AKA, an easy way out. In any event, I wouldn't police his phone or computer, for the simple fact that he's in the drivers seat as far as making the choice to cheat, or remain faithful. Either way, the truth always comes out.

 

I wish you the best, and hopefully he'll step up to the plate.

[Fudgie]

I think he needs some individual therapy at first. Claiming neglect is an easy excuse and it's not okay. He needs to dig deep and get uncomfortable and understand the real reasons. And how to fix them.

 

Couples therapy should come next.

 

I'm sorry that this happened to you. It's truly devastating.

 

I hope you don't will kick him to the curb if he even tries to do this a again.

[iamkaylee]

He said he felt addicted to it, the attention. The validation from other women.

 

He said he felt a detachment because it was online. That he didnt realise at the time how bad it was.

 

It may be the classic excuse but it is also a very real reason why people find themselves slowly sliding down the cheating path. And, like it or not, he has been very honest here about HIS feelings. Those feelings are valid even though his actions and the way he chose to handle those feelings were not. I don't think he's done this deliberately and I refuse to vilify him for it. There's a real problem here but he's not some low life homewrecking cheater either. I do believe this was an honest mistake and he is genuinely remorseful. His actions now are saying that.

 

Sapphire, again, please let your emotions run through, settle down and don't make any decisions until then.

[SapphireNoir10]

Most of me wants to go, but ive promised to try and I will

[Fudgie]

It's okay to want to go. And that's a perfectly valid choice. Because you never really know if he's gonna do it again.

 

My advice is to wait 2-3 months. Let the emotions settle and get some therapy. If you still want to leave at that point, then do it. No sense in staying if you don't want to and you don't feel good about.

 

Your son is young he will be okay. You'll get to teach him that cheating is wrog because that's what took daddy away.

 

Again that's if you decide to leave.