Missing In Action

Most people THINK they know what loneliness is. As stated above, a young girl lost her b/f and began to realize that there was more to loneliness than just losing a b/f. Try more than 60 years of being rejected in virtually every aspect of your life. As a child remembering that when 5 or so children were gathered in a room with parents and grandparents, the children (as is normal) getting a bit noisy and you being singled out, not once or twice but virtually every time and told to be quiet. Learning over the years that the only way to put and end to this was to change the manner in which one speaks into a soft tone. For a male, this is extremely difficult. Watch as older and younger siblings are encouraged and assisted in efforts to get involved while any efforts on the part of this child are met with no time, conflicts with ___, etc. This child can remember parents going to numerous events for the two siblings, but not one for himself. Try going to school and being ridiculed almost from day one. This child was not ugly, but had been selected several times as the best looking male in the class. Having never attended kindergarten, as did the majority of other children in the class, knowing how to interact was a slow process. Seeing the other children gather to play after school and this child standing alone, waiting for the bus. During classes, hearing snickers and other taunting comments (none knew this child had acute hearing). As the years passed by, the taunting did not abate, but increased substantially. Female members of the class made it well known that this child's presense was worse than not wanted, it would not be tolerated. The best description was a child who was not wanted, not liked' hell, this chid was DESPISED. Being academically strong, almost never opening a book to study, This child remained in the top few of his class. As the class was sitting down and preparing for year end exams, on female member of the class decided to add fuel to the fire when she informed the teacher and the class that this child had not studied the night before, but had been seen entering the movie theater (TRUE). The teacher, with a smirk on her face, remarked that this exam had to be passed to move on to the next grade. The teacher decided to play mind games and held this child's exam for the last to be handed back. Normally, papers were returned in the order of grades, top to bottom. This child normally received his paper in the top 1 to 3. As the teacher handed the last paper to this child, the entire class was watching, many with gleems of anticpated failure upon their faces. The resulting grade, 98. One could easily hear the disappointment falling to the floor. In college, this student was always sitting alone. As most students formed groups from which they worked and gained additional knowledge and ideas, this individual sat alone and gathering information in bits and pieces as others spoke. As in early life, this individual never spoke with a loud voice, but one that required the listener to pay close attention. In one class, a similar circumstance to the one above occurred. In this one, it was obvious the student was disheveled and looked unkempt, an elderly woman chose to ridicule the student for not studing but having been out most of the night. It made no difference that the student had taken a sister to the hospital and stayed with her all that previous night. As was custom in this class, the student was the first to hand in the exam and depart. With a snide remark, the woman stated that the student either knew it all or knew little or nothing. When exams were returned, the elderly lady who had remaind the entire exam period received a grade in the mid 70s. The individual's grade was in the mid 90s. Rather than accept the fact the student knew the material and thus did well on the exam, the elderly lady implied the individual had cheated when she asked the professor if he was still using old exams as he had done during the first portion of the year. To her shigrin, the professor replied, NO. The other students who normally left quickly during the early portion of the year failed the exam. Groups at college this individual attempted to join, basically shunned his initiative. One did allow him to "pledge". During this "pledge" period. one member of the organization fractured this indivuals back. Unable to finish the "pledge" period and requirements, no consideration for the "accident" was given and thus, the individual did not join. After college, the military awaited. As the draft board played games with the names of individuals who could be called for the draft (prior to the lottery), this individuals name had already appeared twice, but the draft was thwarted by college attendance. This individual had hoped for a change in this never ending loneliness when he entered the military. NO SUCH LUCK. As the individual was a non-drinker, constant referrences to his lack of "man-hood" were made and his softer voice added to these lies. A few even attempted to insinuate that he was a * * * * *. Asignments around the country and around the world made no difference as the same group of people seemed to rotate assigned locations. Employement after the years in the military continued to destroy the individuals hope for a decent and happy life devoid of this never ending loneliness. Several companies, several states, it made no difference. Rumors and Lies flourished. Often being created by people who had never spoken to this individual. Unable to find someone with whom he could become friends and definitely shut out of the life of dating, this individual turned his efforts into his on the job performance. In one position, in a new ventrue for a multinational organization, this individual worked 10 to 12 hrs a day 7 days a week as the organization attempted to get this venture up, running and profitable. At the end of the first year, the individual received a performance evaluation. Considering the hours of work, no weekends, no holidays and NO vacation, the individual had assumed that as his efforts were to be the benchmark upon which other units would be compared, a high rating was due. Was he ever in for a surprise. As he toiled into the nights and weekends to develop procedures, policies, guidelines, and budgets, others were out at the local beer halls whooping it up. These "party animals" of the organization had all received superior performace rating. The lonely individual, less than average. When asked why, "lack of involvement", The lack of involvement was unrelated to work, but was the only benchmark the Sr.VP chose. Similar situations followed the individual throughout his working career. As in the time this individual had again worked countless hours to develop a new procedure with a new contractor. After prsenting the new program to the Executive Committee and departed the room, the Sr. VP over his area informed the Executive Committee that someone else was responsible for the entire process and that this individual had just presented it. One of the members of the Executive Committee was talking about this, unaware that this individual was standing just around the corner. The LIES and character smears had now become to this individual, routine. Such events as these, along with a lifetime of rejection work to not only add to the feeling of loneliness, but work to reinforce rejection. Attempts to "join" social groups were met with an air of "who do you think you are?" The look on the faces, the air of "something smells" when the individual approaches are there to ensure the individual will not only give up on the attempts to join here, but at any other group. The one thing this individaul did learn from all of this, that his loneliness would end one day, on the day he dies and not one day before.