Chatting online to other women whilst I was pregnant and after...help!

[SapphireNoir10]

I have been with my fiancé 18 months. I used to be a regular her but I truly thought I had found happiness.

 

He has always treated me with kindness and love. When I fell pregnant accidentally 6 months in he was happy and supportive. He massaged me every day and night he could when I was pregnant and cooked and cleaned.

 

Even since I've had the baby he's been amazing he has done a huge share of the work despite him working and me being on maternity leave. He has never raised his voice or been nasty he texts me all the time saying I'm beautiful and lovely. We have a good healthy sex life.

 

I let myself In our house yesterday and he was on some chat thing...that's when I discover him talking to random women.

 

He said it had been happening since I was 8 months pregnant. He said he's never physically cheated and I believe him. He's at home wih us or at work mostly. He even gave me his passwords to everything to prove its nothing physical and no one he knows.

 

He said he felt neglected and that he just wanted attention and to be found funny and sexy.

 

Messages were flirty and mildly sexual...we were meant to be getting married on our 2yr and we have a beautiful 3 month old.

 

Is this cheating? Is it forgivable?

 

What do I do? I thought I had found true love and happiness. I've never been so happy or treated so well.

[Seraphim]

Personally I would call it cheating. Whether it is forgivable or not it's up to you really. Personally I think his excuse that he felt neglected is a pretty weak one. Think it's time to sit him down and have a pretty frank discussion. I would forgive it once but not twice. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

[HeartGoesOn]

The fact that it didn't go physical doesn't make it any better, it's still cheating. No matter how you slice it, it's a choice he made on his own. You have to ask yourself if you can ever trust him again. That said, I hope you find your way.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I was hoping this would have a better outcome.

[OptomisticGirl]

I would classify it as cheating, emotional cheating can sometimes be worse than physical cheating. Is it forgive able? Only you can answer that Noir. Would he be for couple's counseling?

[Janeiac]

I think it's the emotional sort of cheating. Him saying that it didn't get pshysical is a lame excuse. But you have a lot to lose by throwing him out, and a lot to gain by healing the relationship. You say he's given you passwords-- that sounds like a good sign he is sincere. At this point you might tell him this has made you feel betrayed, and that you would like him to stop it.

This is his fault, not yours, but it's going to be productive to consider what he told you about wanting attention, and to feel desired. Being hurt and angry you may find this difficult. It's still probably a good idea to try. Best of luck, and please let us know how it goes!

[OptomisticGirl]

I think it's the emotional sort of cheating. Him saying that it didn't get pshysical is a lame excuse. But you have a lot to lose by throwing him out, and a lot to gain by healing the relationship. You say he's given you passwords-- that sounds like a good sign he is sincere. At this point you might tell him this has made you feel betrayed, and that you would like him to stop it.

This is his fault, not yours, but it's going to be productive to consider what he told you about wanting attention, and to feel desired. Being hurt and angry you may find this difficult. It's still probably a good idea to try. Best of luck, and please let us know how it goes!

 

100% agreed. Remember happy people don't cheat and that's not to say any of this is your fault (because it's not, it's all his as he made a decision to do this rather than walking away from the situation) but if you intend to heal the relationship and give it an honest try, you'll need to look at what made him unhappy and therefore what led for him to do this.

[DN]

Is there any justification for him saying he felt neglected?

[Elektra22]

It's definitely emotional cheating I'm so sorry Sapphire I've had this done to me also and it was just as devastating as physical cheating. I think the crux of this problem will be if you can ever trust him again after this. It is up to him to prove to you that you can, for him to do the work to make this up to you, and to take full accountability for it- not give the lame excuses that he did. If he really did want more attention, and have his ego stroked to be made to feel like he is funny and sexy why not go to you-the woman he loves and wants to marry- with these issues instead of trolling on sleazy dating sites? I think it's deplorable that he's trying to put off his selfish, disgusting, betrayal on you because of his inadequacies. These are not the actions of a real man- for your sake I hope that he seeks professional counseling and does right by you, but ultimately that you have a happy life with a man that treats you good, is loyal, and kind. Good look hon I am rooting for you!

[SapphireNoir10]

I honestly don't think I neglected him. I'm always cuddly and loving. Infact sometimes I feel I'm pestering him for sex not that he doesn't want it. I just initiate a lot.

 

Honestly I had a bad pregnancy and a bad birth and I wasn't very well after. The fact he was talking to them whilst I was sick and pregnant hurts so much

 

I thought we were a happy little family. We're always laughing and cuddling and having fun with or son and eachother

[SapphireNoir10]

He is honestly the perfect boyfriend. He said he's addicted to the attention and he used to do it before we met and he started it again when he felt neglected.

 

I'm in shock I trusted him 100 percent

[SapphireNoir10]

We've been planning for the wedding and things have been so good. The night I caught him we'd seen eachother earlier and been kissing and flirting and having such a laugh

[chickydoodle]

How disappointing for you.

Christ - are there any decent men in the world.?

 

I am beginning to wonder if it is not a gross generalistaion to say the male ego seems to almost ALWAYS need the attention of other women . Most seem unable to give this up no matter how Loving their r'ship is. One woman seems to not be enough for so many men.

What the hell is wrong with these guys?

 

I feel so disappointed on your behalf Sapphire...and have no advice except to empathise with you. He really has spoilt something beautiful.

I guess I would hold off on marriage in case more shocks considering his true personality lay in store for you. Time will tell if he is an authentic person or not.

[OptomisticGirl]

So there is a history with this that predates your relationship, has he been to therapy over it in the past?

[SapphireNoir10]

I didn't know about it until yesterday but no, no therapy. He said its only been since September and he doesn't know why he did it. He seems very upset and sorry.

[OptomisticGirl]

Hm. I would ask him to seek therapy if this is an on going issue whenever he feels like he is being neglected or the attention something he craves, there is clearly an underlying issue as to why he needs/wants it. It still isn't an excuese for putting you through this but perhaps in him getting help and finding out why he does this it will you in learning to retrust him if you choose to stay.

[SapphireNoir10]

I am trying. He seems remorseful. He said he'd give me passwords to everything and only use the compute if i'm around and leave it at home when he's at work etc

 

I'm not going to make him do that though.

 

I just said i needed time and space (still living with him) and to try and get over it but I couldn't promise I will

 

My biggest fear is forgiving him and him doing it again

[SapphireNoir10]

I know I'm not pefect. I blame myself. Like I pushed him too it somehow.

[Batya33]

I know I'm not pefect. I blame myself. Like I pushed him too it somehow.

 

Nope - nothing to do with what you did or did not do -it's all him since if he was unhappy his alternative was to talk to you about it, not behave inappropriately. Honestly I don't know what to advise you but I know that you'll spend the time to sit with yourself and figure out what your boundaries are. Meanwhile what I would do is focus as much as possible on your child - she's the most important right now. I think you know that already!

[WalkingGrace]

Sounds like you want to save the relationship - so I'd strongly suggest you get into some counselling together. You can then air all your feelings in a safe place, without being destructive, and use that as a way of rebuilding trust. I honestly would not consider marrying him, until you've done this!

[OptomisticGirl]

Noir, this is in no way your fault. Even without his prior history of turning to this for attention you did nothing wrong. Even if you were doing something that caused him to e unhappy he could have chosen a million other ways to express that emotion than the one he did. He made a choice, do not blame yourself for that choice.

[SapphireNoir10]

No the wedding is postponed. Part of trying is that I said if people ask me why we have postponed I am going to tell them the true reason. Not to hurt him, but because I don't want to lie to people. I will make it clear there has been dishonesty and we are working on it.

 

I have said to him I need time and space and that it will take time to work on it.

 

He also admitted to speaking to friends and saying we were having problems...instead of speaking to me. I wasn't aware of the problems. We were getting on very well infact. He was constantly texting me nice things, and we were always loving and affectionate...we didn't even argue often. If we did argue it was out of tiredness and frustration of having a newborn. But never over a 'serious' issue. But I can see how it may have contributed.

 

He's saying I'm amazing, and I make him happy and he loves me and never wants to lose me,. He hasnt stopped crying since it happened and he's really in a state.

[SapphireNoir10]

I always was asking him to tell me if he had issues cos he is VERY poor at communicating how he feels if it is negative. He's all for communicating nice things, but he never ever had complaints about us

[drummergirl]

Is this cheating?

 

Cheating is different to different people and in different relationships/cultures. There isn't one definition for it, so it would be best if the two of you had an honest discussion about what each of you considers cheating, what behaviors are ok and what aren't so that you're on the same page. To some people looking at porn is cheating, to others it's normal. In some cultures the girl going around with her head uncovered is inappropriate and in other it's not. In some, taking your shirt off in front of another guy is cheating and in some it's normal to run around topless.

 

If you're not sure if it's cheating or not, how is he supposed to know?

[OptomisticGirl]

I think he really needs therapy, if nothing else for someone to show him how to communicate properly. For most people they only voice the bad and never the good - we have no need to vent when we are happy - but the way he goes about it can be very damaging.

[itsallgrand]

I always was asking him to tell me if he had issues cos he is VERY poor at communicating how he feels if it is negative. He's all for communicating nice things, but he never ever had complaints about us

 

Ahh well, I think you found the true problem here.

 

I'm really sorry to hear of this very recent development, Sapphire. Yet I want to congratulate you, belatedly, on becoming a mommy.