Fighting Loneliness..Does it ever end???

[ck]

They have their friends, their high paying jobs. They buy their own diamond rings. What need do they have for a male anymore? Is this the way they really think?

 

Put it this way have you heard the famous feminist expression "I got my own house, car, job, ect. what do I need a man for?"

 

Well that needs no explanation it speaks for itself, bascially in the old days men were just mearly good for taking care of the family, now since that is not a requirement anymore and they can get their materialistic hands on stuff eaiser why do they need you or me?

 

It's a *blanked* up world man and we can't do anything but live in it until we die.

 

So I just live it up with the few good moments I have and are going to have without a girlfriend in this lifetime. Too much time to try and teach a woman what a good man is and should be useful for.

[PrismicThunder]

Well perhaps i am young and infantile in my understanding of the world, but it seems to be that anyone can now buy all the toys they want and please themselves with money for a time. However, i have found one thing in my life that makes the entire difference... that is love. I have a young woman that loves me more than anything in the world and material possessions while nice, really only serve as symbols for that love. As mentioned on another post i gave my GF an inexpensive promise ring. Does she really care about how much the ring costs or whether it is better than someone elses... no what matters to her is the promise. Like a cross is mearly a symbol of GOD, jewelry is merely, in my case a symbol of love for her. Sure MS. independent buys herself a diamond ring that looks better than my GFs little ring, yet i believe the woman will somewhere be in awe of the little ring and thus snub it; because the woman cannot have the true wealth that the little ring means. Today our gens are raised to appreaciate materialism over everything else. It is for this warped reason that we cannot exist as we once did. I look at developments on a nice summer day and notice a distrubing trend. No kids in the yard. no gang of neighborhood kids playing together, no old folks stilling around on the porch inviting the kids over for a story or cookies. No more little town shops, no more neighborhood bakers or firemen or butchers. We have become isolationists, and thus all our kids are on Ritalin, prozac, overweight, and cold. I look at boys my brothers age ( the start of the ritalin craze) and notice they are smaller and anti-social. I am about 6'1 and 190lb about the size of most guys my age. But i see 16-18yr olds from these well to do families are barely pushing 5'8" and dress like thugs. Isolationism is terrible for the soul and makes loneliness a big issue. I suggest, that you take a trip to someplace like asia or Southern or E. europe and look for a nice woman there. These countries still place high value on the family and have a warmth to them. I personally can attest this from my Castillan friend whom repeatedly asked me about why americans are so weird about personal space, why we apologize over littlest things, and why the people are always in a rush and never smile.

 

In summation, in order to avert this isolationism( Only by the grace of God do i have someone like my gf otherwise i would be out of here fast) and i suggest being either really lucky or experiencing another culture

[ck]

yeah you are young when you experience things more you will get it.

[PrismicThunder]

Ck, i am roughly the same age as you...

[ck]

P you said you were young I can't see your age unless you post it?

[digger81]

I have the opposite to a lot of people I am 23 and never had a girlfriend(I possibly have one now but I have no idea and am stuffing it up), so I only know what its like to be lonely. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have someone love you and then leave you alone.

This in itself worries me because I feel I have wasted 23 years of my life.

[somanaomi]

3 months ago i broke up with my first boyfriend, whom i was with for 6 months. It was brilliant. I was in love, and he was hope for me, i'd been alone and suddenly there was always someone there, just for me. But now that he has gone, i have no one. Im sat here at 5am alone on my computer and i haven't even taken any drugs or been out.

I know i'll find someone else, maybe it'll take time. Just now i feel so bad alone that i wonder if its worth it. I miss the cuddles, the kisses, the sex. But the best thing was someone to talk to. Someone who wanted you like you wanted them...

all gone.

[OmegaMan]

That Daredevil analogy that was made at the beginning of this thread was ingenious. I really thought it was brilliant.

 

Reading all those replies makes me realise something. Loneliness can take many shapes and forms, but is hated by everyone (forced loneliness at least).

 

We all try to find a solution to it. I think getting in a relationship is one solution that is very prized by girls. So many of them can't seem to live without a boyfriend. Scout mentionned so many relationships were unhappy ones. Could it be because so many relationships serve as a way of not being alone?

 

Etienne

[wlfpack81]

PrismicThunder

 

is right about going to another country. The materlism of this country has messed up dating for both sides. Girls only want guys with a lot of $$$, status and are willing to be w/a jerk, abusive guy if he can provide the $$$. Men on the other hand expect they need to act this way to get women and are willing to sell themselves out just to try and fit that model that they think girls want them to be.

 

Sadly I can't afford to go to Europe, Asia and can't live there (unless they're in need of meteorologists lol) so I'm stuck here in the U.S. for the time being.

[JonnyG]

PrismicThunder

 

is right about going to another country. The materlism of this country has messed up dating for both sides. Girls only want guys with a lot of $$$, status and are willing to be w/an jerk, abusive guy if he can provide the $$$. Men on the other hand expect they need to act this way to get women and are willing to sell themselves out just to try and fit that model that they think girls want them to be.

 

Sadly I can't afford to go to Europe, Asia and can't live there (unless they're in need of meteorologists lol) so I'm stuck here in the U.S. for the time being.

 

lol, I feel like going to the States cause they dig English guys . Maybe in a year or 2.

[ziggystar]

I'm new to this thread. and i guess i'm responding to the original post from months ago, but i'll give my personal perspective. I'm a man. I've been looking for a serious relationship. I have not been successful. My last 3 relationships have been only 3 months long and all ended with the woman leaving. All the women were in their 30's. All claimed they were looking for a good man. all were ambivalent about children, family and commitment. all were looking to be rescued, but was also placing a face out for the modern independent strong woman (past roles versus modern roles creates friction internally). I was honest and monagamous. I am not without my faults, but self-subjectively, nothing that bad. Maybe i was too safe for these women. They seem to want something more "romantic", ie. drama. as their current boyfriends seem aloof and distant and challenging. or maybe i'm self criticizing myself for not being up to par.

 

but here is my current outlook going forward. I'm not in a hurry to have sex with a woman. I have found that it promotes a false intimacy that creates a artificial sense of closeness that emotionally and mentally isn't there yet. but i find that if I do not engage in sex or towards sex by a certain time (I'm talking about approximately 2 weeks or 3-4 dates), the woman gets insecure about themselves and lose interest. it's a "catch 22". I've even prefaced the "why's" on taking things slow and have gotten a cold reception or lost of interest.

 

As far as friends are concerned, i find that it is important to have friends but they are not substitutes for a romantic relationship.besides, as i get older the only friends i have are either younger people that are going through things i do not wish to go through again, even vicariously. or older people or my age who are single who seemed to have an even more disfunctional view of relationships then i do. these older people act much like a mirror to me and reflect much of what i see in myself to an extreme, which scares the living daylights out of me. for example, i know a 72 year old woman who called me from the hospital to ask if i can pick her up because they would not release her without somebody picking her up. she's never been married and hasn't had a relationship in over 30 years and hasn't anybody to call. it's frightening, considering i'm not even so close to her that i even knew she was in the hospital.

 

as far as loneliness, it's a state of mind. sometimes i feel entirely disconnected with the world (and that's mostly when i'm without a relationship) and sometimes i feel completely connected with the world (mostly when i'm in a relationship). i suppose a mix of the 2 would be best.

 

i believe it is absolutely natural that we have lasting "romantic" relationship. it's part of the foundation of what makes us. without it, we begin to disintergrate. it's the building blocks of community. without these different types of connection, we no longer can sustain ourselves in true biological terms and in mental and emotional terms. that being said, i don't have a clue in my own predicament. but it's seems to me that this thread is an age old problem. if we seemingly want the same things, why can't we get it together?

[OmegaMan]

but here is my current outlook going forward. I'm not in a hurry to have sex with a woman. I have found that it promotes a false intimacy that creates a artificial sense of closeness that emotionally and mentally isn't there yet.

 

This really made me think. I don't think you get any closer to the truth than this.

 

Etienne

[Foz]

hi there,

this thread got my attention. My boyfriend recently broke up with me and moved out of our apartment after 3.5 years together and the loneliness i feel is terrible. He worked abroad alot so i was in the apartment on my own alot but it never bothered me because i always knew he was coming home to me. Now i dont have that reassurance and it is very lonely.

I also find all my friends are settled in Relationships and to be honest they cant make the time for me..this was a problem for me ever before my boyfriend broke up with me..

I find myself in a very bleak place right now, because one of the bits of advice you get when you break up with someone is to go out there and socialise and i cant get anyone to meet me in the evenings because they are all too busy..

So i guess my relationship masked for me how self obsessed/unreliable all my friends had become and now that i am completely on my own, im not sure i can cope with this loneliness...

[wonder01]

If you want someone to talk or write to, you are welcome to write me at email removed. I could use the company as well. If you write, write with CAPS in the message line so I know to look for ya. And... so that you feel comfortable writing to me, please don't include any personal info other than an email address I may write back to.

 

Take care,

 

Steve

[SkyFire]

Yes. We ARE all alone in the world. Every single person.

 

I agree.

 

You have to learn to be happy being alone. Sure, company is always good, but to be truly happy you have to be happy by yourself.

 

If you choose to live a live worth living, a meaningful life, it means you will always be alone. You may have friends and family, but in the end you are alone.

[Foz]

If you choose to live a live worth living, a meaningful life, it means you will always be alone. You may have friends and family, but in the end you are alone.

 

What are you talking about??

Have you never heard the saying "No man is an Island"

[OmegaMan]

What are you talking about??

Have you never heard the saying "No man is an Island"

 

I think what Skyfire is trying to say is that one must learn not be dependent to others, that we all have to learn to live alone because not relationship is ever guaranteed to last forever.

 

(Also, not all sayings are true, in fact a lot of sayings are contradictory)

 

Omega

[Softmoonlight]

you're attracting the wrong men darling. how was your family life?

have you considered counseling? it sounds like you have some personal issues that need to be resolved before you can start looking for someone else to care for. you need to love yourself first!

 

i know what you mean about being lonely. i am constantly feeling lonely, even though many people surround me in my life. look within yourself, be your own best friend, and turn to God = )

 

Softmoonlight

[SkyFire]

 

What are you talking about??

Have you never heard the saying "No man is an Island"

 

I am talking about not depending on people for anything.

 

YOU Are responsible for your own life.

[ShySoul]

In the end you are responsible for your life and the choices you make. But that doesn't mean you are alone. Your actions affect other people's choices and feelings, just as their actions have an affect on how you think and feel. No one is truly alone. That's the amazing thing about life, even the smallest of actions by one person can have a profound affect upon someone else.

[Rainz]

I've just finished reading this post, so I'm late with it, but it really struck a chord with me.

 

I've been dealing with loneliness for years now. I've had relationships that definitely "blanketed" my loneliness but once they were over, I realised how alone I am. I have family and friends, and I've dated and met countless guys but I'm still alone. I'd love to be settled down with a husband and children and have that family life. However, my relationship experiences haven't amounted to that as yet. I'm getting older, I'm becoming increasingly jaded and disillusioned with the whole dating and relationships scene.

I identify with many responses on here that people have already posted. Especially with the 30 something dating scene. Oh and I'm here in London, England, it ain't no different from Denver!

 

When I was in my 20's I preferred men that were older than me, always believed if he was older he'd be more mature and together. Now that I am in my 30's and continue to date men that are older than me, I find that they're not so mature as what I thought back in my 20's. I guess that's where I've grown and expanded as a woman as the years have gone by.

I've had the conversations where people tell you that it's who you pick to date, maybe it's who you choose. I feel that I've chosen different kinds of guys with different backgrounds, who are at different places in their lives, Many make out that they want that one special woman, they're so wanting to settle down and have a family, really want to get to know you, make this time "different", do things with you they've not done in the past or for a long time yada yada, without you putting the pressure on them either, say they're not into the playing games etc....and still turn around and game you about.

One post said that how others treat you is what you put out there or something to that effect, and that look at a guys action...if he calls in 3 days or aomething and then makes plans to go out he's more genuine..... but I've experienced guys who call consistently, arrange proper dates etc, go to all kinds of lengths to show their interest, really pulling out the stops and they still turn around and behave like jerks the same way I have found. So in my experience I'd knock that idea on the head.

 

I consider myself to be a "good catch" and have a lot to offer and I'm often complemented and considered attractive etc by people, often complemented on how I carry myself etc. So why I'm going through life fightint loneliness is beyond me.

I try to remian upbeat when i can, I allow myself to feel how i feel, but at the same time I know I have to keep putting 1 foot in front of the other. Having faith/spirituality helps me.

 

Who should approach who? Mmmm....I don't approach guys, that's because I'm quite traditional at heart when it comes to dating and relationships and as previous posts have said I feel that if the guy approaches me at least HE wanted to come talk to me himself. However, I have friends who do the pursuing, one fo them has had expericnes just like mine e.g. let down, disappointed, heartbreak...another one in the space of year has gone from being single to settling down with her partner in their first home together with a 1 year old baby and are happy.

[marolua]

I know it has been a long time since this post has been posted. But I read it today, and it is soo impressive!!

First of all, thank you all, all enot alone users, posting and reading but being there you made me realize that, I am a normal person, feeling lonely after a break-up and fearing that I might end up alone.

I think WE are a different type of people, and the WORLD is changing with us.

I LOVE all of YOU!!!

[Missing In Action]

Most people THINK they know what loneliness is. As stated above, a young girl lost her b/f and began to realize that there was more to loneliness than just losing a b/f.

 

Try more than 60 years of being rejected in virtually every aspect of your life. As a child remembering that when 5 or so children were gathered in a room with parents and grandparents, the children (as is normal) getting a bit noisy and you being singled out, not once or twice but virtually every time and told to be quiet. Learning over the years that the only way to put and end to this was to change the manner in which one speaks into a soft tone. For a male, this is extremely difficult. Watch as older and younger siblings are encouraged and assisted in efforts to get involved while any efforts on the part of this child are met with no time, conflicts with ___, etc. This child can remember parents going to numerous events for the two siblings, but not one for himself.

 

Try going to school and being ridiculed almost from day one. This child was not ugly, but had been selected several times as the best looking male in the class. Having never attended kindergarten, as did the majority of other children in the class, knowing how to interact was a slow process. Seeing the other children gather to play after school and this child standing alone, waiting for the bus. During classes, hearing snickers and other taunting comments (none knew this child had acute hearing). As the years passed by, the taunting did not abate, but increased substantially. Female members of the class made it well known that this child's presense was worse than not wanted, it would not be tolerated. The best description was a child who was not wanted, not liked' hell, this chid was DESPISED. Being academically strong, almost never opening a book to study, This child remained in the top few of his class. As the class was sitting down and preparing for year end exams, on female member of the class decided to add fuel to the fire when she informed the teacher and the class that this child had not studied the night before, but had been seen entering the movie theater (TRUE). The teacher, with a smirk on her face, remarked that this exam had to be passed to move on to the next grade. The teacher decided to play mind games and held this child's exam for the last to be handed back. Normally, papers were returned in the order of grades, top to bottom. This child normally received his paper in the top 1 to 3. As the teacher handed the last paper to this child, the entire class was watching, many with gleems of anticpated failure upon their faces. The resulting grade, 98. One could easily hear the disappointment falling to the floor.

 

In college, this student was always sitting alone. As most students formed groups from which they worked and gained additional knowledge and ideas, this individual sat alone and gathering information in bits and pieces as others spoke. As in early life, this individual never spoke with a loud voice, but one that required the listener to pay close attention. In one class, a similar circumstance to the one above occurred. In this one, it was obvious the student was disheveled and looked unkempt, an elderly woman chose to ridicule the student for not studing but having been out most of the night. It made no difference that the student had taken a sister to the hospital and stayed with her all that previous night. As was custom in this class, the student was the first to hand in the exam and depart. With a snide remark, the woman stated that the student either knew it all or knew little or nothing. When exams were returned, the elderly lady who had remaind the entire exam period received a grade in the mid 70s. The individual's grade was in the mid 90s. Rather than accept the fact the student knew the material and thus did well on the exam, the elderly lady implied the individual had cheated when she asked the professor if he was still using old exams as he had done during the first portion of the year. To her shigrin, the professor replied, NO. The other students who normally left quickly during the early portion of the year failed the exam.

 

Groups at college this individual attempted to join, basically shunned his initiative. One did allow him to "pledge". During this "pledge" period. one member of the organization fractured this indivuals back. Unable to finish the "pledge" period and requirements, no consideration for the "accident" was given and thus, the individual did not join.

 

After college, the military awaited. As the draft board played games with the names of individuals who could be called for the draft (prior to the lottery), this individuals name had already appeared twice, but the draft was thwarted by college attendance. This individual had hoped for a change in this never ending loneliness when he entered the military. NO SUCH LUCK. As the individual was a non-drinker, constant referrences to his lack of "man-hood" were made and his softer voice added to these lies. A few even attempted to insinuate that he was a * * * * *. Asignments around the country and around the world made no difference as the same group of people seemed to rotate assigned locations.

 

Employement after the years in the military continued to destroy the individuals hope for a decent and happy life devoid of this never ending loneliness. Several companies, several states, it made no difference. Rumors and Lies flourished. Often being created by people who had never spoken to this individual. Unable to find someone with whom he could become friends and definitely shut out of the life of dating, this individual turned his efforts into his on the job performance. In one position, in a new ventrue for a multinational organization, this individual worked 10 to 12 hrs a day 7 days a week as the organization attempted to get this venture up, running and profitable. At the end of the first year, the individual received a performance evaluation. Considering the hours of work, no weekends, no holidays and NO vacation, the individual had assumed that as his efforts were to be the benchmark upon which other units would be compared, a high rating was due. Was he ever in for a surprise. As he toiled into the nights and weekends to develop procedures, policies, guidelines, and budgets, others were out at the local beer halls whooping it up. These "party animals" of the organization had all received superior performace rating. The lonely individual, less than average. When asked why, "lack of involvement", The lack of involvement was unrelated to work, but was the only benchmark the Sr.VP chose.

 

Similar situations followed the individual throughout his working career. As in the time this individual had again worked countless hours to develop a new procedure with a new contractor. After prsenting the new program to the Executive Committee and departed the room, the Sr. VP over his area informed the Executive Committee that someone else was responsible for the entire process and that this individual had just presented it. One of the members of the Executive Committee was talking about this, unaware that this individual was standing just around the corner. The LIES and character smears had now become to this individual, routine.

 

Such events as these, along with a lifetime of rejection work to not only add to the feeling of loneliness, but work to reinforce rejection. Attempts to "join" social groups were met with an air of "who do you think you are?" The look on the faces, the air of "something smells" when the individual approaches are there to ensure the individual will not only give up on the attempts to join here, but at any other group.

 

The one thing this individaul did learn from all of this, that his loneliness would end one day, on the day he dies and not one day before.

[NYAmicas]

Wonderfully written and I really can identify with what the individual has been through. I wonder how the individual gathered the stregnth and courage to even try these socal groups and over perform at work despite feeling so alone? I think the fact that the individual was able to do well academically and at work speaks loads though I do sympatize greatly for how they have been shunned.