Fighting Loneliness..Does it ever end???

[Scout]

CK, the whole point is that many women are starting to feel that some of the basic dynamics of the men/women relationship are really changing. In particular, who pursues who in the beginning. And to tie that in with the original topic of the thread - loneliness - is many women feel that without a relationship in our lives, we feel an emptiness. We also feel there is a growing gap between the genders, especially the different expectations each gender has for a relationship.

 

I guess we all sort of veered off the original topic. Which is: despite many of our best efforts (both men and women), we still feel lonely when we're not involved with someone romantically. Even if we have a rewarding career, good friends, family, and companion animals.

 

I had mentioned in an earlier post that one other thing that was missing in my life is spirituality. I do wonder if that would make a real difference.

[ck]

CK, the whole point is that many women are starting to feel that some of the basic dynamics of the men/women relationship are really changing. In particular, who pursues who in the beginning. And to tie that in with the original topic of the thread - loneliness - is many women feel that without a relationship in our lives, we feel an emptiness. We also feel there is a growing gap between the genders, especially the different expectations each gender has for a relationship.

 

I guess we all sort of veered off the original topic. Which is: despite many of our best efforts (both men and women), we still feel lonely when we're not involved with someone romantically. Even if we have a rewarding career, good friends, family, and companion animals.

 

They are changing should that be a bad thing? It depends on who you ask and in certain situations. However you women aren't the only ones who feel lonely you can look around this site and see that.

 

What's worse is how society dictates what you should do based on your gender, and how if you don't have anybody your forced to feel like crap. I understand where your coming from but I just want to go on the record saying from reading your stories there are people who have it far worse.

[mahlina]

I think that having some sort of faith or spiritual guidance does help. As Tiger_Lilies pointed out earlier, even if we find serenity in our lives, we'll still feel that loneliness sometimes. I have a friend who's really religious, but she'll periodically call me up crying sometimes, because she lives on her own, has God in her life, but still feels alone. Ultimately, what it most likely boils down to, is how we each individually cope with our saddness.

 

What I find that's helpful is: Laughter. I can't help it. Sometimes, when I have my days of saddness, I'll watch a show of Jay Leno or SNL, and all of a sudden, I'm cracking up and am happy all over again! I think that if you can laugh at the little things in life, it also helps to alleviate the feelings of loneliness. Being able to laugh or smile helps you to stay optimistic.

 

Also, I think that reminiscing on the 'good times' from the past, helps out a lot too. It also helps us to feel enthusiastic, and adds pizzazz to our lives. It's good to remember things from back in the days. You sorta stay in touch with your youth. That's why, every time my friends and I have a get-together, it's fun to reminisce on how silly we were back then. I will always remember how fun it was to grow up in the 90s, like back in the days when people were all ghettofied with their attire! It's fun to look back and laugh at the little things. The memories are worth savoring. Although we matured in different ways, at least we're still the same person. The bond and the memories that we share, helps to reinforce who we truly are deep down inside. We're not that sad, lonely, aging-people. We're still that young, hip, vivacious & happy people that we were even once before our of heartaches ever began! As long as we don't lose focus of who we are, and stay true to ourselves, then I think that it helps us to feel less alone.

 

About feeling alone, because we're not in a relationship, I like to tell myself: "If it's meant to happen, then it will happen." When a relationship is meant to happen, then it will happen. Whenever I was happy and enjoyed being single, that's when I stumbled accross one of my greatest romances! I guess we will all have our good days and our bad days. Key thing here is to remember: Don't give up hope! And, when we do start feeling a little sad, do things to keep ourselves busy. That's what helps me a lot too. Hope this helps. Nice topic Tiger_Lilies!

[Scout]

However you women aren't the only ones who feel lonely you can look around this site and see that.

 

What's worse is how society dictates what you should do based on your gender, and how if you don't have anybody your forced to feel like crap. I understand where your coming from but I just want to go on the record saying from reading your stories there are people who have it far worse.

 

Definitely both men and women experience loneliness. I apologize if I implied only women do. And yeah, when I get depressed because I feel all alone, I do tell myself, hey...it's a scary world out there. You have a roof over your head, are safe, and have many blessings. That usually puts things back in perspective for me - for a while, anyway!

[Mun]

It's very important to stay optimistic. Just because things look bleak you should not lock yourself up at home and give up.

 

I say " al mal tiempo, buena cara" which means : in bad times put on a good ( happy) face.

 

When I'm feeling lonely or sad, I think to myself " I have a great life " that always cheers me up. Keep a positive attitude and other people will be drawn to you.

 

All the things that have been said about 30 something guys on here are things my girlfriends and I have discussed in the past. That came as no surprise to me...but I still have to think that somewhere out there is that great guy who is looking for exactly what I'm looking for--call it wishful thinking..

[Scout]

I'm pretty amazed that none of the older guys have given their two cents on this post. If it's because none of them are lonely, now I'm really going to be irked!

[Mun]

Ha ! Scout, I was thinking the same thing. Wondering if they have even read this thread... the title might not be of interest to them .

 

I wondered a few posts back if the 30 something guys had been in bad/painful relationships in their 20's ( much like what you read on here) and now in their 30's they were carrying a mentality of " I don't want to get hurt again, so I'm not going to try for something serious and just have fun." or "I'm going for the trophy girlfriend and just enjoy myself because most 20 something girls aren't looking for something serious anyway so I'm off the hook" I've heard this last one before . It's not necessarily true though.

 

Oh... veering off topic again...or am I?

[Scout]

I don't think you veered off topic. We're discussing loneliness, and the question has now come up...don't thirtysomething guys feel loneliness?

[kungfumaster]

So, being almost thirty, but really (actually, since I've moved out to my new place for over a year now for a job, losing my long term relationship over it, and having a hectic work schedule with little and almost no play because the city is so isolated and desolate), I feel like I'm 35.

 

I'd have to say, reading through all these post, I really don't have any answers. Some people gave ausome responses. All I can say is that, I feel the same way you ladies and gents do. For myself, I say to myself I have to learn how to be happy by myself before I am ready for any type of serious relationship. With my first serious relationship, this wasn't the case. With the second serious relationship, I was almost happy to be single and by myself. Now, I hope a third time is a charm. I want to be happy being lonely and by myself. This way, it always works out: meaning, if I don't find anyone, I'll be happy by myself; and if I find someone, I'll be happy with her.

 

So now, I guess we're back to the original question: how to be happy by yourself? Lots of reading? Travelling? Spirituality? All of these have eleviated some of my loneliness. But really, not all of it.

 

Take care everyone. Hope you're feelin' better tiger_lillies.

Kung fu

Kung fu

[Soleil swallows the MOon]

Hello Tiger Lilies,

 

I think everyone has a little empty hole inside. Some people try to fill the void with drugs, alcohol, sex, boyfriends, art. Some people can use this feeling of emptyness in a self destructive way and others use it to do wonderful things. It all depends on the type of person you are. IF you tend to be co-dependent then you'll have a tendency to feel lonely very often. When we are in a serious relationship, we are temporarily distracted from the feeling of lonelyness, but it never goes away. If you become too dependent on the person you are dating, when he leaves you the hole feels 100 times bigger. If thats the case it means you werent taking care of yourself in the relationship in the first place. Filling the hole is like a full time job. You gotta nurture it everyday until your old and stop producing sex hormones. My theory is that this feeling of lonelyness is caused by our hormones: its purely biological. So we have to channel this sex drive into something productive. You have to find ways to make the void as small as possible. You have to learn how to embrace those times in your life when you'll have many friends and then times when you will be alone. Try to have a balance of both. To fill the void, I like to keep myself really busy. Ive been reading this really cool book called: The Art of Living Single and Loving It. ANd it has given me some really good ideas. YOu should try to find books that will give you ideas on how to spice your life up. I hope this helps. Let me know.

Daniella

[Soleil swallows the MOon]

I just wanted to say: What you are feeling is something so common ! You are definitely not alone in that sense !

[confusedgirl123]

My theory? I truly think lonliness has some to do with personality type and some to do with not knowing yourself well enough. If you like yourself, not just love yourself.... time spent alone will be amazing. You will learn new things, pursue hobbies, write, delve into who you are and what you are here for. Yes, you are here to love and to be connected, but if you cannot start with yourself, it will be difficult for you to truly give yourself to someone else.

 

I have noticed that what you put out there is what comes back. If you expect that men are after sex and only sex, that is the type of men that you will attract. My friends have this problem all the time. Rarely do I go out with or have a man approach me that treats me in such a way that you describe. I am not blaming you or saying that you are doing anything wrong, but it is definitely good to check your intentions and be aware of the how they are affecting the outcome of who you let into your life. I suppose part of it is people reading. A man that has interest in you will call within 3 days, will set a date up for a weekend evening, and will plan it. He will pick you up, open doors, and ask questions about you. If he does not do these things, he may not have learned proper etiqette toward women or he might just want to casually date.

 

Let me reiterate my point above. You will find someone when you are least expecting, when you stop looking, and we you are alone, but not lonely because you have yourself... what an amazing person to have... I know being with people is important, but being with yourself and being content with just that - I believe, is a part of what our purpose is - to find purpose within yourself and your place on the planet. If you stop focusing on what you don't have and start looking at what you do, the results are miraculous. Thought patterns create spirals that do not end until your thoughts align with your intention.

 

Best wishes to everyone who seeks that love, that light another human beign can and likely will bring into their life.

[Soulfully]

I would probably say that its our egos that feel lonely. On a "soulful" or spiritual level we are probably part of everything...we are everything and everything is us. Its hard to feel such level of connectedness with everything else out there, yet on a spiritual level, I believe this is so.

 

Anyways, truth is, our partners are here to complement us, not complete us. So those out there still looking for their other half...careful. thereforeeee, that entails that we should all be as complete as humanly possible in order to engage in a potentially healthy relationship. Hard to understand, and I suppose Im still trying to come to terms with it. Even though I thought I was pretty much complete and not really seeking another person to make me happy, when my ex came into my life everything seemed to change. And after leaving, well...typical deep hole that is gradually filling up, by myself and not with anybody else to cover up.

 

About the gender gaps?... Well, what I have experienced and seen a lot of is that of guys in their early-mid twenties that genuinely want to start pursuing committed relationships. Truly gentlemans who treat women very well, with lots of care, love etc... Men who are both strong and emotional, with sensitivity, which is what we thought that woman wanted. However, too many of us seem to end up burnt with so many women out there dumping us. And the general reasons coming from the women's mouth is that they are truly sorry since we treated them very well, loved them, cared for them, yet they arent in love with us anymore, so...bye bye. We look around the corner days, weeks later and we see them with what looks like that guy who they said they would never date because they are overly arrogant, celebrity womaniser type hehe. So we ask ourselves...mmmmm....whats going on? We werent too clingy, we were just genuinely caring and trusting, yet we dont seem to have that extra edge in us. So what do we do? We start trying to play the players game, cos that is what women seem to like, or at least when they're young.

 

So we turn to many of them sites, magazines, books...with nicely illustrated strategies that in general convey that we should not really listen to what women say about what they actually want, since they themselves dont even know that. They not only lie to us, but they lie to themselves. So we here the stereotypical speech of a lady that says they want a man that is nice, caring, loving, funny, attractive to them, for a serious committed relationship. So they find such man, and feel very lucky. However, time after time, they will end up leaving. Why? because we treat them too well! hehe

 

So what do we men have to practice? We have to learn womanese, play games etc... Not be an all out jerk, yet many women stay with them jerks despite them hurting them time after time! So we think to ourselves, man.... perhaps we are being too nice and caring, we should adopt these strategies, since it seems that that is how we attract women subconsciously and make them stay with us. Just look at all those men who are very successful with woman. Those that have never been dumped, can get any woman they want, and have successful relationships yet never get hurt. What do they have in common? They display the alpha-male qualities ... strength, confidence, arrogance, and most importantly, dont let woman step over them. They are not very emotional or sensitive, and dont tend to put a woman's needs over theirs. Now do women really want men to be like this? Not a balanced man who has exhibits alpha male qualities yet is also sensitive and in touch with their emotions, but the extreme alpha males. So many women complain about your typical extreme alpha male, yet he would be able to play you women easily. Its like some sort of inbuilt animal attraction hehe.

 

Anyways, all this that im saying is just ideas that come from many men-based magazines, internet sites etc... Men have to learn how to play and become alpha males to attract woman and actually keep them. Attract them, and then keep them with strategies cos women love drama haha! They wont get bored!

 

Do I really believe in all this? Maybe there are some truths... Yet i believe that many men 20-30s probably believe this. And probably many will start believing this even more as they continue to get burnt after getting dumped x number of times, despite having treated and loved their exes so much. So by the time we're 30, we will have probably left the idea of a committed relationship behind for the moment, cos we dont know whether its worth the effort, and the pain. So lets go out and play.

 

People dont really know what they want during their 20s, both men and women. My experience is that more and more women are dumping good men around, so im not surprised that so many men out there dont really want serious relationships. So many friends out there saying why bother with committment when all we end up is with pain, hurt, loss etc... when we can be out there enjoying sex with no ties. True... yet I know that doing that so feels lonely as well. So what are we men to do?

 

Lets just all play games cos that seems to be what we all want to do...and if you dont really believe that, they´ll tell you that you dont because its a subconscious thing! hahaaaaaaaaa!

[crushed soul]

Scout and others:

 

I am 32...so to answer your question; yes, thirty something guys do feel lonely

[Scout]

Geez, about time one of you guys said so!

[janeke1]

I don't know if the men get better, but I know for sure that the women do.

 

I've noticed that since I hit forty, I feel a lot better about myself and I care a lot less about what other people think. I would laugh in the face of the 30-something man who said that 30-something women are frustrated and reply, "No, only the women you meet are frustrated - because they have to deal with YOU!"

 

I have had many relationships - some have been good, some bad. I have learned that many people do in fact, cheat. In fact, I read a survey recently that 80% of people in long term relationships stray. Maybe monogamy is something we are really not designed to do. The interesting thing about being in the 40's is that I am finding it is my female friends who are cheating on their spouses - or they are moving to other cities to start new lives. After 10 to 20 years of marriage, they are finding that their husbands cannot give them what they need.

 

I find this sad, but at the same time, I understand now that human beings have infinite sides to their natures and I have found that no one can totally give you everything you need. I think that a person needs to become as completely self-reliant as possible (I mean spiritually and emotionally) to have a good relationship with another person.

 

At the moment, I am single. About a year and a half ago, I met a man who really seemed interested in being long-term and wow, all of a sudden the possibility of marriage came up. You know, I felt very girlish and I will tell you honestly that a deep part of me was flowing with happiness. In spite of being a super-independent woman, I know that inside, I'd love the opportunity to share life with someone forever in eternal bliss. Well, the man very suddenly freaked out and I ended up breaking it off because he became abusive. It was a very very hard time. I really started to think, "Maybe I am just not meant to have a mate." You know, years and years of men in and out and you still have hope. Since then, however, I have begun to feel different. I contemplate the possibility that I will be alone the rest of my life and I ask myself, "Well, how can I make the most of it?"

 

Sometimes, I do feel down about it, but in many ways, this has been a really positive thing. I am now going back to graduate school and I revamped my career (finally making the money I deserve - or almost.) I started thinking about what I truly want and started going after it. I am no longer stuck, waiting for the right guy, which I think, for many years, I was. (You would never know this from my exterior, but it was an unconscious thing that kept me blocked and from fully pursuing my goals.)

 

I will tell you also, that I haven't lost any of my femininity in this process and I am still meeting men all the time. I just feel very differently about things now, knowing that I am growing more comfortable with the possibility of being on my own for many years to come.

 

Many people will tell you that life is better after 40 - and they are right.

 

Jan

[Scout]

Jan, thanks for such a provocative and powerful response. I too would like to get out of that unconscious state where I'm always waiting for "Mr. Right".

 

I had a great experience last night...I was talking with a good girl friend of mine, and told her how I wanted to buy a little vacation house in the mountains in the next few years. I was about to say "it would be great if I had a husband/boyfriend to do this with" when she said "Great! I'll go in on it with you!"

 

I thought, hey...that would be a terrific idea! It also made me feel good to realize that I'm not alone...I have great friends that share many of my goals.

 

Again, I keep coming back to the importance of developing a strong network of friends. It's something I wasn't always digilent about doing, but that's changed.

 

And you know what? You folks on eNotalone are an important part of my life too, even if we don't "know each other in real life". Some of the feedback I've seen on this site has taught me an incredible amount of knowledge. So thanks to all of you!

 

love, Scout

[hurthurthurt]

Hello,

I have been so relieved to read this thread, the timing was fate. I have been dealing with a terrible bout of loneliness, worse than ever. I was especially interested in the post that discussed sensitivity and unique personality. My "tragic flaw" is that I am "too sensitive and emotional"--everyone tells me that. Somehow I ended up a lawyer. I recently left the private sector and moved to a non-profit where I can help people who really need it, hoping to find fulfillment-- and am shocked and disappointed by the awful office politics. And frustrated b/c I cannot do my job due to the office politics. I feel so lonely and alone. Not only have I lost my 20's to grad school and career development, but now the one thing I focused on--my career--does not offer any happiness or satisfaction. For years I have been fully aware of how empty my life is, how lacking in love and true friendship. But I worked hard to fill that void, assuming it would get me somewhere later. Also, I believed in all the magazines and advice columns where women told women that if we work hard and focus on ourselves, we'll become more complete and great men will come our way. Ha! Instead, I missed out on dating, failing, dating, and failing again-- a necessary process, I believe, to learn who you like or with whom you may not be compatible. I didn't socialize or have fun. I didn't expand my social circles. Now I am one of the last single people I know, and have not even dated for so long. And my friends are involved in serious relationships or marriages-- they do not think to check in on their single pal to see how she is. And I can't seem to meet other single pals to pass the time with. It is so tough out there!

To the point-- it is not even a romance or dating issue. It is simply being lonely and alone. I used to enjoy having time to myself, but now I am afraid that I am not getting out there to meet people enough, and limiting myelf to this "alone" existence, which results in feelings of loneliness. Or, the people who are in my life, for whatever reason, no longer satisfy my needs. They are too busy to be there, or our values have changed and it is difficult to relate, or we work so much we don't have time to relax and catch up.

It isn't just Denver, Scout. It is also New York City. It could be a mountaintop in Nepal. Maybe loneliness is the result of a lack of satisfaction in life. A need to fill a niche. I am waiting for that magical moment when I suddenly understand the purpose for why I was meant to be here. Then I can use my life to pursue that purpose. You can never be lonely when you are filled with passion and have a purpose or outlet for it, right? you are too busy to notice loneliness. And, when you enjoy what you are doing and are happy, maybe things really fall into place-- you meet similar people with similar likes and needs, and fall into a community, a great family that can cross the globe. Then, how can you be lonely?

[talo]

Talo, even the Dalai Lama speaks with more clarity. Are you trying to give advice, or impress us with the amount of Buddhist quotes you know?

 

Why not give a few explanatory details along with them...if one re-reads them enough times, some of them make pretty good sense, but not everyone here has the time to try and decipher what you're saying.

 

Your advice is appreciated Scout. I am trying to express myself clearly, and there is plenty of room for improvement .

 

Noone is giving/receiving advice here. All this is changing perspective. No time is required for this. Nothing is required for this. This happens of its own accord.

 

This does not mean that anything has to change, nor that any judgement is being made about giving/recieving advice.

 

If one sees oneself as giving/receiving advice, one may wish to lighten up. This does not mean taking things less seriously or more humorously; it rather means not taking oneself as anything at all.

 

Is this clear?

 

This does not mean "Is this post clear?"; it rather means is one clear; clear of any notion of oneself.

 

And this does not mean I am clear .

[Scout]

[All this is changing perspective. No time is required for this.

 

This part is definitely clear! And it says something I was thinking when I read hurthurthurt's post...that it doesn't matter what you haven't done yet...because you have an opportunity to make those changes you want now. And your twenties were not wasted. You have invested in yourself professionally with a lot of hard work and dedication. Even if you don't remain a lawyer, everything you learned will be tools for you no matter what you pursue.

 

It just takes focus to get on a new track. Think about how you succeeded educating yourself - by having a strong focus on a goal you wanted. Pick some new goals now...and apply that same purpose. You could say, over the next year I'm really going to develop a good network of friends. That could be a real goal.

 

And I am confident you can do it.

[johnagent1911]

I'm sorry but to who ever said Talo wasn't making sense didn't really read in to what he's saying... Talo I think your posts are really awesome. They truly make a good point. ( Or do they? ) I hope to see you more active on the forum.

 

 

"When one is not defined, one is not split: one is simple; not identified with/as anything. One is only lonely when one defines/splits."

[doorik]

In fact, my friends and I were saying it feels like females have become the pursuers.

 

I don't buy this for a second. Having to ask out a guy once in a blue moon does not make you the pursuers.

[doorik]

 

When a man has to persue a woman then he has taken a special interest in her and he is not after her for just sex. He genuinely likes her and is more likely to behave himself with her. He won't see her as just a sex toy.

 

Get it now?quote]

 

These men become those Jaded thirty-somethings becaues the end up as the good guy friend the ladies can depend (meaning shoulder as tissue) on

[talo]

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement John.

 

Talo I think your posts are really awesome. They truly make a good point. ( Or do they? )

 

You ask a good question. Making points is making meaning. Meaning has no meaning unless it relates.

 

This does not necessarily mean that a point that does not relate, has no meaning, is nonsense. It may mean that such a point 'goes beyond' or subsumes the difference/definition/distinction of relating/not-relating, meaning/no-meaning, sense/non-sense.

 

And the "truly", the "really awesome", you write of, is clarity.

 

And this is not my or your clarity.

[ck]

In fact, my friends and I were saying it feels like females have become the pursuers.

 

I don't buy this for a second. Having to ask out a guy once in a blue moon does not make you the pursuers.

 

Damn straight.

 

Try years.