digger81

I have the opposite to a lot of people I am 23 and never had a girlfriend(I possibly have one now but I have no idea and am stuffing it up), so I only know what its like to be lonely. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have someone love you and then leave you alone. This in itself worries me because I feel I have wasted 23 years of my life.

I am sending you this one from Jakharta airport. I agree with you all. And I have never doubted its my own insecurities. And DBL, arrogant male pride, that was one of my opening statements and I agree and I have told her this. I told her I have to grow up. You people haven't been wrong for a second, well maybe that I should date other people, thats wrong, I will definitely lose her because to her, and me that would be a betrayl. One of the main reason she hasn't kicked me out is because she knows I am insecure and she has told me this. Thats how amazing she is. I have had some very sobering comments like 'Soon you wont have to worry about your relationship. Just have some respect' and 'I would have kicked your but to the curb'. These have actually helped a lot. The fact you people, people have there head screwed on think this it just shows how amazing my girl really is, and how stupid I have been. I guess when push comes to shove she does deserve better but for some reason she wants me. Maybe thats what I am really having trouble accepting. And maybe I shouldn't, if I think about how amazing she is and how lucky I am I seem to stop thinking about the past. You people have given some great advice(maybe not the dating other people or the bloke who suggested a casual fling, but the ideas were all there), and this really has helped. I have been an idiot, so now I have the hard task of making amends when I am 1000s of km away. Just one question, where are you people amongst my friends, if one of them had of pointed out what you people did this would have been easier. And who says the interent is just about swapping porn. Any advice on how to patch thing up in a long distance relationship is now welcome. And I can't thank you people enough

in reply to the 3 guys she did want them as well. One she slept with 2 weeks after finding her dad decomposiong on the sofa. She said she wanted to feel something, and that is where she ended up. Another guy said she loved her, gave her a neklace and everything and after a month she slept with him. Once done he said he never loved her. THe last of those scumbags said he loved her, once again after a month they did the deed, they continued going out and he cheated on her. But he told her straight away so she thought he was sorry and took him back, but like a lot of those sleezes he did it again. She is not innocent but she was used. But she was 16-17 when this all happened and was just a kid, she is now in her mid 20's which is why I find the whole fact that it bothers me stupid. She is a completely different person now. Her last relationship showed her the way things should be, and she said she has even more feelings for me then she ever has had for her ex(and she really did love her ex, it just didn't work out and the love dissappeared). I just don't want to be the bloke that hurts her again. But this all has helped.

Well no I have never had a casual fling. I really can't bring myself to do it. But it is true I shouldn't judge her and her past or try and push my belief system onto her

No I don't feel like I am being ganged up on. Infact I can take a hell of a lot more if it will beat some sense into me. At the end of the day I want her to be happy. If I don't get over this she will never be really happy with me. She did say she is more then happy to put up with me asking her about her past because she has never been so happy and that makes it worth some of the pain I put her through. To me that just makes me a guy that beats a woman emotionally and then gives her a moment of happiness, and I don't want to be that man. I just don't want to waste 8 months of her life while I am gone. I think she can do better then me, a lot better and I want her to have a guy that has no issues with the past but still treats her like a princess. When I tell her this she says its her choice and she wants me. I just don't want to be another guy that hurts her, because I think the hurt would be even deeper then when those guys said they loved her and then left her. Things would be a lot easier if I wasn't going for so long

Hey DBL I agree with exactly what you say. I have told myself and her that this is my problem and I am a bad person for bringing her into it. She can't turn back time and while I have never been with other people I am sure there is things in my past that she doesn't like. I guess the issue is how do I get that into my thick skull. I once told her that I have always had a hole in my heart and that when she came along she filled it, but then I go and dig another one because of her past. I treat her with respect and most of the time I do bottle up some of these feelings so she doesn't have to know, why should she, she has done nothing wrong. This is my problem and that I recognise. The issue is not her its me. Maybe I'm so used to being alone I'm looking for another excuse to be alone

In her defence she did get the tattoo before she new me, and she got really nevous when it was time to tell me, but she did, knowing it could make me back off, which made me love her even more for being so honest. As for saying the last is most important. That is exactly what she said to me, infact she said I never want you to be the first, only the last. More and more I know it is my stupid male pride getting in the way. I think things are made harder because I will not be able to see her for 8 months(I am emailing from an airport right now, hense the quick and many replys on the board) and I will be stuck in the middle of the Near Eastern Deserts so contact will be sparse and then in Africa, so not as bad but still hard. But I am glad you mentioned the last. It does give me comfort, at first I just thought is she trying to twist it so I feel better. I think at the end of the day I might just be a loser when it comes to these things, my own conservative views chocking me to death.

There is no ifs or buts, I have told her in that respect of her life I don't feel special, that I will never be in top five(about 3 minutes after saying this I went to the bathroom and threw up, I felt so low because I had cheapend her and more then anything I knew this was hurting her as much as me)

as for the relationship with the other guy. I can see that they are mates and the love is gone, but they are close mates. She said they only slept together for one week after they broke up and then ended it and got the tattoo. I know there is no infedelity happening, but it is always like having one of my issues pushed in my face. He is actually a good bloke. She really is into me, that I know, and with honesty that brutal she does want this to work and have no secrets. I have talked about these issues so many times with her and each time she is patient and honest, but it goes around in circle in my head. One of my mates suggested I should even the score, but I can't do that, that cheapens what I believe in. Though the fella that thinks if a girl has had 11 guys its hot, you are one of the people who don't understand this situation. WHat you think isn't wrong, heck I wish I could think that way, but I can't. I'm too old fashioned.

Thats the stupid thing. I know the way I am thinking isn't logical, and for 3 of them she was used by some scumbags who saw an oportunity when she was suffering(a death in the family where she found the body 3 days later). And I can't understand why I feel like this. Its so stupid, I know I am the bad person in this not her. And not a day goes by where I don't curse the fact I chose to wait, which is the cause of me reacting like this. I think in the end I hate the fact she was used. But also as stupid as this sounds I don't think it would be as hard if I was number 5 and not 6, which once again is stupid. I am in my mid 20's and have been single for most of my life. I hate the fact that men who don't care about the women they sleep with can do this, it would never enter my head nto do something like that and yet at the end of the day those guys win, while blokes like me are left out in the cold, and at such a late age it really hurts. I am doing everything I can to deal with her past, but I have so little expierience in relationships that its hard. But she has been understanding, which helps and makes it worse because I think I shouldn't be like this, there is no ifs or buts she cares about me. I don't want to leave her but more and more I know she deserves someone that can deal with this issue better and not drag her through all this crap I have. I just want her to be happy.

I have fallen in love with a girl who is so perfect for me. I have never met anyone who shares such similar tastes etc. But I am having trouble dealing with her past I have been saving myself for the right women, which I believe I have found. But she has had another 5 partners. When I think of this I think I'll just be number 6, nothing special to her. WHile I know she loves me I find it hard to accept I will never be that special or a first in any aspect of her life. I am fine with the two guys she had a long term relationship with(one for 4 years). But the other 3 used her in a moment of need when she was 16-17. She has been brutally honest about it all since day one, and I thought I could cope but its getting harder and harder the more I think about it. I know she was a different person then, then she is now, but why does it bother me so much. TO make things worse, while I said I have no problems with the ex's that loved her., the one of 4 years is still around and they are close friends. Due to my work I have to travel a lot and sometimes he sees her more then me. to make it worse a week after they broke up, not only did they continue sleeping together, they then went and got matching tattoos to remember the relationship. I would be fine if they got it during the relationship but after.... I see it and I feel like I'm worth nothing. I asked her once how her ex coped with the other guys she had been with and she said he never did, he would grunt and change the topic, but sometimes he would bring it up when they argued. To make things worse two weeks after they broke up she found another guy and was going to move in with him but decided not to. THis ended about a month before she met me. She told me she never slept with him and that she didn't do it in the end because she never loved him. WHile I believe her I am still worried about how she even got in that situation. I have talked to her about this many times, every time she is honest, and it makes me feel worse, and when I told her sometimes I just feel like number 6(I don't dare ask how many other boyfriends she's had and not slept with), she gets upset and says it makes her feel cheap. WHich is true, it does make her feel cheap and I am a bad person for doing it. I shouldn't be thinking about those guys, I know she loves me and is loyal to me, but sometimes her past is there in my face. To make it worse I realise that her past is going to affect all her relationships,as it did with her ex, for me etc. I realised that any guy who really loves her will have problems with her past, the ones that don't are like the guys that created the past. People say 'get over it you love her', but you can tell they don't understand. This is a bad situation for both of us. It is ruin our relationship and her past could be ruining her future relationships if we don't work out. She shouldn't be judged for her past, I didn't even know her. I do love her but why can't I let it go? Please help me